So it happened again...

[Neostarwcc]

So my transgendered friend has yet again unfriended me on discord. This is a big deal because every single time he has unfriended me and I mean everytime he has done it to me over 6 times in the last 3-4 years he has attempted to harm himself and had to go away for a little while and I'm always stuck praying and worrying about him for months on end not knowing if he's alive or dead. I told him the last time this happened that if it happened again I would call the police but he moved about 3 months ago and he told me where in Ohio he moved to but I can't remember the name of the town he moved to. So all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and worry for several months for him to get out of the hospital and spend several months in a row googling his name checking for obituaries and/or updates because they don't post Psychiatric hospitalizations online or in the paper.

I'm just worried to death and this time I'm considering not being his friend anymore when the inevitable friend request comes from him several months in the future. I just don't know if I can deal with the pain anymore because he hurts himself on a regular basis. He takes meds for it and it doesn't matter how much my wife and I be his friend he has a mental illness and hes always constantly hurting himself. I should have sympathy and be sympathetic because I also have a lifelong mental illness but right now? I'm just hurting. I don't know if he is alive or dead and if he Is gone I don't think I could EVER forgive myself. Mainly because it's my fault I'm such a bad friend. If I was a good friend to him he would not attempt to harm himself every 5 minutes. I mean... come on. I don't think I could take a lifetime of this and that just makes me feel even worse. So... please pray that he's okay and gets the help he needs and finds a friend who actually makes him not want to hurt himself anymore. Instead of a friend who constantly makes him want to hurt himself... *sigh*

 

[AlexB23]

So my transgendered friend has yet again unfriended me on discord. This is a big deal because every single time he has unfriended me and I mean everytime he has done it to me over 6 times in the last 3-4 years he has attempted to harm himself and had to go away for a little while and I'm always stuck praying and worrying about him for months on end not knowing if he's alive or dead. I told him the last time this happened that if it happened again I would call the police but he moved about 3 months ago and he told me where in Ohio he moved to but I can't remember the name of the town he moved to. So all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and worry for several months for him to get out of the hospital and spend several months in a row googling his name checking for obituaries and/or updates because they don't post Psychiatric hospitalizations online or in the paper.

I'm just worried to death and this time I'm considering not being his friend anymore when the inevitable friend request comes from him several months in the future. I just don't know if I can deal with the pain anymore because he hurts himself on a regular basis. He takes meds for it and it doesn't matter how much my wife and I be his friend he has a mental illness and hes always constantly hurting himself. I should have sympathy and be sympathetic because I also have a lifelong mental illness but right now? I'm just hurting. I don't know if he is alive or dead and if he Is gone I don't think I could EVER forgive myself. Mainly because it's my fault I'm such a bad friend. If I was a good friend to him he would not attempt to harm himself every 5 minutes. I mean... come on. I don't think I could take a lifetime of this and that just makes me feel even worse. So... please pray that he's okay and gets the help he needs and finds a friend who actually makes him not want to hurt himself anymore. Instead of a friend who constantly makes him want to hurt himself... *sigh*

I pray for the healing of your friend.

 

[bèlla]

You aren't responsible for his mental challenges or decision to pull away. And as difficult as it may be for you to consider separation may be required. You can't save him and the stress of his departure and concerns for his welfare is taking a toll. He needs professional help and you aren't it. You can be supportive but cannot replace a doctor's care and that may be the best place for him until he's stable.

Give your burden to the Lord and stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. It isn't your fault.

~bella

 

[Neostarwcc]

You aren't responsible for his mental challenges or decision to pull away. And as difficult as it may be for you to consider separation may be required. You can't save him and the stress of his departure and concerns for his welfare is taking a toll. He needs professional help and you aren't it. You can be supportive but cannot replace a doctor's care and that may be the best place for him until he's stable.

Give your burden to the Lord and stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. It isn't your fault.

~bella

Well the good news is there is always somebody checking on him because he is such high risk. So there's always a therapist calling him and if he doesn't respond she goes to his house to check on him. That's how they found him the last time he unfriended my wife and I. He unfriends us because in his mind it "spares us the pain" of his demise but honestly it only intensifies it and is a clue that something is going wrong and we need to call the police. I really wish I could remember what town he moved to he used to live in a small town about an hours drive from Cleveland.

But you're right I can't be a doctor and you would think the doctors at the Psychiatric facilities would get his meds under control he oftentimes has to stay there for weeks if not months. The last time he was there for almost 3-4 months because he was high risk for a very long time and then when they got him under control they needed to adjust his meds and make sure he was okay. He was for about 6 months and now he's likely back in again.

