So I'm the bad guy

[Linnis]

Basically my BIL refuses to help his son with his homework, or review his spelling, make him eat his veggie or correct him when he's wrong. He doesn't parent his child.

My Brother in law has 2 days off, Tuesday and Wednesday, but when I get him back on Thursday, we have 3 days of homework to complete plus review for spelling because my BIL simply will not do his homework with him. Or say, okay bud time to turn off the TV and do your homework.

Or he won't punish him for anything and I will because I don't treat him rudely and I expect the same and so basically...

I'm the mean one. I don't want to be the mean one but it's fallen on me to start things like bed time, bath time, meal time, and then he only follows suit once my nephew does it on his own anyway.

But I get to be the one who makes him cry when I put him to bed at 8 or when I give him a time out for cursing or I make him do his homework. It also doesn't help because my BIL will undermine anything I try and do. Like insisting he eat all of a given meal otherwise he gets nothing but water until the next meal.

The only time he does anything is yells and makes him scared and it solves nothing because it's inconsistant and he only yells at what annoys him at the moment so my nephew doesn't have clear cut rules away from me. So he doesn't even know what he should do...

I guess this is more of a vent, but I wouldn't mind ideas on how to approach my BIL on actually PARENTING his child.

Thanks.

 

[Princessperky]

You can't fix the BIL, you can only help your nephew have some skills to use in the real world, and actually one day he will not have you to tell him to do the homework either.

I would skip the homework for those make up days, but do it for when you are there. So when he gets in trouble he knows it is his actions at his fathers house. And I would offer a reward if he does it at his fathers house, 'cause lets face it, it is hard to work when playing is so easy, and prolly encouraged, never met an average kid who didn't need help with homework, bet Dad doesn't want to help.

I also might offer some extra praise for work well done IN FRONT of the BIL, so he sees how your nephew glows from praise of work well done (never saw a kid glow form TV watched?)

On the food thing, I don't think forcefeeding is a good idea, I mean yeah, no dessert or junk. "if your not hungry enough for real food your not hungry enough for junk", but umm maybe he just isn't hungry at the same time as you? I doubt he has regular meal times with his dad.

Bedtime well he prolly wouldn't be such trouble if he had enough sleep to start with, unfortunatly (IME) kids today are sent to bed when they fall asleep or irritate the parents then woken up at rediculously early hours of the day to go to school.(OK so I am a night owl, anytime before 8 is rediculous .) Not the best way! But, you can make the 20 minutes before bed a really cool time, so that bedtime is a promise of more fun tomorow rather than a cut off for the TV. Idunno what the kid likes but you could try to find some calming quiet one on one activity, help him brush teeth (you need yours done too right? No I don't expect my 7yo to need help, but my kid doesn't have your nephews father) Then talk quietly, or if your DH is around boys tend to have more in common with men, let them talk quietly, reinstate a bedtime story if he likes any fantasy or scifi (you read or share, agaiin no I don't expect my kid to need that at that age, but my kid doesn't have your nephews father)

I guess what I am trying to say is don't treat him like you would your own at that age, and don't assume fixing the father would fix the problem (while it might) it isn't likely to happen. I would love to swoop in and fix my ILS and would even love to believe that if I pointed out the specifics of how keping kids up late increases morning hassles would actually result in kids having bedtimes (among other things) but it wont happen, I can't even change my DH I certainly can't change the ILS. (not that they do everything wrong, just a few things I could so easily fix - now anyone know how to make a 3 year old stop being curious and stop testing limits? my problem)

I am sorry this is long, I hope some of it is helpful, and doesn't sound rude .

 

[Linnis]

I also might offer some extra praise for work well done IN FRONT of the BIL, so he sees how your nephew glows from praise of work well done (never saw a kid glow form TV watched?)

That might work but any praise I give usually is over shawdowed by the yelling or the fear he will be yelled at later.

