Shyness

[Saxman]

I am extremely shy and as such I find it very hard to make new friends, and almost impossible to meet girls. I am extremely self-conscious and just freeze up in any form of social situation (such as a party, a social, even coffee after Church), finding it almost impossible to smile and not knowing what to say. Occassionally people come over and talk to me, but being very nervous I tend to come across as unfriendly and rude, when really it is just shyness, and conversations just seem rather stilted and that makes both me and the other person uncomfortable.

With girls, it just seems that girls my age only like outgoing, sociable men, and always seem to ignore quieter, shyer men like me. I am fairly good looking, and athletic: I play a lot of sports and work out, and intelligent, but these things are no use, as I am far too shy to meet and get to know people well.

How can a shy guy like me make more friends and find a nice, warmhearted girlfriend?

 

[welshchick]

Hi Saxman
i'm the same as you...i'm quiet shy and hate going to social events because i know that making conversation will be hard and it'll all end up uncomfortable! However, i have definately improved and started to get over my shyness. I normally just think of a set number of questions to ask if i know that i'm going to have to talk to new people (or even older people), and then try to get onto a conversation based on the answers to their questions.

It's hard i know. i hate having to meet new people, but i just think "i've got to do it". sometimes we have great conversation and everything flows, othertimes its really uncomfortable.

i guess my advice is just think up a set of questions and keep them stored in your mind for when you meet people. always ask people lots of questions about themselves etc. you do get better as you go along, believe me!

the funniest thing is, people have told me that when they first met me they thought i was really confident, cos i asked loads of questions, tried to get into conversation and stuff. But underneath i was really like "ok, what questions can i ask now? quick..think of something!". shyness is a strange thing.

and girls don't always go for outgoing guys. i normally go for guys who are a bit shy and quiet, but who can take initiative. i'm not really into really outgoing guys.

hope this helps in some way....but i definately know how you feel!

 

[Brooke]

I use to be very shy, and even now am a bit timid around people. It's hard for me to open up at forst when meeting new people, or even people I already know. Have you tried asking the Lord to make you more comfortable around people? It can't be his will that you have this problem.

 

[Saxman]

Mmm.That is what I was thinking. I know that God has created a vibrant personality within me, and when I am with close friends or family whom I am very comfortable with, this shines and I am witty and entertaining. However whenever I am plunged in a social situation I become reserved and inhibited and boring. I will try praying

Welshchick, I do roughly the same thing. My strategy revolves around asking lots of questions. Sometimes this works and I find somebody with similar interests, but sometimes it doesn't. Also I find that once I have used up my basic questions (hobbies? where do you come from? What do you think of x.) I am stuck and often I feel like the conversation is just an interview.
One to one I can often do OK and occassionally strike gold and get a good convo started, but group situations I hate.

Group conversations are what I find hardest as I ALWAYS get left out, and ignored. I am too polite to butt in, and by the time I think of something to say the conversation has moved on. I feel silly just sitting there saying nothing and feel unhappy and left out and as a result I look miserable.

For example there is this Christian social on Sunday evenings, where we get together in a room and sit down and eat. Being quite shy I do not really feel I know people very well, and everybody seems to know everyone as they have been an established group for a while and I have only just got involved. I am not really comfortable enough to sit and join other people as I feel like I am intruding, and so I generally just sit somewhere neutral and hope that people will come over to me or invite me to join them.

I feel awful as I am a big, strapping chap and on a rugby pitch I feel no fear, but in social situations I am as timid as a mouse.

Oh and for those girls who do like shy guys, how is best to proceed? If I am very lucky and the girl is very confident (like a girl I knew last summer) they will go up to me and do a lot of the work for me, trying to open me up and involve me. Problem is very few girls seem to make the effort.

