So it's over... for now?

[John the Engineer]

Well, I'm not sure if anyone from here remembers me, or if those people are still around, but I had a difficult struggle with my girlfriends family. To give the brief rundown, we started dating two years ago, things started out really nice, they were just fun times that we hung out with eachother and talked about a lot of stuff.

To make a long dramatic story short, her family, having never met me, started disapproving of me. Her family, who everyone has admitted is very VERY un-Godly and very VERY controlling, has not accepted our relationship since the summer of 2003, a few months after we were dating. A couple times she tried to come clean about the fact that she was dating me, since her Mom always asked her to just be honest, and instead of being understanding her Mom would unleash even worse hell on her. She even accepted that I could date her as long as we weren't exclusive, but then blew up the first time we tried to go out.

Now, two years later, we still have never dated in the open since those first few months. I have driven many thousands of miles over the past couple of years to meet her at college where she was away from her family (she is a commuter, living at home still) and could be with me in peace. She came to my house and spent time with my family and things with our relationship on our level have been wonderful.

The problem has always been her family, and the fact that we can't even call eachother when she's around them. I have had to avoid anything that puts me in danger of them seeing me, or ever giving away our relationship. Finally a couple weeks ago I told her that we've grown stagnant, and we haven't moved forward with our relationship for over a year, instead we've just been hiding and running around behind their backs and not moving into more for our relationship. She agreed, and we have had a very painful breakup because neither of us feel it is right. But at the same time she does not feel she has the courage to stand up to her family and tell them that she loves me. She is afraid of being sent away from her family and removed from ever being able to be with them again. She's acknowledged that she can't stand how her Mom treats her and doesn't mind losing her, but her brother and sister, still living at home, mean a lot to her and she doesn't want to lose them.

We had been engaged since late last year, having decided that we were for eachother and that she would tell her family about us (not right then but when things were ready to progress) no matter what the consequences. But when I told her that we needed to stand up, do the right thing, and be honest, she said she just couldn't be what I needed.

Due to some circumstances and her family finding out about us during the breakup, she and I are not to talk, not to see eachother, and she is trying to live up to this. We are only talking by limited e-mails, and that is it. So I'm living in absolute pain over the loss, but still both of us are saying that we're meant to be, and one day there will be a way. There are a lot of things changing in her family, and she has hope that it will give her strength.

But really it comes down to this, how do you know that it's going to happen? I feel like I can't give up, and I know that it's possible that I could wait for years with no chance of us being together again, but at the same time I just have this inability to move on, and the pain of our separation is eating into me. My work has suffered considerably, and my sould just feels drained.

I wish I could say I had been more diligent to pray and be faithful, but it seems like as the time dragged on I lost more and more hope, lost more and more faith. Now I'm not sure where I'm at. I want to believe, but it's difficult under the circumstances, and I feel like maybe I'm almost afraid God will tell me to move on. I don't know.

Please pray for me.

 

[lady_of_god]

All I can say is... I've been there


It's not easy. I struggled for months and I could hardly get things accomplished. I cried and cried, and it seemed like the agony would never go away...

At the same time I called on the Lord. I cried to Him, i talked to Him everynight about this man whom I loved so much. My relationship has gotten stronger with Him because of the time alone I had. The Lord showed me that I needed my own strength, my own knowledge in the Word, my own relationship with Him first, and then once all these things were done, it will be then that I will be with the person who completes me... But God has to be first!

I still have confidence that the Lord will bless me with the desires of my heart (He knows my heart), I believe that he is my soulmate, but i can't make him want to be with me(although i do know he loves me), you know what I have to do? Trust God. I'm still learning that, but i'm stronger now.

I still feel like i can't give up either, and i won't unless the Lord tells me so. So I pray about him and ask the Lord for guidance.

I will keep you in my prayers. If you want to talk privately you can PM me. Its really going to be ok... really it will be, trust me


-Lady.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I remember you... good to see you back on the boards again, though I'm sad for your situation.

Sounds similar to what I went through with my ex-fiance a year and a half ago. Very, very heartbreaking.

I'm praying that God will work your situation out for His very best and nothing less... and I'm praying that He throws some spiritual bricks of rebuking at her family.

