Married Couples Sleeping in Separate Beds in the Bible?

[Jvn]

If a married woman chooses to sleep in a separate bedroom because she doesn't want to have sex with her husband or to feel pressured to, is that a sin? Does sex have to be part of a marriage?

 

[Maccie]

If that happens, and for the reasons you state, then the couple should seek counselling, or discuss their problems with a qualified adviser. The idea of sin really doesn't come into it.

If, on the other hand, they prefer separate rooms because of SNORING...........

 

[hugnluvable]

I dont think it's a sin... but it could very well lead to something worse and quite hurtful.

Rather than taking it as a sin and that it shouldnt be happening etc, think why exactly God made marriage... because man and woman love each other, sex being a physical factor and sign of that love and commitment. I think you really need to think carefully about your relationship with each other. Its not a sin though, but something that can hurt each other in a deeper way than just having seperate rooms

Love, hugs and prayers
Erica
xxx

 

[£amb]

The Bible tells us that a couple is to abstain only when it is a mutual decision. 1 Corinthians 7:5 tells us, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." So, mutual consent is the "rule" for sexual relations in marriage. A couple must come to an agreement as to how often they have sex.

Sex should not be withheld or demanded. If one person does not want to have sex, the spouse should agree to abstain. If one person wants to have sex, the spouse should agree. Obviously, this must be within reason. And even in the sexual aspect of their relationship, they are not to consider their bodies as their own but as belonging to their partner (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Nor are they to focus on their own pleasure but rather the giving of pleasure to their spouse. If one person desires sex every day, and their spouse once a week or less - they will have to agree to a compromise.

 

[Jvn]

What if the spouse that doesn't want to have sex, literally can't? It is painful, upsetting and not pleasurable. Does this person have to just deal with the pain and discomfort of the whole experience? By sleeping in separate bedrooms to avoid this conflict more often, is that okay?

 

[Maccie]

In that case Jvn, professional help is called for, both medical and psychological. There is help available for both parties. No blame can, or should be attached to anyone.

In my opinion, this is not a biblical or scriptural problem.

 

[Chajara]

What if the spouse that doesn't want to have sex, literally can't? It is painful, upsetting and not pleasurable. Does this person have to just deal with the pain and discomfort of the whole experience? By sleeping in separate bedrooms to avoid this conflict more often, is that okay?

Indeed, medical help should be obtained. However, I don't really think it's necessary to sleep separate. I mean.... if my partner stopped sleeping next to me each night, I'd be pretty hurt. To me it wouldn't necessarily be a complaint about sex, it'd be more like "Don't you want to be close to me anymore?"

But then, I know from experience that sleeping curled up in the arms of someone you love and who makes you feel safe and protected and wanted is one of the greatest experiences on earth.

 

[BarbB]

My sis-in-law and brother have this problem because of surgeries she has had. Instead, they try to work it out (don't ask me how - I don't ask! ) And they still sleep in the same double bed!

Now as for snoring, yes, separate rooms are required for sleeping!

 

[TheDag]

If somone doesn't want to have sex then it depends on the reason as to what the action should be taken. If because it is painful then as suggested then seek medical help. If because it is not pleasurable then it could be a medical problem or it could be that one person doesn't know how to please the other or doesn't see it as something they need to worry about. The couple may need to talk about what would make it pleasurable. When people start talking about 1 corinthians 7 and saying someone is wrong for abstaining then I tend to assume that they are not considering their partners needs or that there is some other problem in the relationship. I know that is a generalisation and not always true tho.

 

[Jvn]

It is both. Sex is just not an important part of this couple's life- Maybe 5-10 times a year. So, sleeping in a separate room certainly won't be avoiding much.

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

Being married and avoiding each other is oxymoronic. Unless they are very old or phsically incapable, why is sex so rare for this couple?

Also, snoring is tolerable and/or treatable. It doesn't always require seperate bedrooms.

 

[nephilimiyr]

If she's doing that just because she doesn't want to have sex and that in turn causes her husband to sin then yes I think God sees her commiting sin.

 

[JimfromOhio]

It's important that our sexual activities benefit our sense of intimacy and oneness as a couple. It's also important for a couple to have regular intercourse, if they are able to. While the Bible does not speak to this, science has shown that all sex is not alike, and intercourse has effects on our bodies, minds, and emotions (and we believe our spirits) that no other sex act can match. So, we see no reason to limit sex or climax to intercourse, but a couple who frequently avoids either intercourse and climax during intercourse is cheating themselves out of something God intended them to have. Sexuality is God-given and it is to be enjoyed and used fully as part of a loving relationship - an expression of the love, care and oneness of the couple. Couples must communicate and talk about their innermost fears (and likes & dislikes). Each partner can expect regular sexual activity, as a God-given right. Sexual activity must be mutually agreed upon beforehand with a good heart. A good marital relationship is based upon pleasing each other, being sexuality sensitive and tuned-in to each other’s emotional – as well as – sexual needs.

As a husband, I follow 1st Peter 3:7. Know your wife. The success of your dwelling with your wife will be in direct proportion to your knowledge of her. Her deep fears and cares. Her disappointments as well as her expectations. Her scars and secrets and also her thoughts and dreams. The husband is exhorted to live with his wife "with understanding."

Now... if the husband finds out that his wife is not "in love" with him. This is an issue that they will need to go to marriage counseling. I truly do not believe in a TRUE marriage that a husband and wife live together like brothers & sisters. God wants husband and wife to become "ONE". Cleaving into one person. God sees a married couple "one spiritual being".