 

[Athalia]

Generally girls want the guy to make the first "serious" move - even the confidient ones. Sorry

*Just an idea but I was exactly how you discribe yourself - still am I just learned how to bury it/hide it/ bluff/ anyway, when it comes to conversations have opinions. Is there something you are passionete about? Or at least have definet opinions and ideas about? What helped me crack my shell was argueing -very venemently - with most of my professors, about religion, Christianity, but mostly politics. I felt that they were wrong, and that it is just fine for me to have my opinion - it helped that they kept telling me I was wrong, and trying to change what thought, I got very bullheaded and I can talk now. And the more you talk the better you get at conversations - which I'm still working on

I also try to figure people out when I'm talking to them, that helps me keep the conversation going, like are they shy and need to be drawn out? What are they into, even if it's not the same stuff you like, ask questions get details. Show you are interested

BTW that works great for girls too, let 'em know you want to know about them, and that you listen. And that you don't have to talk about yourself all the time. Oh, and don't be afraid to disagree with them on stuff show that you actually were listening and you know have an opinion,

I'm rambling sorry, I'll stop now, you must have struck a chord with me or something, Poor you.

 

[welshchick]

Welshchick, I do roughly the same thing. My strategy revolves around asking lots of questions. Sometimes this works and I find somebody with similar interests, but sometimes it doesn't. Also I find that once I have used up my basic questions (hobbies? where do you come from? What do you think of x.) I am stuck and often I feel like the conversation is just an interview.
One to one I can often do OK and occassionally strike gold and get a good convo started, but group situations I hate.

Group conversations are what I find hardest as I ALWAYS get left out, and ignored. I am too polite to butt in, and by the time I think of something to say the conversation has moved on. I feel silly just sitting there saying nothing and feel unhappy and left out and as a result I look miserable.

For example there is this Christian social on Sunday evenings, where we get together in a room and sit down and eat. Being quite shy I do not really feel I know people very well, and everybody seems to know everyone as they have been an established group for a while and I have only just got involved. I am not really comfortable enough to sit and join other people as I feel like I am intruding, and so I generally just sit somewhere neutral and hope that people will come over to me or invite me to join them.

I feel awful as I am a big, strapping chap and on a rugby pitch I feel no fear, but in social situations I am as timid as a mouse.

Oh and for those girls who do like shy guys, how is best to proceed? If I am very lucky and the girl is very confident (like a girl I knew last summer) they will go up to me and do a lot of the work for me, trying to open me up and involve me. Problem is very few girls seem to make the effort.

i'm the same i'm afraid. i hate group conversations. when i'm in uni (and there's only like 15 in my class), i never speak up during a lecture, answer a question, or join the discussion. i feel like i'm butting in and it's their discussion and not mine, and that if i would say something it probably wouldn't mean much anyway!

its the same with socials, whether its church socials/college socials i always feel like i'm left out too. everyone is always chatting away and having a laugh and i just feel like that i'm in the way. it's awful and i dont know how to get over that part. but it's good that you have the set no. of questions lined up though. just try and build on those, and if you run out of things to say, and it gets uncomfortable then just end the conversation and find someone else (although thats easier said than done).

As Athalia said....girls prefer guys to make the first move i'm afraid. i prefer it that way....maybe i just see at as the chivalrous thing to do. just be really chatty to any girls you like, show that you're interested in them (as in what they do, fave things etc). Gilrs like it if someone takes an interest in them. just see how it goes, and if you think you're getting a good response back then go for it. you dont have to just come straight out and say 'do you want to go out', just ask if they'd like to do something sometime and let it lead on from there

 

[Periann]

Hey Saxman, it sounds like you dont like being this shy. Why not try and speak up during class discussions or challenge yourself to talk to somebody you are familiar with. I know this might be a challenge, but the only way to get out of your comfort zone is to step up your act a little. Set a goal for yourself or something, like today: I will speak up during class and talk to <insert name>. Its not a big goal, just small ones that you can commit too. Then hopefully, after doing this for a while, it will seem like second nature and then you will realize that you had nothing to be afraid of!

 

[Saxman]

Oddly class is the one place where I am not shy, as being rather intellectual and bookish, I tend to know my material and can argue anything. Similarly I am also a keen debator, and am in the university first team. Where I am not so confident is the sort of daily small talk etc for getting to know people. Problem is that is not really acceptable to argue politics with someone (especially when you have right-wing views like mine).

