So Sad

[tyield1102]

Hey ya'll,

Well all my hopes have been completely shattered. I think that I'm spiritually blind. No matter how hard I try to understand the Bible and believe it doesn't work. I can't will myself into believing only God can do that. I was reading that He hardends people's hearts and blinds them so they can't find Him and His Son and get salvation, I think I am in this category. I'm so saddened by this it breaks my heart and kills me inside to think that God would do that. I now truly understand though when it talks about God's grace because it is truly by His divine grace that someone is saved and some people will never have that chance. If I am one of these people who are like this (which I really believe I am) what hope do I have? What chance is there for me if God won't help me. I have been wondering why God has not been answering my prayers and now I believe I know, because I'm one who is meant to be lost for all time. Lately I have been feeling that something is missing from my life at first I thought it was the Holy Spirit and then I was thinking its God. I'm not happy, not ever! I can fake a smile or laugh but inside I'm dying everyday. My thoughts consume me and I have no where left to turn not even to God it seems. Sorry for being so depressing but my hope has just run out. I'm so happy for all of you who have been called by Him and have received Him and struggle and know He is there for you, because He truly does love you.

 

[HopingForJesus]

I said a prayer for you. It may or may not be of much comfort but the verse you speak of specifically was speaking about the Jewish people and their unbelief in Jesus and the messianic prophecy spoken in Isaiah...and even then, after Jesus died upon the cross those who were blinded (The Jewish people), and whose hearts were hardened, had the opportunity to change and many hearts were softened and many of their eyes were opened when the resurrection occurred and the apostles went about their ministry. I am so sorry you are so sad. Seek whatever help you need to, and still do your best to put your faith in Him despite these troubling feelings. I am sure more experienced people can offer comfort and advice, but either way...you have not been abandoned and God loves you. Perhaps read the link Kay Kay inserted in response to my first post, and there are several really helpful pages. I don't know if it will help you, but it certainly was helpful for me.
Peace

 

[tyield1102]

Thank you HopingforJesus your post has given me a bit of hope but I'm still so worried. I cried the most honest tears I have cried in a long time today when I read that. Sorry if that made no sense. I went and read your post and I have been in your shoes with those thoughts. I thought I was going to go crazy. I am happy to say that my blasemphous (sp) thoughts against God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit have gone away. I'm sure yours will too, just stick close to God and lean on Him. It's so hard to be human, which is why it's great to have a God who isn't and can make up for our imperfections, emotions and thoughts. I prayed for you Hoping and thank you again for your post.

God be with you

 

[HopingForJesus]

Tyield,
Big Hugs...and thank you. This may be another hurdle in your relationship with the Lord and this too may take some time to go through. You are absolutely right about leaning on God. I am starting out with the basic acceptance that the Lord still loves me and that I am forgiveable. The one thing I do know is that sometimes Jesus works in ways that we cannot understand. Sometimes in our weakness bigger things happen all for God's glory. For example bringing believers closer together, or demonstrating his love, and even to strengthen one's resolve to follow him despite all odds. It is so hard. May He keep you in his ever loving arms and deliver you from all. Peace

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Tyield...I'm so sorry you're in the grip of such fear at the moment...I can honestly say I can relate...I have read verses and become so afraid of God and what He thinks of me and it's so hard to trust in His grace when you read about His anger. I find it very hard to get much comfort from Him because of my fear and turning to the bible and praying often just make it worse. All I can say is I really don't think that if your heart was hardened it would also be hurting so much. When someone becomes hard they don't feel things so keenly. I don't know why there are those verses and how they allways relate to us but all I can say is that it would seem to me that you have more passion about God and wanting a relationship with Him than a lot of people who would hardly ever doubt their salvation. I'm presuming you have OCD though I don't think you said but if you have please try and hold on to the fact that it distorts and creates anxiety out of the most innoccuous things. I even managed to take "Be still and know that I am God" as a rebuke once! I hope God brings you some peace and hope and that you can get help with what you're struggling with...this is a good place to be for that and there are a lot of people with very wise advice regarding OCD and it's treatment. Maybe you could have a look at a previous thread by Seajoy on ERP? It might help. Take care, Rachel

 

[tyield1102]

Rachelz thank you for your post it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who is going through this or has. Yes I do have OCD I just recently got diagonsed with it a little over a month ago and really don't know all the much about it. My therapist I'm seeing doesn't talk much about it but just says my obessions are causing all this. Right now I'm struggling with that God won't choose me to be called or won't give me ears to hear and eyes to see. I'm also struggling with a lot of doubt and my mind is making everything seem fake even myself sometimes. I'm also worrying that when I ask for forgiveness and asked Jesus into my life if it was just an emotional thing or if I really meant it. At times I think I can't feel any emotion when I ask God for forgiveness because then its wrong and not really coming from my heart. I have always been a very emotional person and now that my emotions are so distorted I have been a mess. I hardly read my Bible because all I see are the bad things in it, do you know a good Bible study website by any chance? Sorry for rambling I just have a lot on my mind. Thank you all for your advice and support in my tough time.

