Sinner am I

[dawnsday]

it was Christmas day
the year was 2002
the night was cold
bitter frost grew blue
the night came
gifts strewn around
the dinner was eaten
o holy night sounded
alone in my bed
for the first time so real
i gave up my pride
and fought past my fear
with my pain in my hand
my truth i there laid
for the first time in my life
i prayed
god who are you there
so far from me
give me a sign
so that i may see
that you are no myth
no you aren’t a tale
told to teach lessons
be good or there’s hell
started so gently
becoming so rough
i began to scream
in my mind for his love
i just wanted to be
who i knew i was
beneath all the sin
beneath actions of
depravity and hate
self-destruction and hurt
at that very moment
i saw i was my own curse
three years later
i sit in my shame
that though i have tried
i still am the same
in the eyes of my friends
there’s a giving in me
in the eyes of my friend
my heart should be clean
sinner am i
sinner am i
i fight so hard
to just not cry
sinner am i
fight though i may
my fear keeping me from
his glory and my peace
i don’t know how to be
with him and be me
down so far
i ache for his touch
to be so close
god this hurts so much
how do i let go
how do i let go
from all i have been
from all i have known
long ago i found the truth
long ago i vowed my life
but i have yet to give
what i promised that i
would give
and day by day
i live with the punishment
who am i
with out god
nothing i know
the question still there
i fearfully pose
who am i
with god
who am i
if i am not
who i am now
it was christmas day
three years past
my path to god is
one step forward, five steps back
many nights i have cried
screaming to him
to take over my life
steal me from my sin
and days or weeks later
i’m back at my old ways
sooner or later
again i will pray
screaming and tear-filled
heartbroken and wrong
for his love to carry me
and force me along
down the path he chooses
not that of my own
so that i may see him
one night when i go
sinner am i
this i know true
but god all i pray
is that one day
i’ll be outside of me
and living in you

 

[memoryroad]

that was longer than i expected, but it was worth reading. it's really good. congrats.