Sinning with impunity

[lwg8tr]

As what happens in 85% of divorces my pending divorce was instigated by my wife. The night of my wife's 40th birthday she turned to me in bed and said "She loved me but was not in love with me" and "She could not foresee a future with me." I was shocked and devastated and this was 5 weeks ago. Since then she has refused to go to counseling and wants a quick and easy divorce. Her reasons were she had no chemistry with me from the beginning, she felt empty inside and I could be moody and difficult at times. She said she had thought about divorce the last 5 years many times but lost her nerve. She felt she had to find herself now, be her own woman, she did not want to feel empty anymore and wanted a man in her life to quote her, "Give her butterflies and passion" and she "Wanted and needed more than to be married to her best friend". Well as a devoted husband of 18 years I was puzzled and confused by her reasons we have two beautiful children and the wife I always knew would try and work things out for the kids. Never in the 18 years had she indicated or articulated she was this profoundly unhappy to me.

So naturally I thought there was another man involved, why the 180 in personality and attitude. Well I did everything to uncover an affair and after an exhaustive investigation including, bugging her truck with a voice recorder, reading her texts, following her, checking our phone bill and snooping on her computer, nothing. So I ruled out adultery. It's been hell on earth for me the last 5 weeks, I feel like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point. Suffering severe mood swings and depression. Which I heard is a normal reaction in this case. She on the other hand is light, airy, happy and excited about her new future. We had a lot of frank discussions, mostly me groveling and begging her not to do this to the kids and us. I even maybe in a fit of anger told her, the divorce she is seeking is a sin, G*d does not allow you to throw away marriage for personal growth reasons. She said she did not care, that the Bible is rules made up by men(Huh) and you could read anything into any passage you want. I said well so you are going to get divorced to me, date when we are separated, have sex with these men if you choose ,and then remarry when you can. She said well none of your business what I do, but probably yes. "So you will sin with impunity" I asked her. She sat back, a weird countenance came over her and she said.."Well the way you phrase it YES, God would want me to be happy

I went to see my Pastor gave him the tearful blow by blow. I asked him that my wife will have my children with primary custody and I worry my wife's decisions will not only have earthly consequences but heavenly ones also. He made a statement that kind of chilled me. He said, well someone like your wife who is in rebellion and actively sins will not receive G*d's blessings of a Godly fulfilling marriage or the peace and fulfillment she is craving. Unless she repents of her sin, and accepts Jesus as her Lord and Savior. I don’t relish this, I want my dear wife to be happy, preferable with me. I want to reconcile and I think we could if given a chance, but the world and Satan have gotten a hold of her and there is no reaching her. When I did not agree to the divorce, she became furious. I told her I will not take a bite of the apple as Adam did and be in on your Sin. So in my state she has to wait 2 years after filing before she can go back to court and get a unilateral divorce. My heart is so broken, I can't believe my darling wife has turned into this wicked, selfish creature hellbent on a life of, from her own mouth, fornicating with men she chooses and reliving her 20's.

I am trying to work through this and grow closing to Abba the Father and also praying my wife turns from this wickedness and the Holy Spirit help her heart to soften. Her family is agreeing with the divorce and even my children thinks it’s exciting that they can move out with Mom and Dad can come by just to do fun things with them. Satan is running rampant in my family. I am moving out next week and she is moving out of our home next cpl of months. We will go into foreclosure and my financial life temporarily will be ruined. I had a life full of laughing children and what appeared to be a devoted and happy wife. I don’t know if I can do marriage again I was blindsided. I would like to have a life with a Godly woman, I have so much love to give but right now I can’t see it.

 

[If Not For Grace]

She did not come to these conclusions overnight. Perhaps there have been signs
you have not seen. Give her space, Give her time to realize this life of "butterfiles"
may not be realistic. If you are willing to wait she may change her tune when she
gets out in the "real" world.

This however does not mean you should sit by in a suspended form of life. Press on
and continue your life. You must prepare for the fact she may not change her mind.
Apparently you have some financial concerns that must be addressed. You can still
be a great Dad and a Godly man. Perhaps looking at this is a growth opportunity
could put things in a more positive light.

If she comes back, will you be able to forgive and trust her? Would you want to force her to stay if she does not want to be there? You have been wounded and need time
to heal. You can not be married by yourself and staying "together" for the kids, is not likley to be doing them any favors. Perhaps you may just be a bit fearful about the changes coming your way-its hard to just change your whole lifestyle in an instant, but it can be rewarding as well. Remember you deserve to have better than
someone who just puts up with you because she bore you children some years ago.

