Should I sign?

[Ellwood3]

I said:

God is a God of grace. The devil is an accuser. I don't find this answer to show Christ-like character. I see nothing in this poster's question or posts suggesting he "never intended to live up to his marriage vows." And the statement that "Reconciliation isn't going to happen" is dangerous.


Leave it up to God.
​

How does this person "leave it up to God" to correct his personal issues that caused his marriage to get to this point.

Does he just sit quietly and wait for a magical message or does he take an active approach to acknowledge reality and get the help he may need?

A good question for an atheist to ask. Honestly. Because if you atheists are correct and there is indeed no God, then you'd be sittin' for a lonngggg time.

But lucky for us, you're wrong: There is a God, and I happen to know Him.

So what I meant, expanded upon, is, trust Him to lead. Follow the light He gives you. There's a wonderful quote I have about three witnesses and glowworms I may post (if I feel like it*; it should be in the public domain, so I don't think I'd be infringing a copyright): Just follow the glowworms, buddy.

I also mean, it is not for us to judge or know what God would do in this specific case. Let's say the poster has things he isn't telling us. (I don't think that's true, but let's be a little like ol' Einstein and do a little thought experiment.) One poster asking this question might be physically dangerous. Should we order his wife back with him? Another poster--like this one--may appear to be going through one of those valleys where faith grows--should we order his wife away?

How can we who aren't God presume to say, reconciliation won't happen? Is that God's opinion or mere human design?

Let God decide whether the marriage stands or falls; follow Him. Not favorite verses giving oneself permission to do what one has already decided. Follow God, and in the end you will know where He was leading.

And thanks, bhsmte; your question gave me a good smile.

Oh yes--almost forgot: when Christ ascended to heaven, ten days later, God sent his Spirit. Those accepting Christ have the Holy Spirit within. He guides.


---------edited to add this, November 6, 2013:

*I do feel like it: This is from F. B. Meyer's book The Secret of Guidance, chapter 1, section 5:

InThe Secret of Guidance by Frederick B. Meyer (chapter 1, section V), Meyer puts the issue of locating God’s path like this:

“Sometimes men sigh for an angel to come to point them their way; that simply indicates that as yet the time has not come for them to move. If you do not know what you ought to do, stand still until you do. And when the time comes for action, circumstances, like glow-worms, will sparkle along your path; and you will become so sure that you are right, when God's three witnesses concur, that you could not be surer though an angel beckoned you on.”


The entire book can be read, free, online at places like the CHRISTIAN CLASSICS ETHEREAL LIBRARY at their site. (Just search for "CCEL" should help you find it.)

 

[bhsmte]

I said:

God is a God of grace. The devil is an accuser. I don't find this answer to show Christ-like character. I see nothing in this poster's question or posts suggesting he "never intended to live up to his marriage vows." And the statement that "Reconciliation isn't going to happen" is dangerous.


Leave it up to God.
​

A good question for an atheist to ask. Honestly. Because if you atheists are correct and there is indeed no God, then you'd be sittin' for a lonngggg time.

But lucky for us, you're wrong: There is a God, and I happen to know Him.

So what I meant, expanded upon, is, trust Him to lead. Follow the light He gives you. There's a wonderful quote I have about three witnesses and glowworms I may post (if I feel like it; it should be in the public domain, so I don't think I'd be infringing a copyright): Just follow the glowworms, buddy.

I also mean, it is not for us to judge or know what God would do in this specific case. Let's say the poster has things he isn't telling us. (I don't think that's true, but let's be a little like ol' Einstein and do a little thought experiment.) One poster asking this question might be physically dangerous. Should we order his wife back with him? Another poster--like this one--may appear to be going through one of those valleys where faith grows--should we order his wife away?

How can we who aren't God presume to say, reconciliation won't happen? Is that God's opinion or mere human design?

Let God decide whether the marriage stands or falls; follow Him. Not favorite verses giving oneself permission to do what one has already decided. Follow God, and in the end you will know where He was leading.

And thanks, bhsmte; your question gave me a good smile.

Oh yes--almost forgot: when Christ ascended to heaven, ten days later, God sent his Spirit. Those accepting Christ have the Holy Spirit within. He guides.

Glad I made you smile.

What is your evidence that an atheist would "sit" instead of acting if they were in a similar circumstance?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

God is a God of grace. The devil is an accuser. I don't find this answer to show Christ-like character. I see nothing in this poster's question or posts suggesting he "never intended to live up to his marriage vows." And the statement that "Reconciliation isn't going to happen" is dangerous.


