shy kids

[lucypevensie]

Does anyone have a very shy child? My daughter is very shy. I was shy when I was little too (still am, really), and I hated it, I don't want her to hate who she is. I'm comfortable with my shyness now, because I have learned how to make myself be sociable and my life is better when I am polite and sociable. So I want to help her. I don't know how though. I don't want her to try to act like a chatty talky kid when she is not naturally like that. It's OK to be quiet, but at what point does basic courtesy come into play? I mean, like saying "hi" when someone says hi to her. She will ALWAYS look at ME when someone speaks to her. I'll either tell her to go ahead and say hi back, or if they've asked her a question I have to tell her to go ahead and answer it. Sometimes she does, but often she chooses not to answer. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to stand there and make excuses for her--"oh, she's just shy". And I don't want to force a response out of her in an authoritarian manner--that makes EVERYBODY uncomfortable.

Anyway...I 'm not sure what my question is...but, do any of you have a shy child?

 

[Blynn]

My daughter did the same thing. She would not talk to anyone.

It was really bad when she started day care full time. She would not speak at all. I think she was afraid. I would try and encourage her to talk to other kids. I told her that is how she could make some friends. She said didn't want to talk to anyone. She eventually did open up once she started Kintergarden. She made a couple of friends and she would even speak in class. She will say "hi" now if a stranger says "hi" to her or asks her a question.

I think the thing that helped my daughter the most was making some friends. I saw a change in her. She seemed more confident and eventually she wasn't so afraid to speak to other people.

 

[oncewaslost]

i'm a shy kid. i'm mean extremely shy. they kind that when someone actually acknowledges me i get all red-faced and have trouble responding. it's taken me years (along with afterschool activity) to "come out of my shell". i admitt, i do tend to say very little around people. i'm just not a talkative person. ::shrug::

 

[Phoebe]

I was shy, too. One day, my mom told me that I needed to return a greeting or else people would think I was stuck- up. I had to ask what that meant. She told me they'd think that I thought I was better than them. Cured me. I was still a quiet kid, just more polite.
Don't worry too much about how much she talks, just what she says when she does talk.
What cured me of some of my shyness? I became a waitress! Shyness is often a lack of self- confidence. (Not self esteem)
You could ask a professional how you can help to build her confidence a little.

 

[lucypevensie]

Yeah, we've actually been considering professional advice. We also have a few good mentoring-type people in our church that we'd like to talk to about this. It's probably not a really huge deal, but if it worries us as much as it does it can't hurt to talk to some trustworthy people.

 

[Kristen]

My kids are NOT shy, they love EVERYBODY!! My 4 year old will hold a conversation with anybody, my teenager was the same way.

 

[fairyshyone]

My daughter at 3 would talk with anyone, as she has grown she as became shy like me. I often worry about her because she is a lonier. She will sit at recess and read a book or just watch the other kids playing. I have asked her about it and she assures me she is fine. That she is happy with herself and likes to watch others. She does have friends, they just dont go to her school. She even has some in her school and they come over and spend the night and things. It still worries me because she is so much like I was as a child. I just happen to have a twin sister whom I could always play with. She was just as outgoing as I was shy.

 

[lucypevensie]

Things are looking better now. Sometimes the best solution to a problem is time. We've prayed about it some too. She has become much more talkative since this post was made in September. Today her Sunday School teacher told me that she was belting out the songs in class and was doing the hand motions like crazy. She's excited to go to school in the fall and gets excited about going to swimming lessons. She's doing much better.

 

[dragonRS]

My 11 year old daughter is beyond shy. It is becoming a real problem at school. She is fine at home, but in public, it's like she is afraid of people. I just don't undertsand. And I'm at a loss on how I can get her out of her shell. For years, people said, "she'll outgrow it". Well, she hasn't! And now she appears rude or anti-social. The killer was today ... I received a call from the school conselor. She told me my daughter really has no friends and she eats all alone. I had no idea it was so serious! She gets pushed around by the popular kids who seem to think it's funny to pick on such a timid girl. I resorted to making an appointment with a psychologist. I'm not sure where to turn. I can't force her to not be shy. I can't force other kids to befriend her. My heart aches for her. Any suggestions??

 

[Didymus]

my husband is quiet and my sister is shy so i know thw difference. when we were little my sisiter used to run and hide when even people she knew came to the house. she got better until college when she became almosr recluse. what we didnt know was that by then she was in the early stages of the chemocal imbalence which causes agrophobia. she was housebound for 11 years. it starts at puberty

NOW DONT PANIC but it is something you might want to look into. BUT you will need a pshciatrist to prescribe meds if needed. J also had awful panic attacks. now that she is on the right meds she is a new person.

 

[psycmajor]

I ache for everybody's kids here, and especially DragonRS's.

