so upset trying to explain that unforgiveness isn't the issue with me but PTSD

[notalone32]

Hi I believe I have forgiven my dad because I have chosen to forgive and I now love him.

But I still struggle with feelings of fear anger and hate direcyted towards God myself and others. I have been told I have Borderline PD which is a form of Complex PTSD similar to MPD\DID. This means I have a lot of feelings including extreme fear.

In my case religion and hearing the name of Jesus causes me these emotions. Again and again I am told I am demonised because of the anger and self pity. But I know this is fear based trauma. And people telling me my anger is because God let the abuse happen! But its not
My hate of God comes towards the picture my abusers painted of Him. As a demanding legalist who will throw me into Hell if I make a mistake or don't overcome all my sins (and there are many) in this life

I'm crying as I write this because it seems I won't ever be free. I want to go to Heaven when I die and to do this I need to please Jesus. But I can't let go of these sins. They are coping mechanisms for me. I don't know how long I've got to live due to physical disorder I have and I am so scared

 

[parsley]

It helps me to think of how my brain processes thoughts.
We let information come in, and the brain finds places to put it. Some info goes deeper into storage, where some is near the surface or can drift away.

Each time we surround a thought with more information or feeling, or just repeating it-- the thought's storage gets reinforced, and additional neural connections are made to other things.

For example, you visit a park that reminds you of where your dad yelled at you for talking to questionable teens. Each time you bring up the memory, you reinforce it. But you also create new memories, sometimes positive.

You might smell violets, and now violets and the park are associated. But violets could also remind you of the past memories, if you spend too much time thinking about injustices and hurts. You have some control over what gets stored in your brain, and how it is retrieved.

If you shut out thoughts or forget something for years, it might still be there but you may not have built up enough connectors to retrieve it. Then ten years later, you're eating ice blueberry cream and it makes the connection.

So... my point (ha ha). Don't go to the same church, and avoid the places where you lived out those painful times. Find ways to prevent reinforcing the cyclical thoughts, by distraction, by addition of good things.

Call Jesus by a different name. In His local language on earth, His name was Yehoshua/Yeshua ("Yahweh-is-Salvation" or Joshua). Greek Ἰησοῦς (Iēsous).

People around the world call Him Isha, Eesa, Iesus, Jesu... Find something that is just between you and Him.

Use a different Bible version, different music... change other visuals and sounds that would trigger the old memories.

God knows your heart. Try to create a fresh new way to relate to Him. And ask Him to help you come up with ideas!

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Hi notalone,

I had that same picture painted for me the whole time I was growing up. I believed for the longest time that I was going to hell because I wasn't good enough and because I couldn't be perfect enough. I so hear you.

Over time, I've found this other side of things. A love for a God who is compassionate and loving. Actually, there is much evidence of Him through scripture, but no one ever showed me that side of him.

For example, when Jesus met the woman at the well and forgave her. When David committed murder and adultery, God forgave him and still called him "a friend of God." Before Paul became Paul, he was very hateful to Christians, and was literally a different man with a different name. He was forgiven for murder and mockery and turning Christians against God or killing them.

So many more scriptures show the love of God for those of us who were so full of bad choices. Then, I think of those of us who were broken due to trauma. He tells us, "He heals the brokenhearted and Binds up their Wounds." in Psalm 147:3. He says in Psalm 55:22, "Cast all your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Another scripture, can't remember where says something to the effect that we've sinned, and grace through Jesus justifies us.

All of us have made mistakes and have sins. He forgives us, all we have to do is ask. Then when it pops up it's ugly head again, try to remind it that you've been forgiven. I know I've struggled with this lots in the past. I was so sure that God couldn't forgive me for certain things because I was too bad. But God is a good God... if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us (1 John 1:9).

I think sometimes with abuse, we blame ourselves and take things on ourselves as our mistakes and sins, that really belong to the abuser. So sometimes we plead over and over and feel guilty over and over for something we have no blame or guilt for. So I'd encourage you to do an honest assessment of what you see as mistakes and sins, that you aren't taking some on that don't belong to you from the abuse you suffered.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I sure can relate to what you've shared.

Oh, as far as what others believe, they don't know what's in your heart, and they can't know your journey or relationship with God. It's easy to be on the outside and make assumptions - doesn't always make the outsiders correct in their assessments.

 

[notalone32]

Thanks. Honestly when talking to God I feel like a block of ice. Paralysed with fear. I know God is merciful but I don't feel He sees me in a way that is compassionate. I feel He thinks I am exaggerating and that I'm not really suffering. My dad was a christian minister for the abused and he told me I was just feeling sorry for myself. So I struggle with God.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I can understand why you would feel that way in those circumstances. The good news though, is those are feelings, and He accepts you right now where you are because He knows you are struggling with this. Feelings do come and go.

Sometimes I'd had to deal with feelings because they had somehow been doing well, but then at one point it was like they reared their ugly head and I doubted God's love. I know he hadn't changed.. I just had a glitch in my own internal processing for a bit. And He understood that when it happened. He doesn't expect perfection.

Have you ever considered writing to God in prayer instead of trying to pray aloud or in your head? It really helped me to write out my prayers. I was able to share more and it was and still is, so much easier for me to pray in written form.

 

[notalone32]

I can understand why you would feel that way in those circumstances. The good news though, is those are feelings, and He accepts you right now where you are because He knows you are struggling with this. Feelings do come and go.

Sometimes I'd had to deal with feelings because they had somehow been doing well, but then at one point it was like they reared their ugly head and I doubted God's love. I know he hadn't changed.. I just had a glitch in my own internal processing for a bit. And He understood that when it happened. He doesn't expect perfection.

Have you ever considered writing to God in prayer instead of trying to pray aloud or in your head? It really helped me to write out my prayers. I was able to share more and it was and still is, so much easier for me to pray in written form.

Perhaps I should try that?