Prayers-dealing with rejection is never easy, feeliing angry is normal, so is feeling sad. Had she died you would have been given a chance to grieve your loss by society, unfortunately divorce is not seen in the same light, but you have the same emotions-it's a loss, take time to properly mourn, but remember you are not dead and that life goes on. This pain is temporary. I hope it works out the way you desire, but I STONGLY suggest you seek LEGAL counsel in case it does not.

 

[Conservativation]

Stinks, and very common.
Id not rule out the involvement of another person. This is key, it could well not be an affair, it may not even be a man, and can be platonic, but its been studied and shown that its rare that a wife under these circumstances does this without some other person sort of backing them....maybe its a friend, a sister, but believe me there is a human out there somewhere telling her what she wants to hear, playing to the desires she thinks she has for those feelings that are flat out not going to last in ANY relationship and its silly and immature to even expect that.

Im not with the giver her space crowd, also though Im not for begging and all that or trying for the likely umpteenth time to change yourself to be the man she wants. You will not be that until her expectations are changed, only God can reveal that to her, and He is likely being blocked by some one else.

Are there any friends of hers recently divorced? could she have a male friend that she wants to talk to and be "friends" with but she is wise enough to truly not do anything out of the ordinary until she gets rid of you? there is confidence coming from an external source my friend.

You need to get with a lawyer, yesterday, and you need to write up a divorce filing, and have the trigger, hammer back, ready to call it in. You need to have a rough idea how it may go down, and do not DO NOT believe her when she says she wants a simple fair equitable split for fast and easy convenience. It will not go that way. And do not think if you say oh honey I want you happy you g'head and I will give you everything EVERYTHING and make sure you are kept and all that that it will win you favor....it wont.

Take charge of the situation. You will thank me for that advice 2 years from now no matter if you end up reconciled or divorced. I can tell you more if you want to PM me.

 

[Bazman1]

I am really sorry for you. I have been there worn the T-shirt my wife left me 3 and half months ago but we have kept our relationship friendly even though my wife left and now is with someone else. He was a friend from work apparently and now they are well together it is incredibly hard when I drop and pick the children up and he is there but you have to stay civil for the children. She said similar things like your wife although she did love me in the good old days but now sees me as just a friend.

I know it hurts but accusing her or making her feel guilty is not likely to win her back probably make her think those negative thoughts she has of you will just be reinforced. I know it is horrible to think that but in front of her you must stay friendly even though it is killing you inside.

Prayer is the only other thing I can suggest believe you me I have done that and although the Lord doesn't always answer in the way you think he has promised to always be there. Also be real with the Lord I have screamed and shouted at him and it has enabled me to get a lot of things off my chest. I know some Christians would have a real raised eyebrow at me for some of the things I have said to the Lord but I think they need to look at the Psalms to see how David shouted and was upset with things going on.

I am thinking of you at this time mate. See a councellor I am glad that you have spoken to your minister mine got me someone I can talk to and it has really helped. You need people around you at this moment find people you can trust to help you with this.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the man behind the username lwg8tr. I pray you can help him deal with his loss. Let him know your love at this time. I pray that he will reconcile with his wife but Lord whatever your will for him and his family please help him to that point.

In Jesu's name amen.

 

[lwg8tr]

She did not come to these conclusions overnight. Perhaps there have been signs
you have not seen. Give her space, Give her time to realize this life of "butterfiles"
may not be realistic. If you are willing to wait she may change her tune when she
gets out in the "real" world.

This however does not mean you should sit by in a suspended form of life. Press on
and continue your life. You must prepare for the fact she may not change her mind.
Apparently you have some financial concerns that must be addressed. You can still
be a great Dad and a Godly man. Perhaps looking at this is a growth opportunity
could put things in a more positive light.

If she comes back, will you be able to forgive and trust her? Would you want to force her to stay if she does not want to be there? You have been wounded and need time
to heal. You can not be married by yourself and staying "together" for the kids, is not likley to be doing them any favors. Perhaps you may just be a bit fearful about the changes coming your way-its hard to just change your whole lifestyle in an instant, but it can be rewarding as well. Remember you deserve to have better than
someone who just puts up with you because she bore you children some years ago.

