Should I sign?

[dw2000]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been separated for 3.5 months and she has the divorce papers in her hand and said she will send them to me this week. Should I sign?

We are both devout believers. There has been no adultery. We were both virgins when we got married. Our first kiss was on our wedding day. We married b/c of our similar calling: to serve God overseas as missionaries. We went overseas and our marriage imploded. I was emotionally/psychologically/verbally abusive towards her by making her feel bad about herself, minimizing, controlling her, blame shifting, discounting, etc. When we came back to the states, it didn't get any better because I was not able to understand why I was like that and didn't see the root causes of my behavior. She had left several times before for a few days and one time for 3 weeks, only to come back, hoping for change, but I always reverted back to my past behaviors. She got us to see counselors, but I ended up blaming her for everything and the counselors bought my deception. So after having her emotional reserves completely spend, she said she saw no other way except divorce and our separation started 3.5 months ago.

Since then, I have been completely broken and through revelations and excellent counseling, I have been able to understand myself for the first time and see how my childhood trauma made me so insecure as an adult and through the H.S. found security in Him. It's been life changing. But my wife feels like it's too late and that she's just too badly damaged to give it another shot. Many, many friends have tried to dissuade her but her reply is this: "suppose you have a babysitter molest your kids. You, as a Christian, can forgive them, but will you ever allow that babysitter near your kids again? That's how I feel about my husband." She's been searching the scriptures and found "Bibclial" reasons for divorce. Mainly...

1 Tim 5:8. "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Her rationale is that overseas, a few times, I did not get her the proper food and medicine when she needed it because of my neglect. This is true.

Exodus 21:10-11. "If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money." Her rationale is that because the slave wife is free to leave when not being taken care of, then the free Jewish woman has equal rights.

Also, she is REALLY into God's justice now. She feels like she has forgiven me too many times without consequences for me and that divorce needs to be a consequence in our situation. She referenced how God allowed David and Bathsheba's baby to die as justice. She also mentioned how God allowed generations of Israelites to die because of His justice. So she feels like she needs to divorce me for justice.

Neither of us are planning to get remarried. I fully believe even if the divorce is finalized, she won't get remarried because Biblical grounds for remarriage is a lot less ambiguous than for divorce and she loves God and the scriptures.

If the divorce is finalized, I will still consider myself to be married to her and will continue to wear my wedding ring. I will continue to pray and hope for restoration, no matter how long it takes as this is a covenant and not a contract. I don't know if I'll be able to continue to do that if she remarries, but I don't think she ever will.

With all that said, should I sign? I feel like divorce is a sin. But one of her primary complaints against me is my disrespect of her, which is true. Also, to complicate matters, when she asked for a separation, I promised her I wouldn't contest. But since then, I've studied the scriptures a ton about divorce and feel like it's a sin.


Any ideas?

 

[iambren]

I would ask her what will she do if you don't sign. If she says she will pursue a legal divorce instead of the agreed dissolution then I probably would go ahead and sign. This will save you a ton of money in lawyer fees and end up with the same inevitable result.

You have papers? Read them over as best you can and if it is too complicated or you disagree take it to a trusted attorney to simply go over it,explain what it all means. Good luck!

 

[ProudMomxmany]

You've admitted to abusing her. Verbal/emotional abuse is just as, if not more painful than physical abuse. Bruises fade but the words never, ever leave the memory. She has biblical grounds for divorce (reference husband's side of marriage in Ephesians 5). You did not love her as Christ loves the church, you did not endeavor to wash her in the water and the word, you did not love her as you loved your own body. Your behavior was no different than an unbeliever. How can you claim to be a "devout" Christian when you would treat your wife like dirt?

She says that she is too damaged from the marriage to attempt reconciliation. To put it another way, you beat the dog long enough and hard enough and that dog isn't going to want to get anywhere near you.

Take what you've learned in counseling and try to continue to improve yourself. Sign the papers and learn from the experience.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Divorce is not a sin. You refusing to sign the papers will only complicate things and potentially cost you more in lawyers fees and/or court costs. You screwed up. Admit it, work on your failings, and let her move on.

 

[Niffer]

You sign.

You admitted to abusing her, you told us she has forgiven you many times, yet you always tend to 'fall back to your old ways'.
If you actually care about this woman, you let her go and work on yourself, because you are not ready to be married or in a relationship.
And no one deserves to be treated the way you have admittedly treated your wife.

