Sibling Sexual Abuse

[mozart250]

We recently found out from our youngest daughter (age 19) that her oldest brother of 6 years molested her (twice) when she was around 6.

The worst thing about it is that we remember when it happened. She tried to tell us but the language was never explicit enough (understandable) so that we could determine whether abuse took place.

How we responded was to take her to a doctor, but even after the doctor talked to her, he couldn't determine whether it did or did not occur. He told us to wait on it, and if it happened it would come out in due course.

A few years later our oldest son left the house because of violence issues, joined the army, got out, and now is floundering around as an alcoholic.

Understandably, she told us that she wants nothing more to do with him and will not be attending any family events like Christmas or Easter where he might be present.

We wanted to confront him over this, but my daughter fears for her safety as she is going to college in the same city (35K) where he lives. She would prefer that we just carry on as if nothing had happened, and she just bow out. I'm not sure this is a good option.

I am not sure what to do now outside of going to a professional counselor since I think we are over our heads here. My wife right now is so angry that she wants to cut him off totally from the family (she was molested by a baby sitter when she was 12). I would hate to do this, but right now I don't have the stomach to see him either.

Anyway, any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[Johnnz]

He is still not together it seems. Some family contact should he ever try to get his life together would be good for him, but that probably needs to be someone who can cope with him.

If he was about 12 when he did that was probably his early adolescent sexual stirrings that got him into doing what he did. It was wrong but that does not automatically make him a confirmed sexual abuser or predator.

John
NZ

 

[bubblefish]

Hi Mozart,

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Welcome to the forums! I hope that you get the answers you are looking for here! I want to warn you that this probably will be a very long post, so feel free to skim over what you don’t want to know, but I wanted to try and explain in it as well what she might be going through from another survivor’s perspective. (I was continually assaulted by an uncle when I was 12-15).

​

I first of all want to state, that this is not the fault of you or your wife and you should not blame yourself for not doing something sooner if that has happened at all. I know a lot of families that have found out the assault was a definite thing much further on and blamed themselves for not doing something earlier. You did what you could at the time and that is all that can be asked of you, and it is great that you are looking for support now as well.

​

As hard as it is, I suggest that you try to respect your daughter’s wishes. Assault like this, would have caused a lot of pain for her at the time and even now, especially if she is still afraid of him. After any form of abuse, often all aspects of trust are shattered and survivors need to have some kind of control over their lives. It seems by her wanting to avoid Christmas and holidays she is not only trying to avoid him because of her fear but also it is something in relation to him that she can control – she can control when and if she sees him.

​

What I would like to suggest is that you try to talk to your daughter about it. Warn her before it that you want to talk to her about it all and arrange a time where you can all meet and talk without being disturbed. From there, be completely honest with each other if you can. Explain to her your feelings and allow her to explain hers. Let her know that you won’t take any kind of actions without talking to her first if you can (the aspect of putting her in control) and also possibly try and explain that while she has had time to come to terms with what happened, even though you knew aspects of it years ago, this is the first time you and your wife are trying to deal with this and don’t feel that you can sit back and not do nothing about it. Talk about your feelings and thoughts in relation to counselling (which I think is a great idea for all of you) and possibly suggest the idea that she look into some kind of support as well if she hasn’t already. While she may wish to carry on like nothing happened, I know what assault can do to a person. While you can generally run from it for a while, the thoughts and emotions are still always there and will need to come out and be dealt with eventually. Maybe try to word it in a way that says you are concerned for her and want to do all you can to help, and give her details on things she can look into if she ever needs support, but don’t push her to get help if she doesn’t wish to right now. (If she does decide she does want some kind of help though I suggest that as well as looking at counselling you point her in the direction of other resources such as this forum, or other forums focusing on Sexual Assault where she can talk to other survivors as well in a fellowship type setting. Generally it helps survivors to realise they are not alone in their feelings and coping strategies).

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Also, I hope you don’t mind me asking this at all, and please feel free to ignore this question or tell me to mind my own business if you need to, but did your wife ever have help through her trauma and assault? This could be bringing up the past emotions and triggers for her as well which could be making her anger a lot worse.

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As for cutting off or even confronting your son, I would wait right now until you have had a chance to talk to your daughter if possible and explain where you are at. While it is a completely normal reaction to want to confront him over this, your daughter is probably feeling very vulnerable right now and I can understand her worries about him being so close and finding her again. The man who assaulted me lived near me for a number of years (and at times still with my Aunt) and it is a genuine fear. I still have times where I worry that he may find me again, even though he no longer knows where I live. Has she possibly considered going to a different college? Something that is not so close to him? Or other options to help her feel safe? I can understand that you may need to confront him at some point to resolve all of this but please try to make sure your daughter is fine with it first.

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I have made an extremely long post now, but I hope it helps in at least some small way. Please do feel free to continue posting here and asking questions as you need to, and if you ever need any details of the resources I mentioned for your daughter, and even for yourself to learn a bit more about what she might have gone through at the time and be going through now, please do let me know and I will be happy to send them to you.