Prayers-dealing with rejection is never easy, feeliing angry is normal, so is feeling sad. Had she died you would have been given a chance to grieve your loss by society, unfortunately divorce is not seen in the same light, but you have the same emotions-it's a loss, take time to properly mourn, but remember you are not dead and that life goes on. This pain is temporary. I hope it works out the way you desire, but I STONGLY suggest you seek LEGAL counsel in case it does not.

No she said it did not come overnight, she said it was a slow dying. She said it took years. The crying in her car, in the shower, her staying manically busy to not think about it. She said sex was terrible, it was hard for her to do it, she felt alone. There is a great book out there Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley. The basics are love is multi faceted and has breadth and depth way beyond feelings of romantic love or lust. My wife chose to be unhappy and hide it, she chose to let her feelings die, she chose to break up our family, she chose to not have an open mind about Christian counseling, she chose to let her emotions steam roll her and permeate every fiber of her being, she chose to focus on the negative and what she did not have, she chose to fantasize about other men and scenarios with them, she chose to let the marriage become so hopeless unilaterally broken that I could not have any chance to rekindle or preserve it.

I understand your post I really do, but this is pattern today with women in love with the world. They expect the rush of happy romantic love all their days in a marriage. They expect their husbands to be supermen, stay fit and sexy, make a good living, provide them with copious material goods, be a fantastic lover in the bedroom, co-parent, allow their women have the freedom to act like single women in regards to separate friends and lives and throw in being mind readers. When they don’t have that alchemy , well you have my wife. I was a good husband, I listened to her, was interested in what she had to say, valued her opinion and counsel, I was kind, considerate, generous and was a great involved Dad. Was I perfect no way. I own my end of the problem here. But I did not quit, I did not bail, I did not destroy what we had built. I would never do to her what she has done to me, destroy me like this and our kids. Sorry I don’t buy it, she is selfish and evil right now. I give her no quarter, based on her proclamations she was so miserable all these years. Sounded like revisionist history to maybe justify some very recent midlife crisis feelings of dissatisfaction.

I agree life will slap her in the face when she is out on her own, her having to shovel her own snow, work 40 hours, come home, feed the kids, pay bills, shop for food, clean the house, do laundry, worry about car repairs and how to pay for them, shop for clothes on a shoestring budget, goto Walmart, entertain the kids with activities, drive kids to sports and back, and……….her have her karate and vibrant social life with lots of dating and casual sex on the nights I have the kids. Like June Cleaver meets Sex in the City. I think she is very cavalier about it, thinks it will be great being alone, free like being 21 again with kids and the freedom to be a single girl and not have to share the TV clicker or pickup wet towels off her bathroom floor. I think she may just be able to pull it off for a year or two. But that freedom will erode into disillusionment and fear as the dating pool for a 40 year old with two kids and no money well let’s just say you have two kinds of guys , skirt chasers who want one thing off single mommies or other damaged husbands with Child Support and Alimony out to some other wife , a wife that for reason or another got sick of them. Sounds like a grim prognosis. But hey she chose it, maybe she can be the 1 in 100000 making 22k a year with no degree and two kids to have a fabulously rich life. I’d like to take notes and write a book about it, cause I am sure the 100,000’s of wives who fed this load of horse puckey to their husbands that they needed freedom and now are miserable would love to see how my wife did it. Attained nirvana.

If I sound bitter I am. She was shopping for a place to live today, she is looking at 2 bedroom places here in town because it is all she can afford. She is going to put a 16 year old girl and an 11 year old boy in the same dinky room. This is a plausible scenario for her. I mean if I was a wife beater, or abusive I could understand fleeing like that but she is so anxious to leave and get started ,… well I can’t understand. Look the reason I opposed the divorce was twofold, I wanted to buy a couple years for reconciliation and some water to go under the bridge and make improvements in myself that she could notice were permanent changes, be kind to the kids and her and well try and win her back, the other was well str8 it was wrong, sinful and I will have no part in it. Her next marriage will be adultery and she can expect more of the same disillusionment and disappointment. Because all men after a couple of years, slap on a few pounds, stop from being romantic 24/7 and to wanting a good night home being a Sci-Fi movie and then 20 minutes of sex. We just plain get comfortable and yes take you guys for granted if left unchecked. How many times have Walk Away Wives said. He was not the man I married. That’s right, the real guy you married is right there watching football, with potato chips on his shirt, giving you that goofy smile. I am giving myself 2 years to see if there is any chance of reconciliation. Knowing my wife’s makeup , I say my chances are about 1-3%, she is very stubborn and proud. She would be the type to marry some guy after a while to not to be alone and when she is sick of the bill collectors calling and the brakes squeaking on the truck. I mean what are some you women thinking is out there, what delusion are you living in. Do you want a good devoted man, a good provider, gentle lover your best friend or do you want a Hollywood movie where there is lots of hot steamy sex and nights of partying on white sand beaches

