Should I speak to dad again?

[Vollkommen Warrior]

1

 

[water_ripple]

I have some similar difficulties with members of my family which includes the in-laws as well. I have noticed that people will only use guilt as a way to inforce mind games if you let them. If a member of the family tries to involve me in a mind game I do not respond in any way. I have found that if I do respond it feeds the game and makes things more complicated. Anger and resentment though haven't been an effective way for me to deal with these situations. If I have offended someone though I do seek forgiveness, unless they use this as a method of control. I submit to the will of God, not to the will of man. If I am confronted with anger I try and respond with love as best I can. Being human though sometimes I mess up. I try and remember this when I have to deal with problems.

As a parent I have decided that nobody is going to manipulate my children into getting what they want out of me...This happened to me as a child and I know how it feels... I have decided that they can either love our children or they can choose to not be a part of their lives. I will not allow any member of the family to emotionally hurt or confuse them. I have drawn the line in the sand. Sometimes people are not consciously aware that they are hurting others. Other times they will use it as a weapon for control.

Currently, my mother-in-law and I are not speaking. She is very upset with me. About 2 months ago she came to my house and was standing on the porch. My 2 year old was having a fit, and trying to run out of the house naked (she had just got a bath). Obviously I could not let her run around outside in this state. So I said to my mother-in-law (she was getting ready to leave) I have to get this kid dressed and calmed down so I'll see ya later. I said good-bye and shut the door. She left.

About 2 weeks later she begins to tell everyone that I slammed the door in her face without so much as saying kiss my butt. I was like this didn't happen, but she swears that I personally slammed the door in her face without saying anything to her. Basically not letting her in our house. This is not what happened, but now she refuses to speak to me and constantly talks about me to other members of the family. I choose not to get involved with this b/c what she said happened didn't, and I do not desire to get involved with her method of control. I love her and will be respectful towards her, but I will not involve myself in defending against things I didn't do.

 

[cyberwing]

Dear Sp0ck,
This is really a hard one. We are told to honor our parents by the Lord BUT Jesus doesn't want that translated into become a doormat for them..... As a parent who has had to watch my son go through this nightmare, all I can tell you is, understand your dad will probably not change and you shouldn't expect him to. Try to come to some terms with his foolish behavior and take pity on your Dad for it is truly himself he is hurting in the long run. My son at nine had to finally tell his Dad there were perimeters to the relationship and if he did certain things, my nine year old didn't want to see him anymore. (A counselor told him to do this.)
You see, as a son God says you are a blessing from HIM! To not treasure and respect your own blessings....well, that's foolish. Even when our treasures are very different from us we should ask God for understanding. HE will do that same thing for you, Sp0ck. Let Jesus guide you and you will not go wrong. Go to His Word and study what He says. The Word has every answer for every problem we have, that's why the Word is ALIVE! HE is with us to help us solve, not just theological questions but our everyday problems and dilemnas! Jesus cares! Because He cares, your adopted brothers and sisters care. If I can help futher please feel free to PM me anytime.
~DJ

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

1

 

[cyberwing]

Thanks folks. I am still working on this and your kind words are helpful. Waterripple, sounds like your inlaws are a bit sensitive and maybe demanding and you had your fill before that porch incident. But I pray that God leads us all in the right direction. My father is kind but demands things all the time and kind of goes around with a chip. Compares numbers like how many times I call him to how many times he calls me, how many times we go to in-laws vs how many times over his house. He also gets upset because I bought an uncle a present for his b-day party and only bought my dad a "polo" shirt (yes expensive none-the-less. He then demanded I have the child call the stepmom a grandmother when I feel my mom (passed away) should have only had that title. On top of this he and his wife are constantly looking out for each other so much it seems they overanalyze hoe the other one is treated. Drives me nuts. It just got to the point where I could see they are both extremely insecure and causing problems for me with all the maintenance that had to be done. We haven't spoken as a result in 2 yrs. I got mad at him one night after telling him maybe he should call my bro (they haven't talked in 4 years). He said well my bro can just as easily call him! That attitude po'd me so bad I hung up on him. However, this was after he refused to call me for 6 weeks after the "calling her grandmother" fiasco. I told him to call me after he has gotten emotional help in dealing with insecurities and family members. No call with the news...

