Signs and discernment

[bkg]

I wrote a very long essay about my divorce a few months ago. It was very theraputic, and it's really helped me to grow as a person. I've shared it with a few people recently - people who are separated, people who are divorced, people who counsel others. I've never shared it with my ex-wife.

I've always known that I would share it with her at some point in time, but I admit I'm scared to death to do so. I think the biggest issue is her reaction - will it be negative and destroy my desire/ability to stand? Or will God use it to soften her heart and restore our marriage?

It's helped on couple come back from the brink of divorce. Another lady wishes her soon to be ex would write what I did. It's been used in pre-marital counseling at church. It's been suggested that I publish it.

Sharing it with anyone causes me no fear at all - sharing it with Anne scares the **** out of me.

I've been asking for direction from God, because 4 people have all but BEGGED me to share it with Anne. I feel imobilized by fear - fear of losing her again, I guess ( I know, the divorce was over many months ago, but still). Please pray for discernment and for courage.

And hey - I'll take any Godly words that you might have to share!

THANKS!

 

[Blessed75]

I'll pray that God leads you to do His will and not your own - I will say this - fear and doubt are NOT from the Lord. God bless you and keep us posted........

 

[E-beth]

If you did share it, and it went over badly, would you be any worse off than you are now?

It seems to me that the worst that can happen is that things stay the same.

Is she worth the risk? What could you lose? What could you gain?

I will be praying for you that God's makes His way clear to you. Maybe you could do a Gideon's fleece kind of thing.

 

[bkg]

If you did share it, and it went over badly, would you be any worse off than you are now?

It seems to me that the worst that can happen is that things stay the same.

Wonderful question. I don't have a good answer to that, which is why discernment is necessary. In the past, I've pursued her - when she moved out, I sent a letter that pulled at her heart strings and she came home. But I hadn't changed, so our relationship didn't change and she left again. So another letter went out... and so on and so on.

Writing is a way for me to say what I truly feel when I can't do so in person. I'm (admittedly) afraid that she will see this as an attempt to manipulate her into "coming home", so to speak. If she does, then damage will have been done.

Is she worth the risk? What could you lose? What could you gain?

She is worth everything that I have. She's the one that God provided for me, the one I married, the one I entered into a covenant with... She's VERY worth it!

What could I lose? A lot. I follow the Rejoice Ministries model of prayer and seeking God, and letting God work in my ex's life. Because of a past littered with letter writing and emotional manipulation followed by a completely lack of action, pursuing her has been out of the question: Insanity is a person who does something the same way and expects different results.

If God wants me to be patient and stand solemnly allowing Him to work in her life, stepping in front of that with MY desires will only serve to slow down waht God is doing. I don't want that. AGain, this is why discernment is so terribly important.

And, frankly, if the result or reaction is negative, I am afraid that I will lose hope for God's promises. Just being honest.

I will be praying for you that God's makes His way clear to you. Maybe you could do a Gideon's fleece kind of thing.

I'll have to go read Judges tonight.

Given the current path I've chosen, I have to acknowledge that God uses people to lead us in different directions. A person very close to me says that she needs to read this essay. I've chosen to ignore words of people and focus on the words of God, but having 4-5 people telling me in the last two weeks that she needs to know about this essay and teh changes in my life is very powerful. But is it of God????? It's so hard to know, and this is such a delicate situation.

I don't want her to think the essay is written to pull at her heart strings, but I do want her to read it someday... I always figured that would be mcuh later... But if this is waht God wants, then I want to obey...

I'm babbling now.

 

[desi]

Leave your ex alone and get on with your life. Burn the essay.

 

[rainyday]

desi ... this coming from the man who thinks divorce is something to be avoided and that everyone should try to stay in or repair their marriages? If his marriage could possibly be salvaged by this I say go for it and do so. I don't know the details of bkg's divorce but it's still a marriage in God's eye. I'm lol @ you desi because you yell at the women who divorce but tell a man to "get on with your life" ... I'm thinking of a word and it begins with an 'H' has a 'Y' and a 'P' and ... OH ... it ends with 'CRITE' ... that's you.

bkg ... you've got my prayers 110%! I agreed with E-beth before I even read what she wrote! What could it hurt by allowing her to read it? It's not like she's going to divorce you, is it? Nothing can get worse than the court sanctioned divorced you already have. You know what they say, nothing ventured is absolutely nothing gained. You'll lose nothing by doing nothing, but what if ... just 'what IF' it changes things as you're hoping it will? You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket ... show her the letter and buy that chance. If nothing changes ... then at least she'll know your heart and can never deny knowing how you feel.

Do it bkg ... it's a strong man who humbles himself to take that chance for the better.