Re the advice on having to make the first move on girls. For me this is just a big can of worms. I can never tell whether a girl likes me or is just being polite/sociable. Most girls in my acquantaince are fairly friendly. The few times I ask a girl to say a movie or something they either have a hundred excuses or say they have a boyfriend, or say they thought we were just friends and following that they seem to avoid me and our friendship rather falls through. When I have to see the girl over and over again e.g if they are in my Church or in my classes, then that tends to just make things awkward for both of us.

 

[Athalia]

Just tell 'em you meant it to be just friends - (or if you are feeling twisted tell them you are asking them because you want a favor, like hooking you up with a friend of theirs) j/k

As for right-wing views... well, they rock. Period. Tell people so. I do all the time. That either gets the conversation going, or people go away and leave you alone,

 

[Pirch80]

I am almost the very same way. In high school I was extremely shy and I wouldn't talk to anybody at all. For the first two years I kept extremely quiet and it was hard later in my life. Right now it's good to talk to people because your friends will know that you're shy and that you're trying to improve. When you talk you learn what to say and when to say stuff. Right now I admit I sometimes say good stuff and sometimes not the right stuff. And unfortunately I have acne so it's my voice that must get people to talk to me. I find the coffeehouses are awfully good to talk (even though I don't drink coffee) because it's a relaxed environment and you're not all stressed.

 

[Saxman]

Thanks Pirch, I am glad you are getting over your shyness. I also had awful acne as a teen and dreadful insecurity about my looks. Even now at 20 it is still rather bad. In fact I still feel I am unattractive, which probably contributes to my shyness with girls.

I think I would be helped if more people considered me shy rather than just rude or stuck up. You see my brand of shyness is just holding back and trying to keep my distance for fear of getting hurt. I come across as rather cool as I am afraid that if I show anyone I like them without being sure that they like me it sets me up for rejection. I can hold eye contact and don't blush or stutter, but it takes a lot of effort for me to talk to someone and when I get there I can rarely keep a conversation going and there are a lot of silences.
Rationally I know my behaviour is counterproductive and perpetuates my situation, but I cannot seem to help it.

Is it a good idea to tell people that you are shy and are sorry if you do not seem to be very sociable?

Athalia that is great advice. If I try and keep things low key and just ask girls for coffee or something, then if they say no then I haven't made it too obvious that I like them. What sort of things do you girls like being asked about yourself?

Oh and maybe I should be a bit more outspoken about my right-wing views, athough it is usually considered bad form to argue with people, and unfortunately only people over 70 and a dying breed of Young Conservatives seem to agree with my views.

 

[Lilly of the Valley]

For me anything goes, as long as it's not too personal and makes me feel uncomfortable, like past relationships or really personal things about people I know. It's nice to be asked about my likes and dislikes. Like do I like sports, what I do for fun, etc.

 

[Pirch80]

Luckily now most of the people I meet are from college. In college you sort of feel more confident to talk because you "feel" equal to the rest of the people. I know younger in high school I always felt inferior to girls. Luckily now in college I know I'm on the same level as them and I can talk about whatever class we're in and also I like to break the ice by being funny. Only problem is alot of the girls up in college are either married, have kids, or they're too old.

In my case there's this one girl I possibly like but problem is she's a VERY good friend and she's like 14 years older than me. I'm 23 and she's like 38 or something. I'm much taller and look bigger but the age is a problem. Plus I'm not too sure she has any idea I like her. I'm not too sure if she would even give me a chance as a possible boyfriend. It's hard to distinguish it when you get older LOL.

 

[Saxman]

Pirch what I would advise you to do is to keep her as a friend, and ask her for advice and help for girls you like closer to your own age. A 17 year age gap would be fraught with difficulties and you are both at very different stages of your life.

 

[Pirch80]

That was what I was partially thinking too. I like having her for a friend because she keeps me on my toes in classes. So hopefully something will work out and I'll find a nice girl out there LOL

 

[vibrant]

nice girl?

she's a woman.