 

[John the Engineer]

Thank you. Today is now day two after having not spoken with her. She said we could still talk by e-mail, but she hasn't responded to me. And since she's with her family during the weekends it's doubtful that I'll hear from her until Monday, if she decides to take the time then. I don't know how to feel, and I don't know what I'm feeling. I just wish I had a better idea of what happened to her that took her from the glimmer of hope to become completely in despair and pain. The look in her eyes was more fear than anything.

It's like my face is cracking day by day, and the idea of even looking happy becomes more and more painful. The thought of considering myself single again, or being with someone else, or her being with someone else, made me actually start to gag. I haven't been eating right or sleeping good for a couple weeks now. I just ... I feel like we're getting divorced, except neither of us want to. And just the look of fear she had in her eyes when I saw her made me feel like someone has threatened her so greatly to stay away from me that I felt as though I couldn't protect the one person in the world I needed to.

The one thing that complicates our relationship is the fact that we had a sexual relationship in the middle of our relationship. We had both prayed to be healed of it, and after that there had been a few times that it had happened again. Last time I talked on this forum I had discussed this a lot, and I have read the Bible and what it says about this. I just totally feel the spiritual bond that we have, and that is part of what makes me so sick about feeling like I just won't be able to move on. I am not the person who can do this, and I just can't be with another person. I'm not strong enough to be able to look her in my heart and move on. Maybe I have just commited a sin that I will not be strong enough to overcome. I just feel in my heart that she has been my wife, and now I don't know how to feel, and it makes everything inside of me just hurt even more.

I seriously feel as though I am not strong enough to grow beyond this, and I feel as though every time I have taken this relationship to the Lord I have found nothing. I have prayed over this, and done everything I could to be "right" in the situation, but I just feel like I do not know the Lord well enough, or the situation is so far outside of his covering that I am not going to find him in it ever. I don't know, I just know that each day I wake up nautious feeling as though my body is sick, and I spend all day holding in my tears while I struggle through work only to find myself wanting to cry, wanting to let go of it all, and completely unable to let it out.

 

[lady_of_god]

Awwww... John. I hear you

"Divorce" is the best way to put it. Its tough. And seeing that you have had a sexual relationship, that makes it even tougher because now you have bonded on a deeper level...

Hang in there my friend. Don't think too far ahead of yourself. When breaks up happen, we immediately think about 5 years down, what if she or he finds someone else, what if we completely lose touch, what if she or her never writes back, call, or talk to me again? All those thoughts can easily rip to shreds an already fragile heart. Instead, pray about the situation, and put aside the "what if"s. Ask the Lord on what to do next about her, and ask the Lord to comfort you at this time. (don't jump to conclusions either... she could be busy are stressed right now to write back... just wait and see)


I know it seems like the pain and hurt will never ever go away, and that no one truly understands, but i've been there and back. It was a long process for me and I'm still learning how to deal, but the Lord has given me much comfort and faith to carry on things as I should.

Get refocused! Dedicate yourself to God again, and place Him first (#1) in your life. Once you do this, you'll be able to be more diligent in your work, and have more peace within.

Remember, its going to take a long time... it took me nearly 8 months to learn what it was to have peace again (and not to mention eat a good meal because of being love sick). Don't be hard on yourself, just talk to God like you would talk to a friend....

If you have a close friend to share this with, it would be great if you did... life is hard enough, but your going to need to vent to someone understanding... or you could just come as often CF as you like... we are here Just don't keep the hurt bottled up inside.. ok?

I hope this helped a bit... i'm still praying for you John

-Lady

 

[SirKenin]

I remember you too actually, and I don't remember much. I know it's no consolation, but I have been in close to the same position. I have had the parents of at least three girlfriends hate me with no just cause. They just couldn't stand me. I was as nice as I could possibly be to them and they still couldn't stand me. Even my wife's mother couldn't stand me, and it makes for a living hell. She even tried taking us to Court for access rights to my daughter. When she didn't show up for a settlement conference I pulled a fast one and got the Judge to order a five year restraining order on her (heh, like I always say, it's never a good idea to mess with me). This is something that is pretty much unheard of in Family Court. Even my lawyer was shocked and didn't even want to ask for it, as he said it wouldn't happen. I ordered him to do it.

