Sliding

[lilac rain]

Recently I have been sliding .... not keeping up with things at home, wanting to isolate.

A long time ago I was diagnosed with a mental illness after experiencing a very stressful time. To be honest I think most people might have crashed - there were about five major stressors all at once. The trouble is that since then I've never really got back on my feet. I think I was overprescribed medication for a long period of time, which has now been substantially reduced but still I experience lack of motivation and emotional numbness.

Anyway, fast forward to the present. I was just stepping out to take on a new work opportunity but the thing is, I have to put in some effort to do this even though its just a few hours because it involves travelling out of town for quite a distance and it looks like they want me to commit to more hours when I can. Everyone at church knows that I have been stepping out and its now become a big thing.

But, the trouble is that I am sensing that my judgement can be a little off at times - I have read that the meds I take can affect this but it could also have been due to being unwell. So already because everyone knows, and I am sensing this, already I am starting to want to pull out.

On top of this I've had physical health issues, which I never used to have before taking the meds, but which also could be due to anxiety - in particular of IBS - and also memory issues.

I would talk to someone at church about this but I'm afraid that once I tell one person it will become known to everyone. I have experienced telling one person something before which then became known to a group of people.

So, I have been wanting to withdraw, and thinking that I just don't want to be at church at the moment.

There are a couple of other issues as well contributing to this, but the main one is above - to be honest in some ways I would be content just not trying to work while i take these meds, but I believe that the bible says we are to work with our hands so I felt I had to try.

 

[HoleyHermit]

If your health permits you to do the job and the job isn't evil, I don't think you should let yourself worry about what they are thinking about it. They may very well not even be thinking much about it at all. You've told everybody here and we're not thinking ill of you.

 

[lilac rain]

If your health permits you to do the job and the job isn't evil, I don't think you should let yourself worry about what they are thinking about it. They may very well not even be thinking much about it at all. You've told everybody here and we're not thinking ill of you.

Thanks HoleyHermit, however I'm not sure I've explained myself well enough. I just want out - either out of church because of potentially being judged if it doesn't work out, or out of the work commitment incase the health issues I have get in the way of me being able to do the work - or out of both situations even though I know it may be really difficult if I do that. I'm struggling to think clearly through the consequences of what I am doing lately.

Added to this, I have just done a cognitive test online because I had a feeling that cognitively things might have slipped and according to the test I am quite below average (this is from used to having had a high iq).