He thinks a lot of my wife and I I think if he ever wanted to terminate our friendship that he would tell us instead of just unfriend us out of the blue so he is likely back in again from another attempt. If he's you know, okay. I don't know if I will terminate our friendship though I'm only mad/sad/scared/ and confused at the moment. To be completely honest I don't know exactly how I feel or am supposed to feel. In time I will make the decision but I'd hate to terminate the friendship after he just gets out only to have him go back in again you know?

 

[bèlla]

In time I will make the decision but I'd hate to terminate the friendship after he just gets out only to have him go back in again you know?

This isn't a one time incident. It's a recurring pattern. In fairness to him, if you're going to maintain the connection you must accept what comes with it. Which means bearing up when he pulls back and accepting that's part of the bond.

While you may empathize with your friend you have your own struggles and this can't be helping. You don't need an episode either and must establish boundaries for your welfare. You can't have it both ways. How does your wife feel about it and the impact it has on you?

~bella

 

[Neostarwcc]

You're absolutely right I need to think about my well being as well. Well she caught me crying in the car when we went to get groceries this afternoon and spent about a half hour in the parking lot consoling me saying he was probably OK. So a bunch of people at the grocery store saw me crying which was a tad embarassing. He probably is ok because of how often people are checking up on him. But other than that she hasn't really said a thing after I told her when she got done work that he did it again. She just said all we can do is pray and wait since we don't remember what town he moved to and we don't know his mother's new maiden name or we would call her instead because she could check up on him. Her old husband passed away in 2018 so her maiden name changed because she remarried a few years ago.

But you're absolutely right it's a constant occurrence. I need to at least quit blaming myself because it's him who has the mental illness and not me who triggers him I just always think I say or do the wrong thing because he always seems fine a few days before hand and then boom he goes into a deep dark pit with seemingly no way out. I really feel sorry for him.

 

[Unqualified]

But it’s the life they have chosen, an unstable life. It’s not your fault. Maybe he gets rejected and can’t handle it. He surely can’t handle that lifestyle. What are you trying to help the person do, accept himself or come to his senses.
I said it with compassion and not anger, as a Christian. They should not let mi people do this. I mean abort mission, like whatever.

 

[eleos1954]

You aren't responsible for his mental challenges or decision to pull away. And as difficult as it may be for you to consider separation may be required. You can't save him and the stress of his departure and concerns for his welfare is taking a toll. He needs professional help and you aren't it. You can be supportive but cannot replace a doctor's care and that may be the best place for him until he's stable.

Give your burden to the Lord and stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. It isn't your fault.

~bella

Agree with this ... some people are beyond human help .... God is always there .... give it to God.

 

[bèlla]

But you're absolutely right it's a constant occurrence. I need to at least quit blaming myself because it's him who has the mental illness and not me who triggers him I just always think I say or do the wrong thing because he always seems fine a few days before hand and then boom he goes into a deep dark pit with seemingly no way out. I really feel sorry for him.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and your wife. Given your challenges this isn't an ideal connection. Maintaining your peace of mind is foremost. If you want to support someone in need it shouldn't be a person with mental health struggles. There are other areas of the church where your encouragement would be apropos. Work with your pastor to find them.

~bella

 

[Grip Docility]

So my transgendered friend has yet again unfriended me on discord. This is a big deal because every single time he has unfriended me and I mean everytime he has done it to me over 6 times in the last 3-4 years he has attempted to harm himself and had to go away for a little while and I'm always stuck praying and worrying about him for months on end not knowing if he's alive or dead. I told him the last time this happened that if it happened again I would call the police but he moved about 3 months ago and he told me where in Ohio he moved to but I can't remember the name of the town he moved to. So all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and worry for several months for him to get out of the hospital and spend several months in a row googling his name checking for obituaries and/or updates because they don't post Psychiatric hospitalizations online or in the paper.

I'm just worried to death and this time I'm considering not being his friend anymore when the inevitable friend request comes from him several months in the future. I just don't know if I can deal with the pain anymore because he hurts himself on a regular basis. He takes meds for it and it doesn't matter how much my wife and I be his friend he has a mental illness and he's always constantly hurting himself. I should have sympathy and be sympathetic because I also have a lifelong mental illness but right now? I'm just hurting. I don't know if he is alive or dead and if he Is gone I don't think I could EVER forgive myself. Mainly because it's my fault I'm such a bad friend. If I was a good friend to him he would not attempt to harm himself every 5 minutes. I mean... come on. I don't think I could take a lifetime of this and that just makes me feel even worse. So... please pray that he's okay and gets the help he needs and finds a friend who actually makes him not want to hurt himself anymore. Instead of a friend who constantly makes him want to hurt himself... *sigh*

You are being the hands of Jesus to this friend. Jesus deals with the same pain that you are dealing with. He pours His love into many that fall prey to the ideas of this world which are tit for tat/quid pro quo/carnal value only. This world pours so much hate into each of us. It is only by the Love of God that we ever find peace. You are a light on a hill to this friend. As surely as God is not responsible for those that turn from His Love and give cause to the hateful lies of Satan, you are not responsible for this friend's pain.