Your relationship took the right turn. She is not ready. She can't seperate herself from her parents, nor should she be expected to. Believe me from plenty of experience. Even if you do force the issue, life will be nothing but a living hell for the two of you. It will place an incredible amount of duress on the relationship, something a relationship doesn't need. Run, don't walk, in the other direction. It isn't meant to be. You might think it is, but it isn't. Take this from someone who has been there.

This has nothing to do with honoring her parents. At your age you are not expected to. This is a common fallatious interpretation of the text. It is, however, to protect your sanity. Something is telling you that this relationship isn't right for you, and the fact that the communication is sporadic is a further indication. Pay attention to the signs. They are right there in front of your face.

It's time to move on, Mr. Engineer. Bigger and better things await you and in time you will see that.

For example, I have moved on myself. I now have a beautiful young girlfriend who would do anything to please me. She makes me very happy and I am very proud of her. What is most important, though, is that both her parents approve of me and they have never approved of any of the handful of previous men in her life. I go to supper at her parents' place at least once a week. We visit, have a beer, watch some TV, chat about everything from cars to work. It's heaven. Even her friends approve of me. Everything is neatly falling into place. THAT is how you know that there could very well be a chance of a good future together. It can happen to anyone. You just have to be patient. I have been through enough in my life. I think I deserve it. Now to see if she can put up with me and fulfill my stringent expectations.

 

[John the Engineer]

I guess it's just hard, I keep pouring myself out whenever I get the chance. And I feel like I just keep going on to people about it all the time. So much so that I feel like I've expended all my friends. Even during the relationship they were there for me through the pain, until finally many of them told me that they couldn't see me go on like this. Now that we're through I feel like I'm doing too much to lean on them again. And I feel like it's unfair to ask my friends to sit and listen to me when I don't even feel like I want to get better, so really I'm just venting over and over for nothing.

I don't know, my entire mind is a jumble. I pray, but I feel like why in the pain is anything going to happen when even in the good times no resolution would come. It just hurts more and more, and I've sent her too many e-mails already.

 

[JVD]

Stop the emails and the contacts. If it's going to go anywhere she will make contact.

On another note, I have been counseling my 3 teenage daughters about finding a future partner. One thing we always talk about is the man's family. You have to remember that when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. It's not something to overlook. If you have a poor relationship with her family, it will be like an anchor keeping your relationship with her from growing. That's just life, best to face it now than after you marry and have kids who have her parents for grandparents.

 

[John the Engineer]

Stop the emails and the contacts. If it's going to go anywhere she will make contact.

On another note, I have been counseling my 3 teenage daughters about finding a future partner. One thing we always talk about is the man's family. You have to remember that when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family. It's not something to overlook. If you have a poor relationship with her family, it will be like an anchor keeping your relationship with her from growing. That's just life, best to face it now than after you marry and have kids who have her parents for grandparents.

I do understand that you marry the family, if they're going to bring their family into the relationship. I mean, people do leave their families out of the relationship, at least for the most part, and decide that their life is their own.

But that aside, I don't feel strong enough to cut it off. I was at first telling her that I needed that, but I just don't feel like I can. I just don't feel strong enough to do that sort of thing. <sigh> I just feal really weak about all this.

 

[Scottish Joy]

Hang in there John!!

Get refocused! Dedicate yourself to God again, and place Him first (#1) in your life. Once you do this, you'll be able to be more diligent in your work, and have more peace within.

Amen.

 

[InTheFlame]

John, you need a support team. It sounds as though a christian counsellor - someone who'll just sit and listen, and help you sort out your thoughts - is maybe what you need most. Maybe your pastor has some experience in this area. Maybe there's someone else you know... or a professional you don't. Don't be afraid to spend money to sit and talk to someone!

I suspect something else you need is to go out with friends and NOT talk about her. I know that's probably a tall order, and I'm not saying you should repress your feelings and desire to talk it out, but you're going to need time out from the grief. It's OK to be functionally almost normally at times If the counsellor idea doesn't work for you, maybe try journalling... write everything you feel down, either as a diary-type thing or as a letter to God. THEN get out of the house and connect with your mates. Ask how they're doing, get a bit involved in their life and struggles. It'll help you remember that even though she's gone, you've still got other relationships, other people who're important to you. It'll help you get the strength to keep going.