Wow this is cathartic! I am hurting terribly, the rejection, the bewildering lack of compassion and humanity in this, my life turned upside down. Seeing my kids 2-3 times a week. Does not seem fair does it. She wanted to walk, well hit the road Jack. Now I will lose my house, my credit, 1/2 of what I worked for, fulltime with my kids ..for what so my soon to Ex can be "Happy", some temporal emotion made up of three basic brain chemicals in the right combinations. True Joy comes form committment to the most High and commitment to your marriage and family. She made herself this terrible unhappy, in fact this applies to anyone, you OWN IT, no one else does. 18 years, we had a bond and a committtment, it was a marriage with lots of good memories and laughing. She debased it to like it was some sentence at a mental ward where everyday it was mental torture. Puleeeze.

 

[Bazman1]

Don't let it beat you. Seek someone out who you can trust to talk to. That is all we all want for you to find someone who can allow you to scream and shout. I really feel for you as I have been there still am. I wish I could say things will get better I wish I could say she will come back and with the Lord maybe she will maybe she won't. I am in the limbo stage as well and I am just living day by day wondering what next is going to be thrown at me.

I really feel for you mate hang on in there.

Of course you may not even want her back. What you are going through is Grief it is loss death of a marriage and all you want and need is the comfort that comes when people grieve.

I have found to my cost that there are people who will support you and there will be people who will reject you. It may surprise you on them both but this is when you find who your real friends are.

I don't know but I am hurting for you even though I don't know you. Just hang in there.

 

[lwg8tr]

Stinks, and very common.
Id not rule out the involvement of another person. This is key, it could well not be an affair, it may not even be a man, and can be platonic, but its been studied and shown that its rare that a wife under these circumstances does this without some other person sort of backing them....maybe its a friend, a sister, but believe me there is a human out there somewhere telling her what she wants to hear, playing to the desires she thinks she has for those feelings that are flat out not going to last in ANY relationship and its silly and immature to even expect that.

Are there any friends of hers recently divorced? could she have a male friend that she wants to talk to and be "friends" with but she is wise enough to truly not do anything out of the ordinary until she gets rid of you? there is confidence coming from an external source my friend.

To your first point, I always suspected some string pulling by others here. To your second I giggled, yes all her freinds are recently divorced a couple of them even had relationships started before the ink was dry on the divorce. She does have some male friends who even though she thinks she is too clever, are seducing her with all the faux concern. Us guys knows how this works, You goto a bar, look for the most depressed girl in the room and ask to her emote why they are sad..bingo you're in.

I have suspect adultery all the time here, even my Pastor said this maybe the case, she sounds like. All the typical symptoms and mouth bilge coming out from her. My personal asessment and if I ever prove it who knows, maybe an infatuation with someone, an emotional affair that maybe the two of them discussed and agreed they could go forward with the "True Love" relationship with me out of the picture. Women rarely leave these scenarios for such foggy reasons unless they had someone else holding open arms. So we have a half truth here I think, she was unhappy but we had someone else come in a fill the emotional breach and this is where I am at. I even had a phone consultation with Marriage Builders coach and he said that he has never heard of a more clear cut case of hanky panky. Oh well I may never know.

 

[Conservativation]

Agreed, its exactly that, there is a confidence booster of some sort, and hers sounds majorly like another man who as you say she may be just imagining what it WILL be like.

I wish you well, the adage, pray for best, prepare for worst is perfect

 

[Conservativation]

No she said it did not come overnight, she said it was a slow dying. She said it took years. The crying in her car, in the shower, her staying manically busy to not think about it. She said sex was terrible, it was hard for her to do it, she felt alone. There is a great book out there Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley. The basics are love is multi faceted and has breadth and depth way beyond feelings of romantic love or lust. My wife chose to be unhappy and hide it, she chose to let her feelings die, she chose to break up our family, she chose to not have an open mind about Christian counseling, she chose to let her emotions steam roll her and permeate every fiber of her being, she chose to focus on the negative and what she did not have, she chose to fantasize about other men and scenarios with them, she chose to let the marriage become so hopeless unilaterally broken that I could not have any chance to rekindle or preserve it.