On the food thing, I don't think forcefeeding is a good idea, I mean yeah, no dessert or junk. "if your not hungry enough for real food your not hungry enough for junk", but umm maybe he just isn't hungry at the same time as you? I doubt he has regular meal times with his dad.

It's not force feeding. I do not sit on him and push the food down his throat. I'm also not a short order chef who'll make food at the beck and call. I make dinner, he has the right not to be hungry but he can refuse to eat dinner but then 10 minutes later be hungry for a pudding cup. I'd galdly heat up some left over dinner...but on those days he's "hungry for dessert" and sorry I'm not buying it.

Bedtime well he prolly wouldn't be such trouble if he had enough sleep to start with, unfortunatly (IME) kids today are sent to bed when they fall asleep or irritate the parents then woken up at rediculously early hours of the day to go to school.(OK so I am a night owl, anytime before 8 is rediculous .) Not the best way! But, you can make the 20 minutes before bed a really cool time, so that bedtime is a promise of more fun tomorow rather than a cut off for the TV. Idunno what the kid likes but you could try to find some calming quiet one on one activity, help him brush teeth (you need yours done too right? No I don't expect my 7yo to need help, but my kid doesn't have your nephews father) Then talk quietly, or if your DH is around boys tend to have more in common with men, let them talk quietly, reinstate a bedtime story if he likes any fantasy or scifi (you read or share, agaiin no I don't expect my kid to need that at that age, but my kid doesn't have your nephews father)

We do read a lot. Normally bed time is okay usually he's crying because he's upset because he wants to stay up to see dad when he gets home(at 11pm, bedtime's at 8pm) or because he knows the next day he'll be yelled at. He always makes me tell him dad every night that he loves him and would love to have fun with him.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't treat him like you would your own at that age, and don't assume fixing the father would fix the problem (while it might) it isn't likely to happen.

I am sorry this is long, I hope some of it is helpful, and doesn't sound rude .

How should I treat him? Should I keep the same order his Dad does?

No, you we'ren't rude.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Bless your heart, but you signature says it all. However Ultimatley though it is your nephew's homework. He is old enough to go to school and old enough to understand he has the work to do. That would be the point I would try nicely place emphasis on.



I used to tell mine "Education is the first thing you really have that is all yours.
No one can get it for you and no one can ever take it from you. It's yours.

 

[Linnis]

I could understand that but most of the time they arn't even home, they are off to a BBQ or boating or to his(BILs) friends house or swimming. I don't think any seven year old could resist swimming when homework is the alternative.

I will talk to him about his homework and get him on doing it by himself now that he's in second grade.

 

[Svt4Him]

Why exactly is it your business again? Perhaps I missed something, but my sister is not responsible for my children, and if she was going off like this I'd let her know it as well. Unless you have been asked to help, you have little to no authority over those kids.

Or did I miss something?

 

[Linnis]

Why exactly is it your business again? Perhaps I missed something, but my sister is not responsible for my children, and if she was going off like this I'd let her know it as well. Unless you have been asked to help, you have little to no authority over those kids.

Or did I miss something?

I have him easily 60 hours a week. Last year I had him living with me and my husband for almost four months while my BIL wasn't able to care for him. I still keep him while my BIL works and a lot of times while he isn't.

My BIL mostly has his son on these two evenings and when he's asleep, I or school has him the rest of the time. My BIL's GF has recently started helping me out and taking him if I have a doctor's appt or I need a day to myself.

Sorry I guess I should have explained that. Your sister probably doesn't have anything to do with your kids because you probably don't leave it up to her to practically raise them.

 

[Princessperky]

How should I treat him? Should I keep the same order his Dad does?

No I didn't mean that!!! I mean well it might sound odd but I mean treating him like the scared, scarred little boy he sounds like, instead of a big second grader. Cause well he isn't a big boy, how can he be when no one besides you has tried to teach him to be? But you are there now and you are trying your best, and you will make a HUGE difference in his life.

