Should wives 'lie back and think of England' when they aren't interested in sex?

[Mobiosity]

Husbands and wives should not withhold sex from their spouse on a regular basis. However, it is to be a satisfying experience for both of them, not all for one or the other. Where's the sharing, the bonding, in such a situation as that?

The sharing and bonding comes from each being willing to do for the other. He wants to, she doesn't but does it to make him happy. She wants to, he doesn't but does it to make her happy. Each is giving a special gift to the other. Doing something for someone else and/or someone doing something for you; a nice bonding experience. Each is sharing the pleasure and the sacrifice over the course of the marriage.

 

[chaz345]

In other words, should they just do it? Or should they only have sex when the planets are all aligned and all is right in their world?

Some of both.

For some women, my wife included, they just aren't really ever "in the mood" until things get started. IOW when they aren't in the middle of sex, it rarely if ever really crosses their mind. For women who are like that, actively expressing an interest in being "talked" into being in the mood, is something they should try to do.

To put it another way, with my wife its not so much about her being in the mood, it's about her being willing to try to be in the mood.

And yes obviously there are times when, because of stress or tiredness of to use a term of hers, times where she just can't turn her brain off, that it simply isn't going to happen.

 

[marciebaby]

Is there a reason that one partner isn't interested? Maybe the husband stays late at the office every night, only to come home and finish up a few projects on the computer until everyone else in the house if fast asleep, when he's not traveling for weeks on end, of course. And then maybe if they husband and wife ever go out to dinner, the husband spends the entire time e-mailing his boss with his iphone and not participating in any type of conversation with his wife. THEN he gets his feathers ruffled when his wife isn't really interested in sex all that much anymore.

Or something like that.

 

[chaz345]

Is there a reason that one partner isn't interested? Maybe the husband stays late at the office every night, only to come home and finish up a few projects on the computer until everyone else in the house if fast asleep, when he's not traveling for weeks on end, of course. And then maybe if they husband and wife ever go out to dinner, the husband spends the entire time e-mailing his boss with his iphone and not participating in any type of conversation with his wife. THEN he gets his feathers ruffled when his wife isn't really interested in sex all that much anymore.

Or something like that.

Yeah, of course, that's it. The only reason a wife would ever be disinterested is because the husband is like the guy you describe. NOT!!

Sorry for the sarcasm but something like what you describe is often the justification given for a woman consistantly refusing her husband. CAN what you describe happen? Absolutely. DOES it happen? Absolutely. But why is something like that so often assumed to be the main reason for a woman's refusal? Why is it assumed that a woman refusing sex has a good reason, but a man who has a hard time with emotional connection or romance is just a selfish jerk?

 

[Mobiosity]

Because a man who has a hard time with emotional connection or romance is a selfish jerk.

 

[LyraJean]

Lie back and think of England is what Queen Victoria told her daughter after her daughter asked her about sex when she got married.

 

[LyraJean]

Yeah, of course, that's it. The only reason a wife would ever be disinterested is because the husband is like the guy you describe. NOT!!

Sorry for the sarcasm but something like what you describe is often the justification given for a woman consistantly refusing her husband. CAN what you describe happen? Absolutely. DOES it happen? Absolutely. But why is something like that so often assumed to be the main reason for a woman's refusal? Why is it assumed that a woman refusing sex has a good reason, but a man who has a hard time with emotional connection or romance is just a selfish jerk?

Well I wouldn't marry someone like that and I didn't. And hey I didn't get married to be a sexual object to be there whenever he has an urge to fill. And that is what that situation is implying.

 

[heart of peace]

Yes, I think so and it should go both ways but I would leave the "think of England" part out.

 

[Created2Write]

Because a man who has a hard time with emotional connection or romance is a selfish jerk.

Um, actually, usually it's the woman being overly sensetive and self-centered, and refusing to ask her husband WHY he has a hard time with emotional connections and romance that's the problem. And I speak from experience.

My husband was raised in a very non-emotional and non-romantic family. His mom loved things like four wheeling, quading, and stuff like that. She was not romantic at ALL. She was the only girl raised with two brothers. My husband never, once, saw anything romantic done between his parents. It just was NOT their personality, either one of them.

Then, he married me. And, BOY did he get a wake up call. I am the single most romantic person he has ever met, and we have struggled since the beginning of our dating relationship on romance. Was he being a selfish jerk? NO. He was simply ignorant. He didn't know what made me tick. And I was on the other end, all butt hurt and ready to blame and point fingers. It took us out entire dating relationship, engagement and into the fist six months of our marriage to get it right.

Was he unwilling to be romantic at first? Yes, but not because he was a selfish jerk. He just didn't understand how important it was to me. And I was too emotionally distrught over him not being romantic to explain things to him. Once I finally did, he got it! I wrote out a nice long list of things I believe are romantic, and he does a new one every day.

 

[LyraJean]

Um, actually, usually it's the woman being overly sensetive and self-centered, and refusing to ask her husband WHY he has a hard time with emotional connections and romance that's the problem. And I speak from experience.

