I am so confused on what to do about my marriage any advice would greatly be appreciated. He asked for a divorce because he wants to live by himself but yet hasn't moved out yet. We have been separated since July living in the same house but in separate rooms - he has done alot to hurt me and don't know if I could ever trust him again - he has not moved out yet and says he wants to work on the marriage but not showing any signs that he wants to. How long do I live this way - I am a very affection person - he doesn't show me any affection now and won't wear his wedding band - he said he would put it back on when he feels a need to - he lost his job so I feel like he is living here cause he has no where to go - he won't go to counseling - he won't talk to anyone about it and gets mad at me for talking about it to anyone. He won't go to church - how long do I live this way - all I do is cry - don't see it being fair to me. He says he loves me but not in love with me anymore - I am the one trying to save this marriage in turn I am falling out of love with him as well.
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So confused
- Thread starter TryingToSmile
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faerieevaH
lucky wife
Do not live like this any longer. Sticking in a situation like this is not going to get your marriage back on track. While I am not an advocate of divorce, getting the divorce proceedings under way might actually be the only way to wake him up out of his "I can have it all" atitude: I don't have to work, I can still live here, I don't have to be kind to my wife, but she will still go out of her way to accomodate me and my needs.
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Thank you for the post - I just have to be strong and carry it out - I have the attorney on hold because he said he wanted to work it out but no changes on his part - that is what I am struggling with the divorce - am I going to be a bad person because I filed for the divorce and not him since he wanted it - what about my friends are they going to think bad about me.
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kaykay9.0
Guest
Sorry to hear this is happening to you. If you have a pastor you might could counsel with (just yourself) that might help clarify some issues for you. You need to do whatever you feel the Lord leading in this situation and not concern yourself with what someone may think about your actions or inactions here. Wishing you the best!
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Sorry to hear this is happening to you. If you have a pastor you might could counsel with (just yourself) that might help clarify some issues for you. You need to do whatever you feel the Lord leading in this situation and not concern yourself with what someone may think about your actions or inactions here. Wishing you the best!
Thank you for your post. My heart wants him to change how he feels about me but he won't and I can't stay unhappy much longer it is killing me inside - all I do is cry. He won't work on the marriage or do anything to change the marriage so I feel I don't have a choice since I am getting
sick over it. Please pray for me as I have asked everybody to do that God will help me through this.
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sleepythesahm
Guest
I will pray for you.
I can tell you my own husband and I lived in seperate rooms. We did not file,but I stopped acting concerned for him.He knew what time dinner was,he was here or not here. I didnt act bitterly or like I wanted anything at all from him. I acted as though he was a "houseguest" of sorts.
One night I lay at the foot of his bed and waited for him to tell me to come by him. (No nookie involved) Then we shared a room from ten on. You have to show them they want you,that they need to wake up; but I believe,at least for myself,it was important to not do anything that could not be undone.
I can tell you my own husband and I lived in seperate rooms. We did not file,but I stopped acting concerned for him.He knew what time dinner was,he was here or not here. I didnt act bitterly or like I wanted anything at all from him. I acted as though he was a "houseguest" of sorts.
One night I lay at the foot of his bed and waited for him to tell me to come by him. (No nookie involved) Then we shared a room from ten on. You have to show them they want you,that they need to wake up; but I believe,at least for myself,it was important to not do anything that could not be undone.
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How long did it go on for you to live that way - just don't know how long you should put up with living this way. What do you mean you stopped acting concerned - you didn't do anything for him - just trying to figure this all out - he won't have anything to do with me sex wise - I just feel like I am the only one working on this marriage and I am getting discouraged real fast.
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sleepythesahm
Guest
Probably because he knows you want it.For us it went on about 2 years and someodd months.
I did continue to cook, laundry,clean;but I made no efforts to call,cuddle, ask how is day was,etc. A place was set for him to eat.Id ask him if he wamted more before I put it away. But things that were questions became statements. "What should we have for dinner" turne into "Im making __" or "I dont know". If he asked qquestions, Id usually say "nothing really" "youre welcome to join me'"no thank you" -basic polite but disinterested responses.At first he didnt care,then he really really cared. Because he didnt know..If you get a chance read about ruth and naomi. Ill try to type better later when Ive two hands and dont have to manuver around my sons head
I did continue to cook, laundry,clean;but I made no efforts to call,cuddle, ask how is day was,etc. A place was set for him to eat.Id ask him if he wamted more before I put it away. But things that were questions became statements. "What should we have for dinner" turne into "Im making __" or "I dont know". If he asked qquestions, Id usually say "nothing really" "youre welcome to join me'"no thank you" -basic polite but disinterested responses.At first he didnt care,then he really really cared. Because he didnt know..If you get a chance read about ruth and naomi. Ill try to type better later when Ive two hands and dont have to manuver around my sons head
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My feeling is he should want it also unless he is getting it elsewhere - oh wow that is a long time and you stuck by his side for that long - how did you do it and not go crazy - I will give him a hug if he asks for it but won't go out of my way anymore - so give him the cold treatment I guess - I see about the questions and statements.
Thanks for your help - believe it or not everything helps in dealing with this.
