Sleeping in separate rooms

[Snugglebug]

Hello everyone, I am new here. My husband and I have been married for 8 years now and only recently we entertain the idea of sleeping in separate rooms because:

1. I'm a light sleeper, he moves a lot during sleep. His arm accidentally flung to my face once and woke me up startled and I haven't been able to sleep facing him since, for fear this would happen again.
2. Light sounds often wake me up too.
3. He likes to fall asleep snuggling and I can't sleep until I'm completely free.
4. We disagree on room temperatures quite often.
5. I'm a night owl and he likes to sleep earlier.

Lately we fought more frequently for a few reasons and he went sleeping in another room and we both discovered that we sleep a lot better because of it. Now he's seriously considering of making this a permanent thing even when we're not fighting while I only want this to be temporary, mini breaks for when we feel we need a few nights of good sleep. I feel like making this permanent will drift us apart while he thinks it may even improve our marriage because he misses me when he sleeps in the other room. Any thoughts? Much appreciated.

 

[Dave L]

Hello everyone, I am new here. My husband and I have been married for 8 years now and only recently we entertain the idea of sleeping in separate rooms because:

1. I'm a light sleeper, he moves a lot during sleep. His arm accidentally flung to my face once and woke me up startled and I haven't been able to sleep facing him since, for fear this would happen again.
2. Light sounds often wake me up too.
3. He likes to fall asleep snuggling and I can't sleep until I'm completely free.
4. We disagree on room temperatures quite often.
5. I'm a night owl and he likes to sleep earlier.

Lately we fought more frequently for a few reasons and he went sleeping in another room and we both discovered that we sleep a lot better because of it. Now he's seriously considering of making this a permanent thing even when we're not fighting while I only want this to be temporary, mini breaks for when we feel we need a few nights of good sleep. I feel like making this permanent will drift us apart while he thinks it may even improve our marriage because he misses me when he sleeps in the other room. Any thoughts? Much appreciated.

I don't sleep with my wife. I sleep around her. Maybe you have a good idea....

 

[dysert]

I have good friends (who have been married for decades), and they sleep in separate rooms. She has sleep apnea, and the sound of her CPAP machine keeps him awake. They decided long ago that sleeping in separate rooms would be an acceptable solution. They have a great marriage (better than mine :-()

 

[sfs]

I don't think there's any reason that sleeping in separate rooms should cause you to drift apart.

 

[Snugglebug]

I don't sleep with my wife. I sleep around her. Maybe you have a good idea....

Hi Dave, how do you mean you sleep around your wife?

 

[Hazelelponi]

My situation is different to your own, but perhaps some of what my husband and I do will be helpful.

When my husband and I were first married we lived in a 1 room apartment (literally). So the bedroom was the living room was the kitchen.. lol.

Now, I am a light sleeper who is early to bed and early to rise but I am disabled, and I also have ptsd..

My husband is a nightowl, up all night sleep all day, but he sleeps soundly when he sleeps..

My being a light sleeper with ptsd causes me to wake up multiple times a night, but in our one room apartment I found such peace and comfort seeing him whenever I woke up. I felt safe with him there, such that not seeing him when I woke up left me crying and scared.

With him watching television or otherwise making noise made it difficult for me to go to sleep, so i bought some disposable ear plugs which I found helpful, as well as a sleep mask later for blocking out light.

So that he doesn't hurt me in the night we have a California king size bed. We could fit an army into bed with us, and I often have pillows propping me that are between us.. although I take them down for when we'd like to br closer.

We tried having the traditional set up once, where we had a bedroom separate from the living room and I felt I was in a dungeon without him.. so our huge bed is in the middle of the living room.. i don't care, this works for us. Company can deal or not visit.. lol

Here's the thing.. a very large bed can alleviate some of the issues of him hurting you at night just as it does me. Ear plugs and a sleep mask can be helpful to you falling asleep with noise about.

You don't have to have different rooms, you can figure it out how to make it work in the same room..

However, in the end you two have to do whatever works for you.. just like me having a humongous bed in the middle of my living room, the rest of the world can just deal - you all have to figure out what works best for you both. It's your life.

If your disliking completely separate rooms, see if some of my fixes will help you two.

 

[Dave L]

Hi Dave, how do you mean you sleep around your wife?

She moves and I react. Sometimes she's too close, or we breathe each other's air. So I always react and move accordingly. But it's precious having her there.

