Singles jokes?

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

I have never heard jokes about the non-married. Less than a minute after making that observation, I thought of one:

What holiday do single people celebrate every day?

Independence Day.



I need jokes about my marital status. You know...show my family that I don't take my single status as seriously as they do.

 

[kelco]

The makers of "Frozen Meals For One" made you their "Customer of the Year" -- again.

 

[JPPT1974]

Oh you guys are so funny indeed
LOL!!

 

[HoosierCanuck]

In the movie "Hot Shots" a man is being tortured and his captor comments that he has a 'high tolerance for pain'. His response: I've been married......twice.

I guess I like jokes that put down marriage as a miserable way to live. call me morbid. lol

 

[Fatolia]

Why did the single cross the road?

Because the engaged couple was too busy arguing.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

why did the single cross the road?

to get away from all the touchy-feely couples before he/she puked! hahaha

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

How do you know that singleness is the better status?

Nobody has felt the need to write Singleness for Dummies.




(at least I am unaware of a Singleness for Dummies title).

 

[HoosierCanuck]

How do you know that singleness is the better status?

Nobody has felt the need to write Singleness for Dummies.




(at least I am unaware of a Singleness for Dummies title).

Well...even if there IS such a title, the author is probably married....you know the marrieds seem to know EVERYTHING about being single......

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Bump.

 

[Calminaion]

Being single is a joke.

But anyway...

 

[soda]

wear a t-shirt with the following:
FRONT
your mom talking to you: what do I tell the family why you're not married?
BACK
you, going away waving and saying: tell them..., thell them I forgot...

I remember that from some other thread, but I liked it, so here it is!

 

[Tenorvoice]

Don't know if this will work but here goes.....



If your wife is at the front door kickin and screaming, and the dog is at the back door barkin and howlin. Who do you let in first?













The Dog, at lest he will shut up when you let him in .

 

[Krysstian]

lol

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

these arent really singles jokes so to speak but I thought they were funny anyway. I've used up the few actual singles joke I know in previou threads


My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

 

[JPPT1974]

Do you know why I am single?

So that I can avoid being married as many times as Liz Taylor is!

 

[Tenorvoice]

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

hahahaha

Most men know better than to answer those questions.....in reality there is no correct answer for them

 

[sweetlambofgod]

good ones

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Person A: How many singles does it take to spend five dollars?

Person B: How many?

Person A: Five.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Person A: At what kind of store are you most likely to find a lot of singles?

Person B: What kind?

Person A: A record store.