You ARE tough enough to get through this. As Mother Theresa reputedly said - '[size=-1] I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much'.[/size]

 

[John the Engineer]

Well we've talked a couple times by e-mail. I don't know if we're just dancing around getting back together. I mean, I guess I feel like she's just figuring out herself, and I just feel like I can't move beyond it. I just don't have a life outside of work and her, and work was even for her, so I feel like I have nothing left. I don't want to reinvent myself, I've had to do it too many times, and I'm just not ready again. I'm killing myself one day at a time, eating myself up from the pain, and in a way I think I'm enjoying watching myself be eaten away, and feel like it's easier than dealing with it. I just don't know if I feel like healing.

 

[InTheFlame]

I just don't have a life outside of work and her, and work was even for her, so I feel like I have nothing left. I don't want to reinvent myself, I've had to do it too many times, and I'm just not ready again. I'm killing myself one day at a time, eating myself up from the pain, and in a way I think I'm enjoying watching myself be eaten away, and feel like it's easier than dealing with it. I just don't know if I feel like healing.

There is a certain pleasure in being wracked with pain, isn't there? Maybe it's because when we give ourselves over to that sort of existence, we're letting go control of our lives and giving it over to someone else. There's a weird sort of satisfaction and power in that - effectively saying 'YOU are responsible for my well-being, YOU have done this to me'. It's definitely easier than getting off one's backside and doing the hard yards to heal

You do have a point, you've focused your entire life on her and now that she's at least halfway out of the picture, you've got nothing left to live for. On the bright side, you have the opportunity to learn one of life's big lessons - never stake your entire happiness on a human being. The phrase 'only human' came about for a reason - we're all imperfect and WILL stuff up, and hurt people, big time.

That's why God tells us not to put anything else above him in our priority list. HE doesn't change. He doesn't stuff up. He doesn't leave people in the lurch and let them go when they desperately need someone to hold them up. He doesn't handle our grief clumsily and trample all over our pain.

I know God is grieving with you. I know he shares your pain. YOU have the choice to turn to him and let HIM start the work of recreating you... from the inside out. He's the creator, and he doesn't stuff up when it comes to fixing us up. He can change your heart, help you to want the things HE has to offer, help you to depend on HIS love and constancy. He can heal you and show you the way to healthiness, not misery.

God bless.

 

[SirKenin]

As Mother Theresa reputedly said - '[size=-1] I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much'.[/size]

Isn't that the truth.

 

[lanajean1126]

John-

You must trust in the Lord and that He will help you through this painfull time. Although I can't say that I've been in your position, I can say that bringing myself closer to God has always made my situations better. As others have said you must put God first in your life. His love for you is far stronger than any of us could ever love another. He will be there for you, but you must trust in him and that He will make things better.
Also, try to find a way to let out your grief, frustrations, and stress. I too am highly dependent upon my significant other and when things get rough, I have no where to go. Try reading a book. Maybe one that has some insight on what you're going through.

I'll be praying for you and may God Bless!

 

[SirKenin]

John, I'm really seriously concerned about you. It goes beyond another woman in your life. It really sounds to me that you are too needy, clingy and co-dependent. Your whole life revolves around having a woman in it. You can't stand on your own two feet, by your own admission. There is something very seriously wrong there. These are all characteristics that push women away. They see them and they put up with it as long as they can, longer if they are needy themselves, and then they run in the other direction.

It seems to me, honestly, that your focus shouldn't be on this woman at all. It seems to me that your focus should be on God, yourself and your job. If you're not strong enough to stand on your own, you're not ready for a woman in your life.

I also get the feeling that you are concerned about some shortcomings in your own person, although I don't know what those are. You seem to think that this is the last person in the world for you. "I'm going to die now, because this woman left me". A normal, mentally stable and well balanced individual knows that it's not the end of the world, they still have God, themselves and their jobs, and they know that yet another one is right around the corner. You're not seeing that.