My husband was raised in a very non-emotional and non-romantic family. His mom loved things like four wheeling, quading, and stuff like that. She was not romantic at ALL. She was the only girl raised with two brothers. My husband never, once, saw anything romantic done between his parents. It just was NOT their personality, either one of them.

Then, he married me. And, BOY did he get a wake up call. I am the single most romantic person he has ever met, and we have struggled since the beginning of our dating relationship on romance. Was he being a selfish jerk? NO. He was simply ignorant. He didn't know what made me tick. And I was on the other end, all butt hurt and ready to blame and point fingers. It took us out entire dating relationship, engagement and into the fist six months of our marriage to get it right.

Was he unwilling to be romantic at first? Yes, but not because he was a selfish jerk. He just didn't understand how important it was to me. And I was too emotionally distrught over him not being romantic to explain things to him. Once I finally did, he got it! I wrote out a nice long list of things I believe are romantic, and he does a new one every day.

But from what you describe his parents did things that they both enjoyed doing. While four-wheeling isn't considered a romantic thing if both people enjoy doing it couldn't that make it romantic.

The previous situation the man described is a work-a-holic not even trying to connect to his wife yet still expecting a warm welcome when he wanted sex.

 

[marciebaby]

Chaz, your sarcasm really did hurt my feelings. All that I was trying to suggest (in a round about sort of way), that if things aren't clicking in the bedroom the way they should, maybe one (or preferably both!) both parties should try look at their own behavior to see if there are ways of improving the relationship. Studies show that couples with the most satisfying relationships have the most satisfying sex. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I was just trying to share my thoughts. I didn't realize that my opinion would offend anyone.

 

[Created2Write]

Chaz, your sarcasm really did hurt my feelings. All that I was trying to suggest (in a round about sort of way), that if things aren't clicking in the bedroom the way they should, maybe one (or preferably both!) both parties should try look at their own behavior to see if there are ways of improving the relationship. Studies show that couples with the most satisfying relationships have the most satisfying sex. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I was just trying to share my thoughts. I didn't realize that my opinion would offend anyone.

I would agree that both parties should work on it. I don't think chaz was necessarily offended at the statement, but I do think he makes a perfectly valid point. While the husband in the scenerio you offered did seem to be cold-hearted, I don't think it's fair to assume that it's entirely the husband's fault.

I know I get upset when people place blame entirely on one spouse, without looking to see if they themselves could improve. I'm not saying the husband you described was right to be the way he was, but nor is it fair to say he's just being a jerk, without knowing the entire circumstance. When my husband is upset, he has a tendancy to shut me out until he's over his anger and can talk about it. And if all I do is gripe, nit-pick, nag and get all emotional while he's trying to cool down, it takes him even longer to sit back and think about his own actions. I've known couples where this can go on for days and days, with nothing but resentment between the two. The husband resents the wife for whatever act caused him to get upset in the first place, the wife resents the husband for being distant, the husband resents the wife for being emotional, and then when the husband wants sex, the wife is too upset and feels like she's being used.

BOTH parties are wrong, in this case. Now, I am sure there are marriages where the husband is just distant and cold, and it seems nothing the wife does makes a difference. But, with the little bit of study I have done, I've noticed that there's always something that can be done to help the husband. Even if it's as small as not nagging.

 

[MsAnne]

Sorry for the belated response. I stopped coming to CF when the "Search Posts" function was disabled, and have just now come back.
Now, as far as the OP...... I have never had enough functioning brain cells during sex to "think of England" or anything else. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be "not interested". Thank you, Baby!

 

[Luther073082]

Depends

If the couple already has a regular sex life and the woman isn't interested in sex at that particular moment then, no I don't think she should be required to have sex.

But if she's never or very rarely interested in sex then at some point she (or the spouse if the roles are reversed) aught to bite the bullet and just do it.

Now I also think that in that process both spouses should also do the following.

1. If they have low to no interest in sex (because of some problem they have) they should endeavor to seek ways to rectify the situation.

2. Both should also make effort to be and remain attractive to their spouse.

There are so many factors that go into this. If one person lets themselves go and gains 300 pounds, there is a good chance their spouses lack of interest in sex is their own fault. But at the time when your spouse is 55 years old you can't expect him/her to look or have the sexual desire that they had when they where 25.

Eventually it really just comes down to loving your spouse in a self sacrificing way. Sex is a legitimate desire just as much as other desires that you have from your spouse. And if you love your spouse in a self sacrificing way, often times you have to do things that you may not want to do. Sex isn't an exception.

 

[With Love Sherri]

If lying on the back, thinking of england, and spreading the legs is considered sex, we have a problem. lol You have to wonder about that description, that it implies theres no passion or intimate touching between the two, then what is going through the man's mind who is doing it? He may as well use a blow up doll, and that to me, is disgusting. Both should be somewhat willing and comfortable with it, otherwise the woman's body would just be a tool for her husband.

Personally, if I am not in the mood for sex, I ALWAYS take care of my husband in other ways, without expecting anything in return. And he's done the same for me. It's about taking care of each other.

