So Confused

[dj12776]

I have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter that I love dearly. Her mom decided to find somebody else about a year ago. She went behind our back and had another relationship with a man. We went to court and she pretty much got her way with the court. I had proof of her actions and that she wasn't putting our child's best interest first. It didn't matter. So I have my little girl every other weekend and four hours on a weekday after school. That's it. I pay support and the money isn't being used fairly for my child. If it was I would be fine with it. Well a few months ago I meet a great Christian lady who treats me and my child wonderfully. She lives 8 hours away from me. I have been wanting to move from this area but would love to take my daughter with me. Won't happen because the mom was awarded primary caregiver and I can't have full custody. My ex is trying to turn my child against me. She pitches a fit when I go pick her up for our weekend time. It really hurts alot. I am really depressed and lonely living here and only seeing my child 5-6 days a month. The new lady I met is wonderful and I could see myself being with her and having our own family one day. I've thought about moving near her and trying to get summer and holiday time with my daughter and whatever else I could get. Am I wrong for this. I love this lady and she is so good to me and I want to be with her. I hate to leave my child but I don't get a lot of time with her and my ex is really making it tough. I can't sit here and be miserable and lonely the rest of my life. Can someone please help with some advice. I will not turn my back on my child but it hurts sitting here alone for 5-6 visits a month. Do I deserve to be happy and be with someone even if I have to move 8 hours away from my child. I feel if my child see's me happy with my girlfriend and she enjoys being with us then she would be happy for me. I feel as she grows old that she will see that I was always there for her and looked out for her best interest and her mom didn't. PLEASE HELP!!!

​

 

[DNCM]

Can I put this in the eye of a child...

My mother left my family when I was young and left my and my 2 brothers to live with my father.. It is close to the same senario you are speaking about...My mother came to visit when she could and I loved the time we had. My father on the other hand wanted to bad talk my mother for leaving.....She tried to stay away and she would come back on occasion which hurt worse.

If Iw as to give advice. Move near this other woman who you are getting fornd of and try and get yourself together but do not stop going to these visits with your child. It will hurt her inside if you do...maybe not today or tomorrow...but if the mom is talking bad now think about how she will look at you in a few years without you....

 

[ElijahFalling]

Sue sue sue... and keep on sueing. Constant vigilance! You keep at it every day until your child is in the right hands. Get an attorney, get the dirt on your ex, and go in there and play hard and don't stop until you've won.

 

[PsH]

Sue sue sue... and keep on sueing. Constant vigilance! You keep at it every day until your child is in the right hands. Get an attorney, get the dirt on your ex, and go in there and play hard and don't stop until you've won.

ohhhh k, umm dont do the whole sueing this please. try and get fairer terms of custody but dont sue. when that comes out later in life it leaves big questions in a childs mind (even when they are 20 and very stable)

Moving closer to this lady will be a good move if you are happier but i only say this cos it will help your relationship with your daughter-children pick up on depresion more than they get credit for.

The fits are hard to deal with and you wil likely have to wait until she is older and at a maturity where she is able to think through what is said.

My parents split when i was 8, i dont realy remember all of it but once thing prevails ni childrens minds. confusion.

There are feelings and things said that a child simply cant handle, this will mean behaveour will be eratic and random. And i would imagin her mothers bad influence will efect her for some years.

They only know one side of the story, or they hear 2 sides that conflict. i stil dont know what in reality is corect, i know more than by bro/sis coz im oldest etc and there are things ive worked out, but dont realy know. The best thing to do in terms of talking with your daughter is to not say too much.

The natural thing is to defenc urself against the false things being said about you, but the above will hapen if you do it too much. wait until she is older, then she wil ask likely the questions or u will have oportunity to discuss it with her.

Actions speak louder than words is very mush the winning strategy for you. you can argue against ur wife for years and only make it worse, but if your child has you behaving difrently to what is said about you then that will make a big impact long term.

Trying not to go head to head with your ex through your child is the best aim. This is not your intention i know, but if ur wife says one thing and you say another or buy something nice then it can get messy even if not intended.

ummm in terms of a posible new partner you wil need to be very careful your child doesnt feel you love the new person more than you love her. This is sooo hard to avoid, reasurance is always the key.