For example, when I broke up with my pet, within a week I had dealt with it. I had spoken about it openly to myself and my friends. I had gone over the good and the bad in the relationship thoroughly, I knew where things had gone wrong from both sides and I knew how to address the problem. More importantly, I knew myself and I knew for sure there was another woman just dying to be with me. It turns out I was right.....There was. Enter Veronica into the picture (and several more, incidentally, that were disappointed).

I think where this healing all has to start is you. You have no idea how to problem solve. Your friends are getting tired of it, quite possibly because they don't want to provide a shoulder to cry on anymore (this is only a suspicion, don't shoot me if I'm wrong). You haven't worked it out in your own mind, you haven't had productive discussions and let your friends tell you what THEY think about how YOU can get YOURSELF back on track. It's all about how you miss this lady. I'm sure you do, I feel for you, but there is much more to the picture than that that you are missing here IMO.

Start focusing inwards. See the areas where you are weak. Where you lack. This woman leaving is not all her fault. You played an equal role. Figure out what that role is. Work on it and resolve the issues. Think of where the problems lay in the relationship. Think of the good AND the bad. Get yourself in position before God. Talk to your friends not of how much you miss this woman, but where improvements in you can be made. Change your focus. I am sure they don't want to hear you cry about your lover leaving you forever. It gets old. I am reasonably sure this is why you are wearing your supports down as you said. There is a better option. Get their contributions to build you up. A dialogue as opposed to a monologue. It will help you too, I promise you.

I also recommend a psychologist to address some of the mental issues. I recommended the same thing for my pet. It has really helped her to get back on her feet again.

Even if this woman does come back, which would be nice, I see these issues as issues that need addressing.

Good luck.

 

[pegatha]

John, you've already received some excellent advice and insight, especially from InTheFlame and SirKenin. There are just a couple of things I would like to add.

Severe stress can take its toll on you physically. Among other things, it can really mess with your brain chemistry. Your suffering has lasted long enough that it may have turned into a low-grade clinical depression. Please consider seeing a physician to ask about possible short-term treatment. There are some wonderful medicines now that can help you break out of your depression. They won't solve any of your problems for you, of course, but they can normalize your brain chemistry again so that you can think clearly about the solutions.

The other issue I wanted to address concerns what you wrote about your potential in-laws.

I do understand that you marry the family, if they're going to bring their family into the relationship. I mean, people do leave their families out of the relationship, at least for the most part, and decide that their life is their own.

Whether you eventually get back with this woman or not, I want to caution you against assuming that most people "leave their families out of the relationship." Be very careful if your fiancee's parents are hostile or overbearing and she expects you to tolerate their behavior. Not everyone obeys the "leave and cleave" command to put spouse above parents. Not even all Christians take this duty seriously, sad to say. Never underestimate the destructive power of bad in-laws, or of a spouse who refuses to put his/her marriage ahead of his/her parents.

 

[SirKenin]

Never underestimate the destructive power of bad in-laws, or of a spouse who refuses to put his/her marriage ahead of his/her parents.

Amen to that! I can personally attest to this, having gone through this with a few relationships already where the parents just hated me for no reason and it caused all kinds of problems in the relationship. I am very fortunate that my SO's parents like me this time around. They even treat me to all kinds of good food.

 

[InTheFlame]

Never underestimate the destructive power of bad in-laws, or of a spouse who refuses to put his/her marriage ahead of his/her parents.

I heartily agree with this. I've known many couples having major problems because one of them couldn't let go of mum or dad enough to stand up for their spouse and their marriage - and act as an adult.

 

[mlukas]

I heartily agree with this. I've known many couples having major problems because one of them couldn't let go of mum or dad enough to stand up for their spouse and their marriage - and act as an adult.

I TOTALLY agree with this! Take it from someone who's been there! My ex-wife had WAY too close of an unhealthy relationship with her family and it caused a LOT of problems and interfered with the relationship. She's clearly not ready for a serious relationship if she's too afraid to stand up to her parents. Marriage will not change this. Love will not change this. Moving to another town will not change this. You cannot change it.
It is heartbreaking but better you cut your losses now then end up in divorce court over it a few years down the line...

M