so lost right now

[lmarie23]

I'm so lost right now. I was in a grad program for art therapy and counseling and it seemed so right - like God wanted me there. I was the top student in my class and doing amazing in clinical. But somehow my professors told me to take a year off, and now they want me to take another 2 years off. They say they've noticed mood swings and I've had too many life changes recently and need stability. They said I'm too much of an academic and intellectual to be a counselor. So we want dumb counselors??? I don't want another useless major like a PhD in creative writing like they suggested, I'm a really prolific poet. I already have a useless degree in art and almost finished a degree in Asian studies, also useless.

I'm working as a nurse's aide and changing diapers when I'm a smart, talented girl, and could be doing more. I think my job is important and I love helping people but it's so simple and humbling. I need to do more. I don't know what. I feel so lost.

I thought about a PhD in psychology but could I handle the stress? I can hardly handle living right now. My psychologist keeps telling me things I don't understand. Like how I'm a genius but I'm special because I don't want to prove that I'm smart, I like helping others. And that my intellect is my worst enemy, I get all confused in my head.

Everything is so messed up right now. I fell in love with this guy but we were so different and he broke up with me a month ago and I just have a hard time adjusting to life without him. There's something missing, like a part of me that went away. And I've been doing all these reckless things and thinking too much about sex though I'm a virgin. I met this guy online and I just wanted to be friends but everything got out of control and he sexually assaulted me in my apartment. At least he didn't rape me, but I feel so hurt and dirty. But I suggested it all, it's kind of my fault. But I said no and he didn't listen. I can hardly do my job, I'm so lost in my head. My roommate might kick me out because she says my experiences are giving her flashbacks to things that happened with her abusive husband who she's now divorcing. But I'm already hurting! I can't handle moving right now! I've already lived in 5 places in a year in a half. And my workplace has so much drama last night because we are crashing financially and everyone is getting fired. The nursing home might get shut down. I don't know what to do. I lost my best friend because we dated briefly last year so now it's too awkward, he has a serious girlfriend now and says I can't talk to him much. So I don't have a best friend. I have hardly anyone. Thank you for listening if you've gotten this far.

I'm so lost!!!

Lynne

 

[St. Paul]

I don't think your lost. I just think you're second guessing everything in your life. You've been through some highly emotional events. You already have a job helping people but yo're all stressed out about losing your job. You're not going to enjoy your job if you're worrying about whether you'll have one all day long. Maybe consider getting into something like nursing or physical therapy. I'm just trying to throw some suggestions out there.

Your also going through a grieving stage after losing your boyfriend and best friend, and being attacked which wasn't your fault so stop blaming yourself. You just need to take some deep breaths and wait for things to settle down a little. You have a lot of stress in your life right now. Never make important decisions in a highly emotional state. When things calm down a little later then make a decision on school and work. That's my advice anyways. Not sure it'll help though.

 

[lmarie23]

Thank you St. Paul. That did help.

Lynne

 

[NewCovenant]

I believe it helps to write. I'm a writer just like you are, and I find it therapeutic. Something that I find helpful is to write out all the stuff that's making me crazy, then make a prioritized list of things. In a situation like this, I would start with things that are causing the most anxiety. Then I would look at that situation, pray about it, and see if there is something there that I can change. If there is not, I cross it off my list. Pray, and ask God to remove this burden from you; ask for freedom. Go down you list, and the same way, prayerfully considering whether there is something you can do to change the situation in any way, and if not, ask God to relieve you of that burden. This can turn into a lengthy process, but I have found that the writing and praying really helps. God gives me peace about the stuff I have no control over, and guides me toward solutions for the stuff over which I do have some control.

God bless you.

 

[SinkingShip]

Hi Lynne,
I hope you're doing a little better by the time I'm posting this. I would echo St Paul's thoughts - you have a lot going on and have been through some highly emotional events with more occurring now. It sounds like whole portions of your world are getting turned upside down - I'd feel lost too. Keep an eye on the long-term, but it sounds like most of your focus is in just getting through the day.

Keep in mind, though you may feel lost right now, you're handling a huge amount of change that would leave virtually anyone feeling the same way as you do now. Give yourself a pat-on-the-back for just dealing with all this!

In keeping with what St Paul said above, don't make any life decisions during an emotionally charged time, focus on getting things calmed down and organized then you'll be able to make informed decisions that will have a positive impact (rather than rash decisions you may regret later).

Above all, hang in there - simple survival in this life is tough even under the best circumstances. Its perfectly natural to feel what you're feeling. Are you on any meds currently? You mentioned a psychologist, but do you have a psychiatrist that you see regularly.

I hope this helps some. Take Care!
-SS