What you are is the face of Grace to this friend and I assure you, that you have given them Love that they can't yet comprehend. I pray that God stills your friend's hand from harming themselves.

 

[William J]

I pray that God would work in your friend's life and provide the help and healing that he needs. I also pray that God would keep your friend safe. In Jesus' name, amen.

 

[Ace777]

So all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and worry

What you can do is pray, pray and then pray some more until God gives you peace. To worry is to have an attitude that does not please God. He gets really angry when people grumble and complain when they should give Him Praise, Honor and Glory. We are told we have not because we ask not, so we need to be sure to pray and ask for what we need.

 

[Joseph G]

Neo,

I isolated myself from the world for 10 years. Only one person had my phone number and called once a month to see if I was still alive - my Dad. But I only said the minimum to him just to get him off the phone - I trusted NO ONE.

When the Lord began to draw me out, He led me to call some of my old friends in Christ first. One wanted nothing to do with me. I totally understand and pray for him regularly knowing we'll be brothers in Heaven one day (I suspect he prays for me, too, though).

Others that I contacted were kinda lukewarm, so ok.

And then there was Blair.

When he first heard it was me, he demanded to know why I cut him off? I told him that it wasn't because of him, that I had cut everyone off, and that it was because I was so deeply ashamed and humiliated by yet another nervous breakdown and my divorce. I had lost everything and everyone dear to me. I worried that that included God, too.

I could write a whole novel about how God drew me back to Him and healed me (yes, of even mental illness), but to your situation I'll only focus on Blair's part.

Blair simply said he understood, and welcomed me back with the heart of the Loving Father in the Prodigal Son parable. I found out later that for all those years I thought I didn't have a single friend, Blair had been posting on my facebook page (which I wasn't using anymore) in a vain attempt to get through to me somehow.

And then there was this. Every Sunday he searched through the obituaries to see if I was there - just so he would know when to let me go. THAT really got through to me!

And that's how I knew that for all those years, and the devastation caused by my own sins, GOD had never let me go. Ya know?

Something unique about Blair. He was one of my groomsmen at my wedding (um, 32 years ago). He stopped by my bachelor party back then saying he couldn't stay, but wanted to tell me something. I said, what Blair? He said...

"I love you, Joe."

I said, "I love you too, Blair."

Well Neo, that man has proven that he meant EXACTLY what he said. Just like God means EXACTLY what He says when He says He loves us.

Since being reunited that day, we talk for about 2 hours by phone once a week. I've discovered that he is delighted to have his friend back, as I am he. And best of all, it isn't a case of him solely supporting me, but of bearing each other's burdens and encouraging each other. Imagine that, someone needs ME. We actually laugh now and often celebrate over how far God has brought us. We are most definitely eternal brothers.

Neo, I've said this not to lay an undue burden on you. I totally agree that you should proceed as the Holy Spirit directs. I just want you to know that I recognize the heart of a true friend. And I'll bet my bottom dollar that your friend does too, in spite of his behavior.

And know this, Blair was just the first step to recovery for me. I've since "come out" and made friends at Church and where I live and have the pleasure of a full-time ministry to share with my "neighbors" what Jesus has done for me - and mine.

So it's NOT all on Blair's shoulders, never was. Same with you and your friend. If all you can offer in the future is your prayers, it is enough! God especially treasures the prayers of a true friend, because He recognizes your heart of flesh - His heart! If you find the strength to offer more when he reconnects (and I predict that he will - that's what I've prayed for), then even better.

God bless, Neo!

2 Samuel 1:26 ESV

"I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
very pleasant have you been to me;
your love to me was extraordinary,
surpassing the love of women."

 

[Grip Docility]

Neo,

I isolated myself from the world for 10 years. Only one person had my phone number and called once a month to see if I was still alive - my Dad. But I only said the minimum to him just to get him off the phone - I trusted NO ONE.

When the Lord began to draw me out, He led me to call some of my old friends in Christ first. One wanted nothing to do with me. I totally understand and pray for him regularly knowing we'll be brothers in Heaven one day (I suspect he prays for me, too, though).

Others that I contacted were kinda lukewarm, so ok.

And then there was Blair.

When he first heard it was me, he demanded to know why I cut him off? I told him that it wasn't because of him, that I had cut everyone off, and that it was because I was so deeply ashamed and humiliated by yet another nervous breakdown and my divorce. I had lost everything and everyone dear to me. I worried that that included God, too.

I could write a whole novel about how God drew me back to Him and healed me (yes, of even mental illness), but to your situation I'll only focus on Blair's part.