~ Niffer

 

[dw2000]

Thank you for your replies everyone. Yeah, there's no question I've abused her and I know that emotional/psychological abuse can go way deeper in than physical abuse. It got into her very deeply because it was so subtle that we weren't able to catch it. Oftentimes, she would feel totally distraught and broken, but to the outside world, it would be hard to pinpoint what I did wrong. That's what emotional/psychological abuse is. It can be extremely damaging.

After thinking, praying, and getting some counseling... I feel like I need to sign the divorce papers even though I disagree with it. Me resisting will only harden her heart even more. Respect and broken promises is one of the biggest issues in our marriage. I promised to her that I wouldn't contest multiple times. I said it to her without thinking about it too much and without studying the scriptures about it. I said it in brokenness and desperation to please her. If I contest the divorce, she'll think that it's the same person, who is unchanged, and is continually breaking his promises.

In Joshua 9, the Israelites made a covenant with the Gibeonites. Even though the covenant was made through deception and without asking God about it, they followed through with their covenant.

In a similar way, I feel like I need to follow through with the promise I made to my wife about not contesting the divorce.

Yes, it gets a little tricky because the covenant I made during our wedding ceremony is a lot stronger than my promise to not contest the divorce. However, I believe in covenant marriages and that it supersedes human/civil laws. Also, I believe covenants can be unilateral. It's still there even if it's only one person holding it up. There is a covenant between Christ and the church. Even if the church totally gives up and goes into adultery, Christ will never give up. He will always uphold his end of the covenant. It doesn't matter what the other party does. Since marriage is the representation of Christ and the church, I want to take on the same spirit. We are to be image of Christ here on earth. Christ will always love his bride even if that bride runs away. With God's strength, I plan on doing the same thing to my beloved. Even if there's a legal divorce, I will not give up on her. I will always see her as my beloved and always be praying for restoration. I will live my life as if I'm married because I will always be here waiting for her return. To the world, this may seem unhealthy and not logical, but Christ's love for his bride is not logical either. I am called to die for my wife as a husband. Does that dying end if there's a divorce? I could quickly stop my pain and suffering if I date around and try to get remarried. But I vowed to die for my beloved even if its hurts and is painful. It's not a 1 time thing... but a process. Granted, I did not die for her while we were living in the same house and I sinfully asked her to die for me instead.

But that doesn't mean I can just do whatever now. If she never comes back, I'll need to keep praying for her blessings and for her healing because I'm the one that caused it.

Meanwhile, I'll just work on myself. Get healed. Learn about respect. Grow up emotionally. And pray that hope that if and when we get back together, I'll be the loving husband scripture demands of us.

 

[dw2000]

. You did not love her as Christ loves the church, you did not endeavor to wash her in the water and the word, you did not love her as you loved your own body. Your behavior was no different than an unbeliever. How can you claim to be a "devout" Christian when you would treat your wife like dirt?

I am a believer who was entrapped in his own sin, unhealed issues, and deception because of my pride. However, Christ is greater than my sins. I've been beating myself up constantly over the last three months and saw how horrible and disgusting my actions were. I kept denying the forgiveness of Christ because I felt so awful about myself. But the power of Christ is greater than any of my sins.

There's no excuse. I don't have a right to ask for my wife to come back.

What gives me the hope that our marriage is still God's will is because of 1 Cor. 7. Let's say that I am an unbeliever. The chapter states that if the unbeliever wants to stay, for the wife to stay in the marriage for the sanctification of the husband. I cannot ever demand this of her and will not mention it to her. But this is God's heart. Additionally, the chapter goes on to say that we are to remain celibate or reconcile.

God's heart is for reconciliation and restoration and no circumstance is bad enough for God's redemptive power to not follow through. This is what gives me hope. I don't plan on controlling her or manipulating her to get back together, this will be solely up to God.

 

[bhsmte]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been separated for 3.5 months and she has the divorce papers in her hand and said she will send them to me this week. Should I sign?

We are both devout believers. There has been no adultery. We were both virgins when we got married. Our first kiss was on our wedding day. We married b/c of our similar calling: to serve God overseas as missionaries. We went overseas and our marriage imploded. I was emotionally/psychologically/verbally abusive towards her by making her feel bad about herself, minimizing, controlling her, blame shifting, discounting, etc. When we came back to the states, it didn't get any better because I was not able to understand why I was like that and didn't see the root causes of my behavior. She had left several times before for a few days and one time for 3 weeks, only to come back, hoping for change, but I always reverted back to my past behaviors. She got us to see counselors, but I ended up blaming her for everything and the counselors bought my deception. So after having her emotional reserves completely spend, she said she saw no other way except divorce and our separation started 3.5 months ago.