 

[matt84]

Sax, i am the Same way (though i think it comes mainly from being homeschooled from preschool through highschool and not being able to get out of the house because we live way out in the country to meet people), I can strike up a conversation with an adult 30+ without any problem but when it comes to anyone my age its hard for me, I just Try to avoid it. The people i do know (Friends at work), i have NO Problem with.

 

[Meg486]

Hi Saxman,
I use to be very shy like that but then discovered a trick. Focus on others. I know your probably think how I am shy, but trust me it does work. I started small with simple compliments or simple questions. I would say something like what did you think of (certain movie,class,professor,etc? For a compliment I usually say something positive about their personality, eyes,smile,etc. I really admire the way you helped that person out. Sincere compliments work the best but questions also show your taking an interest in someone else which makes you less shy and by showing interest in them they are more likey to show interest in you in return.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Hey Saxman, you sound a lot like how I used to be. My two cents of advice for ya? First of all, don't try to pretend to be something you're not. I've made that mistake, and only recently have I learned to work with instead of against the way God made me. We all aren't meant to be extroverts, or even act like them. You say your strengths are one-on-one conversations, and your weaknesses are being in large groups, and feeling ignored? Haha, again, you sound exactly like me, and what I do is take advantage of what I'm good at, and use it. I'm not much for groups, so I'm content with the occasional comment in groups, but I mostly listen. (If the group's organized, like a Bible study or class, then I talk more. Haha, I'm weird that way.) In one-on-one situations I'm very comfortable with initiating them, and sometimes I never shut up

Second, acne is EVIL, isn't it?!?! I've had it too... and I hate it!!! Haha. I know all too well the psychological trauma it causes. In my case, I blew it up to a lot worse than it was (my skin wasn't actually as bad as I perceived it to be, though I have been going to a dermatologist since sixth grade...if you haven't been to one yet, I highly recommend it!). People really don't stare at your skin all the time, though, and there is a lot more to attractiveness than clear skin. Look at your good points, physically, and work with 'em. For example, I like my medium-thick, long blonde hair... so I highlight it to brighten it up even more, and I wear it down to let it shine

I certainly don't want a super outgoing guy... with my personality, there's no way that would ever work! So, girls don't all look for the outgoing ones. So long as you're able to take initiative when it's called for, you'll be fine For me, I need the guy to take initiative in actually defining a relationship, as in, are we boyfriend/girlfriend now... where is this heading, etc. Most or all the Christian girls I know agree with that... and as for doing that, just push yourself... make yourself take initiative whether you want to or not. You'll grow into it over time

I know how frustrating it is when it seems like your personality's off or not "normal" 'cause that's my life story... but God knew exactly what He wanted when He made ya, and He has awesome plans He'll carry out in your life... and there are things He can do in your life that He CAN'T use outgoing people for... so enjoy being you!

 

[In need of god]

I'm the same way you are saxman. I have real bad anxiety problems and stress so thats a big problem for me. I'm personally not willing to make the first move on any girl because I hate the idea of rejection and its just not worth it to me. I think its really by being young and everyone our age is naive, and yes we all are. I am shy and hate the idea of seeing a girl I like get taken by another guy because I dont have the initiative to make a move. But its not a biggie, more then likely it wouldn't last anyway. But you know what there might be a odd type of benefit to being shy and reserved and keeping to yourself like me. Might seem a bit mysterious in a way and unknown. I sort of get a kick out of it myself. I make myself seen but not out to get attention. It works in my favor because I am attractive and females are intimidated by me but I am just as much by them. I'm more shy in groups and talking to a girl I like in public and risking public humiliation, its not as bad if no one is around. Also I think that being shy to me means having more respect for a girl. A not so shy guy might be willing to use her and then dump her if you know what I mean, not necessarily but thats how I see it. I think it will be easier when you and me are around 25 or so trying to ask a 20 or so year old out. Maturity is important and makes a big difference. I have no problem talking to anyone older then me in their twenties so I dont think i'll have to much of a problem doing so when i'm asking one out later on. I believe in a few years it will be easy for you and me.