Leave it up to God.

When it comes to an issue of abuse, it's certainly quite Christ-like to say that a separation is probably for the best, and telling somebody who's admitted to abusing his spouse that he should claim possession of a spouse who's left him... That is dangerous.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I've confessed to my church leadership and to our network of supporters. 1 John says that in our confessing, God will cleanse us of our wickedness. I want so badly to be cleansed of my wickedness.

However, my wife keeps saying I'm not repentant and that I'm minimizing everything. So I keep beating myself up even more. I am always trying to understand her pain and keep a list of sins I've committed against her because a new memory will pop up all the time.

God forgiving you doesn't mean your ex has or should. And if she does, forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.

I know I've failed. I did not cherish her. I thought I was. I was so wrong. But during these past 3 months, it's become horrifying real.

Honestly, I don't think it's really real enough.

It's so hard. The Christian message is of forgiveness and reconciliation. The marriage is the earthly representation of Christ and the church and Christ never gives up on the bride. Never. But how can I as the perpetrator receive this news? I have received forgiveness, but then a new memory pops up about how I have abused her or I hear again from her that I'm minimizing everything. So I beat myself up even more and go through the whole process again.

And that's what healing is all about.

This is when I can only count on the gospel. The world will say there's no hope for the marriage. All the secular books out there that my wife has been reading on abuse say that abusers never change. I know I have narcissistic tendencies and all the books say that narcissists never change. My wife has bought into this fully and is reading through Scripture to prove her grounds for divorce.

It's not a secular thing, it's a science and studies thing. While I'm sure you will manage your problem, you may find that no matter what, those challenges will always be present with her as your spouse. Statistically, this is true. She has a reason and justification to believe this and based off of what you've posted here, you are not nearly at a space where you can say with confidence that you've changed.

In many ways, there is no hope for our marriage or for me.

But I believe Jesus still loves me and that his redemptive power can heal me and our marriage.

Again, considering the problems you're having, this is a statement I'd find alarming if I were her. There is a degree of possessiveness here that, given your issues, is sending up red flags.

Glad I made you smile.

What is your evidence that an atheist would "sit" instead of acting if they were in a similar circumstance?

This is the part where I say not everybody believes as he does with subversive hatred of atheists as is being displayed here.

 

[dw2000]

When it comes to an issue of abuse, it's certainly quite Christ-like to say that a separation is probably for the best, and telling somebody who's admitted to abusing his spouse that he should claim possession of a spouse who's left him... That is dangerous.

I'm ok with separation. If she says she wants a 3 year separation or even an indefinite separation and asks me to not contact her unless she contacts me first, I'll be ok with it and will fully support it.

But divorce? My gut feels uneasy even though I'm fully taking responsibility for my abuse. She has a right to never see me again. But divorce?

I know that abuse and possession are very closely linked. In the second month of separation, she asked me to not call her "my wife" as it shows to people that I'm trying to own her. I'm struggling with this one. I'm not referencing her as my wife in any of our communication, but referencing her by her name.

But in my mind, I see her as my wife, to one who I am committed to for life, no matter what she does. I believe a covenant can be unilateral and plan to stand for my marriage.

So it's a delicate balancing act to not call her my wife because of possessiveness and abuse, but to think of her as my wife because of my love for her and my covenant before God.

 

[Ellwood3]

dw2000:

I didn't write--or even think--you were just sitting. To clarify, bhsmte had said:

"How does this person "leave it up to God" to correct his personal issues that caused his marriage to get to this point.

Does he just sit quietly and wait for a magical message or does he take an active approach to acknowledge reality and get the help he may need?" (emphasis mine).

Replying, I said (in part): "A good question for an atheist to ask. Honestly. Because if you atheists are correct and there is indeed no God, then you'd be sittin' for a lonngggg time." (Emphasis mine.)

From that, bhsmte, mis-read my answer, and presumed I was suggesting that atheists would just sit. (And also concluded, in error, that following God isn't doing something.)

Apparently you read something above and thought perhaps it was my meaning that you were sitting as opposed to doing; not the case at all.

It seems to me like you've been taking steps to own your part of it. Seems also like you've been getting much advice to quit--including advice from those who have no clue what God can do.

I think God treasures marriages and can work miracles in them. That's why the resources above: Those are people who've been there. They are in a better position to help.

I feel like some are telling you to jump forward. I'm saying, I am convinced God might be leading you not to do so. I suggest you seek out some Godly people, and request prayer (there is a prayer group here online for making requests).