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- Aug 3, 2004
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In reality you don't have a marriage, just living arrangements. I reckon its going to be your call. if he gets a job and money will he then move out? Quite possibly.
Yes, some people will be critical. That's life. They are not you and living your life. But you might find who your real friends are, although there may not be too many.
John
NZ
Yes, some people will be critical. That's life. They are not you and living your life. But you might find who your real friends are, although there may not be too many.
John
NZ
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Thanks for your post - I know it is like we are friends living under the same roof except I have restrictions on what I can and can't do because we are married/separated whatever it is. Not sure if he will move out or not if he gets a job and if he does then my gut feeling will be true.
Well I know my true friends will stick beside me as well as this forum
and I know so called friends gets less and less every day being friends.
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kaykay9.0
Guest
Will definitely pray for you and your situation, sweetie!Thank you for your post. My heart wants him to change how he feels about me but he won't and I can't stay unhappy much longer it is killing me inside - all I do is cry. He won't work on the marriage or do anything to change the marriage so I feel I don't have a choice since I am getting
sick over it. Please pray for me as I have asked everybody to do that God will help me through this.
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LovesToRead
My peace I give you. Don't be afraid.
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I would get counseling by yourself for sure. You need people in your life to know what is going on and to help and support you.
He may be depressed. You can't continue to let him run your life this way. Please do get some help.
He may be depressed. You can't continue to let him run your life this way. Please do get some help.
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hisbloodformysins
He's my best friend
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yeah, you don't want to enable his behavior for not allowing him consequences to his behavior. You could set an ultmatum for him, let him know how his behavior is effecting you and let him know what you will and won't do like tell him that if he doesn't want to live as a married couple, then he needs to pay rent.... and if he doesn't pay rent, then he doesn't get to live there anymore.... you might talk to a lawyer about the legal aspects of it. And then follow through. Tell him you'd like to remain married if he can do his part and give you his love, but that you need action and not just words, that you aren't willing to do this on your own... and these are your expectations.... you could set a deadline for him like by the end of the month if you have not persued counseling and still don't want to live as a happily married couple, then you need to move out.
HB
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MyKidsDaddy
I will survive and thrive !!!
Trying...
I will be praying for you. We are in exact opposite rolls. My wife did move out in July. I'm the only one trying to work on the marriage. I'm just now getting to the point of "I don't care what she's doing or with whom". I have been considering a communications blackout with her.. but have not gone through with it. However, I have stopped calling her or text msg, or emailing her. I tell her usually once a week what the kid's schedule is regarding school / church activities. If she wants to go its up to her. I don't remind her about anything. She wants to live alone...well, so be it. The kids live with me. We have 5. (3 in college, 12yo and 9 yo at house)
I think my wife uses me because she knows that I don't believe in 2nd marriages.....Well, I learning some new stuff. Beliefs do change and/or evolve.
I will not enable her to treat me as she has any longer.
Don't beat yourself up over someone who is not respectful or loving toward you.
If he lost his job and is not actively seeking employment then you have $$$ issues that may just get worse.
Check out some post by FaithfulWife. She has some good insight / experience.
Pray for an open ear to hear G-d's word. G-d won't make your husband change nor you for that matter. But, G-d will change you if you submit to HIM. That's my new found purpose,...to Let Go and Let G-d direct my path. Funny, its the one purpose that should have been first in my life anyhow.
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c1ners
Senior Contributor
I am in the same spot as you. It's hard, I know. And I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it.
I wish I were a stronger person. If I were I'd give him a due date of when I expect things to be better. Maybe six months from now. Maybe a year. That would be up to you. I'd tell him that if things don't change within that set time, I will leave. And I'd stick to my plan.
That's if I was strong. But I'm not, so I live with it. My husband lost his job too. For the past month he's been either fishing everyday, watching tv, or surfing the web. He hasn't even went out and applied for unemployment.
I go to work and I come home to dirty dishes, dirty laundry, and supper to cook. He's gotten better within the last week, but still the bitterness is there. When I was sick and out of work he didn't help out a bit, but now that he's the one without a job, I seem to be the one having to pick up the slack. It just doesn't seem fair.
But I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe in giving up. And to tell the truth, part of me is scared to death of being alone. So I sit back and take it. But if I was stronger things would be a lot different.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
I wish I were a stronger person. If I were I'd give him a due date of when I expect things to be better. Maybe six months from now. Maybe a year. That would be up to you. I'd tell him that if things don't change within that set time, I will leave. And I'd stick to my plan.
That's if I was strong. But I'm not, so I live with it. My husband lost his job too. For the past month he's been either fishing everyday, watching tv, or surfing the web. He hasn't even went out and applied for unemployment.
I go to work and I come home to dirty dishes, dirty laundry, and supper to cook. He's gotten better within the last week, but still the bitterness is there. When I was sick and out of work he didn't help out a bit, but now that he's the one without a job, I seem to be the one having to pick up the slack. It just doesn't seem fair.
But I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe in giving up. And to tell the truth, part of me is scared to death of being alone. So I sit back and take it. But if I was stronger things would be a lot different.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
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