I am only getting a one bedroom and would not have the room. Why you have an issue with me taking issue that she sleeps with other men when we are still married? I hope you don't think that is her right and privledge to.
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Sinning with impunity
- Thread starter lwg8tr
- Start date
I am only getting a one bedroom and would not have the room. Why you have an issue with me taking issue that she sleeps with other men when we are still married? I hope you don't think that is her right and privledge to.
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hijklmnop
Guest
No, no, not at all. It seemed to me from your post that you were only not wanting the kids sleeping over at your place to prevent her from being able to sleep with other men. Which would kinda be using the children to affect/control her...however if you don't have room, you don't have room. No worries!
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c1ners
Senior Contributor
I'm sorry that you are hurting, but it's not going to do you, your wife, or the children any good to say mean things to each other. The best solution would be to seperate ASAP before the both of you end up hating each other and destroying the lives of your children with your bitterness.
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Ughh she may be here through the holidays, this is like torture. I am at the point where I want to help her out the door. I want to move on and her jovial attitude kind of irritates me. I like the kids here but seeing her every day is not good for my healing process. My individual therapist told me it is important we have a separation ASAP, wife wants a divorce meaning she no longer wants to have a relationship with me, that means sharing her details of her day, her emotions, her thoughts, etc. She said your wife maybe kind of shocked that she is losing her best friend when she moves out and pursues the divorce. I was told keep the relationship "friendly" but please for your sanity do not try and be her friend. It would sabotage any attempt at you reconciling and showing you as a changed, strong, Christian man who is ready to tackle life with her as a wife or without her as a Mom to the kids. Will be tough when she does move out, restricting my contact and level of familiarity with her. But I know I have to do it, and wife has to understand that I am not there for her in that capacity anymore as confidant and best friend.
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Well we try and hide it from the kids. If you read my OP, she is dumping me after 18 years for the vague reasons of "Don't feel butterflies with you" and "I want a man in my life I can feel passion and lust for". Her words not mine. We are going to lose our house, I can see my kids twice a week, my financial life will be in a tailspin and eventually I will have to move from my family home as the house goes into foreclosure. Damn right I am bitter. This marriage thing unless for very specific reasons was not supposed to be conditional on the personal growth experiences of one of the spouses. Umm I did not instigate the divorce, I begged her to do counseling and all I got what stone cold, evil smiling and happiness that she was going to be free of marriage and the ability to start over at 40. That our marriage vows came with a condition, that her own personal happiness, trumps what this does to the kids, our families, and me. I know time will give me perspective on this, I may not hate her anymore if we cannot reconcile but I sure as heck will never respect her or take her word on anything. See my problem with a womans perspective on this, is they empathize and almost excuse wives like mine who leave their marriages like this. But if a man leaves for another woman well hes fair game, he is the worst pond scum. I contend in this case my wife has made the World her other man, and Jesus said lust in your heart is committing adultery. My wife acting on her sophomoric fantasies of endless sex and romance with some other man and is akin to adultery. My wife has made it clear this divorce is about the feelings of sexual desire and her need for passion of the Hollywood type. My kids at the appropriate age will be told Mom did was wrong, Mom did leave Dad because Mom is a selfish flake. They deserve the truth, that her model of commitment is not be emulated. Sorry but lying to kids about the nature of your relationship does them no good. I would say the same if I cheated on her, I would not want my wife to lie and say Mommy and Daddy are just not getting along.
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c1ners
Senior Contributor
I never said your wife is right in what she is doing. She is not. And I'm sorry if that's what you took from my post. I'm not on "her" side. Neither am I on "your" side. You are hurting and you have reason to hurt. But two wrongs do not make a right. Allowing such bitterness and anger into your hurt isn't go to do anything but you feel empty inside.
It seems to me that the more you rant and rave about her (and to her) being such a bad person the more she is determined to leave you and find someone who doesn't think she's such a bad person.
When a person has been put down day after day after day and told that they are not living up to someone else's standards, I don't blame them for wanting out. It appears to me that your wife will never be able to live up to your standards.
Sorry if I've made you mad. But your post about the children not spending the night so she can have a hump night sort of ticked me off. That was wrong.
It seems to me that the more you rant and rave about her (and to her) being such a bad person the more she is determined to leave you and find someone who doesn't think she's such a bad person.
When a person has been put down day after day after day and told that they are not living up to someone else's standards, I don't blame them for wanting out. It appears to me that your wife will never be able to live up to your standards.
Sorry if I've made you mad. But your post about the children not spending the night so she can have a hump night sort of ticked me off. That was wrong.
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Oh I am venting here, I never not once put her down, ever. That is my frustration, anger and bewilderment over this. There were no signs I could pickup on, that I could see it coming. I guess this is not an uncommon phenomena with wives today. So don't take my comments here is indicitve of what went on in our marriage.
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c1ners
Senior Contributor
Your constant negative comments on the female population leads me to believe differently. Sorry. Not to mention your temper tantrums and the vicious things you are saying about your wife. I can only believe the things that I read and the things that I am reading here from you are not very positive. 
