Should I tell him

[BabySteps1]

Hi

I ask for no judgement just understanding.

I was in a relationship with this guy for over a year. Prior to that we'd been seeing each other for 8 months. During that time he has constantly lied to me and I forgave him a lot. I stand by honesty and openness, its part of my morals. As we got into a relationship I was determined to keep it that way however after a while he began to take me for granted and wasn't putting any effort into the relationship so I called for a break. During this time two things happened.

1) I was being comforted by a friend and I was lying on the bed. He then started touching me and kissing my neck. I didn't stop him for a few seconds then I told him to stop and asked him to leave

2) Another friend of mine kissed me and I kissed him back.

After the second incident I completely ended the relationship with my boyfriend. He immediately came round and begged for me to take him back and that things would change. I did and they didn't.

I felt bad for keeping secrets so I told him about the first incident two months later, however I left out the part that we were on a bed. He flipped out at me and started to demand that I told the truth about everything. I understand that he had a right to be mad but his anger was scary. He broke things, swore, threatened to beat him up....

I found that I couldn't tell him about the second incident because of the way he reacts. So I told him the friend came onto me but I didn't mention the kiss. He then begged me to tell me if anything else had happened, I said nothing.

It has been nearly eight months since those issues and the boyfriend and I have split up two months ago. We still love each other and want to get back together and work things out.

However, do I

1) Leave the relationship alone since it was also dysfunctional and keep it to myself
2) Tell him and leave the relationship alone
3) Take some time out, work on myself and tell him before we get back together

I have been honest about everything else in our relationship and the guilt is eating me up inside. I didn't feel bad about it at the time so why now? The main thing he's going to be mad about it the fact that I has taken me so long to tell him. His love for me is so strong and passionate that he can be overbearing with his anger but he'd never lay a hand on me.

Please help me, pray for me and advise me.

Thank you

 

[dayhiker]

As far as I'm concern if someone acts that violent when you tell him a minor think like a kiss or someone came on to you, I'd say to get away from him as fast as you can.

Also not good if he says things will change and they don't.

Thanks how I view it.

 

[russianorth]

He might not lay a hand on you but if he goes after these other guys and things get way out of hand he could find himself in jail, them dead or him dead. These days people are getting a little less tolerant of this kind of aggression and it could escalate really quick. Alot of people carry concealed weapons these day as well too.

If he lives this kind of life style then he has a chance of dying by this kind of life style, most people dont like people taking swings at them and if your boy friend is stronger, bigger or more skilled the person being attacked may just decide to shoot him.

So you have to decide if you want to be involved in that kind of life style. This is not a situation where he is trying to protect you from some guy in a ski mask outside your bed room, you invited these other guys in.

 

[BabySteps1]

He has a temper but he is not in any way constantly violent towards me. It is only when it comes to other guys. He is not carrying weapons or going to jail. He is a sweet person in general

 

[High Fidelity]

I'd just end it and try and avoid a confrontation.

 

[russianorth]

He has a temper but he is not in any way constantly violent towards me. It is only when it comes to other guys. He is not carrying weapons or going to jail. He is a sweet person in general

There is a high probability that these other guys he gets violent with could be carrying a weapon or be more violent than he is. When I was single and looking for a mate I carryed a gun, its a jungle out there.

 

[livinNlovin]

If you and your boyfriend decide to be together again, you could just be honest, apologize and sort things out. If he really loves you, he'll forgive you and move on being with you. Past is past and we couldn't change anything about it, but we have control over the things to come. Hope everything will turn out right.

 

[Nobadee]

You had two guys come onto in what seemed like a relatively short amount of time. That to me suggests to me something in of itself. You seem young and probably have a high demand for physical affection; consider it a personality trait. These men you were with probably cued in on this and you being you, created an inviting atmosphere for them to pursue you easily.

I won't go so far as to assume that you did this intentionally. It could have surely been accidentally, as I said, I assume you are young and have seen this happen with a lot of young extroverted women. They had natural ability to connect with people intimately and it is difficult to control or turn off at will, especially when it is making you feel really comfortable.

You expressed a great bit of detail about your ex-boyfriend's personality. He seems emotionally immature and because of this, you feel insecure with him as well. That is what is defined as a toxic relationship, where two people's negative traits reciprocate, thus instigating a series of problems that never end. You had two encounters with me and were so afraid of the guy that you had to hide the truth from him. It is clear that you know what you did was wrong; but, you also don't feel confident that you have control over own abilities at the moment. That being said, if you did get back with him, what is to stop another encounter from happening again? And if that happened, you would be stressed by even more pressure to hold back the truth, knowing how angry he would get.

My suggestion is to stay away from him physically. I know you will feel that temptation to get back with him if you talk for awhile; but, that is your desire for affection speaking to you. You need to learn to control that or it will cause you a lot of problems later in your life. It's not a problem if you learn how to channel it constructively; but, undisciplined, you can end up causing a lot of grief in your relationships.

The first thing you could start working on is establishing boundaries. Not just for you; but, for others in your life. You need to make those boundaries clear so that it is known when they are crossed. You want guys who respect you; well, you had two guys make a move on you, that both knew you were in a relationship. Are those the kinds of people you would consider to be respectful of you? Certainly not; because, they were thinking about their own interests at the time. It didn't help though that firm boundaries were not established, this is why they seemed so bold. You were in compromising positions during both encounters that could have been avoided if you were more vigilant.

I am not trying to sound condescending, I am hoping to help you realize that you need to analyze yourself deeply and learn exactly who you are and determine how to take control of your life. Learning how you as an individual gains energy and utilizes it, will be a life long process; but, once you understand it, you can become a master of you.