If you move you will need to reasure her and explain to her that u aint runin away or leaving her etc
she may throw fits when she sees u on wkends but this is probably more something of insecurity and a plea for help something along them lines not a personal grudge to you. So when you move it wil stil hit her, it may even help the relatonship with her.

wel il stop now coz im not sure if im guno repeat myself on things. is very complicated an senstive, these things i say from my experiece as the child and fro looking in on other relatonships etc ur situation wil be unique and wil take alot of discernment to know what is needed to be done.

hope this is helpful, am here if you have specific questions

paul (phil4, prov3)

 

[ElijahFalling]

Sue sue sue
Til your face turns blue
Sue sue sue
Cause there's nothing else to do
Sue sue sue
Til she cries "Boo hoo"
Sue sue sue
Til your child's back with you!

- Lyrics by ElijahFalling

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Dj12776

The very best thing you can do is get on with the rest of your life. If the women is the right one to marry then do it.



Set up a good GOD FEARING home for your family.



You did not say how old the child was so I can not advise as to what you might do in the courts on a modification of custody.


A baby is treated much different than say a 3 year old.


Now if you had a home set up then without a doubt you could have custody of the child in the summer months when they are not in school.


I specialized in domestic relations and might be able to give you more insight but I would need more information.


Attorney's and the courts are expensive, so only use them when the time is right and you have and are prepared.


Laws are also changing in the way child custody is being administered. You do need to know what they are.



EVEN IN THIS ALWAYS REMEMBER:




X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[Godslilgurlalways]

Can I put this in the eye of a child...

My mother left my family when I was young and left my and my 2 brothers to live with my father.. It is close to the same senario you are speaking about...My mother came to visit when she could and I loved the time we had. My father on the other hand wanted to bad talk my mother for leaving.....She tried to stay away and she would come back on occasion which hurt worse.

If Iw as to give advice. Move near this other woman who you are getting fornd of and try and get yourself together but do not stop going to these visits with your child. It will hurt her inside if you do...maybe not today or tomorrow...but if the mom is talking bad now think about how she will look at you in a few years without you....

I see his point that is along time to go without seeing someone even though you will have the summer see which is more time I think the first one is more time with the child you could just bring her there on the every other weekends.


I know someone who is about my age and we were talking and he was saying how he doesn't like how he has to wait to see his dad and thetime they get to spend together and all. I would suggest joint custody(would try for it)

Dear Dj12776

The very best thing you can do is get on with the rest of your life. If the women is the right one to marry then do it.



Set up a good GOD FEARING home for your family.



You did not say how old the child was so I can not advise as to what you might do in the courts on a modification of custody.


A baby is treated much different than say a 3 year old.


Now if you had a home set up then without a doubt you could have custody of the child in the summer months when they are not in school.


I specialized in domestic relations and might be able to give you more insight but I would need more information.


Attorney's and the courts are expensive, so only use them when the time is right and you have and are prepared.


Laws are also changing in the way child custody is being administered. You do need to know what they are.



EVEN IN THIS ALWAYS REMEMBER:




X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[snoochface]

I would not move from your child. You only get to see her every other weekend and a few hours during the week -- but are you prepared to make a 16 hour round trip, twice a week, to continue those visits if you move 8 hours away?

You say you can see yourself having a life and a family with this woman. But you already have a child, and leaving her to start a new family is going to register with her sooner or later. Dad sees his new kids all the time, why'd he move so far away that he can't see me too?

Your daughter is 5. She's way too young to be able to see you happy and be happy for you. She's going to be really self-centered for a long time to come because that's how kids are. They need their parents, and even though you can't see her much, you making a concerted effort to see her as much as you possibly can - which is at least a few hours every week right now - will mean something to her when she is old enough to understand. If she looks back and says, "My dad saw me every chance he got" she's going to feel a lot better about how loved she is than if she looks back and says, "My dad moved so far away from me I hardly ever got to see him... but at least *he* was happy..."

I wouldn't do it. Find a way for your new lady friend to move closer to you, or go back to court and fight for new custody arrangements for your daughter. But don't leave her so far away that you can't spend all the time you possibly can with her. It will hurt her in the long run.

