Slipping

[indonesianpalmtree]

Hi

It's been quite a while since i posted on this forum, but it seems i don't have many other places to turn to. About 6 months ago, my g/f and I broke up because i went off to college and the seperation ultimately deteriorated the relationship. It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time and we seperated "contently".

Unfortunately, i started to feel the effects a few weeks later and realising how much i love her still, i approached her again. She was stronger than me, and so she (with difficulty) declined my plea. This happened three times over a month. At the end of the month (and the month holiday) we got back together again. I was extremely happy but it was sadly time to return to college and thus any building-progress-time was wasted on pouring my heart out and pleading for her to take me back.

But then it seemed like all the old distractions came back by October. I imagined what it would be like to meet other girls (and she guys), faith played quite a significant role (since we disagree on key factors like degrees of dedication to God) and i actually started to regret the weekends (the only time i see her). There was so much pressure to perform as a boyfriend and vice versa for her. It collapsed again. The strange thing is for a whole month everything seemed great. I went out more frequently at college and tried to meet other people. Last week, however, going to her birthday, ALL the old feelings of regret and intense love rushed back into my mind and heart.

I cannot describe the feeling of pure morbid vanity that envelops me at this moment. I want to call her all the time (as she wants to call me) but we know we should hold out. There seems no good reason to remain seperated other than not to get hurt again and because next year she will go to another college and we'll be seperated again (despite any efforts that might be put into the relationship were we to get back together now and see eachother frequently during the holidays).

My faith has suffered immensely. Last night i broke three personal rules by getting drunk, smoking a cig and swearing horribly. I feel like God has left me to handle the situation on my own to grow or something. I was very close to Him since we broke up, but at the party it is as if He left me like an open wound to heal. I've even questioned core faith structures that have sustained me the past year and a half since i converted.

If anything, i've realised how weak i am and nothing, no comforting friend, beautiful music (or angry music for that matter) or prayers have helped me significantly. I know i'll not give up my faith, but i fear that something evil might return to me and taint the progress my walk of faith. Last year i went through three sessions of demonic expulsion and although i don't fear the devils, i fear the setbacks. My clock is ticking.

Any help would be appreciated. And don't spare the blunt answers and advice. I couldn't be kicked in a worse position already.

Thanks..

God bless.

 

[mikeforjesus]

Maybe reading the psalms will help give you guidance..

In my opinion the best time to date someone is when you are planning on marrying them and after much praying and seeking guidance.. there should be plenty of books that help online - but be careful what you read because some sites might not agree with the denomination you follow.. and they should be trinitarian

"since we disagree on key factors like degrees of dedication to God"

What do you disagree on?

What I especially want to say is I dont think God every wants us to walk alone.. He will always be there even if we dont know it.. I also dont think listening to angry music will help your spiritual growth even if it helps you express how u feel.. I u'se to listen to really bad music ..

Hopefully someone else will give a better answer because I think there is more to say .. maybe ill answer later.. for now God be with you my friend!

 

[IKTCA]

My friend,
It's been a very long while since I read your post last. I am glad to read your post again. I am also glad to see certain resoluteness in your post.

You titled your post SLIPPING. Indeed, it is a slip, a slip of your mind, a slip of your faith. But at the root of the slip is the slip of your devotion. You have neglected daily devotion through scripture reading and praying.

No godly man can stand firm without daily devotion. Paul would not have been able to stand without daily devotion. David would not have been able to stand without daily devotion, either.

Neither can Rupert, nor can (your name). "I was delivered of all demons. I am clean now." I am glad that you were made clean and are clean. But without daily devotion, you may not be able to remain clean more than a few days.

Remember, my friend,
Manna came down from the heaven. The earth did not make it. But even manna spoiled after one day.

.....If anything, i've realised how weak i am and nothing...

All godly minds confess the same.

I pray that you be restored to the Lord through daily devotion.

Rupert

 

[indonesianpalmtree]

Thank you for the posts so far. Mikeforjesus, in answer to your question, what we disagreed on was measure of dedication. If i may make this observation, i feel more like a "Jesus freak" than her, but i cannot deny her obedience to conscience and surprizing wisdom at times. Let's say she's not a very active Christian, not very representative of her faith. Should I deem her unsaved? Where is the difference in our beliefs? I fervently deny that denomination should have any significance among Christians otherwise our house is divided and one regards the other as superior (which seems as ludicrous as an eye feeling more important than an ear or vice versa).

In fact, in light of the issues in my life at this time, i declare a war on this word "denomination" and "method". It wastes my time and has tripped Christians up too much.

I've wondered whether i might not have been too proselytising during our relationship. Before we broke up, i imagined that i will find a more devoted Christian girl, but i fear that that would be unfair to my ex and this new girl whom i now identify only as a Christian and without uniqueness and created in the image of God. It's funny how i find my reasons for breaking up inadequate afterwards.

IKTCA, it may come as a surprize then that the last few months have been at my most fervent devotion-wise. I started reading C.H. Spurgeon's Morning & Evening, finished Lewis' Mere Christianity and various faith books like Wild at Heart. I'm not actively devoting myself morning and evening since i was very busy with exams, but that doesn't feel like the reason i'm "slipping". Reading and praying seem to become (forgive me) boring. I once read that to return to proper devotion, we must continue in prayer and not idolize anything. Could it be that i've suffered a blow because i might have unconsciously worshipped my g/f? This makes me sad.

At the second test of my faith this year, I've once again failed the Lord. After the last one, I wanted to personally grow in my faith and seperated myself from cell-groups and devoured scripture and prayed constantly - to prepare for a rainy day (or holiday) where I would have no-one to depend on but God. I have not held until the last, however, but rather gave up at the starting line.

So you see, i've tried daily devotion and prayer. I often get angry because God won't let me lie comfortably in his arms. I somehow get the feeling that I should "stop being a sissy" and go on the offence. Is this biblical? Like God purposely pulled back a bit so that this exposed wound may receive some wind and strengthen?

I will utilize the advice both of you have given. Less interpretation and more raw dependence on God; only read the Bible and not faith-books for a while, starting with Psalms from the start. Though i doubt it'll make much of a difference.

Thank you..

God bless

 

[indonesianpalmtree]

This morning in church had a miraculous experience.. I'm still quite sad and depressed and even feel like i don't want to see the brighter side of things, but an outstretched Hand of hope elated some of my grief ("my grief", oh boy that sounds pathetic!).

1 Peter 5:6-11

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you[!]. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

That really encouraged me and showed me that God speaks directly to the heart, the mind and the soul. Be strong. Be VIGILANT! Do as much as I can and leave the rest to Him. To paraphrase the preacher this morning, to work all day and entrust my effort in His safe company.

This fight is hard, it is painful and will last for many months or years even, but think of the fraction a lifetime of pain represents in eternity!

God bless any readers and thank you.

 

[Anti Existance]

Well stop trying to give up on someone you love. Honestly if you love her that much then stay with her, love is more important then school.

 

[indonesianpalmtree]

Well stop trying to give up on someone you love. Honestly if you love her that much then stay with her, love is more important then school.

Simply because i've realised what you say six months ago and indeed tried to make it work again. We eventually broke up again even though we still love eachother. The distance, though not important, doesn't only come from my side. She goes to university next year as well. I'm pretty sure she loves me just as much. Why shouldn't she sacrifice her career for me then? I won't ask her to do that and neither will she allow me to sacrifice mine.

I believe that i'm at college in service of God, isn't that a greater love?