I found some (okay, several) links that you might find helpful:

http://teachingtreasures.com.au/Danger zone/friends.htm
http://www.boystownpediatrics.org/ParentTips/makefriends.asp
http://akak.essortment.com/howtomakefrie_pot.htm
http://kyky.essortment.com/howtomakefrie_rlfy.htm
http://www.users.bigpond.com/rdoolan/friends.html
http://www.thomas.org.br/ctjnews/students_3.php
http://www.parent.net/article/archive/friends.shtml
http://www.planetshowcase.com/howtomakefriends.html
http://www.pacificpress.com/kids/resource/friends.htm
http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire343.htm
http://www.kidscape.org.uk/childrenteens/makingfriends/1makingfriends.shtml
http://www.glfamily.com/html/mj-99/mj-99-four.html
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671723650/102-3540420-6848962?vi=glance
http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html


Now. From my past experience, IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO MERELY TELL YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS. It is important that YOU, the PARENT, set an example for HOW TO BE A FRIEND. In other words, go out in public and show yourself as being friendly to other people. Let your children "hang out" with you when you're with your friends so that they can watch you in action. This is called "modelling behavior" in psychology.

Yes, I know that this will be difficult for the shy parent who themselves may not have many friends. However, if you really want your child to be more sociable than yourself, you must set an example yourself for how to be a friend to others. Parental passivity is not going to help your child.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

My mom used to take me around the block to help me look for kids to play with. Somewhere I wound up changing. I guess I am comfortable with myself now. I still keep to myself for the most part.
The shy kids are always the most interesting.

 

[Marie]

I used to be shy.

Now I'm just quiet.

I used to have such a fear of people. It just took me realizing that people are people, just like I am before I really got over it. I also got more involved in things, to build my confidence a bit. That really helped.

But there is a difference between shy and quiet. Shy is borderlined fear. Quiet is simply....quiet...doesn't talk much. Like me, hehe, I love being in the company of other people, but I usually don't say much. I love hearing about what other people have to say, or whatever may be going on in their lives (after all- I pretty much know everything there is to know about me j/k)

 

[E-beth]

Dragon,

I was always the social little kid, lighting up a room and the life of the party. Then in fifth grade I suddenly was afraid to talk in school, I felt like I was always gonna say something stupid, and I felt like everybody was looking at me.

This continued through my teens. I had friends, but did not make friends easily. Still, around authority figures and people I felt were better than me I would just not say anything at all, for fear that I would say something stupid. When my family moved several times in my latter high school years, I became a recluse and never talked to anyone at school. In college I did betterm, as I became involved in theatre. I could perform and speak publicly, but if invited to a party with people I didn't know well, I would be a mess.

To make a long story short, it is not just shyness. I have social anxiety disorder. It isn;t that I don't want to talk to new people; it is that I can't. My brain gets all jumbled up and the words won't come because I feel so much pressure to not embarass myself. Do some research. There are tests and things to dtermine if SA is a real possibility. After living this way for over 20 years, I am finally getting better with medication.

If you think your daughter might have SA, please feel free to PM or email me with questions. I don't want to see anybody stuggle as long as I did with this.

 

[fieldmouse3]

I've got to agree with everyone who's said not to force your kids to be less shy. THAT"S NOT THE WAY TO GO!!! I was very shy as a kid, and I had a teacher in second grade who used to try and do that. Don't get me wrong, this guy was a good teacher, the one that every kid wanted to get, and he made school fun. However, he had a habit of doing goofy things in class (like putting people in clean garbage cans, or hanging them from the ceiling on their birthdays, or putting their shoes in the sink..hee hee...sounds funny now). The thing is, he'd ALWAYS choose the shy kids to do this to, in an attempt to bring them out of their shells. I was chosen quite often, and let me tell you...it didn't work. It just made more scared and withdrawn, and it was humiliating to have attention drawn to me in that way.

 

[Misnomer]

I'm extremely shy most of the time. My main problem is a fear of rejection. But the thing is if I get to know someone I am extroverted. My big complaint when I was younger was that everyone wanted me to change but I never saw it as a problem. It's just a part of who I am. Good luck helping your kids make friends and stuff just don't push too hard or they might withdraw more.

 

[psycmajor]

Misnomer

I really know what you mean. The only time I have a problem with my own shyness is when I feel like someone else is judging me because of it.

 

[lucypevensie]

When I was little my parents would go to the parent-teacher conferences at school and when they came home I always wanted to know what teacher said about me. It was always "She's so quiet but she's a good student!" That made me so mad that my quietness is the only thing they commented on specifically. I always wondered why they never said anything else. No compliments or credit for other accomplishments, just shy.

I don't tell this story to play sad child victim, but to remind us all who have shy kids to not draw attention to it (like has already been mentioned) and to build up our kids in their other strengths. help them be known for things other than shyness.