 

[EastCoastRemnant]

My wife hasn't been able to sleep in a bed for over 10 years now (lift chair and/or couch) so this has been our reality for a while now. It works out for us and there hasn't been, imo, any detrimental effect. I work shift work and sleep at odd times anyway so having my own room has been beneficial in that regards. Sleeping separately doesn't mean lack of intimacy... it may not be a spontaneous as it was (it's been 28 years after all) but we still manage to git 'r dun....

 

[Snugglebug]

I have good friends (who have been married for decades), and they sleep in separate rooms. She has sleep apnea, and the sound of her CPAP machine keeps him awake. They decided long ago that sleeping in separate rooms would be an acceptable solution. They have a great marriage (better than mine :-()

That's reassuring, because when he said he's considering to make it permanent, it felt like he was breaking up with me I hope you find a way to make your marriage as great as that of your friends' ❤

 

[Snugglebug]

My situation is different to your own, but perhaps some of what my husband and I do will be helpful.

When my husband and I were first married we lived in a 1 room apartment (literally). So the bedroom was the living room was the kitchen.. lol.

Now, I am a light sleeper who is early to bed and early to rise but I am disabled, and I also have ptsd..

My husband is a nightowl, up all night sleep all day, but he sleeps soundly when he sleeps..

My being a light sleeper with ptsd causes me to wake up multiple times a night, but in our one room apartment I found such peace and comfort seeing him whenever I woke up. I felt safe with him there, such that not seeing him when I woke up left me crying and scared.

With him watching television or otherwise making noise made it difficult for me to go to sleep, so i bought some disposable ear plugs which I found helpful, as well as a sleep mask later for blocking out light.

So that he doesn't hurt me in the night we have a California king size bed. We could fit an army into bed with us, and I often have pillows propping me that are between us.. although I take them down for when we'd like to br closer.

We tried having the traditional set up once, where we had a bedroom separate from the living room and I felt I was in a dungeon without him.. so our huge bed is in the middle of the living room.. i don't care, this works for us. Company can deal or not visit.. lol

Here's the thing.. a very large bed can alleviate some of the issues of him hurting you at night just as it does me. Ear plugs and a sleep mask can be helpful to you falling asleep with noise about.

You don't have to have different rooms, you can figure it out how to make it work in the same room..

However, in the end you two have to do whatever works for you.. just like me having a humongous bed in the middle of my living room, the rest of the world can just deal - you all have to figure out what works best for you both. It's your life.

If your disliking completely separate rooms, see if some of my fixes will help you two.

The thing is, our bed is already 80 x 80 which is king size, and he still manages to accidentally kick or slap me, lol. We use 2 blankets to solve blanket hogging problem, and yes I recently resorted to earplugs which has helped a lot, I just have reservations about the side effects of long term use of them. But if noise was the only problem, I'd gladly use them anyway.

He's just getting too comfortable in the other room because he doesn't need to worry about waking me up and put up with my being a clean freak too :-(

But you are right, we will try harder to see what else might work because we actually treasure the cuddles, kisses good night, and he always asks me to stroke his back which works like a charm, he falls asleep in seconds while I toss and turn a bit before I can sleep, lol.

Thank you for sharing your input and I wish for great improvement on your PTSD.

 

[Snugglebug]

My wife hasn't been able to sleep in a bed for over 10 years now (lift chair and/or couch) so this has been our reality for a while now. It works out for us and there hasn't been, imo, any detrimental effect. I work shift work and sleep at odd times anyway so having my own room has been beneficial in that regards. Sleeping separately doesn't mean lack of intimacy... it may not be a spontaneous as it was (it's been 28 years after all) but we still manage to git 'r dun....

It's nice to hear from couples who have done it far longer than we have. Thanks.

 

[Snugglebug]

She moves and I react. Sometimes she's too close, or we breathe each other's air. So I always react and move accordingly. But it's precious having her there.

I know first thing about breathing each other's exhales I've been sleeping around my husband then, moving his leg, arm away because they're taking up my already tiny space because he likes to sleep close and gradually move even closer as he sleeps, with so much free space on his side. I told myself I should see that as a blessing but with constant lack of sleep, waking up with body aches we're finally looking into other ways to improve.

 

[mkgal1]

I feel like making this permanent will drift us apart while he thinks it may even improve our marriage because he misses me when he sleeps in the other room. Any thoughts?

There have been polls, studies, and articles that have shown this is true (that it can improve the marriage). Two people getting better sleep is one reason. Here is one article (but I'm sure there're lots more ):

GlobalNews:

According to a study out of Ryerson University’s Sleep and Depression Laboratory in Toronto, 30 to 40 per cent of Canadian couples sleep in different beds. Add to that a poll conducted by the U.S. National Sleep Foundation that found nearly one in four couples sleeps in separate beds or rooms, and the fact that there’s been a rise in the request for double master bedroom homes, and it all points to a trend for separate sleeping quarters.​

It’s referred to as sleep divorce, but its effects could have the exact opposite on your marriage.

