so much loss this decade

[staceylee67]

I have been here a lot the last year or so. Looking back at my posts I see a lot of my lack of faith. And it just gets worse. I don't even want to go to church any more. I even question whether I believe in God anymore.
Since 2010:
-I got cancer (early stages and I am OK now- but I also had it in 1984)
-1 week after starting chemo my brother had a cardiac arrest and we thought he was going to die (congenital heart problems-- has had 4 heart surgeries since age 3). He is in fair-poor health and his cardiac arrest just solidified the fact that I fear he won't last as long as I'd wish.
-My grandma died.
-A friend died.
-Another friend died.
-And then Another friend died.
-My great Aunt died.
-My grandpa died.
-My mother died (in January of this year)
-My nephew's significant other died of a rare fat embolism to the brain after breaking both legs in an accident- at only 20 years old- they were madly in love. And this only a few months after losing his grandma (my mom) so he was double wammy'd.
-My dad is 79, and OK but slightly dingy at times so I worry constantly. He lives with us.

I fear that by the end of this decade I will have lost my brother because of his heart, and my dad because of his age. I will be so lost. My brother and I are like best friends. My family means everything to me.
I have a good husband, but he will never take the place of my folks or brother. I have a beautiful son, and he will be the one thing that keeps me going when everything else is gone.

It is a cruel world. I believe this IS hell. The only reason good things happen is to make that bed feel that much worse.

I am angry at God. What kind of father lets there be such horrible suffering-- suffering that goes way beyond my own.

Sometimes I still believe-- but I am losing it for good. Like the Johnny Lang song- "Leaving To Stay". "I've been waiting for the glory of the coming of the lord. I've heard a lot of stories but my prayers have been ignored. I've been waiting in the wings between the ocean and the shore. But this time I'm leaving to stay, I'm falling away..."

I take Paxil, it helps a little. I miss my mom so much. Nobody seems to understand. I am the one who everyone says has such a positive attitude, even when I had cancer. I was an inspiration- so many people told me. But THIS, losing my mom, has sent me over the edge.

 

[jamesup7777]

I am so very sorry for your losses Stacey. I will say up front that I could never understand a moment of the pain you and yours have been through. All I can contribute is that this world that we live in is a fallen world.

Once Adam sinned, we were all born in sin and born into a world of sin. Always remember when you look over your heartbreaking losses and personal problems that this is not heaven that we are living in now. Heaven is on the other side of this place. This is why bad things happen to good people. This is why so much tragedy occurs. It is because of sin that we reap all this. It was never God's intention for Adam and his descendants to be sinners and live in a fallen world. Adam was told that eating of the tree of knowledge meant death for him and humanity. We are all still dying, some faster than others, but still dying every moment.

The Hope that we have is in Jesus. He came to bring life back to us who are dead. He didn't have to, but He loved us so much He did. Look at the pain this world gave our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. They ended up scourging Him beyond recognition and near death and then made Him die in the most cruel way of the ages. Jesus could have said, "No! These people are not worth this kind of death." But, He said, "Yes, I love them." He accomplished life for us by taking our rightful place on the cross and dying for us. We all deserve to be crucified for our terrible sins, but Christ's love was so great that He took our place and those who believe will never die, and live with Him in heaven for eternity. The one thing He gave us was His Son. The second thing He gave us was the Word of God. The Word of God is our guide and compass for navigating our lives in a fallen and hopeless world.

So, in all our strife and sadness, we know He is here with us if we have faith. Everything bad will be explained to us one day. Everything that happened here happened for a reason, because this God of ours is in absolute control of all things whether they make sense to us or not.

Praying some of that made sense to you and that God would shine down long term health to you, your brother and father.

God Bless
Jim