Since then, I have been completely broken and through revelations and excellent counseling, I have been able to understand myself for the first time and see how my childhood trauma made me so insecure as an adult and through the H.S. found security in Him. It's been life changing. But my wife feels like it's too late and that she's just too badly damaged to give it another shot. Many, many friends have tried to dissuade her but her reply is this: "suppose you have a babysitter molest your kids. You, as a Christian, can forgive them, but will you ever allow that babysitter near your kids again? That's how I feel about my husband." She's been searching the scriptures and found "Bibclial" reasons for divorce. Mainly...

1 Tim 5:8. "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Her rationale is that overseas, a few times, I did not get her the proper food and medicine when she needed it because of my neglect. This is true.

Exodus 21:10-11. "If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money." Her rationale is that because the slave wife is free to leave when not being taken care of, then the free Jewish woman has equal rights.

Also, she is REALLY into God's justice now. She feels like she has forgiven me too many times without consequences for me and that divorce needs to be a consequence in our situation. She referenced how God allowed David and Bathsheba's baby to die as justice. She also mentioned how God allowed generations of Israelites to die because of His justice. So she feels like she needs to divorce me for justice.

Neither of us are planning to get remarried. I fully believe even if the divorce is finalized, she won't get remarried because Biblical grounds for remarriage is a lot less ambiguous than for divorce and she loves God and the scriptures.

If the divorce is finalized, I will still consider myself to be married to her and will continue to wear my wedding ring. I will continue to pray and hope for restoration, no matter how long it takes as this is a covenant and not a contract. I don't know if I'll be able to continue to do that if she remarries, but I don't think she ever will.

With all that said, should I sign? I feel like divorce is a sin. But one of her primary complaints against me is my disrespect of her, which is true. Also, to complicate matters, when she asked for a separation, I promised her I wouldn't contest. But since then, I've studied the scriptures a ton about divorce and feel like it's a sin.


Any ideas?

This is my opinion.

In situations like this, it is not always a good thing to seek advice of outsiders or even friends to tell you what to do. Getting support is one thing, but only you and your wife (with possibly the support of further counseling) can determine what the best path is.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

In my state, even if you don't sign the papers, the divorce will happen. The paperwork is filed, absent one signature, and then you are given a time frame to respond. If you don't, the divorce happens and you just lose your legal representation in court and the judge issues his or her findings and rulings, usually heavily based off the partner who initiated the divorce's request.

Not signing doesn't avoid the inevitable, just prolongs it, and it gets expensive, especially if there are requests made to the division of assets that aren't in your favor and you didn't contest it.

 

[bhsmte]

In my state, even if you don't sign the papers, the divorce will happen. The paperwork is filed, absent one signature, and then you are given a time frame to respond. If you don't, the divorce happens and you just lose your legal representation in court and the judge issues his or her findings and rulings, usually heavily based off the partner who initiated the divorce's request.

Not signing doesn't avoid the inevitable, just prolongs it, and it gets expensive, especially if there are requests made to the division of assets that aren't in your favor and you didn't contest it.

It gets expensive if you have a lawyer and technically, you don't need one, especially if your spouse has not responded to being served and showing up in court.

It would take a little bit of research to properly file court paper work (specific to your state) to get the divorce moving along (without your spouse), but is certainly doable.

 

[dw2000]

She's filing from Texas, which I believe, is a no-fault state.

 

[bethrow]

Her feelings are valid in regards to a divorce and because of the abuse I believe it would be best to sign and let her go. Would you be disappointed if she did remarry? If she does...I wouldn't blame her. Sorry. I'm glad that you are honest about what you've done, but if you ever decide to be in a relationship again you'll need to make sure that you have done enough to work on yourself so that it never happens again.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I agree with the above... There is a level of reality that seems to be missing from your posts. It seems like you've processed this by accepting or coming to believe that divorce is like still being married to your spouse, just without the sex and living together. She won't remarry, you won't remarry, and you'll have forever to kind of "win her back." It doesn't sound like you've really, really processed what a divorce entails and what it means.

I mean, realistically speaking, with no kids and a history of abuse, she very possibly could get the divorce and you never see or hear from her again. She'd have no reason to stay in touch with you. She could remarry, move on, and that'd be it. It doesn't sound like you've accepted that as a reality. There's a level of post-divorce possessiveness that, considering your history of what you describe is abuse, is almost alarming.