I feel somewhat alarmed when people are making statements like, you messed up, it's too late, give it up--really? Is this God speaking or just some person? Just sounds like people to me.

You said:

"My pastor just shouted out from the pulpit that abuse is justifiable for divorce and that if the person stays in the marriage then the person will only enable the abuser to continue his ways. I feel further shame and guilt as he knows our story and most of the church knows that he was referring to me."

I've known pastors who misuse the pulpit. If he shouted this knowing people would interpret it as you, it's like punching someone from the pulpit. Unholy.


You said:

"This is when I can only count on the gospel. The world will say there's no hope for the marriage."

Exactly. Worldly advice will say, give up. It will beat you up. But God can heal marriages.

You said:

"All the secular books out there that my wife has been reading on abuse say that abusers never change. I know I have narcissistic tendencies and all the books say that narcissists never change. My wife has bought into this fully and is reading through Scripture to prove her grounds for divorce."

Ouch. She's reading secular books on abuse. Everyone born has narcissistic tendencies. A true narcissist would be unlikely to admit their mistakes, or seek real help for them. You say she's going through scripture to prove her grounds for divorce. Problem. Scriptures aren't supposed to be used that way. Worldly advice will say, make it easy on the legal system, sign the papers, kick yourself, there's no hope.

You wrote:
"In many ways, there is no hope for our marriage or for me.

"But I believe Jesus still loves me and that his redemptive power can heal me and our marriage."

I think there's hope for your marriage, and for you. Exactly for your reasons stated. I know Jesus still loves you, and that He can redeem relationships. I suggest praying that God will change her heart and you, and bring such healing to this marriage that it will be brought back from the pit.

 

[dw2000]

Ok. Tropical Wilds. I think your thoughts are most similar to my wife's at this moment.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do if you wanted to restore the marriage? We can discuss if divorce should happen or not, etc... but let's say you wanted to restore the marriage.

I know that your answer is probably just to let it her go, etc. But let's say you are wanting to restore the marriage and not be possessive/abusive about it and to be respectful. What would you do?

 

[Pastor Glenn]

here for you if you want to connect about this.



Pastor Glenn

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I'm ok with separation. If she says she wants a 3 year separation or even an indefinite separation and asks me to not contact her unless she contacts me first, I'll be ok with it and will fully support it.

But divorce? My gut feels uneasy even though I'm fully taking responsibility for my abuse. She has a right to never see me again. But divorce?

Actions have consequences, betrayals, transgressions, abuse... They may result in a divorce. I'm more surprised that you're surprised.

I know that abuse and possession are very closely linked. In the second month of separation, she asked me to not call her "my wife" as it shows to people that I'm trying to own her. I'm struggling with this one. I'm not referencing her as my wife in any of our communication, but referencing her by her name.

A request that would normally seem odd, but in the context of abuse and separation with imminent divorce, it makes sense.

But in my mind, I see her as my wife, to one who I am committed to for life, no matter what she does. I believe a covenant can be unilateral and plan to stand for my marriage.

There's that red flag in there. It's what's in your mind, not the reality of the situation. You're seeing her as your wife, regardless of if she is or isn't. That's... I'm not going to lie, it's a cause for concern given the abuse angle.

So it's a delicate balancing act to not call her my wife because of possessiveness and abuse, but to think of her as my wife because of my love for her and my covenant before God.

And there in lies the problem. The balancing act is balancing what she wants and the reality with what you want and have excused as OK because you justified that it's what God wants. There's no accountability. These are all big, big warning signs. I'd strongly suggest you stop contacting her, if you have already, and process this as one would if they were about to be served with a divorce.

 

[bhsmte]

I'm ok with separation. If she says she wants a 3 year separation or even an indefinite separation and asks me to not contact her unless she contacts me first, I'll be ok with it and will fully support it.

But divorce? My gut feels uneasy even though I'm fully taking responsibility for my abuse. She has a right to never see me again. But divorce?

I know that abuse and possession are very closely linked. In the second month of separation, she asked me to not call her "my wife" as it shows to people that I'm trying to own her. I'm struggling with this one. I'm not referencing her as my wife in any of our communication, but referencing her by her name.

But in my mind, I see her as my wife, to one who I am committed to for life, no matter what she does. I believe a covenant can be unilateral and plan to stand for my marriage.

So it's a delicate balancing act to not call her my wife because of possessiveness and abuse, but to think of her as my wife because of my love for her and my covenant before God.