“There’s nothing wrong with sleeping apart, especially if one partner snores or tosses and turns a lot and prevents the other from getting a good night’s sleep,” says Betty Stockley, a Toronto-based registered psychotherapist. “In cases like this, it’s actually better to sleep apart.”

When you consider that sleep deprivation has been linked to a host of negative health outcomes, including mood changes and low sex drive, it’s pretty clear that a good night’s sleep — regardless of how it’s achieved — will benefit your relationship with your partner.

In fact, one UC Berkeley study concluded that sleep deprivation could impact gratitude and leave couples “too tired to say thanks.”

“Poor sleep may make us more selfish as we prioritize our own needs over our partner’s,” study author and psychologist Amie Gordon said in a statement. “You may have slept like a baby, but if your partner didn’t, you’ll probably both end up grouchy.”

And although many couples will say that they sleep better when they share a bed, research has shown that that isn’t necessarily true.

“People will say they sleep better [together], but when we actually monitor their brains, we see that their brain is not getting into deeper stages of sleep because they’re continuously being woken up by movement or sound,” Colleen Carney, director of the Ryerson sleep laboratory, said to CBC. “It creates a lot of problems.”​

https://globalnews.ca/news/4039314/sleeping-apart-good-for-marriage/​

He's just getting too comfortable in the other room because he doesn't need to worry about waking me up and put up with my being a clean freak too :-(

....and having his own space is also healthy and seems like it should help improve things as well.

 

[Snugglebug]

There have been polls, studies, and articles that have shown this is true (that it can improve the marriage). Two people getting better sleep is one reason. Here is one article (but I'm sure there're lots more ):

GlobalNews:

According to a study out of Ryerson University’s Sleep and Depression Laboratory in Toronto, 30 to 40 per cent of Canadian couples sleep in different beds. Add to that a poll conducted by the U.S. National Sleep Foundation that found nearly one in four couples sleeps in separate beds or rooms, and the fact that there’s been a rise in the request for double master bedroom homes, and it all points to a trend for separate sleeping quarters.​

It’s referred to as sleep divorce, but its effects could have the exact opposite on your marriage.

“There’s nothing wrong with sleeping apart, especially if one partner snores or tosses and turns a lot and prevents the other from getting a good night’s sleep,” says Betty Stockley, a Toronto-based registered psychotherapist. “In cases like this, it’s actually better to sleep apart.”

When you consider that sleep deprivation has been linked to a host of negative health outcomes, including mood changes and low sex drive, it’s pretty clear that a good night’s sleep — regardless of how it’s achieved — will benefit your relationship with your partner.

In fact, one UC Berkeley study concluded that sleep deprivation could impact gratitude and leave couples “too tired to say thanks.”

“Poor sleep may make us more selfish as we prioritize our own needs over our partner’s,” study author and psychologist Amie Gordon said in a statement. “You may have slept like a baby, but if your partner didn’t, you’ll probably both end up grouchy.”

And although many couples will say that they sleep better when they share a bed, research has shown that that isn’t necessarily true.

“People will say they sleep better [together], but when we actually monitor their brains, we see that their brain is not getting into deeper stages of sleep because they’re continuously being woken up by movement or sound,” Colleen Carney, director of the Ryerson sleep laboratory, said to CBC. “It creates a lot of problems.”​

https://globalnews.ca/news/4039314/sleeping-apart-good-for-marriage/​

....and having his own space is also healthy and seems like it should help improve things as well.

Thank you for this information! I've been looking for references as well and have only found one article that also mentions the pros of sharing a bed, the rest seem to support the benefits of separate beds or rooms if it means improving marriage.

Now I realize having slept alone since I was 13 years old up until I got married at 34, then spending the next 8 years being pretty much sleep deprived is probably why I have grown more irritable and anxious.

I did notice I no longer wake up with headache and body aches while we are sleeping in separate rooms. My sleep has been deep and restful. My mood is better but I've also recently started taking some anti-depressant so I have yet to conclude which one helps me more.

Will definitely discuss further with my husband And since this is a Christian forum I can safely assume that sleeping in separate rooms is perfectly acceptable for Christian couples, isn't it? We just want to make sure we are not doing what we shouldn't be doing in a Christian marriage.

Thanks again