Sinking Fast!!

[Willseeker]

Everyday i walk around with a smile and jokes, to try and make everyone feel happy and good about themselves or their situations... But i feel horrible about myself and my situations! I don't know if you can call it depression, but generally i just plainly hate myself... (I used to deny the word HATE from my vocab, but i realised this morning that it's the most accurate description that i can possibly find to describe my feeling towards myself.) Disgust, is another!

I used to have morals and principles, and in a matter of a month or so, every moral concept that i supported went straight down the drain... In one night, i persued my boss' son, drank too much and went too far! A few weeks afterwards i confessed how much i feel for him, just to see him with his new girlfriend the following night. Typically he's avoiding me like the plague now!

I never used to think that i'm a complete idiot, but this situation (and some unmentioned others) have turned out to show me what an idiot i really am. I'm trying to erase him (and all that i've done) from my memory, but it's only as effective as his absense, because the minute he walks into the office, i can't deny the fact that i do have feelings for him. This is what started the self-hatred... The fact that i don't have the power to un-do what i'm feeling!!

Logically, i know that he feels nothing for me! Logically i know that we can't ever be together! Logically, i don't even like his disrespectful treatment of me! Logically... And yet, i hope!?

The negativity towards myself is starting to spread out to all aspects of my life! So, instead of just avoiding him, i'm starting to avoid family and friends too... This causes feelings of loneliness and rejections and incompetence... Basically, self-hatred, which comes with a whole freight of other negativities...

How do i get out of this TRAP, which feels like a sink-hole!!? HELP! PLEASE! (I don't think that even God will help me out of this one, since i got myself into this all on my own sinful way!)

 

[1cutemonki]

Never think that way! I've been in depression too and it's really bad. Cry all you want first but don't hurt yourself in any way! Then, pray while you're crying or after. God knows your heart and he does care about every single thing you feel. He cares, don't ever think that He doesn't. Ask him to give you His peace and wisdom. Forget about the guy, if you feel you should. That's one of the hardest things there is, but let God heal all those hurt spots in your heart. Then, restore and rebuild all those friendships. In the name of Jesus, I declare peace, faith, and wisdom over you. Father, look at your child, heal her heart, Lord. Because only you know what she's going through. Bless her, and make her feel loved. In the name of Jesus,
Amen

 

[crabbyintrovert]

Hi, Willseeker! I'm glad you posted...it's good to get things out in the open so that they don't eat away at your soul.

You DO still have morals, if you didn't this wouldn't be bothering you. Take a deep breath and forgive yourself. You're human with a giant heart that wants to know love. You took a chance (I've drank to get the courage to talk with someone too), and the risk of opening your heart didn't turn out the way you had wished. That is ok. It wasn't meant to be. There is someone better out there for you and you are so worthy of knowing the gentle love you desire.

You have a broken heart and that will take some time to heal. Allow your humaness and allow in God's comfort. He knows that your intentions were to bring love into your life and understands your method--He will forgive you if you ask. Try not to attach so much negative emotion to your actions so that you can put this in the past.

Comfort yourself with good soul-nourishing activities so that your heart can grow strong again. When the right person comes along, I'm sure you will go about meeting them in a much healthier way, having learned from this experience. Take the time you need and focus on your immediate future; learn to laugh again.

Here's a giant hug from me to you! Mi

 

[moonkissedtiger]

I know how you are feeling, I've felt that way many times. There were things that I would say and do that would make me feel so stupid & idiotic for doing it. But in the end, I knew that they were just mistakes. Mistakes that I could fix in whatever way.

First, don't believe that God won't help you! He WILL. Why? Because He loves you! He loves you and wants to see you feel good & joyful. I know it's hard to believe sometimes... I can barely believe it sometimes, but it's true.

With God you can get through this. You can get back to where you were before.

I'd love to give you a memory eraser but that isn't possible, instead what you need to to do is remember the mistakes you made, and learn from them. Don't regret what you have done, it's something that God lets happen to teach you a lesson. To bring you to Him. In times of need and trouble go to Him with what you are feeling. Tell Him how stupid you feel. He'll listen and help you if you ask for it.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to you, I am here for you. Just PM me sometime.

I am praying for you!