Small group dilemma...

[bchris02]

I am currently in the process of trying to leave a small group I've been part of for the past year. To make a long story short, I am leaving it for two reasons. First, I struggle with homosexuality, have left the lifestyle, the leader knows this, yet still makes fun of gay people non-stop. I am not talking about Biblical criticism of the homosexual lifestyle, but JOKES. As somebody who struggles, to be the brunt of every joke increases my insecurity therefore making my struggle more difficult. It also makes me feel unaccepted. Second, every group outing is to a very expensive restaurant ($25-$50/plate min) that I can hardly afford. I don't mind eating upscale from time to time but why does every group outing have to be a $40 meal when there are homeless people who don't know where their next meal will come from?

Part of me is feeling guilty for leaving, like I should have done more to change the group. Are these valid reasons for leaving the group? In addition, I do like most of the guys in the group, and don't want to cut off friendship with them. There is a social coming up on Thursday (once again, at an expensive restaurant), I feel I should attend since I haven't seen those guys for a while, as I've been going to another small group. Problem is, I will have to miss my new small group meeting to hang out with them. If I don't go to this dinner though its likely they will think I am being snobbish and avoiding them which could further damage my relationship with these guys.

How should I approach this situation? Should I skip the dinner and attend my new group or should I (reluctantly) go to save these relationships? What could I say to allow me to leave the group without offending them? I am horrible with confrontations as I am a people pleaser. Thanks for any advice on this!

 

[LilLamb219]

I'd show up to the old group meeting and let them know that you found a new group that you feel is a better placement for you and then ask them to pray for you for further strengthening your faith. That should pretty much let them know what is happening and end on a good note without causing rifts. If they're a church that is totally against homosexuality, then you will not help things out by "outing" yourself. With the money thing, maybe they can all afford it? If they do ask what other reasons you have for leaving, you can bring up the money issue, but then offer something positive from the other group that you feel bonds you to them

 

[BFine]

If the leader of your small group is making jokes at your expense
I would advise you to discuss the matter with your minister.
Letting it go isn't doing you or anyone else any good.

How are others in the group handling it when the leaders makes jokes
about homosexuals? Do they go along with it?

 

[Paul.]

In my church we have many small groups and there are differences between them. Some groups are for late teens, others are for young adults and others are for mostly retired people. Some are made up of people from one particular suburb and others are made up of people with kids. I also understand that there is one group which is for off road motorbike riders. In the warmer months they have quite a few off road motorbike riding outings.

Not all the groups I mentioned are my most culturally comfortable fit and we have a diverse range of groups because their are a diverse range of people in our church. No one group is able to be a comfortable fit for every type of person that there is in your church. If the old small group you were in was not a comfortable fit for you because of the reasons you have mentioned then I would stay in the new small group.

I believe homosexuality is sin and that God loves every homosexual just as much as He loves every non homosexual. Therefore, I find the homosexual jokes as being unacceptable and in the same vein as racism or sexism. If I was in the small group I would have stand up and say that the homosexual jokes were inappropriate for Christians to participate in. I think someone should have at least said "the homosexual jokes are unacceptable because bchris02 has had problems in this area." You can still be friends with those in your old small group, but when you have to choose between spending time with the new small group or the old small group, I would choose the new small group every time.

 

[Buzzy]

I too have a problem with the group leader making jokes that make you (or anyone else uncomfortable). I understand your struggle with homosexuality from the standpoint that I struggle with sin in my life too and none of our struggles are really any different.

I've got to agree with Paul that I would stand up and tell the group that those jokes and comments are hurtful and not helping your struggle. Give them a chance to fix their problem. If they don't then you can always move on and find another group but they deserve a problem to put away the root of bitterness in their own hearts first.

At for the dinner situation. Personally I figure I give my tithe and beyond to feed the homeless and less fortunate in our community and what is left over is mine to spend but the last few years the economy has made us cut back on eating out and where we eat out quite a bit. This may need to be explained to the group also.

I have a feeling that you're not the only person in the group that feels uncomfortable with the jokes or the meals but maybe you're the person to fix the problem.

 

[heron]

Most churches try to provide meetings that all can afford; this is an unusual expectation you are facing, and should be treated as out-of-the-ordinary. If you are bothered, then imagine how someone laid off might feel.

I agree with LilLamb that you should let them know you have a conflict, so gossip and conjecture doesn't begin before you have a chance to explain yourself. You are not obligated to tell them what the conflict is -- just say that you have a meeting that will cause you to miss that one, and that you would like to stay in touch.

I would even be concerned if a group met at a diner every time.... but $50 dinners! We have men's groups around here that meet for breakfasts at diners, where it's easy to just get coffee and say you've already eaten.

 

[Forealzchola]

You are doing the right thing by leaving this group. A simple email or text message saying you have found another group where you fit better in, is enough.