 

[dw2000]

Yes, there is a post divorce possessiveness that can be alarming. I'm still struggling it through myself. Because I felt like I "owned" her during the marriage, it led to abuse. I always felt disrespected and it was all from a source of pride and control, on my part.

This is why I am leaning towards signing it.

I understand if she never wants to see me again. I will not pressure her to get back together. This will be between her and God.

But that doesn't mean that I won't pray for restoration and for me to live a life so that if she ever decides, then the road to reconciliation will be open. Believe me, it would be much easier, forget her, start dating, and seek happiness. I'm in my mid 30s and can have a full life with another woman. To stay here and continue to pray for restoration, stay celibate, work on myself without pressuring her or harassing her is a much more difficult road.

If she gets remarried, I will be very sad. But I can't control her in that regard. I have no right over her. However, I believe we are one-flesh, put together by God, and that remains in tact whatever the legal status is.

There's worldly wisdom that says it's healthy for everyone to move on. To ditch the marriage. However, I believe that's not the God's heart is. I go again and again to the idea that a marriage is the representation of Christ and the church. Christ will never give up.

I met a few old ladies who have been standing in their marriage for over 20 years. Their husbands left them for another woman. They were horrible to their original wife. But the wife continued to pray for blessings on the original husband. For over 20 years, they are still remaining strong and praying for restoration. They are suffering, but they are worshipping God. When I talked to these ladies, I was brought to tears because that is such an amazing picture of what Christ does for us. They were the real, physical manifestation of who Christ is. This is, what I believe, what the marriage covenant looks like. The whole world will shout to these ladies that what they are doing is unhealthy and stupid... that they should move on. That they are wasting their time. But their story, their lives, have shown to their communities the reality of who Christ is.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Until you get healed and work through your issues, you shouldn't even think about reconciliation with your wife or moving on with another woman. Your main focus should be to work through the issues that led to where you are now. Let God work on her heart as He changes yours.

Choosing to stand for your marriage for 20 years is an individual choice. If those ladies believe that is their calling from God, so be it. We are all different parts of the body of Christ, each with our own purpose.

This website may be helpful for you if you choose to stand for your marriage:

www.rejoiceministries.org

 

[ProudMomxmany]

To the OP....I get the feeling you're now playing the martyr. You do not seem to understand the magnitude of your abusive treatment of your wife. You broke her, you damaged her. Reconciliation isn't going to happen. No woman in her right mind is going to take a chance on going back to her abuser, especially after she realizes what's going on.

You blew it. You, by your actions, demonstrated that you never intended to live up to your marriage vows. So, now its time for you to get help, seek counseling, seek to change and hopefully, one day, pull yourself together enough to find happiness. Pining away for a lost "love" is not healthy either.

 

[Ellwood3]

I say, "don't sign."

You have an Enemy who loves to kill, steal and destroy, and a calling. Put Christ at the head, and be wary of advice based on what seems good in a worldly way.

Your wife is carrying baggage, some of which you heaped on her, and trying to get you out of her life, won't get rid of that baggage.

Malachi 2:16 says God hates divorce. Before you sign something to do what God hates, you must be certain it's what He wants; not what your spouse wants. Not what your advisors want. Not what any attorneys want. Not even what you want.

Unless God is specifically, clearly directing you to sign those divorce papers, choose to wait. You made a promise not to fight it. You also made a bigger promise to love her, and to be her husband for the rest of your lives, and you two can't fix things, but God can.

Marriage is a covenant, between a man and a woman and God. Breaking your covenant may be a greater betrayal than anything you've done so far. Rest a while.

You're not betraying her by seeking God's true will and intentions for your lives. And it seems He's calling you both in the scriptures and in your gut--not to sign.

Did God lead for the divorce to be filed? What would He have you do with them if He did not? Continue further in the wrong direction?

Here are some resources that might aid the process. There's a ministry helping couples who are struggling, it's Dale and Jena Forehand, who do "Keeping it Real" seminars (they travel around the USA). Besides what they sell, there are some free materials on their site--including videos and audio recordings.

Just yesterday--the day you posted this--this couple was on the Life Today TV program, hosted by James and Betty Robison (no "n"). (I saw them there.) You can watch that show free online (as with all the Life Today Outreach International shows).