Blair simply said he understood, and welcomed me back with the heart of the Loving Father in the Prodigal Son parable. I found out later that for all those years I thought I didn't have a single friend, Blair had been posting on my facebook page (which I wasn't using anymore) in a vain attempt to get through to me somehow.

And then there was this. Every Sunday he searched through the obituaries to see if I was there - just so he would know when to let me go. THAT really got through to me!

And that's how I knew that for all those years, and the devastation caused by my own sins, GOD had never let me go. Ya know?

Something unique about Blair. He was one of my groomsmen at my wedding (um, 32 years ago). He stopped by my bachelor party back then saying he couldn't stay, but wanted to tell me something. I said, what Blair? He said...

"I love you, Joe."

I said, "I love you too, Blair."

Well Neo, that man has proven that he meant EXACTLY what he said. Just like God means EXACTLY what He says when He says He loves us.

Since being reunited that day, we talk for about 2 hours by phone once a week. I've discovered that he is delighted to have his friend back, as I am he. And best of all, it isn't a case of him solely supporting me, but of bearing each other's burdens and encouraging each other. Imagine that, someone needs ME. We actually laugh now and often celebrate over how far God has brought us. We are most definitely eternal brothers.

Neo, I've said this not to lay an undue burden on you. I totally agree that you should proceed as the Holy Spirit directs. I just want you to know that I recognize the heart of a true friend. And I'll bet my bottom dollar that your friend does too, in spite of his behavior.

And know this, Blair was just the first step to recovery for me. I've since "come out" and made friends at Church and where I live and have the pleasure of a full-time ministry to share with my "neighbors" what Jesus has done for me - and mine.

So it's NOT all on Blair's shoulders, never was. Same with you and your friend. If all you can offer in the future is your prayers, it is enough! God especially treasures the prayers of a true friend, because He recognizes your heart of flesh - His heart! If you find the strength to offer more when he reconnects (and I predict that he will - that's what I've prayed for), then even better.

God bless, Neo!

2 Samuel 1:26 ESV

"I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
very pleasant have you been to me;
your love to me was extraordinary,
surpassing the love of women."

@Neostarwcc, this is the most helpful answer here and there are some other excellent answers, but Neo, read this one and commit it to heart. This is the outpouring of @Joseph G's heart and he is on the Spiritual Money!

 

[Joseph G]

So my transgendered friend has yet again unfriended me on discord. This is a big deal because every single time he has unfriended me and I mean everytime he has done it to me over 6 times in the last 3-4 years he has attempted to harm himself and had to go away for a little while and I'm always stuck praying and worrying about him for months on end not knowing if he's alive or dead. I told him the last time this happened that if it happened again I would call the police but he moved about 3 months ago and he told me where in Ohio he moved to but I can't remember the name of the town he moved to. So all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and worry for several months for him to get out of the hospital and spend several months in a row googling his name checking for obituaries and/or updates because they don't post Psychiatric hospitalizations online or in the paper.

I'm just worried to death and this time I'm considering not being his friend anymore when the inevitable friend request comes from him several months in the future. I just don't know if I can deal with the pain anymore because he hurts himself on a regular basis. He takes meds for it and it doesn't matter how much my wife and I be his friend he has a mental illness and hes always constantly hurting himself. I should have sympathy and be sympathetic because I also have a lifelong mental illness but right now? I'm just hurting. I don't know if he is alive or dead and if he Is gone I don't think I could EVER forgive myself. Mainly because it's my fault I'm such a bad friend. If I was a good friend to him he would not attempt to harm himself every 5 minutes. I mean... come on. I don't think I could take a lifetime of this and that just makes me feel even worse. So... please pray that he's okay and gets the help he needs and finds a friend who actually makes him not want to hurt himself anymore. Instead of a friend who constantly makes him want to hurt himself... *sigh*

Hey Neo, any news about your friend you'd like to share? If not, that's cool. He was just on my mind so said another prayer.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I still haven't heard from him he never added me back to discord. We're assuming he doesn't want to be friends with us anymore. We'vean been thinking about him too. I haven't tried adding him to my friends list and begun the friends process myself because well... I don't know. If he hasn't done it than he probably doesn't want to talk to us it's been almost a year since he removed us so it's pretty clear he wants nothing to do with us.

I've googled him several times to check if he was you know... still alive and he is so he's alive and well and that should be good enough for us. Still I wish he knew how much we miss him. We miss him a whole lot and I wish he was around to talk to. But of he doesn't want to be our friend anymore I can't force him I can only continue praying that he can one day find Christ and one day find happiness without us. That's all that my wife and I really wanted to accomplish for him was to bring a little joy into his life and I really hope we accomplished that because we both really, really loved and cared about him and still do.

If it turns out 1, 5, 10 years down the road he wants to look us up and be friends again we will always be there we promised him that.