Slowly Realizing

[trying2survive09]

I don't really want to go into my full story about abuse, but I've been abused in pretty much all three major forms (physically, sexually and emotionally). I suppressed all of it till about two years ago when it all resurfaced. I dealt with it in a pretty bad way (self injury, please don't judge. I’m so ashamed of it). But recently I’ve been realizing that because of the abuse in my childhood, I have a very difficult time trusting God and believing He could actually love me. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

 

[s_gunter]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but may another person (me) offer you some encouragement?

I too have been in your spot. I did my own things that I am ashamed of to cope. (I'm the last person to judge a SIer....) It was my experience that it is even harder to overcome when you can't even trust God. But God isn't a tyrant. Actually, his patience exceeds any human being. Also, God is more faithful than any human being. No matter what, He keeps His promises.

Also, please remember that all the promises offered by Him apply to you too. As a Christian, you have every right/priviledge to claim them for yourself just as much as every other Christian. I know that this is hard for you right now, but the last time I checked, you are one of his creations too. You are one of His children, and He'd never abandon one of His own. Remember this too. It wasn't God that abused you. It was those that abused you that are responsible. Yes, God did allow it(if He hadn't, that would mean that we didn't have free will to choose to love Him or not. We'd all be puppets.), but that doesn't mean that He wasn't disheartened at it. Jesus probably mourned with you the whole time.... In this case, don't parallel God with the people that hurt you.

To get over the emotional hurt of this, you have to believe that you yourself are a worthwhile person. Since you may not believe you are worth it, you'll also believe everyone else thinks this about you too. How could you possibly think otherwise? How can you believe someone else when they say that you are a worthwhile person when all you've ever heard is how bad you are, and are convinced of it yourself? Once you believe goodness about yourself, trusting in the Author of goodness is much, much easier.

 

[MBElijah]

I don't really want to go into my full story about abuse, but I've been abused in pretty much all three major forms (physically, sexually and emotionally). I suppressed all of it till about two years ago when it all resurfaced. I dealt with it in a pretty bad way (self injury, please don't judge. I’m so ashamed of it). But recently I’ve been realizing that because of the abuse in my childhood, I have a very difficult time trusting God and believing He could actually love me. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Hi there,
As for your self-injury, that is something that is built-in. It is a part of you that is dealing with some of the pain of your past. Don't feel ashamed of it. It is how you are dealing with it.

God loves you so much, I'm not just saying that, he really does, and he cares about everything you care about.
He loves you just the way you are. He wants us all to be like Jesus, but he understands that we go through some hard times.

In Christ,

 

[goldenviolet]

I don't really want to go into my full story about abuse, but I've been abused in pretty much all three major forms (physically, sexually and emotionally). I suppressed all of it till about two years ago when it all resurfaced. I dealt with it in a pretty bad way (self injury, please don't judge. I’m so ashamed of it). But recently I’ve been realizing that because of the abuse in my childhood, I have a very difficult time trusting God and believing He could actually love me. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

sweetheart you are His first fruits, His child, He will bless you with all you need, just keep turning your spirit and truth to him.

also, i'm a surviver too.

really all of us are. we survived the world and found Jesus. but i was talking about everything you mentioned. you will find alot of survivors here. we all are striving for the sweet love and will of God. i hope you will find lots of blessings here. love dee

 

[nowhereville]

I think that's a very normal reaction to abuse - or a better way to put it a very common reaction. I am also a long term abuse survivor who practiced self mutiliation.

In Sunday School when I was five we were taught if we prayed and it wasn't a selfish prayer, God would answer our prayers. I prayed and it never stopped.

I struggled with if God loved ME so much. I felt like he loved everyone BUT me and that for whatever reason I had made him angry and I came to fear God in a very negative way.

I've learned many many things over the years of walking with God like the abuse was the will of my abusers - however God was always with me and kept his hand on my life despite my many attempts to kill myself.

God is never harsh with me - he courts me and woos me and bring me to where I can be healed and used by him for God.

Honestly I never ask why anymore and I can truely say that I am and have been blessed beyond measure. Just keep walking towards God no matter what and you will be amazed at what he can do in your life.