Since she is the one who suffered abuse, it is likely more important what is in her mind then your own. It will be important to realize this, to have any hope and to avoid previous possession issues as you explained.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Ok. Tropical Wilds. I think your thoughts are most similar to my wife's at this moment.

And that should tell you something.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do if you wanted to restore the marriage? We can discuss if divorce should happen or not, etc... but let's say you wanted to restore the marriage.

Honestly, if it was somebody who was bringing out the worst in me to the point where I acknowledged that I became abusive, I'd let them go. Want them around or not, it's not fair to them or me to subject them to abuse simply because I want to be with them.

I've been in relationships that I didn't want to end. I really have. And it turns out that all the relationships that I've been in that ended were for the best.

I know that your answer is probably just to let it her go, etc. But let's say you are wanting to restore the marriage and not be possessive/abusive about it and to be respectful. What would you do?

Like I said, I'd let her go. If things change, she'll indicate she's open to reconciling and you can go from there. Until then, let her go, be accountable for your role in it, and don't let it impact the rest of your future.

 

[bhsmte]

And that should tell you something.



Honestly, if it was somebody who was bringing out the worst in me to the point where I acknowledged that I became abusive, I'd let them go. Want them around or not, it's not fair to them or me to subject them to abuse simply because I want to be with them.

I've been in relationships that I didn't want to end. I really have. And it turns out that all the relationships that I've been in that ended were for the best.



Like I said, I'd let her go. If things change, she'll indicate she's open to reconciling and you can go from there. Until then, let her go, be accountable for your role in it, and don't let it impact the rest of your future.

Agreed.

You should be focused on improving your own issues, as that is what is most important. If your wife wants to get back together, it should be her idea.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I say, "don't sign."

You have an Enemy who loves to kill, steal and destroy, and a calling. Put Christ at the head, and be wary of advice based on what seems good in a worldly way.

And I say be wary of "Christians" who say to stay at any and all costs.

She can file and he can refuse to sign. The court will most likely rule in her favor and grant the divorce. It just may take longer.

Your wife is carrying baggage, some of which you heaped on her, and trying to get you out of her life, won't get rid of that baggage.

Way to minimize the situation. It's "her" baggage and he's only responsible for "some" of it?? Oh goodness...

Malachi 2:16 says God hates divorce. Before you sign something to do what God hates, you must be certain it's what He wants; not what your spouse wants. Not what your advisors want. Not what any attorneys want. Not even what you want.

One of the most misguided, misused Scriptures. God doesn't hate divorce. He hates that a man seperates from his wife and doesn't give her the divorce papers. There are 2 specific and different words in both the Hebrew and Greek (for Old and New Testaments) that speak to each. God divorced Israel (Isaiah 50:1, Jeremiah 3:8). Why would He do something He hates?

Unless God is specifically, clearly directing you to sign those divorce papers, choose to wait. You made a promise not to fight it. You also made a bigger promise to love her, and to be her husband for the rest of your lives, and you two can't fix things, but God can.

Again, he can wait if he wants. She can file anyway and the judge can grant the divorce without him signing. He already broke his promise to love her. Unless your definition of loving her means to abuse her and "possess" her??

Marriage is a covenant, between a man and a woman and God. Breaking your covenant may be a greater betrayal than anything you've done so far. Rest a while.

What a load of guilt! He is not fit to be in a covenant with his wife or any woman at the moment. He needs to resolve his issues. While he's doing that, she is free to file and the court is free to grant a divorce.

Neither you nor your wife can afford to cherry-pick scriptures.

And neither should you.

Your wife is positioning herself for a lifetime of resentment and being outside God's plan, and the simple fact you're asking the question whether to sign, flags this as a time to call a "time-out," not a time to race forward.

You have no idea what his wife is doing. Is it God's plan for a woman to continue in a marriage where she doesn't feel safe and is abused?

The only "flag" is he doesn't want to let her go. A broken person cannot have a healthy marriage until that brokenness is resolved and dealt with.

In the end, the OP can beg, plead, and refuse to sign, but it's her choice on whether or not to stay. It's his choice on whether or not to focus on repairing his brokenness. It's God's choice on whether or not He wants to intervene.

 

[bhsmte]

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And I say be wary of "Christians" who say to stay at any and all costs.

She can file and he can refuse to sign. The court will most likely rule in her favor and grant the divorce. It just may take longer.



Way to minimize the situation. It's "her" baggage and he's only responsible for "some" of it?? Oh goodness...