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Good luck with it all I am sure that you will get through this.

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Blessings,​

Katie​

 

[EbonNelumbo]

I'm sorry for your daughter and for your position but I will commend you on being a good and true willing father in helping her.

I don't have a magical answer for you, but I have prayers and I have the recommendation to seek professional help.

My PM box is open if you want to chat.

-Hallee

 

[JudyB1169]

How heartbreaking for you!! As a survivor myself, I believe you did the right thing. I understand your daughter perfectly. I refuse to go into detail about what my stepbrother did to me, too. I have told one neutral friend, but that is it. I just told my parents that he touched me in ways I didn't like for about 4 yrs. I pray that God reaches this man and convicts him of his behavior. It is possible his drinking could be anesthetizing any guilt or memories he is living with. Pray for God to reach him and for God to comfort your daughter. Personally, I would confront him, but if you feel violence is an issue, you may know of a better way. There is no clear cut easy solution to this. Obviously, ignorance is not an option, since you now know and believe your daughter. But, respecting her wishes to just be ommitted from future get-togethers may be the high road to take. I pray God gives you wisdom in this terribly difficult issue.

 

[Criada]

Praying for you all.
I can't really add to the advice here... the best thing you can do for your daughter is to be there when she needs you, and to believe and understand her.
It's a long process, but it is great that she has felt able to talk to you about it... she is very blessed to have a father who is so willing to hear her and to help.

 

[Carolyn H]

...and you may want to look into counseling for your wife and daughter. I have found it very beneficial to see a Christian Counselor whom I trusted!

 

[dandymandy]

Dear Mozart,

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Thank God that your daughter has functioning parents.

I was raped by my 12 y/o brother when I was 13 so I have some pertinent experience.

First off, you received superb advice so far.

Consult a counsellor and learn what others have discovered to be helpful---no point in re-discovering on your own.

'Tis true that you are parents for both your daughter and your son and that you love them both. That said, I diffidently suggest that you help the child that is available to receive help. Until your son is ready to make changes, there is nobody who can help him but himself, sad to say.

My little brother went on to bigger and "badder" things---capital felony murder at age 15, stood trial as an adult. He is where he needs to be and won't menace me or the public for decades. I can and have forgiven him because he is suffering the consequences for a string of bad choices---goes a long way to my healing.

You daughter has choices that I can see that are difficult. Should she go to college in another city and let her brother have that effect upon her life? Or should she dig deep, say that her brother has no influence on her, and stay the course with the college she has selected? Tough choice.

Perhaps give your son contact as you think best but reserve family holidays for your daughter and for those with whom she feels comfortable. It isn't that you no longer love your son---just that he needs to suffer consequences rather than his victim. He did escape legal prosecution, it appears.....just my humble opinion.

My prayers are with you. Thank God your daughter does not face this alone.

God bless.

 

[didion27]

I'm 27 and this exact same thing happened in my house (my brother who is 6 years senior molested and raped me when I was very young). I read this book and I REALLY REALLY think you should read it...it was the only book that provided deep healing for me and RIGHT thinking:

Dan Allender, "The Wounded Heart"

Your daughter needs to know that it was not her fault and that,whether or not it was your "fault" --- you ARE sorry that you didn't do more to protect her and help her recover. People who have been abused need to know that what happened WAS a horrible thing, and that their feelings about it are logical. I really struggle with trusting my own instincts and judgments, and I don't currently have a truly restored relationship with my parents...I am discussing the abuse issues with them next month for the first time...and have postponed it for a long time because I am afraid they will UNDER-react, and this I know will be hard for me....as I have spent my entire life pushing the abuse down and trying to justify it and ignore its consequences or at the very least blame it all on myself. I have always wanted to "take care of" my parents and PROTECT them...from a VERY young age...I remember thinking at just 6 years old that I would not tell my parents because it would make them upset and I was afraid of seeing them upset. No 6 year old should have those kind of thoughts going on in their head....it leads to a lot of problems...like isolation and trust issues. I spent my entire youth knowing that NO ONE truly knew me, except for Jesus. My own parents didn't know me, and when you don't feel like people know you, you aren't as able to internalize their love.

Anyway, that's my story...but I say it all to shed some light on what your daughter may be/may have experienced....sexual abuse from a sibling at a young age affects your identity and self-concept at a VERY deep level.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I'm the same age as your daughter, so I'm not about to give any parenting advice. But I just wanted to applaud you for being so supportive and understanding. It would have been so hard for her to finally tell you. So often, parents can freak out with guilt and react in the most horrible ways, but it sounds like you're being the best parents possible in this situation. She's fortunate to have you

The only other thing I can offer is prayer.

 

[Harmonious_Echo]

Will pray for you and your family...as for advice, look to others with more experience in that area. Thankfully nothing like that ever happened in my family...
God bless you and keep you.