 

[HopingForJesus]

I believe the personal emotional rollercoaster we go through with this illness causes our minds and bodies to shut down sort of sometimes as a protective mechanism making it hard for us to sort out our feelings and almost sometimes feeling like a shock to our system. God sees everything so he knows we are in turmoil. I am struggling so much too, that where you have described your emotions and concerns and even about how you feel at certain times and not at others it really hit home.
OCD is messed up that is all I can say. So it must mess with our emotions too. I am forcing myself to face things I am so so afraid of, and I tell you it is so hard for me.
I may divulge more what is on my mind later, but I believe that you are in much need of a break. Hopefully, God will find a way to provide the rest and comfort you need so you will be able to feel and sort things out eventually. I will keep praying for you and others. Peace and blessings

 

[kaykay9.0]

I would just add that if your heart were "hardened" as you seem to fear, I don't think you would be a bit concerned about it. The very fact that you are concerned shows, in my opinion, that your heart is certainly not hardened to God and things of God. I think this is just OCD talking.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Ty,

I can relate so well to what you are saying. For years, everything I read in the Bible seemed to condemn me. I've prayed about myself having eyes to see and ears to hear, for me not to be spiritually blind, that I would genuinely repent and not just emotionally pray for salvation, etc., just as you are describing. It has taken me many years to even get to the point to think that I may actually be a true child of God. I still struggle, but not to the depth I used to did. Your story sounds like mine. My pastor friend who counsels me has been a God-send. This site as well. I've said that to so many, but it really has. I felt so isolated before, like I was the only one on the face of the earth that couldn't really be saved. I even feared that I was playing a game with me and God and that maybe I wasn't even letting Him save me. I felt my will was so powerful that it wouldn't let Him, and just so much went on in my head that seemed to confirm my deepest fears that I was not, and could not, be a genuine Christian.

I battled, and honestly still do to an extent, with it being a pure spiritual problem. I feared allowing myself to even believe that it was a chemical imbalance because I thought that might just be an excuse I was giving myself for not having the faith to believe. I felt so rejected and far from God. I remember telling my former pastor one time that I felt like someone who was standing on the outside of a building, looking in through the windows. I could see others inside, laughing and at ease. Others could open the door and go in as well. Yet, when I tried to open the door, the knob just turned and would not open for me. This is how I felt about the "real Christians". I felt as if they could so easily be in God's grace and others could just ask Him into their hearts, going on it to fellowhip with the other Christians. Yet, the door was locked for me when I tried to open it. That imagery describes how I felt for most of my life.

I have absolutely had to learn that I cannot live by how I feel. I can't have any kind of life like that. I don't think God desires anyone to live like that either.The Bible clearly says in 2 Peter 3:9 that "He is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." His Word also says in Romans 10:13 that "anyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." I know that there are ways to dispute that and the argument that there are people who verbally say things but don't mean them or live by them. I'm not talking about those people though. I know the struggle in your mind and heart, and I understand that it is a form of hell on earth. There have been many times, in looking back, that God was there for me. Actually, He always was and always will be. I was just so lost in the fear and the feelings of condemnation that I couldn't see it. God has not abandoned you either. Feeling alone and actually being alone are two different things. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Rebecca

 

[kicker]

Hey tyield, I too know how you feel and it was just a few weeks ago that I was there. Please listen to what rebecca said and memorize those verses she gave you. Romans 10:13 is my life verse and I cling to it. The best way I can explain what is happening to you is that your thermostat is broken and you can't regulate what your heart and mind are feeling. Imagine what happens to your air conditioning unit when your thermostat goes bad, it can't tell if your house is warm or cold so it will sometimes run and freeze you out and other times you'll be sweating to death because your unit thinks its cool inside. Ocd breaks your emotional and spiritual thermostat and makes you feel so cold towards God when you really aren't and it plays with emotions because your mind can't regulate how you should feel so it has a tendency to make you incredibly fearful when you really have no need to be. If you have called on Christ to save you then why would you not be saved. If you called on him just because you were hoping he would bail you out of some bad thing you got yourself into and that it would make all your problems go away then maybe there would be reason for concern but if you called on him because you realized you were a sinner and you couldn't save yourself then He is obligated to answer your request. You see a lot of people think they are going to heaven because they think they are a good person and that God will accept them on their own credentials but they will be sadly mistaken. If you understand that you cannot do anything to earn Gods favor and that salvation is 100% by Him then no amount of christian raising or going to church made you realize that. Only the H.S. can reveal that to your heart and the Bible says that the natural man cannot understand spiritual truth. The enemys greatest weapon is fear and doubt and confusion. The fact that you are seeking Him shows that your heart has not been hardened toward God because the Bible says that no one seeketh after God unless God has given them that desire. .Well I gotta go for now but I hope this has helped and remember your not alone in this. Take care and if you need to ask questions or talk just pm me anytime. Hang in there.

