So confused.... :(

[Sorrowful Soul]

This may be pretty long....
Latley, I have been getting more and more depressed. I don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I mean, I have a counselor, but he is really no help at all. He only comes when he wants to. All he ever tells me is to just stop cutting. I can't just stop. It pains me to say that I am addicted to cutting. I cannot stop. I have been doing this for 5 years now and it is getting worse. I just wish that I could sit down and talk to someone without them calling my mother. She found out about me cutting about 2 years ago and put my in a hospital. After that, she thinks that I stopped cutting, but I haven't. She has asked me about it, but I just tell her no. She says things like, "If I find out that you are cutting yourself again, or making yourself throw up, I am putting you right back in the hospital. I just want someone to listen. I actually got up enough courage to tell my best friend and she told me that I did it for attention. It took me 5 years to tell someone. I was so hurt. I do NOT do it for attention. I always hide them and I don't want anyone to find out. But now, it is getting harder and harder to deal with on my own. I go to church every chance that I get, I think about telling my youth pastor (who is the youth pastor also), but I am afraid of what he will say. I don't know if he would have to tell my mother. I am so scared to tell someone. I don't know how to stop or what to do. I am so confused. I am sorry that this is so long, I just had to get this out somewhere. Please someone respond if you can. I really could use some advice.

 

[Renwolf]

Hello,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this so much. If your current therapist isn't helping, can you get another one? Preferable one that understands that you can't just "stop cutting", at least not until you have a good support system and some better coping mechanisms in place. A good therapist will be able to help you find those replacement coping skills.

Is there any way you can try to explain your cutting to your mother? A lot people don't really understand it and when they find out that someone they love is doing it, they get scared and don't react properly. Can you tell her, perhaps, that it would be easier for you to stay safe and not return to cutting if you had a different therapist, one who was more reliable and more willing to listen to what you have to say?

Maybe you should consider telling your youth pastor. Is there a way that you could tentatively bring up the subject so you'd have an idea of how he'll react without coming out and confessing right away?

It's really important to get help, because as you can see, this is an incredibly difficult thing to have to beat on your own. It does just keep getting worse and worse. If you want to try to stop and you need help coming up with safe alternatives to cutting, just let me know.

Best of luck to you. Please try to keep yourself safe.

-Ren

 

[Sisof8]

I have been there where people say it is for attention, where people say to "just stop"... my dear sister... i understand your pain. i understand the desires and the hopeless feelings. If you are in Christ Jesus though, you are MORE than a conqueror *i cant spell, but you are ;-)* I understand the feeling of not having anyone to confide in or to share your pain with. My heart cries for you because I am there a lot of the time, and I truly do understand.

I have struggled with bulimia, self-injury, and a lot of other crap since i was 16... older then you even are now. It hurts me to know you've had problems with this since you were 10. :-( I know the people at the hospital cannot solve all of your problems and really... cannot even make the pain go away, but... they CAN help, they do have people there who WILL listen and will help you to find other ways to deal with the pain. My parents have told me most of the time I've struggled that I don't need therapy, I don't need treatment, I just need to stop. If your mom is willing to get you help amybe you should consider allowing her to...

 

[NinadeDios777]

wow. i've never even given a thought to the fact taht i have a whole group of friends that are willing to support me ni this; i guess i just took it for granted that they are making an effort to understand, and 2 or them are former cutters... i do know how that goes though; my biological unit found out i was cutting this summer and they took me to a shrink. they didn't know how long i'd been doing it though they thought it'd been only a month. the shrink was nice, but she didn't pick up on a lot of things. she just asked me, "you don't have depression right?" and of course, wanting to be anywhere but home, and i knew i would be staying home if i went into counseling (home is the place where i am most likely TO cut. where i was at the time, grandma's house, is the place where i am LEAST likely to cut. my counterparts took me away anywas. go figure).
when my friend brittney first found out she tried to go make me tell someone. it almost worked, but i was scared to tell the person because i dind't want them to call my biological counterparts. i want to tell this person (she's the pastors' wife) that i cut so that she can support me but i don't want to at the same time because i know that she will make me tell them. i'm still kinda struggling with that. i wish your mom wouldn't just shove you in a hospital. thats really sad... take care ok? and keep praying. i just prayed for you.
Jen

 

[ChasingADream]

Hey hun,


I can relate entirely. Word of advise, your Pastor has the responsibility to tell your parents because you're under the age of 18 so think about that before you say anything. You can talk to me any time you like. Maybe it will help you to know that I have a similar story. I hid my SI for 2 years from everyone which, as you know, is not easy especially in the summer if you're a cutter. I believe you that you don't do it for attention. It's embarassing and shameful enough to me when I do it so why would I even WANT anyone else to know? When I told a few of my friends I got the exact same reaction you got. Then of course everybody found out and I had no friends left at all. I was alienated at my high school.

It is good to let it out. You can tell me anything and I won't share it with anyone. Feel free to PM me anytime that you need to talk. Or even if you need a break from the crap you're dealing with and want to talk about something happy.

You're not alone.