One of the most misguided, misused Scriptures. God doesn't hate divorce. He hates that a man seperates from his wife and doesn't give her the divorce papers. There are 2 specific and different words in both the Hebrew and Greek (for Old and New Testaments) that speak to each. God divorced Israel (Isaiah 50:1, Jeremiah 3:8). Why would He do something He hates?




Again, he can wait if he wants. She can file anyway and the judge can grant the divorce without him signing. He already broke his promise to love her. Unless your definition of loving her means to abuse her and "possess" her??



What a load of guilt! He is not fit to be in a covenant with his wife or any woman at the moment. He needs to resolve his issues. While he's doing that, she is free to file and the court is free to grant a divorce.





And neither should you.



You have no idea what his wife is doing. Is it God's plan for a woman to continue in a marriage where she doesn't feel safe and is abused?

The only "flag" is he doesn't want to let her go. A broken person cannot have a healthy marriage until that brokenness is resolved and dealt with.

In the end, the OP can beg, plead, and refuse to sign, but it's her choice on whether or not to stay. It's his choice on whether or not to focus on repairing his brokenness. It's God's choice on whether or not He wants to intervene.

That is correct, not signing will only delay the divorce and will cause the person being serviced with a divorce notice to show up in court. If the person does not show in court, the court will move forward without the other party and grant the divorce, it will just be delayed a bit.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I'm ok with separation. If she says she wants a 3 year separation or even an indefinite separation and asks me to not contact her unless she contacts me first, I'll be ok with it and will fully support it.

But divorce? My gut feels uneasy even though I'm fully taking responsibility for my abuse. She has a right to never see me again. But divorce?

Scripture supports a divorce more than an indefinite separation. I get the feeling that the uneasy feeling in your gut is due in part that you will not be able to "own" or "possess" her, along with the usual sadness of a marriage ending. I may be wrong, but I get that impression based on what you've written.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do if you wanted to restore the marriage? We can discuss if divorce should happen or not, etc... but let's say you wanted to restore the marriage.

I know that your answer is probably just to let it her go, etc. But let's say you are wanting to restore the marriage and not be possessive/abusive about it and to be respectful. What would you do?

You didn't ask me, but from a man's perspective... If I were you I would let her go and continue to seek help. If you were honest with yourself, are you at the point where you could not be possessive/abusive and be respectful? It doesn't sound like it from what you wrote. While you are still broken, you have no business being attached to anyone right now. Continue to seek God, but do not seek your wife. If God really wants you two to be together, He can and will arrange that regardless of what the circumstances are today. Only God knows your future. Only God knows if you are still worthy of this woman.

I will commend you for the courage to stand up and take responsibilty for your past actions, and for taking some of the "tough love" that has been given on this thread, and hopefully in real life.

 

[dw2000]

You said:

"One of the most misguided, misused Scriptures. God doesn't hate divorce. He hates that a man seperates from his wife and doesn't give her the divorce papers. There are 2 specific and different words in both the Hebrew and Greek (for Old and New Testaments) that speak to each. God divorced Israel (Isaiah 50:1, Jeremiah 3:8). Why would He do something He hates?"

I am working on my issues and am not putting any blame on her the destruction of our marriage. That's completely my fault. However, that doesn't mean I can't pray and hope for restoration. If I harass her, then yes, that would disrespect her. But I don't think me, praying in the background, praying for her to return, not manipulating her, but letting God work is not disrespecting her. Many of you guys are picturing me as stalking her or trying to forcefully change her mind through manipulation, but that is not what I'm suggesting. All I am wanting to do is stand in my marriage, to pray for restoration, and not strong arming her in anything.

Yes, God did divorce Israel after and said he hates divorce. He hates abuse too. He hates both abuse and divorce. But his heart is for reconciliation. He says in the very next chapter, Malachi 3, "return to me." And this "divorce" that you mention by God is temporarily. There is reconciliation. That is His heart. Despite Israel committing adultery again and again, God still longed for reconciliation. What God wants is for both divorce and abuse to stop.

 

[BigDaddy4]

God included a divorce process in Deut. 24. Without getting into a theological debate, God allows for it to happen. It may not be His perfect will, but it is permissable.

In your situation, your wife has every right to divorce you. You can stand on your principles and not sign, but that's only going to delay it. That's your choice.

All I know about your situation and where your heart and mind are is from what you've posted. You can hope and pray all you want, but without you overcoming your own issues, your soon-to-be-ex-wife would be foolish to take you back. And you would be foolish to want to take her back.

