Should this bother me?

[MJ421]

I think when I was young, about 6, I was molested by my babysitter. I have this one memory that I've had for a long time, ever since I was 8, of her undressing in front of me, and another memory of what I think to be later when I was very hesitant to come around her.

I only put this together last year when I was discussing the causes of homosexuality, and the subject molestation came up, and initially I dismissed it, but after thinking about it, I put together my fetish, if you will, with redhead with fair skin, which happens to be exactly what my babysitter was.

Coincidence, maybe, but coupled with the memory, I dunno. But if it is true, should it bother me? Because honestly, I feel nothing. No anger, no joy, nothing inbetween. It's like, "I was molested when I was 6, oh hey, American Idol's on tonight."

Though I wonder how I would feel if I could actually remember. Huh, what a trip.

 

[sethad]

It's possible you were abused. However with the little bit you remember I doubt prosecution is possible.

However abuse doesnt cause homosexuality and it may not cause your "fetish" as you call it.

And if it was just a one time thing and you dont really remember it that may be why it doesnt bother you. That and everybody responds to abuse differently.

 

[dousmile4jesus]

I think when I was young, about 6, I was molested by my babysitter. I have this one memory that I've had for a long time, ever since I was 8, of her undressing in front of me, and another memory of what I think to be later when I was very hesitant to come around her.

I only put this together last year when I was discussing the causes of homosexuality, and the subject molestation came up, and initially I dismissed it, but after thinking about it, I put together my fetish, if you will, with redhead with fair skin, which happens to be exactly what my babysitter was.

Coincidence, maybe, but coupled with the memory, I dunno. But if it is true, should it bother me? Because honestly, I feel nothing. No anger, no joy, nothing inbetween. It's like, "I was molested when I was 6, oh hey, American Idol's on tonight."

Though I wonder how I would feel if I could actually remember. Huh, what a trip.

I suggest that you find a counselor and discuss it with them. Often, people who have been molested or assaulted block out the trauma. Counslors can help us to talk out our past and bring back memories we didn't know we had. I hope that you will think this over and seek assistance. ><>

 

[Anna N. Amos]

The memory comes back in snap shots in time. They are usually uncomfortable and you do not know why, or you may be aroused at the sight of red hair because your body responded to sexual advances. Or repulsed by it because your body recalls the fear at this woman&#8217;s body. And yes, this can be seeds to rock your sexual predilections. As a woman who only likes OLD men, may discover she was attacked by her grandfather&#8230; These things that happen can warp, shape or take our sexuality askew of &#8220;the program&#8221;

With me, I had a few snap shots frozen in time and some odd quirks that made no sense.

The snap shots were linked but I did not know why. I recall going into the woods with my little friend Karen. I recalled playing tea party and then leaving but I had no memory of what happened in the woods.

There was a barn and farmhouse there and I always felt odd looking at the farm house for no reason... I hated flannel, smells would wig me out and God forbid anyone should hold me down to tickle me.

In my life, I could not type, it was as if I was independent of my hands, I could not play the guitar anymore.... so on and so on.

Then, one day this Christian woman walked up to me and said, "I am praying for your childhood memories." I thought that's nice. Then, I was always being sucked into this black hole of depression and never knew the triggers.

So, I went to Jesus that night and asked him to show me what happened in the woods, and he allowed the memories to come back as I safely sat with him.

IT explained my quirks, all kinds of things.

I was attacked by 5 boys in the woods when I was six. (They wore flannel, thus my contempt for flannel)

The reason it is hard to recall is because at six years old you do not understand what rape, assault, molestation etc. is. You have no understanding of anything sexual, really...

So years later, when you begin to feel sexual sometimes a distant bell sounds off in your mind that says, "This is bad" or I recall this, I liked it and you keep exploring it. As if your body and your mind were split long ago. Your body experienced something your mind could not fathom. Years later your body and mind are still trying to reconcile. Physical FEELINGS, like a tingle when you are attracked to someone can be traced back to its early beginings. One of the boys that attacked me called me UGLY. The other said, "Don't say that, she is fiesty and cute."

So, in a way he was my hero. I did not understand why they removed clothes, but I understood that being called ugly wasn't very nice. As a result, in later years I was drawn to "the bad boy." And he could be very mean to me, and as long as he gave me a crumb of kindness I thought he was Mr. Wonderful... It set me up to accept abuse.

Your body recalls the event but you were not old enough to even have WORDS to tell someone what happened. Your vocabulary catches up years later and you have this lapse of understanding, this hole in your past. But your body remembers the feelings. And even though it was inappropriate, your body can respond because we were built with responses.

Boys get raped. They have erections out of fear during an assault. This really confuses you --- Gee, I must have LIKED it as my body responded... Talk about confusion....

My hands became almost like strangers. Because I could not accept what they had done, they made me touch nasty stuff..... Thus, I was unable to trust them to find the right keys to type, or the correct notes on the guitar anymore. It was all pulled forward from that event in the woods that day.

Takes a lot to sort it all out.

There is a great book called, "Freeing the mind from Memories that Bind" by Litauer. It can be helpful.

I also called the rape crisis hotline and told them -- I think I was raped 30 years ago....

Good luck in your journey to health, it is a bumpy road but worth the trip.