Hi,
Im an 18 yr old, I know Im pretty smart, Im a self taught computer geek and a Microsoft Certified Technology Specialist, I also spent sometime teaching programming at a computer institute and everything I know I learnt on my own. However, programming is the only thing i can study, when it comes to school, Im terrible. Weve had family problems since I was a pre teen, theyve just been escalating since then and my academics have been taking a steep slope down. Last year, my schizophrenic father got violent with my mum and now they dont speak to each other at home anymore, also, since my dad is a pastor, my parents cannot separate. I finally landed rock bottom by failing my 12th grade! I failed miserably in four out of six subjects, I have to give a re exam now by March and I fear I the same thing will happen again.
Problem is I cannot pay attention to anything Im studying for more than 2 minutes. My mind wanders off so incredibly fast, I think of just something random associated oddly to something I might see or hear, then I jump from one thought to another, its like my brain is over firing any neural network thats lit up. Example: Hey an airplane in the sky-> reminds me of Top Gun->Tom cruise is a great actor->Hes has a kid right-> What would my kids be like when I grow up-> Oh I would want a big house in the suburbs -> .
And the madness goes on, after 5-10 mins I realize I was dreaming, I then wonder how I landed on such an elaborate thought, then my mind fires again back tracing everything I just thought, I cannot stay attentive for even 2 mins. And I cannot study a THING! It takes hours to read pages!
Ive tried, praying hard, really hard,(yesterday I prayed every few minutes), reading the bible, reading the bible in French and English (I have a French exam) listening to music while studying, studying with breaks, study at odd times, polyphasic sleep, harsh exercise, self injury, try to like what I read, reading books on how to read, reading tips like open your mind or count downward while reading! Nothing works, and Im beginning to think I have a mental disease!
My faith has been shaken completely because however i try to persevere, i fall down. I'm also afraid i might be bipolar but i'm not sure, i feel enraged when things go wrong, i automatically feel depressed/covered in jealousy when i see people with friends, i have no friends or company myself, i always think people hate me no matter what and a lot of times people take advantage of me, as a result I feel this pain that i want to feel physically so i always want to hurt myself, i usually cut my wrist.
I cannot get other books, researching on my subjects dont help they waste time because our system here is 1. Cramp in Head from specific books 2. Vomit all on exam sheet. Its a state funded system which I, like a idiot, chose to move to after doing 10th grade in a costly private school. Also, I cannot move to another school/system or get any other equivalent qualification.
I'm really in tears begging here Please Pray for me!!!
Gideon
Im an 18 yr old, I know Im pretty smart, Im a self taught computer geek and a Microsoft Certified Technology Specialist, I also spent sometime teaching programming at a computer institute and everything I know I learnt on my own. However, programming is the only thing i can study, when it comes to school, Im terrible. Weve had family problems since I was a pre teen, theyve just been escalating since then and my academics have been taking a steep slope down. Last year, my schizophrenic father got violent with my mum and now they dont speak to each other at home anymore, also, since my dad is a pastor, my parents cannot separate. I finally landed rock bottom by failing my 12th grade! I failed miserably in four out of six subjects, I have to give a re exam now by March and I fear I the same thing will happen again.
Problem is I cannot pay attention to anything Im studying for more than 2 minutes. My mind wanders off so incredibly fast, I think of just something random associated oddly to something I might see or hear, then I jump from one thought to another, its like my brain is over firing any neural network thats lit up. Example: Hey an airplane in the sky-> reminds me of Top Gun->Tom cruise is a great actor->Hes has a kid right-> What would my kids be like when I grow up-> Oh I would want a big house in the suburbs -> .
And the madness goes on, after 5-10 mins I realize I was dreaming, I then wonder how I landed on such an elaborate thought, then my mind fires again back tracing everything I just thought, I cannot stay attentive for even 2 mins. And I cannot study a THING! It takes hours to read pages!
Ive tried, praying hard, really hard,(yesterday I prayed every few minutes), reading the bible, reading the bible in French and English (I have a French exam) listening to music while studying, studying with breaks, study at odd times, polyphasic sleep, harsh exercise, self injury, try to like what I read, reading books on how to read, reading tips like open your mind or count downward while reading! Nothing works, and Im beginning to think I have a mental disease!
My faith has been shaken completely because however i try to persevere, i fall down. I'm also afraid i might be bipolar but i'm not sure, i feel enraged when things go wrong, i automatically feel depressed/covered in jealousy when i see people with friends, i have no friends or company myself, i always think people hate me no matter what and a lot of times people take advantage of me, as a result I feel this pain that i want to feel physically so i always want to hurt myself, i usually cut my wrist.
I cannot get other books, researching on my subjects dont help they waste time because our system here is 1. Cramp in Head from specific books 2. Vomit all on exam sheet. Its a state funded system which I, like a idiot, chose to move to after doing 10th grade in a costly private school. Also, I cannot move to another school/system or get any other equivalent qualification.
I'm really in tears begging here Please Pray for me!!!
Gideon