 

[cruztacean]

I don't really want to go into my full story about abuse, but I've been abused in pretty much all three major forms (physically, sexually and emotionally). I suppressed all of it till about two years ago when it all resurfaced. I dealt with it in a pretty bad way (self injury, please don't judge. I’m so ashamed of it). But recently I’ve been realizing that because of the abuse in my childhood, I have a very difficult time trusting God and believing He could actually love me. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

I am neither your Creator nor your Savior, and would have no right to presume to judge anything you have done. I know the defensiveness, though, because sometimes I feel judged by other Christians about having been divorced four times. I once half-jokingly told an older woman I admired very much that "I want to be just like you when I grow up." She turned back to me with, "You can never be as good a woman as I am, because I have been married to only one man." Ouch. I give her a grain of salt because she's an elderly lady from another country, but still ouch.

The lady was mistaken. I can be as good as she is. We are all good in His eyes, once we have been cleansed. He doesn't care what we've done in the past.

I also have struggled with the Fatherhood of God. My own father was mentally ill and sometimes violent. It doesn't help that his name was Art, and you can imagine me as a small child when I learned "Our Father, who art in Heaven." I couldn't help but equate Him with my earthly father. When my siblings and I grew up, we found out that my sister was in fact only half-sister; she had been fathered by another man. For her part, she was greatly relieved to learn that "Art" was not actually her father. For my part, I was a bit envious.

Our earthly parents are imperfect, but our Heavenly Parent is not. It helps some people to think of God as Heavenly Mother instead of Heavenly Father. Either would be equally appropriate, I think, since God is a Spirit, not a human, and I believe God is too big to be limited to one gender. Jesus even likened Himself to a mother figure when He lamented over the city of Jerusalem, "How often I have wanted to gather you under my wing, as a mother hen gathers her chicks." Pardon the paraphrase. Furthermore, when I think of God's female side sending HER only begotten Son to be crucified.... wow.

But for me it *is* helpful to think of God as a loving Father. Once, during prayer, I was led by Him to re-pray the Lord's Prayer. I said, "OK, God, I'll do it." And I began, "Our Father...."

He said, "Stop."

I said, "Huh?"

He said, "Start over, and personalize it."

I re-began, "My Father...."

He said, "Stop."

I said, "Yes?"

He said, "The man you remember is your DNA donor. I am your Father."

And a burden was lifted off. Like my sister, I had found out that I too had a different Father.

I haven't seen "Art" since my teenage years. Nor do I have any desire to do so, because he threatened our lives more than once. He is, frankly speaking, dangerous. But now, as I heal, I am finding less and less distaste in finding things I have in common with him. It used to be the ultimate insult when I heard, "Yes, your father liked that/did that/thought that too." I didn't want to have any part of that man. Now I'm realizing that, like all of us, he had good, bad, and neutral aspects. There is nothing wrong with my liking the same kind of music, having the same opinion on some issue, or having any other specific thing in common with him.

God has promised to be to us whatever we need Him to be. Let God be your Father, Mother, Husband, Doctor, Friend.... I can think of none better, or even equal.

 

[trying2survive09]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I've been praying a lot (more than usual) about this and I'm starting to feel better. I still have so much to do...but i think i'm starting to realize the first couple of steps i need to take. It's just hard because of my issues with trust.

 

[uniquetadpole]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I've been praying a lot (more than usual) about this and I'm starting to feel better. I still have so much to do...but i think i'm starting to realize the first couple of steps i need to take. It's just hard because of my issues with trust.