I think you did very well, you left the decision up to him as to whether he wants to keep the communication open. Now give this situation to the Lord and place it firmly in His hands and cease to worry over it. Don't take it back and fret over it, keep it in the Lords hands and HE will work things out. I'm very proud of you! You were not unkind you were simply firm and as an adult you have to do that. Pray for him now and I think you have covered the bases well! {{cyber-hug}}
~DJ

 

[desi]

I would not subject my children to such an emotional drain.

 

[cynjo59]

Joyce Landorf refers to this type of person as "Irregular" and has written an excellent book called "Irregular People". I suggest you get a copy, read it and keep it handy. There is NOTHING you can do to change this person but you CAN change how you react to him. Which will make your life a whole lot easier when it comes to dealing with him.

 

[water_ripple]

Joyce Landorf refers to this type of person as "Irregular" and has written an excellent book called "Irregular People". I suggest you get a copy, read it and keep it handy. There is NOTHING you can do to change this person but you CAN change how you react to him. Which will make your life a whole lot easier when it comes to dealing with him.

I haven't read this book so thanx for the suggestion

Since I have found God I do not perceive things the same way I used to...Right now my mother-in-law is still upset with me. I am not upset that she is upset with me. I love her, and I think of her often. I do not desire an apology from her either. I have decided that after getting a slap on the hand (so to speak) so many times that I should pull back my hand before it falls off. I figure when she is ready to accept me and our children the day will come, but in the meantime I refuse to subject myself and our children to emotional confusion.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Thanks for the book reference cynjo59. I will check it out.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Update. I forgot to mention that he did make an effort to contact me in an email a while ago but it was clear to me there was no difference. Meaning, he was reprimanding me and my wife as to our positions in the tree compared to him and talking about how he deserves this and that, mainly reflecting on himself and on and on. I just don't buy positioning by coersion. Meaning, just because someone is older than you doesn't give them the right to dictate. I also find that I want to serve my children, NOT the other way around. I don't want to demand they be and do and act exactly how I want to feed any insecurities I might have. If I have insecurities, I need to work them out on my own, and not bog my children down or not speak to them in result.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

To make a long story short, he is a hyper-sensitive, person who likes to place guilt on loved ones to play power and mind games. He also demands that family members feed his insecurities. His wife (not my mom) is an "enabler" and gets on my nerves in general. No, I am not a disgruntalled teenager who is living under their roof. I am a mature adult who does not rely on them in any way financially. However, we have a small child. AND this parent of mine decides to not come around or give us a silent treatment for months when he does not get his way like a spoiled child.....He usually causes me to jump through hoops and take time and great mental energy to satisfy his insecurity and selfishness. He subconsciously puts himself first before other loved ones and makes me want to try quailudes...I have never had a quailude in my life either.... Any suggestions. Help...?.....

I would say, tell him what's on your mind the nicest way you know how, tell him you're happy to see him but that you don't have time for this. I would suggest telling him that you're happy to see him, the kids would love it, and you're ready for him whenever he decides to come around. I had to do this with a couple members of my family. It was difficult at first, and they really decided to test me on this. But eventually the price of misbehaving got too expensive and things changed. The game is only fun for them when it works.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

So you are suggesting to give them a chance but draw my boundaries. If they don't like it, it's their problem...I could try this I guess.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

So you are suggesting to give them a chance but draw my boundaries. If they don't like it, it's their problem...I could try this I guess.

Exactly. Because as long as you're being controlled, you're giving him the option to control you. It contributes to the behavior. But if you gently set the situation straight, and he invades your boundaries anyhow, then he is the one making the decision to break contact, and he can't blame it on you when you're not looking. You simply asked him to be reasonable.