So our daughter is 10

[FatherHaveMercy]

This might be long and I'm sorry, our daughter is ten with the worst attitude I've seen in a child I don't spank much but I'm frustrated with her being sassy. Her dad my husband was in prison for.7 years and 9 months so a good part of her childhood he was locked up she acts very hateful towards him and very disrespectful. like I said I usually don't spank unless she's just being out of control with her mouth. I've tried grounding, taking things away from her and it doesn't bother her. My question is does anyone know of any discipline tips, and how old is to old for spanking, thanks

 

[CelticRose]

Spanking is not working because her attitude is not the problem. You need to address the core issue ~ whatever it is. My guess would be anger at her father for abandoning her. If she is mature enough discuss how she makes mistakes but they are not held against her by you. Discuss sin & repentance in the light of Christ & how unforgiveness hurts her.

Then her father needs to work on rebuilding a relationship of trust & reliability.

Even though she may understand with her head she may still find it difficult emotionally. Do you have someone who is not emotionally involved in the issue that could help you work through the process? All the best with it but I am guessing there is no quick fix to this one & you will need to be very patient.

 

[FatherHaveMercy]

Spanking is not working because her attitude is not the problem. You need to address the core issue ~ whatever it is. My guess would be anger at her father for abandoning her. If she is mature enough discuss how she makes mistakes but they are not held against her by you. Discuss sin & repentance in the light of Christ & how unforgiveness hurts her.

Then her father needs to work on rebuilding a relationship of trust & reliability.

Even though she may understand with her head she may still find it difficult emotionally. Do you have someone who is not emotionally involved in the issue that could help you work through the process? All the best with it but I am guessing there is no quick fix to this one & you will need to be very patient.

I've tried therapy but all they want to do is give her medicine. She won't open up. She has days when she's so sweet to her dad then others where she's mean to him and very sassy

 

[CelticRose]

Um, I didn't say therapy. Children do not have the verbal maturity to express what's going on inside them so they act out. She may not be able to articulate what she feels so she is telling you through her actions. I don't know your daughter but she sounds like a young 10 so her emotional language may be that of a younger child.

Children only really have one question & they will ask it over & over in a variety of different ways: Do you love me? Even when I'm bad? When I'm sassy? When I fail? Don't misunderstand what I am saying. You need to have clear guidelines for just what you will accept & the consequences for breaking those rules but you also need to answer her question: Do you love me?

You may know you do. You may show it in a variety of ways but until your child *feels* loved her question remains unanswered because she is a child. Abandonment, for whatever reason, is devastating to a child. So even if she can't talk about it or name it you can express yourself, your hurt, your fear, loneliness, whatever & how that made you feel, how you coped & that gives her a way in to cope. It will be slow & if you let your own emotions get in the way it will be slower. Reward her with the gift of time when she is being nice. Try & stay focused on her good points. I'm sure she has plenty! Remember how you felt when she was born, a complete & utter miracle, the 8th wonder of the world! Tell her that!

 

[ProudMomxmany]

You might want to say something like "I see you're angry at daddy today. Is there a particular reason why? Are you afraid that he's going to leave you again? Do you think that if you get angry with him it won't hurt as much if he does leave?

We were Navy with a daddy who went out to sea and came home. He's be gone for a few months then come back. Some of the children (the ones who were younger) would be absolutely beastly at times when he got home. We finally figured out that it was because of the leaving and coming home. We would explain that it was daddy's job to do that and he would be home. We would make paper chains and calendars.

Try that...let her know that daddy is NOT leaving again, that he made a mistake and has served his punishment. Tell her that what happened has nothing to do with her and her daddy will never leave her again. Wrap her in love.

 

[FatherHaveMercy]

You might want to say something like "I see you're angry at daddy today. Is there a particular reason why? Are you afraid that he's going to leave you again? Do you think that if you get angry with him it won't hurt as much if he does leave?

We were Navy with a daddy who went out to sea and came home. He's be gone for a few months then come back. Some of the children (the ones who were younger) would be absolutely beastly at times when he got home. We finally figured out that it was because of the leaving and coming home. We would explain that it was daddy's job to do that and he would be home. We would make paper chains and calendars.

Try that...let her know that daddy is NOT leaving again, that he made a mistake and has served his punishment. Tell her that what happened has nothing to do with her and her daddy will never leave her again. Wrap her in love.

We've tried telling her he's not leaving but she says she wants him to her heart is very hard towards him

 

[ProudMomxmany]

We've tried telling her he's not leaving but she says she wants him to her heart is very hard towards him

Then maybe you need to find out why she wants him to leave. If he's been in prison, she may associate that with being very bad and doesn't want him around her.

It could also be that it was just the two of you for a long time and now she resents him coming back and disrupting her life.

Have you thought about seeking professional help for her and for all of you as a family?

 

[FatherHaveMercy]

Then maybe you need to find out why she wants him to leave. If he's been in prison, she may associate that with being very bad and doesn't want him around her.

It could also be that it was just the two of you for a long time and now she resents him coming back and disrupting her life.

Have you thought about seeking professional help for her and for all of you as a family?

She does get angry when we want her to be obedient

 

[ProudMomxmany]

She does get angry when we want her to be obedient

Ok...she gets angry when you want her to obey...I think I understand now. She's thinking "daddy didn't obey and nobody is angry with him for disobeying, so why is everybody insisting I obey? I shouldn't have to obey anybody and STILL be loved and all that stuff".

She's seeing the double standard. Daddy broke the law and its ok and she's supposed to obey you and daddy even though daddy wasn't obedient.

I STRONGLY suggest counseling for all of you.

 

[FatherHaveMercy]

Ok...she gets angry when you want her to obey...I think I understand now. She's thinking "daddy didn't obey and nobody is angry with him for disobeying, so why is everybody insisting I obey? I shouldn't have to obey anybody and STILL be loved and all that stuff".

She's seeing the double standard. Daddy broke the law and its ok and she's supposed to obey you and daddy even though daddy wasn't obedient.

I STRONGLY suggest counseling for all of you.

I've been praying god softens her heart towards him and her father. Praise jesus he has answered, yesterday her, her brother and I all done bible study together

 

[beaverpond]

I have been thinking about this for awhile...I have read it and re-read it and read it again. While going through this and thinking on this something has occurred to me. I am not sure how long this has been going on and I know for some people this may be a sensitive subject, but is it possible for her to be in pre-puberty and her father is the subject of her anger of not being around most of the time while growing up she takes it out on him and she does not know how to deal with these emotions and hormones that she is now dealing with.

The other thought was this, how many people in school are aware of your husbands past and is it possible that your daughter is being harassed over it and is this harassment that is causing this stress in her life and she is not knowing how to deal with it at school or at home because she does not know how to express herself.

When her Dad was in prison, was that what you told her and if not, what did you tell her and at what point did you tell her the truth meaning how old was she. How long has this attitude problem been going on.

I deal with a lot of different personalities in kids from ages 5 to 13 because of the youth program I am in. Some kids are very high thinkers and others have some severe learning disabilities while others are your very athletic types. Then we also have some with ADD and ADHD, we even have a couple with Epilepsy. Some things you just can't see. What I am getting at is we have kids of all kinds of abilities.