PS ... I'm sorry about starting off with desi ... I just couldn't hold back.

Good luck and I'm praying my butt off over here for you.

 

[bkg]

Leave your ex alone and get on with your life. Burn the essay.

How do you really feel, Desi?!

The details of my divorce are still confusing to me. She wasn't happy, she felt I didn't treat her right, our "christian" marriage counselor told us that we'd never be happy together and to get a divorce, she needed to see changes in me that came too late, etc.. The last time we talked when married she told me we have a toxic relationship - I believe that line came directly from her counselor. She loved me then, but didn't have the emotional resolve to stick it out. She was hurting, but I honestly never knew why as she wasn't able to talk to me about it.

All that being said, I've never beleived she wanted the divorce, but through friends/family/"professionals", she didn't get a lot of encouragement and frankly didn't know what else to do. I don't blame her, really, but I am obviously still hurt.

The divorce was allowed to happen - God gave me a very long leash to play with, but after 5-6 years of running away from Him full speed, I ran out of leash and my head snapped pretty hard - the divorce was allowed. God had been trying to get my attention for many years, through many ways, and it wasn't until after the divorce that the scales fell and I saw who I really was. That's where the essay started, that's why I had to write it. Praise God for all of teh cahnges in my life the last 5 months - I'm not the same person by a long shot. That makes teh divorce very bittersweet for me.

All that being said, I've been standing for this marriage since then. I believe that it will be restored in God's time - rather, I pray it will be. I just don't want to interject *my* wants/needs into God's plan - especially if it ultimately prevents restoration.

The essay will never be burned - too many people have benefited from the experience that I have had in my life. IF God can use that experience to help save other marriages, why on Earth would I prevent that from happening, Desi?

I'll be praying about this constantly until an answer is revealed.

 

[LadyDJ]

you have my thoughts and prayers bkg

 

[sarah marie]

I'll be praying about this constantly until an answer is revealed.

We would all love to think that reading the essay would soften her heart. That it would be just the right way to do it and the right timing. You are right, only God knows. I was in that position of praying and waiting. I submitted to God and let him work through me in HIS way. It took a lot of prayer and God gave me the strength to hold back on all of the things I thought I should do or I thought might work. It was well worth it. God had things well in hand without interference from me. He did use me. I played a minor part. The reason He was able to use me when and where He did was because I had laid my will at his feet and gave it up. I exchanged my thoughts for his and my ways for his. As you stand for your marriage, I don't know what the outcome will be for you and your wife. I do know that God will use it to bless you and others, as well. Bless you for not taking the easy road! Stand firm and continue on the path you are on now: seeking God's will and trusting him with your future, relying on him for your strength and counsel.

 

[jwebhead]

Because of a past littered with letter writing and emotional manipulation followed by a completely lack of action, pursuing her has been out of the question: Insanity is a person who does something the same way and expects different results.

You know Anne better than we do. All I can say is that before my divorce was final I prayed and prayed that God would show me some way if He wanted my (ex) husband and I to remain together. Unbeknownst to me my (ex) husband had sought advice from men who are Godly men but the advice was contradictory to he and I. The advice was for him to be relaxed and act unaffected by the proceedings of the divorce. He was told that if he seems distraught or needy towards me it would turn me off and keep me away. The problem was our entire relationship was that. I needed to know he DID need me. So he did what he always did and expected the different response.
If you know that Anne would probably not respond to the essay then find another way to express yourself to her. I do not know exactly how, but you have to try. JMHO

You're in my prayers and I hope the 2 of you stay in the will of God...whatever that may be.

 

[desi]

How do you really feel, Desi?!

Okay...

Annabel Lee

by Edgar Allan Poe, 1849
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

 

[bkg]

Okay...

Annabel Lee

by Edgar Allan Poe, 1849

Beautiful poem... but in all honesty... I'm still not sure what you are trying to say... seriously, I'm open for any Godly advice at this point, Desi.....
bkg

 

[bkg]

I do not know exactly how, but you have to try. JMHO

Thank you... from the depths of my being, I thank you and appreciate your response!!!

 

[jwebhead]

I have been thinking about you allot since last night and I haven't thought of any ideas of how you can share your essay with Anne, but I read your thread after speaking with my ex and he told me of this advice he got and I go wish he would have done evertything and anything to get my attention and get me to understand how he felt.

Just do not give up.

 

[bkg]

I have been thinking about you allot since last night and I haven't thought of any ideas of how you can share your essay with Anne, but I read your thread after speaking with my ex and he told me of this advice he got and I go wish he would have done evertything and anything to get my attention and get me to understand how he felt.

Just do not give up.