 

[asjs1206]

I have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter that I love dearly. Her mom decided to find somebody else about a year ago. She went behind our back and had another relationship with a man. We went to court and she pretty much got her way with the court. I had proof of her actions and that she wasn't putting our child's best interest first. It didn't matter. So I have my little girl every other weekend and four hours on a weekday after school. That's it. I pay support and the money isn't being used fairly for my child. If it was I would be fine with it. Well a few months ago I meet a great Christian lady who treats me and my child wonderfully. She lives 8 hours away from me. I have been wanting to move from this area but would love to take my daughter with me. Won't happen because the mom was awarded primary caregiver and I can't have full custody. My ex is trying to turn my child against me. She pitches a fit when I go pick her up for our weekend time. It really hurts alot. I am really depressed and lonely living here and only seeing my child 5-6 days a month. The new lady I met is wonderful and I could see myself being with her and having our own family one day. I've thought about moving near her and trying to get summer and holiday time with my daughter and whatever else I could get. Am I wrong for this. I love this lady and she is so good to me and I want to be with her. I hate to leave my child but I don't get a lot of time with her and my ex is really making it tough. I can't sit here and be miserable and lonely the rest of my life. Can someone please help with some advice. I will not turn my back on my child but it hurts sitting here alone for 5-6 visits a month. Do I deserve to be happy and be with someone even if I have to move 8 hours away from my child. I feel if my child see's me happy with my girlfriend and she enjoys being with us then she would be happy for me. I feel as she grows old that she will see that I was always there for her and looked out for her best interest and her mom didn't. PLEASE HELP!!!

​

Well, here's my opinion. I have a blended family. I also have a son whose Father is not involved in his life but maybe 2-3 times a year. I know you are having a hard time with the pain, and I realize that you have found someone that you assume will make you happy BUT...as a father your first priority has to be your daughter. Her fits is probally not all about spending time with you. her fits probally are coming from the fact that her loyalty is split. In a child's mind, her world has been broken, and the only reaction that she knows to have is to have a fit. I think that moving 8 hours away from your child would not be a wise move-you are a father first, no matter how you feel about this new woman. I would do a lot of praying, and seeking God with a whole heart before I would even make a decision like that...
That's just my opinion...I know it's hard, I have been divorced, and divorce is hard, and painful no matter what. I also know that being lonely hurts but God is there no matter what.
You are in my prayers....

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Dj12776

I missed the fact that your child is 5 years old. Sorry.


There is no doubt if you had a good home setting that you could at least get the summer months and some long weekends when she is not in school.



There might also be a reason for a change in custody, but neglect or abuse has to be proven. For this we would need more information.



The most important thing you can do RIGHT NOW is establish a good home life that would be an advantage for the child. That is what the courts will look at most of all.



ALWAYS REMEMBER:




X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

 

[Aisynia]

Gosh darn, you've had many opinions set here from various age groups. You may or may not still be split in your decision. However, rather than suggesting a motive that you would take, pray to our Good Lord about it. This is the best advice I can offer you because I've put myself in your shoes, and personally I feel confused about what I would do were I in this situation.

Pray though for a calm spirit, that our Heavenly Father may uplift your sad spirit in this time. Only He can fill your heart with joy even if everything around you seems to be crumbling down. Go to Him, first and foremost. Be Blessed.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I have never been in this situation so I don't know how valid my advice would be to you, but I'll give it a go anyway. I am not so sure that your daughter will be able to see that you were doing the best thing in moving away. Honestly If your ex is saying all that horrible stuff about you to your daughter, you moving away could make the situation worse. Is there any way that this woman is willing to move where you are? I mean if she doesn't have a child maybe she would consider it. You have a child, and it would be best to keep her best interest at heart. BUT if you believe that God is leading you to marry this woman, then a way will be made, everything is possible with Him, even the most impossible situations; especially like the one you are in now.

Talk with the woman that you are seeing now, I am sure she is understanding to the fact that you have a daughter, and that you do have a duty to her. Pray about it with her, and maybe God will lay it on her heart to move to you.

I dunno, this is just my two cents, but I will keep you in my prayers none the less.