I totally agree with you on the non short order cook, and no pudding cups if you don't eat dinner .

I dunno if it will mean anything to him, but if he is crying for his dad at night, maybe you can promise to send dad in for a kiss when he comes, and then corner the dad and get him to do just that, preferably with a notacable 'thing' to find in the AM, like computer printed cards mentioning somethings the dad likes about the kid, yeah I know more work for you cause it doesn't sound like the dad will do it, but if it is something you know to be true and printed, all dad has to do is drop off a folkded piece of paper each night and the kid feels extra special (cause you ahve told him how tired dad is and how it would be a HUGE important deal for him to drop by - ESCORT DAD to make sure it gets to the bedroom!)

Oh I guess if it can't be forced out of dad (of course asked for much more tactfully than I would!) have the secret drop off be in the lunch box or at breakfast or something. So long as you stop dad to mention it is happening it counts as 'from DAd'

 

[Linnis]

I try to treat him like a big boy but his attitude and behaviour is all over the map.

It does mean all the differance in the world when he says "Well I ask questions because you know lots of stuff." makes me feel better even just a little.

One day he cries a lot like easily 7-8 times over anything and everything and the next he's wanting to be the rough boy and asked if he can so smash stuff and it's like huh.

I try to always treat him with respect. I don't let him run the show but I do say please and thank you...I guess it comes down to he hasn't figured out how much I actually do do for him and he takes it for granted because he doesn't know any better.

He got detention in school again today. So his Father cannot ignore the signs forever because I couldn't sign him out so his Dad had to go in and get the letter. Maybe he'll see his impact on his kid...hopefully.

Thank you for your replies.

 

[BeanMak]

The best advice so far is

I would skip the homework for those make up days, but do it for when you are there. So when he gets in trouble he knows it is his actions at his fathers house.

I know when mine were in school, some of the teachers made me feel that the homework was MINE. Help him if he asks, remind him when he is at you house to turn off the tv. But ultimately, he has to learn to do it on his own.

 

[Linnis]

I took the advice and am leaving the responcibility of his homework up to him. He's got a long weekend(The 3 days plus his vacation with his Dad for a week) and I suggested it might be better to get it over with today then to wait until the last minute but he's decided he can do it later.

 

[LynnMcG]

It's getting to the point where you almost have to tell your BIL this is it - either you follow through or I'm done. What he's doing is just being lazy. AND being lazy now is going to create a juvenille delinquent in a few short years.

I think I agree about the homework thing. I know you're his aunt, but you're not his mother. You're really a sitter. It's not your job to parent.

In the meantime, continue to pray about this. And you may need to pray to ask God to change your approach instead of making your BIL comply. Ask God to give you eyes to see this situation for what it is and a heart to respond the way HE would want you to.

 

[Linnis]

The problem is he WILL NOT change. He will not be an active parent. If I do not watch him he'll leave him with whomever is cheapest, either his mother who lost her rights because she's a Meth addict(and was physically abusive towards my nephew) or anyone else. Social services won't do anything because my BIL has a very well paying job and good insurence, so that automatically makes him a good parent. I know you are giving advice and it's good advice but I'm between a rock in a hard place, I can't make him change and according to the legal authorities I've talked to nothing can be done.

I am however talking with his GF(who lives with my BIL & nephew) and she agrees things have to change and he needs to parent more and I need to parent less. So she's working on him, because she gets through to him more than I ever can.

I have cut back on when I'll take him. Now it's only during work, not whenever or all the time. It's given me a break and a lot of the time given him little choice but to be around his child. He's beginning to see that he needs to be around him more, although he still hasn't got that being a Dad doesn't mean only having fun.

 

[Princessperky]

Rasing people is slow going, and it feels slower when they are already supposed to act like adults .

BUt sounds like there is some definate positive changes, so at least he is moving in the right direction!