I understand your post I really do, but this is pattern today with women in love with the world. They expect the rush of happy romantic love all their days in a marriage. They expect their husbands to be supermen, stay fit and sexy, make a good living, provide them with copious material goods, be a fantastic lover in the bedroom, co-parent, allow their women have the freedom to act like single women in regards to separate friends and lives and throw in being mind readers. When they don’t have that alchemy , well you have my wife. I was a good husband, I listened to her, was interested in what she had to say, valued her opinion and counsel, I was kind, considerate, generous and was a great involved Dad. Was I perfect no way. I own my end of the problem here. But I did not quit, I did not bail, I did not destroy what we had built. I would never do to her what she has done to me, destroy me like this and our kids. Sorry I don’t buy it, she is selfish and evil right now. I give her no quarter, based on her proclamations she was so miserable all these years. Sounded like revisionist history to maybe justify some very recent midlife crisis feelings of dissatisfaction.

I agree life will slap her in the face when she is out on her own, her having to shovel her own snow, work 40 hours, come home, feed the kids, pay bills, shop for food, clean the house, do laundry, worry about car repairs and how to pay for them, shop for clothes on a shoestring budget, goto Walmart, entertain the kids with activities, drive kids to sports and back, and……….her have her karate and vibrant social life with lots of dating and casual sex on the nights I have the kids. Like June Cleaver meets Sex in the City. I think she is very cavalier about it, thinks it will be great being alone, free like being 21 again with kids and the freedom to be a single girl and not have to share the TV clicker or pickup wet towels off her bathroom floor. I think she may just be able to pull it off for a year or two. But that freedom will erode into disillusionment and fear as the dating pool for a 40 year old with two kids and no money well let’s just say you have two kinds of guys , skirt chasers who want one thing off single mommies or other damaged husbands with Child Support and Alimony out to some other wife , a wife that for reason or another got sick of them. Sounds like a grim prognosis. But hey she chose it, maybe she can be the 1 in 100000 making 22k a year with no degree and two kids to have a fabulously rich life. I’d like to take notes and write a book about it, cause I am sure the 100,000’s of wives who fed this load of horse puckey to their husbands that they needed freedom and now are miserable would love to see how my wife did it. Attained nirvana.

If I sound bitter I am. She was shopping for a place to live today, she is looking at 2 bedroom places here in town because it is all she can afford. She is going to put a 16 year old girl and an 11 year old boy in the same dinky room. This is a plausible scenario for her. I mean if I was a wife beater, or abusive I could understand fleeing like that but she is so anxious to leave and get started ,… well I can’t understand. Look the reason I opposed the divorce was twofold, I wanted to buy a couple years for reconciliation and some water to go under the bridge and make improvements in myself that she could notice were permanent changes, be kind to the kids and her and well try and win her back, the other was well str8 it was wrong, sinful and I will have no part in it. Her next marriage will be adultery and she can expect more of the same disillusionment and disappointment. Because all men after a couple of years, slap on a few pounds, stop from being romantic 24/7 and to wanting a good night home being a Sci-Fi movie and then 20 minutes of sex. We just plain get comfortable and yes take you guys for granted if left unchecked. How many times have Walk Away Wives said. He was not the man I married. That’s right, the real guy you married is right there watching football, with potato chips on his shirt, giving you that goofy smile. I am giving myself 2 years to see if there is any chance of reconciliation. Knowing my wife’s makeup , I say my chances are about 1-3%, she is very stubborn and proud. She would be the type to marry some guy after a while to not to be alone and when she is sick of the bill collectors calling and the brakes squeaking on the truck. I mean what are some you women thinking is out there, what delusion are you living in. Do you want a good devoted man, a good provider, gentle lover your best friend or do you want a Hollywood movie where there is lots of hot steamy sex and nights of partying on white sand beaches

Wow this is cathartic! I am hurting terribly, the rejection, the bewildering lack of compassion and humanity in this, my life turned upside down. Seeing my kids 2-3 times a week. Does not seem fair does it. She wanted to walk, well hit the road Jack. Now I will lose my house, my credit, 1/2 of what I worked for, fulltime with my kids ..for what so my soon to Ex can be "Happy", some temporal emotion made up of three basic brain chemicals in the right combinations. True Joy comes form committment to the most High and commitment to your marriage and family. She made herself this terrible unhappy, in fact this applies to anyone, you OWN IT, no one else does. 18 years, we had a bond and a committtment, it was a marriage with lots of good memories and laughing. She debased it to like it was some sentence at a mental ward where everyday it was mental torture. Puleeeze.