 

[Sorrowful Soul]

This may be very long...
Thanks to everyone who responded. I have been thinking about this A LOT.. I am still confused... I just really want to be able to sit down with someone and just "pour it all out" and not have to worry about getting in trouble...I can't tell anyone at my school because all they will do is call my mother. I am also afraid that they will tell me that the only reason why I told someone was for the attention.. They just don't understand what it is like to have so much pain, sorrow and depression that you don't know what to do. I feel so alone at times because I have this problem that is getting bigger and bigger and I actually want someone to listen.. I want some help, but I just don't want me parents to find out. I think that it could do more harm than good! I would tell my mother, but she will just throw me back into the hospital.. I don't feel like that is the place for me right now.. I just want to tell someone, and get it over... 5 years has really been to long... I want to stop, but I am scared.... I know this is all jumbled together, but I needed to get all of this out... So, thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

[Annoula]

honey...i don't know if this helps ...

but especially when i was younger and when i had the need to talk to someone i would just call a friend and make herself listen to me. i just wanted to take it out and so i did. i didn't need any advice or anything. just to talk.
i still do it today, but i try to be somehow polite and not rattle by myself for a long time.

you could think about that if you really need to take it out.

and remember... there are always people willing to listen to you. just you.
you just need to find the courage (cause it needs courage most of the time) and give it a try!

i wish you all the best!

love and hugs,

Anna

 

[amtvball4jesus]

my parents told me i did it for attention, but i DIDN'T. i know how u feel. i quit s/i in july 2004. i am glad i have it behind me, but i still have scars... it's no fun! i am praying for you... i hope you are feeling a lot better very soon.

Love in Christ,
michelle

 

[Sorrowful Soul]

Thanks for the replys. The cutting continues to get worse. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am such a stupid person. I have even felt guilty for going to church. I felt like I shouldn't go because I had cut. Am I less of a Christian?
I have decided that I want to tell my youth pastors wife that I have been having a problem, but I don't think that I am going to tell her that it is cutting. At least I don't know if I should. I am so confused. I just don't know how to approach her... *sigh* I am so sorry for just rambling.

 

[RJHarmony84]

Thanks for the replys. The cutting continues to get worse. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am such a stupid person. I have even felt guilty for going to church. I felt like I shouldn't go because I had cut. Am I less of a Christian?
I have decided that I want to tell my youth pastors wife that I have been having a problem, but I don't think that I am going to tell her that it is cutting. At least I don't know if I should. I am so confused. I just don't know how to approach her... *sigh* I am so sorry for just rambling.

Ramble all you want! Yes, I think cutting makes you less...not just of a christian, but of a person...and don't say you think you're so little of a person it doesn't matter! YOU MATTER A LOT! Please don't stop going to church...that is just opening the door to the Devil and everything depressing, horrifying, and sinful out there. I would be careful about telling your pastor's wife, because you are telling your pastor too, through her, unless (and sometimes even if) you ask her not to tell anyone. But you do need to talk to someone who cares!
Maybe talk to a child? lol...when I'm depressed I talk to my 12 year old sister, who is old enough to keep a secret and young enough to want to help, without thinking I'm trying to get attention...sometimes children can be the best supporters in the world!
I'm so sorry about your parents...it sounds like they're denying you have a problem. They may be really scared for you tho!
Try drawing something when you feel the need to cut, or look up a Bible verse, any verse at all that means something to you, and copy it down. Make yourself lists of verses about God's love for you, and look at them a lot! I don't know what else to tell you...Just take care!

 

[NinadeDios777]

my parents told me i did it for attention, but i DIDN'T. i know how u feel. i quit s/i in july 2004. i am glad i have it behind me, but i still have scars... it's no fun! i am praying for you... i hope you are feeling a lot better very soon.

Love in Christ,
michelle

only one person ever claimed i did it for attention, and she was quicly corrected by my 2 other sisters, and me!

 

[penguin]

My heart goes out you . You are struggling and maybe apart from this site feel alone with this. Jesus knows your pain. Do you have a pastrol team at your church. Or could you speak to your doctor. It shold be confidential. Our parents can be too close to be able to help because they love us too mach abd our pain can hurt them more because of this.You need as you say someone with whom you can just talk. who is not as close to you as your parents are. I'll say the same that i have said before. Try using an elastic band. It works the same has the same effect but doesnt do so much damage. There is also a help phone number for people who self harm. I must find it and post it on here. God bless you heaps penguin

 

[Sorrowful Soul]

My heart goes out you . You are struggling and maybe apart from this site feel alone with this. Jesus knows your pain. Do you have a pastrol team at your church. Or could you speak to your doctor. It shold be confidential. Our parents can be too close to be able to help because they love us too mach abd our pain can hurt them more because of this.You need as you say someone with whom you can just talk. who is not as close to you as your parents are. I'll say the same that i have said before. Try using an elastic band. It works the same has the same effect but doesnt do so much damage. There is also a help phone number for people who self harm. I must find it and post it on here. God bless you heaps penguin

Thank you for replying... I have tried to get up enough courage to talk to my youth pastor's wife.. But I just can't do it. I am afraid of what she will say and if she has to tell my parerents. I just can't have anyone telling my parents. Trust me, it would do more harm than good. I think that I found someone who I can talk to, I just don't know how to bring it up... I am scared to tell someone and what they will say... It just seems easier to just not tell anyone, but I know that I need to tell someone... I am sorry for rambling.. I do that a lot..

 

[penguin]

I'd say it is more important with you being able to talk to someone full stop rather than telling your parents. Would phoning a self harm phone help line help? Maybe they could give you advice though it is not a christian help line it is purelyfor self harm like the samaritens. Is so I'll dig out the number if that is allowed to place on here else i could give it to you privately maybe. Telling your parents isnt your priority right now if all it will cause is more pian and grief for you. Next time thye feel that urge to cut do try the elastic band it is just as effective but will save you from scaring yourself any more. Let us know hoe you go
Penguin