My advice is to work on the first things first, which is you. It sounds like you are. But if your goal of working on your issues is to win her back, you are misguided. If you overcome your issues and she still chooses to not be married to you or reconcile, then you've failed at your goal. However, if your goal is to overcome your issues so you can function in a healthy, loving relationship, then you will be successful no matter who the other person is.

It just seems to me that holding on to her or the idea of still being married to her may hinder your attempts to overcome your issues. Focus less on her, more on you, your issues and your relationship with God.

 

[dw2000]

I've been praying and I am leaning towards signing it. It's her choice. It's up to her to send the papers, to then send it to the courts, and then to finalize it.

We won't go too much into the theological debate as we can debate about it all day, but I am appealing to you from an emotional/family perspective.

The relationship between a husband/wife is extremely intimate, probably closer than a parent and child.

If your child runs away, disowns you because you've been a terrible parent, won't you long for your child to return? You realize you've been a terrible parent, but can you truly completely let go? You work on your issues, pray for sanctification, but will you ever be able to let go and just move on your life? Can you really say to yourself and believe, "Ok. I'm not going to even think about my child now. I'm not even going to pray for unity. I will just let the child do whatever he pleases and will just work on myself." Your heart has been ripped out, you feel guilty, but will you ever be totally fine? Won't you, until your dying day, hope for some type of reconciliation?

The husband/wife relationship is even closer than that. We've been together for 6 years, but I've traveled to 20 countries with her, slept in probably 100 different beds together, and we were in situations where it was only the two of us in dozens of different locations. We've been in the middle of nowhere for 3 years with only the two of us as believers and English speakers. We've traversed the U.S. visiting almost every corner of it, pleading with churches and groups to pray for the unreached. We were both each other's first sexual union. We visited each other's home towns, our elementary schools, and high schools even though they were thousands of miles apart. We suffered through a miscarriage together, took the remains to the birthplace of our parents in a different country, and buried our precious child in a mountain there. Then we were told by doctors that we can't have children because of a horrible surgical procedure she had in a foreign hospital when removing the baby while serving God overseas. We started the adoption process and wanted to bless a special needs child. She was beloved by my home church and spoke a women's retreat. She was then offered a job as a women's pastor at my home church and the offer was there for life. She promptly denied it because of her desire to serve God overseas, as was mine.

And I am to just forget about her? To just give up on the marriage? To not even desire restoration and merely work on my issues? Of course I have issues that need to be fixed. But she is my wife and I have cleaved to her.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The relationship between a husband/wife is extremely intimate, probably closer than a parent and child.

It's also an extremely different sort of relationship than a parent and child. It's not closer or less close, just different and a different kind of closeness.

If your child runs away, disowns you because you've been a terrible parent, won't you long for your child to return? You realize you've been a terrible parent, but can you truly completely let go? You work on your issues, pray for sanctification, but will you ever be able to let go and just move on your life? Can you really say to yourself and believe, "Ok. I'm not going to even think about my child now. I'm not even going to pray for unity. I will just let the child do whatever he pleases and will just work on myself." Your heart has been ripped out, you feel guilty, but will you ever be totally fine? Won't you, until your dying day, hope for some type of reconciliation?

If I had destroyed my relationship with my child due to my abusing them and they disowns me and goes about their life, of course I'd want them back and I'd hope that they do, but I would focusing on changing myself to illicit their coming back, making myself a better person and parent, so if they do come back they can see I've admitted my sins and tried to fix them. If I do that and they want nothing to do with me, as sad as it is, that's the penalty for my transgressions against them. So I have to live with that consequence. I wouldn't try to repeatedly reach out to them or anything along those lines, but yes, I'd let them go about their lives and hope one day that means they'll come back to see how I'm doing and allow us to rebuild a relationship.

That all being said...

A parent and a child has a far different dynamic than a husband and wife. A parent is in a position of authority over a child, a husband and wife are equals. I can, and do, make demands of my children as minors that I wouldn't dream of doing to my husband, and adult, capable man. So to compare how you'd respond to a child disowning you and a divorce are two entirely different things.

The husband/wife relationship is even closer than that.

It's not closer or less close. It's just a different kind of close. In some areas, I'm closer to my children than my husband, and in some areas the opposite. It's love, but it's not the same type of love, not even the same dynamic in the relationships. It's not comparable.

 

[dw2000]

The child doesn't have to be a little kid. The child can be a grown up. I was just trying to describe the heart of a parent to a child. After the child grows up, you are then peers. After having grown up, your child disowns you...

I think you get the picture.