Man, I just read this, I truly know exactly how this feels, I promise I do. And you are so exactly correct in you assessment of the modern expectation someone has sold about the emotional aspects of marriage. Its pre engineered for failure, it really is, and in fact its worse in the church than out because the church has twisted things up and added God to the mix of these emotional expectations. from the time they are teens young women hear this in church, it gets wrapped in scripture, and bent and twisted until its all just about feelings.

It really in the end doesnt matter that you could have been truly perfect in every other way, reliable, protective, providing, trustworthy, stable, sober, none of that matters a wit! If it doesnt FEEL good, to the curb with it.

Sorry man, because now you know whats next? people when hearing of your divorce will ask...."Wow, what did HE do?" Some friends will drift away, you will be presumed to be a cheater, a porn addict, or abusive. Since it seems to be about feelings, she may even toss around the abuse word, never specifying what she means, but only when asked saying "emotional abuse".

Now Im venting and its at your expense and I apologize. If it helps, mine went that way but ended up reconciled after 1.5 years. And, all that emotional utopian thinking was left in the past, and things got real, and its better than ever. I have no advice because I had nothing to do with it working out.

 

[lwg8tr]

Man, I just read this, I truly know exactly how this feels, I promise I do. And you are so exactly correct in you assessment of the modern expectation someone has sold about the emotional aspects of marriage. Its pre engineered for failure, it really is, and in fact its worse in the church than out because the church has twisted things up and added God to the mix of these emotional expectations. from the time they are teens young women hear this in church, it gets wrapped in scripture, and bent and twisted until its all just about feelings.

It really in the end doesnt matter that you could have been truly perfect in every other way, reliable, protective, providing, trustworthy, stable, sober, none of that matters a wit! If it doesnt FEEL good, to the curb with it.

Sorry man, because now you know whats next? people when hearing of your divorce will ask...."Wow, what did HE do?" Some friends will drift away, you will be presumed to be a cheater, a porn addict, or abusive. Since it seems to be about feelings, she may even toss around the abuse word, never specifying what she means, but only when asked saying "emotional abuse".

Now Im venting and its at your expense and I apologize. If it helps, mine went that way but ended up reconciled after 1.5 years. And, all that emotional utopian thinking was left in the past, and things got real, and its better than ever. I have no advice because I had nothing to do with it working out.

Wow so your wife game some of the reasons, why did she come back, was she as resolute as my wife? I can tell you , you are lucky, I have been attending a DivorceCare men's group and wives who walk for the reasons mine did 90% of the time stay gone. They most of the time just get on another hamster wheel with another poor schlub and 6-10 years give him the same speech. I was told by my conselor, pray the Holy Spirit to help her when her heart opens, but be prepared they almost never come back. The feelings of residual pain, the resentment and yes a new man prevents them from returning. I am hoping I end up like you. I will remain chaste for the two years, work on my relationship with God and let him run the show.

 

[Conservativation]

Ive sent you a PM. You are lucky a counselor is telling you these truths, is it a male?

Also, I found divorcecare could be very good for men like you/me, but it bugged me as I saw the ladies there who were doing what your wife is, then seeking support for it. It sits badly with me to be honest and I didnt like that group for that reason. But i found that to be the reality of the whole surreal thing....the divorce was treated as if it happened organically and that both she and I were victims.....even she would way things like "filing a divorce doesnt have anything to do with the fact that we are getting divorced".....HUH? There is a system in the church for removing a sense of ownership on the action that she has taken. Very very frustrating, so if you found men around you who understand these things you have a leg up

 

[lwg8tr]

Ive sent you a PM. You are lucky a counselor is telling you these truths, is it a male?