I can't post links yet, but if you search for "James and Betty lightsource" it will take you to a page where you can find the show called "Dale and Jena Forehand: the Marriage Mask" from October 29, 2013. That is the roughly 28-minute video on yesterday (it's currently at the top on the right, but it will move down the page as other shows are added. Even then, if you search for the date, you will find it in the archives).

Above those recent videos on the right of this Life Today site, you will find a search box. Enter the word "divorce," and it will bring you to a page with 50 other videos on divorce, and some articles and pertinent scriptures.

Also, if you search for "daleandjena" you will find their site. Their ministry is called "Stained Glass Ministries." Their story? You'll find it on their site. But in a nutshell, they couldn't stand each other. They both wanted full custody of their children, so their judge required them to live in the same house for 15 months.

They divorced and remarried. Christ did a work in them, and now through them for others.

Neither you nor your wife can afford to cherry-pick scriptures. Your wife is positioning herself for a lifetime of resentment and being outside God's plan, and the simple fact you're asking the question whether to sign, flags this as a time to call a "time-out," not a time to race forward.

God bless.

And, by the way, it was Billy Graham who encouraged the Robisons to be on television. Their shows are online and can be viewed, freely.

Another inspiring couple, Bob and Audrey Meisner were on the show September 2, 2013. Their video, titled "No More Shame" was about how they remained together and are stronger than ever following her adultery leading to a child. Bob adopted the child, and gave him his name. That video is also on the Life Today site (easiest to find with the search feature at lightsource).

 

[Ellwood3]

To the OP....I get the feeling you're now playing the martyr. You do not seem to understand the magnitude of your abusive treatment of your wife. You broke her, you damaged her. Reconciliation isn't going to happen. No woman in her right mind is going to take a chance on going back to her abuser, especially after she realizes what's going on.

You blew it. You, by your actions, demonstrated that you never intended to live up to your marriage vows. So, now its time for you to get help, seek counseling, seek to change and hopefully, one day, pull yourself together enough to find happiness. Pining away for a lost "love" is not healthy either.

God is a God of grace. The devil is an accuser. I don't find this answer to show Christ-like character. I see nothing in this poster's question or posts suggesting he "never intended to live up to his marriage vows." And the statement that "Reconciliation isn't going to happen" is dangerous.


Leave it up to God.

 

[bhsmte]

God is a God of grace. The devil is an accuser. I don't find this answer to show Christ-like character. I see nothing in this poster's question or posts suggesting he "never intended to live up to his marriage vows." And the statement that "Reconciliation isn't going to happen" is dangerous.


Leave it up to God.

How does this person "leave it up to God" to correct his personal issues that caused his marriage to get to this point.

Does he just sit quietly and wait for a magical message or does he take an active approach to acknowledge reality and get the help he may need?

 

[dw2000]

I am not sitting by passively. I've read dozens of books on abuse, empathy, childhood wounds, deliverance, divorce/remarriage, etc.

I am in weekly counseling as well as two weekly support groups. One is for abusers and the other is about keeping our covenant to our spouse.

I've confessed to my church leadership and to our network of supporters. 1 John says that in our confessing, God will cleanse us of our wickedness. I want so badly to be cleansed of my wickedness.

However, my wife keeps saying I'm not repentant and that I'm minimizing everything. So I keep beating myself up even more. I am always trying to understand her pain and keep a list of sins I've committed against her because a new memory will pop up all the time.

I know I've failed. I did not cherish her. I thought I was. I was so wrong. But during these past 3 months, it's become horrifying real.

It's so hard. The Christian message is of forgiveness and reconciliation. The marriage is the earthly representation of Christ and the church and Christ never gives up on the bride. Never. But how can I as the perpetrator receive this news? I have received forgiveness, but then a new memory pops up about how I have abused her or I hear again from her that I'm minimizing everything. So I beat myself up even more and go through the whole process again.

My pastor just shouted out from the pulpit that abuse is justifiable for divorce and that if the person stays in the marriage then the person will only enable the abuser to continue his ways. I feel further shame and guilt as he knows our story and most of the church knows that he was referring to me.

This is when I can only count on the gospel. The world will say there's no hope for the marriage. All the secular books out there that my wife has been reading on abuse say that abusers never change. I know I have narcissistic tendencies and all the books say that narcissists never change. My wife has bought into this fully and is reading through Scripture to prove her grounds for divorce.

In many ways, there is no hope for our marriage or for me.

But I believe Jesus still loves me and that his redemptive power can heal me and our marriage.