My brother is Christian but is not active in the church community, claiming that church doesn't directly help the needy or poor. He believes that giving to charities and 'directly' helping is much better than going to church, and sees little need for himself to go. He often resorts to self-help books and things that make him a better communicator and more 'likable' around people. I'm not one to judge, but to me it seems he compensates for feeling guilty or not entirely understanding and being too ashamed or proud to admit it. Again, just my thoughts though I'm undoubtedly biased, being a close sibling.
The main issue, here, is that he views me very negatively as a result. He's a big financial guy, and is projected to be a multi-millionaire by his 30s. To him, his life is going great and he's okay with projecting his (sometimes morally questionable) lifestyle onto others, especially me.
For spring break I'm with him, and he continues to "project" himself onto me or to people around me. Like our grandma. She called up and asked him what I'm doing for spring break (she's in her 90s) and I could hear him saying, with me conveniently in earshot, that I was probably going to, quote, "play videogames" all weekend. Granted, I'm a gamer, but everyone has their vices, right? >.> The other thing is that I could've gone to New York with my cousin. She's bipolar among other things that I won't get into, and has a tendency to not get back to people. That's another story.. The NYC thing didn't work out, and I didn't want to go to NY alone and stay at my other sibling's apartment (with 2 of his friends I've never met) who would be working pretty much all day (he has 3 jobs). I declined the idea of going to NYC because I didn't want to go around New York alone, that would scare me to death! Well, going back to the phone call, my brother told her that I didn't want to go to New York and that it was a missed opportunity that I probably won't get again.
You can imagine how I feel, I hope, at this point. I'm not a loser, I'm not a bad person, but my brother continues to make me feel awful about myself. I understand that in all likelihood he doesn't understand his impact on me and is just being his 'haughty' self.
I feel mad and helpless at the same time. Like he'll never understand my more laid-back personality and will always project himself onto me and even his vision of me onto others around him. This has been an ongoing thing in my life, my other sibling does this too and the worst is if they gang up and 'bully' me, or at least that's what I see it as. I'm the youngest of my immediate and extended family. I've always been more laid back, introspective, introverted, 'shy' (ie a little reluctant to approach others), etc. Lately, I've been trying to find my strengths not focus on my weaknesses because of my low self-esteem. I'm a terrible public speaker and am generally anxious around big groups or even "bold" people.. I've been trying to improve my personal life because I want to fulfill God's will and be a better person for him and the good around me. I don't want to be so anxious, it's not a great feeling..
Any ideas? I prefer a thought-out response with consideration for my feelings and the overall situation, it's not the easiest subject to talk about. Thank you.
PS I pray to God, and I try to be grateful for what I have not focusing on what's 'wrong' with me or whatever. I know I'm 20 and still play videogames and like to do more introverted things like read or go on forums like these, but I rarely share this side of me with others, and am apprehensive to the fact, really..
PPS On top of all of this, my parents are pastors/missionaries yet are generally accepting of my brothers' behavior. They seem to dislike my laid back self. They like ambitious, type 'A' people with generally strong characteristics. My mom was a youngest but was very smart and skipped 8th grade altogether, and seems to think she knows who I am but I doubt it...
..Sry for the long post. I know it's a lot to take in but if someone can identify, has prior experience of some sort, or can offer advice it could really help, I think. Thanks..
The main issue, here, is that he views me very negatively as a result. He's a big financial guy, and is projected to be a multi-millionaire by his 30s. To him, his life is going great and he's okay with projecting his (sometimes morally questionable) lifestyle onto others, especially me.
For spring break I'm with him, and he continues to "project" himself onto me or to people around me. Like our grandma. She called up and asked him what I'm doing for spring break (she's in her 90s) and I could hear him saying, with me conveniently in earshot, that I was probably going to, quote, "play videogames" all weekend. Granted, I'm a gamer, but everyone has their vices, right? >.> The other thing is that I could've gone to New York with my cousin. She's bipolar among other things that I won't get into, and has a tendency to not get back to people. That's another story.. The NYC thing didn't work out, and I didn't want to go to NY alone and stay at my other sibling's apartment (with 2 of his friends I've never met) who would be working pretty much all day (he has 3 jobs). I declined the idea of going to NYC because I didn't want to go around New York alone, that would scare me to death! Well, going back to the phone call, my brother told her that I didn't want to go to New York and that it was a missed opportunity that I probably won't get again.
You can imagine how I feel, I hope, at this point. I'm not a loser, I'm not a bad person, but my brother continues to make me feel awful about myself. I understand that in all likelihood he doesn't understand his impact on me and is just being his 'haughty' self.
I feel mad and helpless at the same time. Like he'll never understand my more laid-back personality and will always project himself onto me and even his vision of me onto others around him. This has been an ongoing thing in my life, my other sibling does this too and the worst is if they gang up and 'bully' me, or at least that's what I see it as. I'm the youngest of my immediate and extended family. I've always been more laid back, introspective, introverted, 'shy' (ie a little reluctant to approach others), etc. Lately, I've been trying to find my strengths not focus on my weaknesses because of my low self-esteem. I'm a terrible public speaker and am generally anxious around big groups or even "bold" people.. I've been trying to improve my personal life because I want to fulfill God's will and be a better person for him and the good around me. I don't want to be so anxious, it's not a great feeling..
Any ideas? I prefer a thought-out response with consideration for my feelings and the overall situation, it's not the easiest subject to talk about. Thank you.
PS I pray to God, and I try to be grateful for what I have not focusing on what's 'wrong' with me or whatever. I know I'm 20 and still play videogames and like to do more introverted things like read or go on forums like these, but I rarely share this side of me with others, and am apprehensive to the fact, really..
PPS On top of all of this, my parents are pastors/missionaries yet are generally accepting of my brothers' behavior. They seem to dislike my laid back self. They like ambitious, type 'A' people with generally strong characteristics. My mom was a youngest but was very smart and skipped 8th grade altogether, and seems to think she knows who I am but I doubt it...
..Sry for the long post. I know it's a lot to take in but if someone can identify, has prior experience of some sort, or can offer advice it could really help, I think. Thanks..
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