 

[Conservativation]

I would agree that both parties should work on it. I don't think chaz was necessarily offended at the statement, but I do think he makes a perfectly valid point. While the husband in the scenerio you offered did seem to be cold-hearted, I don't think it's fair to assume that it's entirely the husband's fault.

I know I get upset when people place blame entirely on one spouse, without looking to see if they themselves could improve. I'm not saying the husband you described was right to be the way he was, but nor is it fair to say he's just being a jerk, without knowing the entire circumstance. When my husband is upset, he has a tendancy to shut me out until he's over his anger and can talk about it. And if all I do is gripe, nit-pick, nag and get all emotional while he's trying to cool down, it takes him even longer to sit back and think about his own actions. I've known couples where this can go on for days and days, with nothing but resentment between the two. The husband resents the wife for whatever act caused him to get upset in the first place, the wife resents the husband for being distant, the husband resents the wife for being emotional, and then when the husband wants sex, the wife is too upset and feels like she's being used.

BOTH parties are wrong, in this case. Now, I am sure there are marriages where the husband is just distant and cold, and it seems nothing the wife does makes a difference. But, with the little bit of study I have done, I've noticed that there's always something that can be done to help the husband. Even if it's as small as not nagging.

There was one big red flag in the post you reacted to. I have no issue at all her being upset with a guy thats emailing during dinner etc.
The rest gets iffy
Its quite subjective about how much he works. (im excluding emailing at dinner for petes sake thats ridculous unless he is a Dr oncall or something). This sometimes presents a rock and hard place....provide, but dont spend any more time than I THINK you need to

But the biggest red flag was even MENTIONING travel. As a guy who bears that burden and have for my 26 year career, with some years not, early in my marriage my wife was impossible on this. It was to the point where I would dread telling her about a trip, and I confess I would even lie, saying I'll be back wednesday when I knew it would be friday and then lying again to say Oh the trip was extended. I did that....I lied. No excuse, but the REASON was I couldnt handle the badgering.

Thats long a thing of the past, no issue at all anymore, and I leave for 2 weeks at a time, which WE BOTH HATE.

Im not sure how its meant, but when I see that even mentioned I get chills and flashbacks about how that was considered like a "marker" for her to call in, like the entire time I was home I had zero control of my schedule "because you are gone so much". I had no personal decision power at all. I was working (travel) or adhering to her schedule 100%.

That traveling is even considered in weighing how romantic he is is a bad thing. In my opinion he shouldnt be expected to be "especially" attentive when he is home. IOW of course the husband should be romantic and attentive, but using his necessary travel as leverage to get even MORE, and demand it....is a huge problem and red flag.

 

[Conservativation]

If lying on the back, thinking of england, and spreading the legs is considered sex, we have a problem. lol You have to wonder about that description, that it implies theres no passion or intimate touching between the two, then what is going through the man's mind who is doing it? He may as well use a blow up doll, and that to me, is disgusting. Both should be somewhat willing and comfortable with it, otherwise the woman's body would just be a tool for her husband.

Personally, if I am not in the mood for sex, I ALWAYS take care of my husband in other ways, without expecting anything in return. And he's done the same for me. It's about taking care of each other.

My wife too, she fluffs the pillows and says "sleep well"

just kidding

 

[shinbits]

edit

 

[With Love Sherri]

My wife too, she fluffs the pillows and says "sleep well"

just kidding

LOL good one

 

[Created2Write]

There was one big red flag in the post you reacted to. I have no issue at all her being upset with a guy thats emailing during dinner etc.
The rest gets iffy
Its quite subjective about how much he works. (im excluding emailing at dinner for petes sake thats ridculous unless he is a Dr oncall or something). This sometimes presents a rock and hard place....provide, but dont spend any more time than I THINK you need to

But the biggest red flag was even MENTIONING travel. As a guy who bears that burden and have for my 26 year career, with some years not, early in my marriage my wife was impossible on this. It was to the point where I would dread telling her about a trip, and I confess I would even lie, saying I'll be back wednesday when I knew it would be friday and then lying again to say Oh the trip was extended. I did that....I lied. No excuse, but the REASON was I couldnt handle the badgering.

Thats long a thing of the past, no issue at all anymore, and I leave for 2 weeks at a time, which WE BOTH HATE.

Im not sure how its meant, but when I see that even mentioned I get chills and flashbacks about how that was considered like a "marker" for her to call in, like the entire time I was home I had zero control of my schedule "because you are gone so much". I had no personal decision power at all. I was working (travel) or adhering to her schedule 100%.

That traveling is even considered in weighing how romantic he is is a bad thing. In my opinion he shouldnt be expected to be "especially" attentive when he is home. IOW of course the husband should be romantic and attentive, but using his necessary travel as leverage to get even MORE, and demand it....is a huge problem and red flag.

Oh, I completely agree. I wasn't trying to make light of what she'd said. Just had stuff on my mind.

God bless the two of you for hanging on with such a hectic schedule. I'm glad to hear your wife doesn't have a problem with it now. I'm sure that was hard for you.