James

 

[Yuyuchan]

I agree. Do not give up. Your heart is just being perfected. I have been going through a lot recently, and at times it seemed to me that God was against me. However, job came to my mind even though he went through all of that pain and grief he did not curse God. He humbled himself. Life is challenging. Sometimes life is so challenging we feel forsaken. But then Jesus says here I am. We just have to be patient and listen for Him. Trust me He is their with you even now. Jesus knows your heart and all of you pain. He is there comforting you. Always He is there. It is not about what we feel and see, but it is about what we know. We have to keep that is our hearts. When we are weak carries us. He is the good Shepherd, and you are His dear sheep. He will not leave you or forsake. He loves you. He loves you more than my words can begin to express. I am praying for you. Do not give up. You will overcome this. I know it. You can do all things through Jesus Christ.

 

[tyield1102]

Thank you all so much for your posts. I'm just so scared. I feel like I'm God's enemy and that when I pray to Him he hates my prayers. When I think of reading my Bible I remember that you need the guidance of the Holy Spirit so the truth can be revealed to you and I fear that I have sinned against him so it's pointless to try. I just need to know what God wants from me, what does He expect of me? What kind of faith do I need for Him? What am I supposed to be doing? How does He want me to seek Him? Just what is my part in all of this? I just feel so evil, nothing I can say or do is right. I question my motives for everything. I'm just so torn up inside right now. My family doesn't understand what I'm going through so I can't talk to them. Im sorry to keep going on like this, but I just need someone who has been there and knows.

 

[HopingForJesus]

Hey There Tyield,
I am having many of the same fears as you are. Even though I am pushing forward and trying to stay rational about this. I have made many posts in other areas to help me find my way too. I have so many questions on my mind and in my heart. For starters, when we are torn and hurting that is when we need to rely on him the most. As far as for the Holy Spirit and how He works, I am still learning all this right now. I have much fear. Others in their journey may be more apt to help. I try to talk to my family sometimes, but they do not understand completely and know that I have the OCD and stuff but they have different beliefs to some degree. Why would God hate your prayers? You are seeking him, and his comfort, and want to do better. He can see that. He can see your heart through all the turmoil. Don't give up. That is all I can say for now, and hopefully others will chime in. Peace and May He Comfort you...

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Tyield, really sorry I haven't responded sooner...I don't know of any bible study notes that I can reccomend...I think in the past I've thought it would be good is someone could write some notes for people with anxiety problems...someone who's aware of how scary the notes and bible can be. I think JayAngel posted a thread recently about an on-line homegroup which you might be interested in looking at...it wasn't that long ago so if you go back over the last few pages you should come accross it. I know I struggle very much with feeling like things I read or hear are condemning me...like God is just waiting to whap me round the back of the head. It's a tough one to deal with and I wish I had a good solution for you but all I can say is that God chose to be known as Love...ie "God is love"...he has lots of other emotions or characteristics but He didn't say "I am anger" or "I am jealousy" it was I am love". It's so hard to remember that when we feel full of fear but maybe when you approach your bible if you could remember that He is love and also a verse that came up today at the church we were at was John 3:17 where it says the Jesus didn't come into the world to condemn it but to save it through Himself. (That's not a word for word quote.) Maybe those truths might help buffer a bit of the fear response for you. Hope you're doing at least a bit better...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

In addition to the good things some others have shared, I just wanted to add my pastor was talking this morning about having "eyes to see" and "ears to hear." To make a long story short, he observed at the end that the people Jesus was somewhat harsh with were only the people who thought they already knew everything and didn't need his help. To the ones who were sinners but came to him for help and were "teachable" He was consistently compassionate. It is the ones who are "teachable," the ones who know they need help who have "eyes to see" and "ears to hear." Hope I'm communicating this well enough. If someone sincerely comes to Jesus for help, I don't believe He will ever turn that person away. Jesus himself says in the book of John that He will never cast away him that comes to Him.

 

[tyield1102]

ok i have another question...is it possible to push God so far away that when you finally do want to come to Him and have Christ in your life God won't let you? If possible could you quote or write the scriputre to back up your answers? Thank you

 

[kicker]

Hey tyield, I know exactly what you are going thru. I have been where you are and have seen good times and times I didn't know if I could survive another minute. I think we are all guilty of pushing God away at times but the fact that you said you wanted to come to Him is proof you have not pushed Him too far away. Romans 3:11 says that no one seeketh after God, so if you are seeking Him then He was seeking you first. He gave you the desire to want Him because no one comes to God without being drawn of Him. Romans 10:13 says that whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord SHALL be saved, no ifs and or buts about it. Do you realize you are a sinner and can't save yourself and that Jesus is the only way to eternal life? A natural man does not believe or comprehend that. Most people think they are going to heaven because they are good people but they haven't seen the truth as I believe you have. Another verse says that whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God. I can't sit here and say that you are a believer because I don't know you but if you can remember a time in your life where you came to Christ for forgiveness then why would God not have received you? Ocd really plays with your emotions. And can twist you in knots. Hooe this helps

James