I know that she knows I love her... Rather, I know she has heard me say it. I'm not sure she believed it. I know now that I cannot get her attention in this matter - only God can. If He uses me or this essay in that, wonderful. I know too well that anything that I write or do will not be nearly as powerful as what God may be doing - only He can turn a heart.

I will only give up after she remarries or one of us passes from this earth.... Or God makes it clear that He has other plans to use me to glorify Him that do not include my ex...

bkg

 

[desi]

Beautiful poem... but in all honesty... I'm still not sure what you are trying to say... seriously, I'm open for any Godly advice at this point, Desi.....
bkg

It is beautiful. The fellow in it clung to his love despite her being gone. While it makes good reading it is hardly the way to spend a life. Bkg you have all the blessings of God in store for you. He will give you all, save bending the free will of another.

 

[bkg]

It is beautiful. The fellow in it clung to his love despite her being gone. While it makes good reading it is hardly the way to spend a life. Bkg you have all the blessings of God in store for you. He will give you all, save bending the free will of another.

Interesting...
And my counter to your last comment is this: How many times in the Bible does God "change the heart" of someone? Harden it, soften it? I heard one time that it was 70 times. How many times does God mention free will? Less than 70.

The point being that I agree that I cannot bend someone elses will. But to deny that God can change someone's heart would be limiting the Creator of the Universe to... well... a human.

Everytime I want to give up and "go on w/ my life", I ask God what I'm supposed to do, and He answers with an overwhelming "stay the course"... Last night I was crying out literally begging for direction in a way that I could not ignore. This morning I received an email of encouragement from a person who has not been supportive of my decision since day one. God is working...

 

[jwebhead]

So happy for the encouragement you received this morning from that e-mail...God is so amazing and wonderful...hang on BKG , your right...God is working.

 

[rainyday]

Stick with it bkg. Desi picks and choses from the bible to fit his agenda against women. If you were a woman he'd be scolding you for having not fought harder against that divorce and instructing you to go back, yet as a man he tells you to move on and mentions 'free will of another' as though women cannot be changed. IMO, he has serious issues against women. There's a negative emotion residing deep within him when he's addressing or advicing about women; again, that's IMO.

You stay your course. God is indeed working. I have a relationship that I want to walk away from right now because it's so painful to maintain. I keep repeatively praying on it and asking for clarity and discernment as to what to do. I am consistently being told the same thing in answer to my prayers, trust and have patience, to WAIT. It's more painful to keep holding on this way. I'd rather cut the ties and move on to begin to heal, but if this is God's will, who am I to decide what is best? This relationships promises the sweetest love I've ever known, bound in God and true friendship ... so I will stay the course for now and continue to pray.

I have this book I turn to when moments hit where Satan is pearched on my shoulder whispering seductively trying to persude me to doubt in my Lord. The book is 'Perfect Trust' by Charles Swindol and the quote I use in my signature is from this book. I was skimming through it again this morning, another morning of doubt and heartache, and came upon this passage to help me through today's heartache: "First, He brought me here, it is by His will I am in this straight place: in that fact I will rest. Next, He will keep me here in His love, and give me the grace to behave as His child. Then, He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends for me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow."

I hope that helps bkg. God bless you and I'll add you to my prayer list.

 

[cjba]

It is such a shame when counselors give their "personal" advice rather than "Godly" advice. My hubby and I experienced the same in regards to the marriage is over.

The way we were told in a session of counceling was basically (Catholic Deacon) Do you understand how your hubby feels? Then you need to be strong and carry on. Divorce is not such a bad thing. The killer was that he went on to explain how he and his wife were married for 25 years. Ended the marriage - had a single life for 5 years and now is remarried. He stated this was the best thing for him. In my opionion this was the worst advice a person can give a struglling couple. At first this made the struggle even harder. This gave my hubby ammunition to stay on the road he was on. Thank God I didn't take this to heart. (We are now in the healing process)

This is part of what lead us attending a Christian Church. At the church we now attend;counseling is based on scripture.

As for sharing this letter with your wife. This to me seems like an opportunity to share something with your ex-wife. I think she would be touched that God has given you this gift of writing an essay that has been expressed to you to get published.

What an honor to be part of something so big that this may help people in their marriages. You see this letter is a gift from God. He has taken your troubled season in your life and turned it around. Now you can see some of the beauty that ironically comes from our trials. One day if you have this published - this may be presented to one's spouse and is told this is the way I would feel if we let it get this far. Let's not go there.

We grow as people and want to share and help others who have gone through similar experiences. As the one woman put it she wished her ex-hubby would of written something to her.

Maybe the time is not right to share this with your ex-wife. Only you know the answer to that. Either way one day she will have the opportunity to read your essay. Whether the letter is presented to her by you or when you let her know the essay has been published.

God Bless