 

[Pal Handy]

I am currently in the process of trying to leave a small group I've been part of for the past year. To make a long story short, I am leaving it for two reasons. First, I struggle with homosexuality, have left the lifestyle, the leader knows this, yet still makes fun of gay people non-stop. I am not talking about Biblical criticism of the homosexual lifestyle, but JOKES. As somebody who struggles, to be the brunt of every joke increases my insecurity therefore making my struggle more difficult. It also makes me feel unaccepted. Second, every group outing is to a very expensive restaurant ($25-$50/plate min) that I can hardly afford. I don't mind eating upscale from time to time but why does every group outing have to be a $40 meal when there are homeless people who don't know where their next meal will come from?

Part of me is feeling guilty for leaving, like I should have done more to change the group. Are these valid reasons for leaving the group? In addition, I do like most of the guys in the group, and don't want to cut off friendship with them. There is a social coming up on Thursday (once again, at an expensive restaurant), I feel I should attend since I haven't seen those guys for a while, as I've been going to another small group. Problem is, I will have to miss my new small group meeting to hang out with them. If I don't go to this dinner though its likely they will think I am being snobbish and avoiding them which could further damage my relationship with these guys.

How should I approach this situation? Should I skip the dinner and attend my new group or should I (reluctantly) go to save these relationships? What could I say to allow me to leave the group without offending them? I am horrible with confrontations as I am a people pleaser. Thanks for any advice on this!

I hope that the real reason you are leaving is that you want more of God
in your life and that you want to experience the love of God through
others as Christ has taught.

If this is your real motive then go for it and search out Christians
that have God's love in their hearts and who will help you
grow and be all that God's wants for your life.

You don't have to turn your back on your friends but you
do need to follow God where He leads and it sounds to me
like you are searching for more...

Pray and ask God to lead you in this very important next step
in your life so that you will not simple walk away without
the desire to engage others that God wants to bring into your life.

 

[paul1149]

yet still makes fun of gay people non-stop

This meeting, and its expensive outings, is out of order. Is there an authority chain? Have you brought this up within the group?

If there is any possibility of change, pursue it. But if there is no openness to change, I would say to go. You'll find new friends, who will cooperate with what God wants to do in you, as you seek to conform yourself to His will and find a Body of believers that supports you.

 

[bchris02]

Thanks for all the replies thus far. Part of me feels like I haven't done enough to change this group but the other part of me feels like I am such a fish out of water that there wouldn't even be a point.

I'd show up to the old group meeting and let them know that you found a new group that you feel is a better placement for you and then ask them to pray for you for further strengthening your faith. That should pretty much let them know what is happening and end on a good note without causing rifts. If they're a church that is totally against homosexuality, then you will not help things out by "outing" yourself.

I am thinking I should just bite the bullet, go to the restaurant tomorrow night, to end on a good note because I am sure the gossip is already starting. Bad thing this will require me miss my new small group which I feel more comfortable in, but it may be necessary to get some closure. The leader and one other guy knows of my struggle and I am sure they think I have left because I am dabbling in that sin.

What gets to me about the homosexuality issue is its not like they are harping against it on Biblical grounds. They mock it and make fun of it middle school style, and its the leader of the group that is primarily responsible. Thing is, he is one of the few people I've told about my struggle and I would expect him to have a little more love and respect for me than to act like that when I am around. He and this other guy in the group are constantly doing the whole "acting gay for laughs" thing. Its no joking matter for me. I could accept it if it was like an every once and a while thing but its become extremely excessive more recently.

With the money thing, maybe they can all afford it? If they do ask what other reasons you have for leaving, you can bring up the money issue, but then offer something positive from the other group that you feel bonds you to them

I am sure spending $50 on a meal is nothing to these guys. I just turned 26, I went to college and graduated but made some horrible decisions afterwards that completely destroyed my life and career. The past year has been focused on trying to rebuild my life. These guys on the other hand are mostly 30-somethings who are very well off financially with successful careers. I am at a very different place in my life than they are at which does create some of the awkwardness. There is one outing in particular I went to and none of the guys spoke to me the entire time.

I hope that the real reason you are leaving is that you want more of God
in your life and that you want to experience the love of God through
others as Christ has taught.

If this is your real motive then go for it and search out Christians
that have God's love in their hearts and who will help you
grow and be all that God's wants for your life.

You don't have to turn your back on your friends but you
do need to follow God where He leads and it sounds to me
like you are searching for more...

Pray and ask God to lead you in this very important next step
in your life so that you will not simple walk away without
the desire to engage others that God wants to bring into your life.

Agree with this! I just hope I am making the decision God wants and not what I want. That is what is unclear to me right now. I do know my other group was causing me to feel unaccepted, inferior, and ultimately was causing depression. Due to the nature of my struggle, one of my needs is to be accepted and affirmed in a community with other guys in a positive way, and when I do not have that, I feel a much greater desire to try to fulfill that need in a sinful way. But that may be a selfish reason for leaving my old group. Thoughts?