Also, I found divorcecare could be very good for men like you/me, but it bugged me as I saw the ladies there who were doing what your wife is, then seeking support for it. It sits badly with me to be honest and I didnt like that group for that reason. But i found that to be the reality of the whole surreal thing....the divorce was treated as if it happened organically and that both she and I were victims.....even she would way things like "filing a divorce doesnt have anything to do with the fact that we are getting divorced".....HUH? There is a system in the church for removing a sense of ownership on the action that she has taken. Very very frustrating, so if you found men around you who understand these things you have a leg up

Sorry Conserv I cannot PM yet, my post count is not high enough, send me your email and I can email you. My DivorceCare is only men and to a person the same sad story, even the langauge our wives used is similar when they dropped the bomb. Sadly our conselor said in the 6 years he has done this not one wife came back..Gulp. Not very hopeful there. But I guess he says that for a reason, we have to grow in the Lord and his love not be pining blubbering weaklings waiting around for a Road to Demascus moment from our Walk Away Wives. The wives that left have to see you as moved on, improved, not needing them and the opposite Law of Attraction(I made that up) may happen. She cannot count on pulling your heartstrings for fun anymore, you have moved on and now you DONT want her. Drives them crazy.

 

[hijklmnop]

I am very, very sorry for what you are going through and counseling would be a great idea IMO. I also agree with the principles taught in "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson which helped turn my marriage around when my h was pushing for a divorce and it was looking hopeless. Sounds like that's the advice you're getting already though, to move forward in your life, focus on spiritual growth, be strong and of good faith...whether that draws her back towards you or not, you will be better off in the long run than you will be if you spend too much time begging, grovelling and being broken. Your kids need you healthy, happy and whole!

As an aside, though, not all wives think that way, act that way, and you don't need your counselor to be male in order to get solid advice/support. I fully understand the anger towards your wife's actions and current attitude but I hope you will not be driven towards negative stereotypes and feelings towards women in general.

 

[lwg8tr]

I am very, very sorry for what you are going through and counseling would be a great idea IMO. I also agree with the principles taught in "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson which helped turn my marriage around when my h was pushing for a divorce and it was looking hopeless. Sounds like that's the advice you're getting already though, to move forward in your life, focus on spiritual growth, be strong and of good faith...whether that draws her back towards you or not, you will be better off in the long run than you will be if you spend too much time begging, grovelling and being broken. Your kids need you healthy, happy and whole!

As an aside, though, not all wives think that way, act that way, and you don't need your counselor to be male in order to get solid advice/support. I fully understand the anger towards your wife's actions and current attitude but I hope you will not be driven towards negative stereotypes and feelings towards women in general.

I know its the bitterness talking, sterotyping women. I am sure if we do not reconcile, I wil be able to love again with someone else eventually. I want that in my life. Thinking back honestly I dont want my old marriage back, the marriage where we did not communicate enough, where she was sparse with affection and sex, where I was always wondering that she was thinking. I am resolute to moving on, I can't do this much longer being a basketcase. I am in battle with my emotions and her being around here is not helping. Seeing her, how beautiful she is, how I want to hold and kiss her but no longer can. How she now calls me by my first name and not honey or babe. How she no longer changes clothes in front of me but asks me to leave the room. Where she talks about "When she dates..." It's all so hurtful and confusing. I need the casket of our marriage in the ground, buried and me to leave the graveside.

 

[hijklmnop]

I know its the bitterness talking, sterotyping women. I am sure if we do not reconcile, I wil be able to love again with someone else eventually. I want that in my life. Thinking back honestly I dont want my old marriage back, the marriage where we did not communicate enough, where she was sparse with affection and sex, where I was always wondering that she was thinking. I am resolute to moving on, I can't do this much longer being a basketcase. I am in battle with my emotions and her being around here is not helping. Seeing her, how beautiful she is, how I want to hold and kiss her but no longer can. How she now calls me by my first name and not honey or babe. How she no longer changes clothes in front of me but asks me to leave the room. Where she talks about "When she dates..." It's all so hurtful and confusing. I need the casket of our marriage in the ground, buried and me to leave the graveside.

Oh my word, that is brutal, I didn't realize you guys were still living together. I would ask her not to speak about dating other people while still under the roof of the family home! How insensitive! Pray like crazy for strength and just focus on being the man God calls you to be. Hang in there! I know how horrible it is because I lived it for awhile, too.

 

[lwg8tr]

Oh my word, that is brutal, I didn't realize you guys were still living together. I would ask her not to speak about dating other people while still under the roof of the family home! How insensitive! Pray like crazy for strength and just focus on being the man God calls you to be. Hang in there! I know how horrible it is because I lived it for awhile, too.