I know that's not what you want to hear. You want everyone to come on and say "Poor you, what a bad bad wife". And I probably would have if you hadn't have said some of the things that you did.
I know that's not what you want to hear. You want everyone to come on and say "Poor you, what a bad bad wife". And I probably would have if you hadn't have said some of the things that you did.
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Your constant negative comments on the female population leads me to believe differently. Sorry. Not to mention your temper tantrums and the vicious things you are saying about your wife. I can only believe the things that I read and the things that I am reading here from you are not very positive.
Well your opinion and you are entitled to it.
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Maybe a breakthrough!
Just maybe. Got a call this AM from wife. She asked me if Family Counseling was covered under our healthplan. Easy enough question to answer. Well before I could get an answer out, wife broke down sobbing on the phone. "I dont know if I can do this, the kids already are choosing sides..". I said we would talk about when she got home. Maybe a crack in her veneer, the happy divorcing wife. I am not holding out hope, she could come home at 5pm more resolute. In fact I am expecting that, her to waffle back to that. But maybe the Holy Spirit found an opening in her heart or the reality of her fantasy divorce is crashing down before it starts. Pray for me guys.
Just maybe. Got a call this AM from wife. She asked me if Family Counseling was covered under our healthplan. Easy enough question to answer. Well before I could get an answer out, wife broke down sobbing on the phone. "I dont know if I can do this, the kids already are choosing sides..". I said we would talk about when she got home. Maybe a crack in her veneer, the happy divorcing wife. I am not holding out hope, she could come home at 5pm more resolute. In fact I am expecting that, her to waffle back to that. But maybe the Holy Spirit found an opening in her heart or the reality of her fantasy divorce is crashing down before it starts. Pray for me guys.
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hijklmnop
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Be strong but loving. Hopefully this is the start of something new. Definitely pursue counseling!
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Be strong but loving. Hopefully this is the start of something new. Definitely pursue counseling!
We had a talk she asked for, she maybe breaking out of the fog, I use a big maybe. She admits to being terribly selfish the last 6 weeks but...her plan was to stay in our home and live together till our youngest is 18..7 years and then go find her happiness. I told her that was a deal I could not accept, it was not workable and still not getting at the root of our problems. The kids NEED a loving Mom and Dad as examples not two miserable lumps in the home, moping around , resenting one another living celibate lives. Her plan as I thought was worse than str8 up leaving. I pressed hard for her to stay and we work on the marriage, that right now she cannot see her feelings changing but form the ash heap we can rebuild it into a wonderful relationship. Then I thought...Back off, back off, your pushing. Well she said she could not trust and open her heart again. I said well love is a decision and her plan to run away with the kids and leave a trail of wreckage is certainly not a way to fill a hole in her spirit, filling holes with sin umm is never a good idea. She left it that she would have to think on it and get back to me. I dropped it. Well I know she is struggling, I did catch her looking at RE listings last night, so I think she is still being tempted to do the wrong thing and cant let it go, her fantasy of pseudo freedom.
Either that or as my bud said(He is convinced of adultery). She was\is maybe got mixed signals form the guy she has in infatuated with about her post divorce relationship. Maybe sex with a married women is fun, exciting, erotic. But sex with a clingy , single divorced Mom maybe is not what he signed up for. That now sex will come with promises of commitment and marriage on her end.
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dayhiker
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lwg8tr,
Sorry for what your going thru. I said a prayer. Ya, I don't think you know her whole story yet. If she comes back ... It might be good for you to know ahead of time how much you want her to tell you. Be prepared in your heart to forgive what ever her issues have truly been. I'm not much on penitence. but it might be good to view what every counseling you go there to deal with this explosion in your relationship as something your doing together. Ie not something she is doing to get right with you. The self-righteous attitude wouldn't help her see you as being graceful in accepting her back.
But it sounds like your figuring out what you need to do each step of the way.
Oh, I liked that you vented and ranted here rather than at home.
Sorry for what your going thru. I said a prayer. Ya, I don't think you know her whole story yet. If she comes back ... It might be good for you to know ahead of time how much you want her to tell you. Be prepared in your heart to forgive what ever her issues have truly been. I'm not much on penitence. but it might be good to view what every counseling you go there to deal with this explosion in your relationship as something your doing together. Ie not something she is doing to get right with you. The self-righteous attitude wouldn't help her see you as being graceful in accepting her back.
But it sounds like your figuring out what you need to do each step of the way.
Oh, I liked that you vented and ranted here rather than at home.
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ex-pat
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If she will agree to it, try Retrouvaille. Also, if she contributes that little to your household expenses, perhaps the bank that holds your mortgage will agree to a refinance or a debt restructuring so you can keep your home or at least keep your credit intact. Don't throw away your good credit, as everything from inexpensive auto insurance to apartments is dependent on good credit.
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Conservativation
Well-Known Member
Yes true, he likes it for awhile because its the hotness of the new, lasts a few weeks for him, her feelings get involved just as his lust wanes, and here you get the gone wobbly effect.
What a mess. There is a ton of truth in your venting, its sad men have to go through this kind of thing to actually realize the things you are saying
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