Once again, thanks for all the replies thus far!

 

[Pal Handy]

Agree with this! I just hope I am making the decision God wants and not what I want. That is what is unclear to me right now. I do know my other group was causing me to feel unaccepted, inferior, and ultimately was causing depression. Due to the nature of my struggle, one of my needs is to be accepted and affirmed in a community with other guys in a positive way, and when I do not have that, I feel a much greater desire to try to fulfill that need in a sinful way. But that may be a selfish reason for leaving my old group. Thoughts?

Once again, thanks for all the replies thus far!

Utimately you need to find your fulfillment in the ONE who loves you
so completely and absolutely that He took all your sins, guilt
and shame on Himself and became accursed so that you can be blessed.

If there is any good in any men it comes from Christ (God in flesh, Emanuel).
If there is any love that we can find in the hearts of mankind, it comes
from God who took on Himself the form of His creation and suffered at our
hands and was dispised and falsely accused and put to death by the
very creatures He had created to spend eternity with Him in perfect love.

God has given Himself to you completely and He has become as we are
so that we can become as He is and be with Him forever.

I said all this to try and put into perspective the unfathomable love God has for YOU
and how He longs that you would come near to Him and
find Him the ONE who can satisfy your longings for love and acceptance
as no one else can.

It is good that you look for Him in others and that you express Him to others
but please understand that all our searching and seeking will
begin and end in God who is love.

God does not only love, He is love.

Love is not defined by human beings in their limited relationships.
True love is defined in a person who is the originator and the
very meaning of love as expressed by who God is.

If you can grasp all that I am saying to you and desire to
know God in this greater way, go to Him and ask Him to replace
your idea of love with His reality of who He is and what the depths
are of His love for you.

God is true and will never disappoint you if you seek Him
with all you heart, a heart that longs for and is thirsty for
true love and He will fulfill your need and desire to love and be loved.

We treat God so badly at times.

It is as though we keep God in an ajoining room in our lives and
when we need something or desire His help, we run into the room and
pronounce our requests and run out of the room before God can even
speak to us and reveal His heart of love to us.

Have you ever spent time waiting upon the Lord?
Have you ever practiced being in God's presence?

Some call it soaking or tarrying in His presence but no matter what
it is called, we all can enter into a deeper relationship with our
Father if we will take the time to set aside some time to still our
thoughts and mind and invite God to come and spend time with us....
and then wait...wait...wait upon the Lord, giving Him time to speak
in His still small voice of peace, love and acceptance.

Try it sometime and be still before the Lord and you
will as many men throughout time, know that He is God.....

God bless you in your search for more...

May God meet with you in that special place where all fades away and
all that is left is you and the ONE who loves you beyond any words
that could ever describe the love He has for you....

 

[Hospes]

I'd show up to the old group meeting and let them know that you found a new group that you feel is a better placement for you and then ask them to pray for you for further strengthening your faith.

Wouldn't that be lying? As far as I can tell, the OP would leave the group for completely different reasons than what you are suggesting he say.

 

[Hospes]

I am currently in the process of trying to leave a small group I've been part of for the past year. To make a long story short, I am leaving it for two reasons. First, I struggle with homosexuality, have left the lifestyle, the leader knows this, yet still makes fun of gay people non-stop. I am not talking about Biblical criticism of the homosexual lifestyle, but JOKES. As somebody who struggles, to be the brunt of every joke increases my insecurity therefore making my struggle more difficult. It also makes me feel unaccepted. Second, every group outing is to a very expensive restaurant ($25-$50/plate min) that I can hardly afford. I don't mind eating upscale from time to time but why does every group outing have to be a $40 meal when there are homeless people who don't know where their next meal will come from?

Part of me is feeling guilty for leaving, like I should have done more to change the group. Are these valid reasons for leaving the group? In addition, I do like most of the guys in the group, and don't want to cut off friendship with them. There is a social coming up on Thursday (once again, at an expensive restaurant), I feel I should attend since I haven't seen those guys for a while, as I've been going to another small group. Problem is, I will have to miss my new small group meeting to hang out with them. If I don't go to this dinner though its likely they will think I am being snobbish and avoiding them which could further damage my relationship with these guys.

How should I approach this situation? Should I skip the dinner and attend my new group or should I (reluctantly) go to save these relationships? What could I say to allow me to leave the group without offending them? I am horrible with confrontations as I am a people pleaser. Thanks for any advice on this!

Your brother has sinned against you. In Matthew 18:15-17 Jesus explains how to handle it. I know to follow Jesus' instruction would be very difficult for you, but your Lord has made his will clear. Trust him for your ability to do his will. Even if it goes poorly in your eyes, you will have followed your Lord and know he is pleased with you. Always keep in mind you are to act for an audience of One.