 

[Jvn]

She is simply not very attracted to her husband anymore and is actually in love with someone else secretly, but won't divorce so to not disappoint God, so ...

 

[Chajara]

She is simply not very attracted to her husband anymore and is actually in love with someone else secretly, but won't divorce so to not disappoint God, so ...

Are you sure on this? If that's true, then something needs to happen to change the situation. If her solution to not being in love with the man she married anymore is to avoid him while harboring feelings for someone else, then something is terribly wrong. Do you know why she has lost her feelings for her husband?

 

[Maccie]

This isn't a question about sleeping in separate rooms, is it? this is a marriage that has gone stale, and the wife wants out. You don't say how long the marriage has lasted, but I am willing to bet its not very long.

Marriage is not easy, and has to be worked at. I have been married for 44 years, and I can say that many times I wished I wasn't married. But I am, and the wife has to act loving, whatever she feels. Before I go any further, though, I must say that we are NOT, I repeat NOT talking of marriages where there is abuse, whether physical or mental. That is a different question altogether.

Act loving, and eventually, you may begin to feel loving. Or you may not. But the husband deserves your best. Whether or not he gives you his best is his problem, not yours. You give your best. You will have to answer to God for your behaviour, not his.

You don't say whether "secretly in love" means "love from afar" and the recipient doesn't know, or whether there is already an affair going on. If there is, then stop. Its as simple as that. If love is from afar, then fill your mind with something else.

And whatever is the reason, get counselling. Marriage guidance exists in the UK, I am sure it will exist in the USA. Find it, get it, either the wife alone or, preferably both together, and work at it.

Sleeping in separate rooms isn't going to solve any problems. they need to be faced up to.

 

[BarbB]

She is simply not very attracted to her husband anymore and is actually in love with someone else secretly, but won't divorce so to not disappoint God, so ...

Erm, and she doesn't think that God isn't disappointed with her behavior as it is. Loving someone is a choice! She can change the way she feels. I know, because I have done so! I made a decision to stay in a marriage that was iffy and love my husband and I fell in love with my husband all over again!

 

[billwald]

There are several ways to "have sex," some of which don't involve a vagina.

 

[Dmckay]

If a married woman chooses to sleep in a separate bedroom because she doesn't want to have sex with her husband or to feel pressured to, is that a sin? Does sex have to be part of a marriage?

First off, let me state that I am answering this merely on the basis of your question and the information contained therein. I have not read the other posts so it there is a duplication, please bare with me, I believe that you need to have as Biblical an answer to this question as possible.

First, you don't state your reasoning for not wanting to participate in sexual relations. I am assuming that this is a situation that has arisen since the marriage. I believe that it would be acceptable for a man and woman to have a marriage that is not focused upon the sexual relationship, provided this was a mutual decision made prior to the marriage, and the relationship is Christ based and driven. Having said that, I believe that when Paul talks about marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:7 "Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am However, each man has his own gift from G-d, one in this manner, and another in that." he is talking about the possibility of believers having a Spiritual gift of "Chastity", and that for a sexless, Christ-based marriage to function both parties would have to have this Spiritual gift.

Now after saying all that, I am pretty sure from the tenor of your question that this is not the situation that you find yourself asking about. Even though I believe that this could actually be a possibility, I don't thinkk that it is ever very likely. I suggest that if you read 1 Corinthians 7:1-35 several times, and in different translations, you will have your own answer to your question. Paul gives some pretty detailed and pointed instructions on marriage in these passages.

The first 5 verses really deal with the situation that you are asking about. Especially verse 5, "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." states that the only reason to deprive one another of sexual relations is if it is by consent of both parties for a specified amount of time, that you might devote yourself to prayer. He specifically states that at the end of this agreed upon time they are to come together again and have relations in order to not give ground to Satan for temptation of either party.

I am sure that this is not what you wanted to hear, and that there is much more to the situation that you don't feel comfortable sharing, even in the relative anonomity of this Forum situation. I know from many years of counseling experience that there are probably mitigating circumstances that make you feel that this may be the best, if not Biblical, option. I would suggest that you seek the counsel of your Pastor or another elder whom your feel that you can trust, to discuss this situation with. There may actually be more that can be done to assist you in this situation.

I feel that there is a heavy burden behind this, and I will make this a matter of prayer, that you would find the Lord's Will in and through this situation. I'm sorry that I couldn't offer you the justification that you may have been seeking based on the available information.

 

[Dmckay]

My sis-in-law and brother have this problem because of surgeries she has had. Instead, they try to work it out (don't ask me how - I don't ask! ) And they still sleep in the same double bed!

Now as for snoring, yes, separate rooms are required for sleeping!

If snoring is so bad that separate bedrooms are even considered there could be an underlying medical problem that can be severe enough to be life threatening. Much loud, room-shaking snoring is indicative of a condition known as sleep apnea. It can only be truely diagnosed with a medical sleep study. Sometimes, as we get older, we can temporarily forget or lose the breathing reflex during sleep. Other times, it can be caused by a softening of the muscle tissue of the throat causing a closing of the air passage way while sleeping. The struggle to draw a breath through this floppy tissue is what can cause the loud snoring.

I speak from experience. I had this problem, and would arise every morning with a headache and very tired all the time. After a sleep-study it was found that I have an obstructive-airway and a tendancy to forget to breath. I now sleep with a CPAP machine. No more snoring, no more headaches and I actually get a good night's sleep. As does my long-suffering wife.

Don't just send hubby or the wife off to another room for your comfort. You might find they don't make it throught the night sometime because of that answer.