(((((((((Trying2survive09))))))))))))

 

[trying2survive09]

Thank you all so much for your love, prayers, and encouragement. I had the most amazing experience at bible study on Thursday. At then end we had worship in which a lot of cool things happened. At one point someone said something about abuse and how those of us who have been abused really need healing from it. That's when I realized that I had never truly forgiven my parents and brother (those are the people who abused me) for what they did to me in my childhood. So, as I was sitting there praying and asking God to help me let go of the situation, they had an alter call for those people in need of healing to come forward. I didn't want to go at first, but I knew God wanted me to so I went. One of the leaders in my church came over and she asked what I needed prayer for. I couldn't tell her exactly what had happened because I was crying so much, but I did get out that I needed to forgive people in my past for what they had done to me. So she prayed with me and I let the whole situation go. It was the biggest relief. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder. The next morning I woke up early but didn't mind. I was in a great mood. During my prayer time, I realized that I could feel the love of God all around me and inside of me. It was the most amazing feeling ever and I can't remember the last time I could feel it. When I was praying I realized that I do trust God, at least with most of the current situations in my life. I had to share this with all of you. Thank you again for all your concern, prayers, hopes, words of wisdom, and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

 

[luv4godremains]

non one here will judge you, no one here has the right to judge you, and if they do, then they roo will be judged the same way by God. I especially have no right to judge you as you have no idea the things I have done to cope, many more things on top of SI, but I'm relaly sorry you are going through this.

I have been abused in those three ways, and I was just wondering if you have anyone you can talk to, a friend, a youth leader, a councellor?

Abuse is something that no one can carry on hteir own, everyone needs help, someone to talk to, someone's shoulder to cry on at times, and it's when we refuse any help that we need it the most.

You can't blame youself for what happenned, and I really hope you aren't blaming yourself! I hope you can find someone to talk to when you need to, and that you realise just how loved you are.

What has happenned to you in the past does not make you unlovable, it doesn't mean people will think you're contaminated or something, it was out of your control!

about your SI, have you got a "happy/safe" box? it could help to go have a look at photos or read something that cheers you up.

God bless, if ya wanna chat or anything, you can always pm me! I hope something I've written here helps in some way, if not, well, God loves ya and he's always with you, and yes it will be hard tot rust him, but when you walk away from him, or refuse to trust him, he's standing right by your side understanding and waiting for the day you can turn to him!

 

[trying2survive09]

non one here will judge you, no one here has the right to judge you, and if they do, then they roo will be judged the same way by God. I especially have no right to judge you as you have no idea the things I have done to cope, many more things on top of SI, but I'm relaly sorry you are going through this.

I have been abused in those three ways, and I was just wondering if you have anyone you can talk to, a friend, a youth leader, a councellor?

Abuse is something that no one can carry on hteir own, everyone needs help, someone to talk to, someone's shoulder to cry on at times, and it's when we refuse any help that we need it the most.

You can't blame youself for what happenned, and I really hope you aren't blaming yourself! I hope you can find someone to talk to when you need to, and that you realise just how loved you are.

What has happenned to you in the past does not make you unlovable, it doesn't mean people will think you're contaminated or something, it was out of your control!

about your SI, have you got a "happy/safe" box? it could help to go have a look at photos or read something that cheers you up.

God bless, if ya wanna chat or anything, you can always pm me! I hope something I've written here helps in some way, if not, well, God loves ya and he's always with you, and yes it will be hard tot rust him, but when you walk away from him, or refuse to trust him, he's standing right by your side understanding and waiting for the day you can turn to him!

Thank you so much for saying that stuff. I do have a mentor who I can talk to and I have started counciling (although the councilor does not yet know about the abuse). I don't have a safe box, but that is a really good idea. I think that I will try to put one together this weekend. Thank you for what you said about not being unlovable. I often feel that way. I struggle with realizing that people do love me and that God does love me. Some days are easier than others, but I think I'm slowly getting there.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I dealt with that too. I begged God to please help me on numerous occasions. I felt like I was screaming to deaf ears. I couldn't understand why God wasn't stopping it. I never hated God for it, but I couldn't understand why he would allow someone to treat me that way. It took me many years to finally let go of it and let him take care of me. I finally was divorced from my husband, and have now remarried to the most wonderful man on earth. God is good. It will take time to heal. I have been away from him for nearly 5 years and sometimes when I talk to him on the phone, I feel like the the same woman that lived with him. I didn't deal with my hurt in the most appropriate way either. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of. God is a merciful God and he knows all. He understands our pain. I am so thankful that I have had him to lean on. It will come in time. God is big enough to take on whatever we throw in his direction. God bless you sweetie. I'll be praying for you.