Yes like most people in this economy we really could not afford a divorce but she is hellbent on getting one. Well we have to live together to get our finances in order. I do not suggest this for anyone where you have one spouse in full on grief mode like me and one in the acceptance phase who views the divorce as some new beginning and greets it with excitement. I am going to get that Dobson book. I heard good things about it. Until we are both at the acceptance phase where we can meet at an equal emotional level, and well to be cold about it "take her or leave her", then I will have no chance at reconciliation if that is G*d's plan.

 

[hijklmnop]

That book honestly helped me get out of a horrible rut and start seeing the light in my life again, which had a secondary effect on my h (a strong, confident and godly spouse is generally more "attractive" (I don't mean physically, I mean character-wise) than a wet, limp dishrag with no more purpose in life). I hope it helps you as well. Maybe if she sees that she can lead a happy, vibrant, purpose-ful life WITH you she won't be so inclined to insist on pursuing it without you.

Truth be told I'm unsure about the wisdom of letting her live there while she is acting/talking the way she is. Maybe I'm being overly harsh, but I think I might be inclined (in your position) to say that if she is so confident that being "out" is such a great thing, then she should get on with it immediately, instead of loving the idea of being "out" in front of you with no regard for your feelings while still reaping the financial rewards of being "in." I'd be inclined to say if you want out then get on with it already, but if you're here, then invest your energy into the marriage and family. Really, I wouldn't do anything without a good counselor behind me, though. It's a super-delicate situation. I just think she needs to poop or get off the pot...currently she is using you, IMHO.

 

[Conservativation]

From me, Im only talking about the women who do this. Its not stereotyping and where the notion that "all women" comes from, here again, on yet another subject, baffles me.

THIS woman did it, the counselor knows scores more, I know of many....that's who Im frustrated with.

The gender of the counselor is important in that the reaction to divorce is 180 degrees out of phase with reality, the knee jerk "what did he do" should go away. these divorces like this account for the statistical majority of all divorces, so its worth addressing, and I wont debate about it.

lwg you are in the midst of a common battle. As I told you it can work out, but as you know most likely will not.

My email is coming by PM, maybe bitterness shared openly here is bad, but it is cathartic to be just flat out honest about your feelings, and the funny thing is the folks that bothers are usually the ones who insist that no feeling should ever be invalidated but rather explored, which I will do with you via email and i will stay out of the thread . sorry

 

[lwg8tr]

That book honestly helped me get out of a horrible rut and start seeing the light in my life again, which had a secondary effect on my h (a strong, confident and godly spouse is generally more "attractive" (I don't mean physically, I mean character-wise) than a wet, limp dishrag with no more purpose in life). I hope it helps you as well. Maybe if she sees that she can lead a happy, vibrant, purpose-ful life WITH you she won't be so inclined to insist on pursuing it without you.

Truth be told I'm unsure about the wisdom of letting her live there while she is acting/talking the way she is. Maybe I'm being overly harsh, but I think I might be inclined (in your position) to say that if she is so confident that being "out" is such a great thing, then she should get on with it immediately, instead of loving the idea of being "out" in front of you with no regard for your feelings while still reaping the financial rewards of being "in." I'd be inclined to say if you want out then get on with it already, but if you're here, then invest your energy into the marriage and family. Really, I wouldn't do anything without a good counselor behind me, though. It's a super-delicate situation. I just think she needs to poop or get off the pot...currently she is using you, IMHO.

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Well she is actively looking to get out ASAP. she is looking at homes and has her Daddy to bankroll her move. We are going to our mediator this week and working out the separation agreement and support. Yes I agree she has acted cruelly and without regard for me. But I can assure you and she would confirm this I have been no pushover when it comes to this. I have told her str8 up, you leave and your life is your life, you get your check bi monthly and that is all. Car break down in the snow, call Daddy, short on grocery money, send the kids over my house and call Daddy, late for work and need the kids to be made dinner for, call Daddy. I also told her my kids will not have any sleepover at my house, so there goes your all night humping plan at your house, and if sleeps over when my kids are there, I go to court and well let’s just say things get real ugly. She has her opinion and her emotions but she can live fully with the consequences, there will be no mollycoddling by me.[/FONT]

 

[hijklmnop]

You don't want your kids sleeping at your house? Why not? Just to restrict her freedom and teach her a lesson? I would warn you not to let your feelings towards your wife interfere with your relationships and decisions regarding your children. Correct me if I have misunderstood something.