Should I marry?

[CivilEngineer]

I've never shared this story with anyone, and I thought of sharing it here since I can remain anonymous.

In my junior year in high school, I went through a very tough time in my life. I developed multiple health issues and I had to watch my brother - which I was very close to - to struggle in his freshman year of college (he would later be diagnosed with clinical depression and drop out to transfer to a community college). The worst part of my junior year in high school was that one of my lifelong friends became friends with the popular kids of high school and made fun of me. I can't say for sure, but I suspect he lied to my old friends that I was a homosexual because none of my old friends will talk to me now. I suspect this because if people asked him why he was no longer my friend, I would assume he had to give them an excuse. For a long time, I was in denial that he was making fun of me because I wouldn't think a close friend would do that. Even though I was never given a diagnosis, I honestly think I was clinically depressed because that was when I became very anti-social and lost all of my interest in things. Because all this happened, I embarrassed myself very often in front of people.

I'm now a senior in college and I have an agreement in my scholarship that I will work in the area that I was raised after I graduate college. It's been five years since then, and I've only dated two people - which I dated both in the past year. The relationships didn't last long because when they noticed how insecure and shy I was, they decided to end the relationship. I'm afraid of going back to where I once lived and possibly seeing those whom I embarrassed myself in front of from high school.

The reason why I made this thread is because I'm wondering if I should remain single. I hate living a single life and I deeply wish I could find someone, but my life is a very big mess and I don't know how to fix it. And if I do find someone, I would hate to bring them into my life where I have a bad reputation and an unorganized life.

 

[Paulie079]

If I could offer any encouragement to you, time has a way healing things up. It really seems like you're still living in the shadow of this bout with depression that you experienced your junior year of high school, but being that you're a senior in college now, it's been at least 4-5 years since that happened, right? And a significant amount of growing and maturing happens in that amount of time. So I don't think that the people you knew in high school are going to expect you to be the same person necessarily, and just being yourself now can show them that things have changed.

Also, you said that your life is a very big mess. Are there details of your life that you didn't include that would make this seem to be the case? Because really, you're going to graduate college and the biggest problem you mentioned was being shy and insecure. That doesn't really seem like a big mess to me. And most college graduates are going to have an unorganized life for a time until they figure out where they're going to settle. Also, even if they didn't work out, the fact that you took the opportunity to date a couple of people is great. I really think that there is something to learn from every dating experience.

So with all of that said, I would encourage you not to let your past mistakes and embarrassments rule your future. And unless there are some pertinent issues that you didn't mention, I really think you shouldn't count yourself out of getting married someday.

 

[CivilEngineer]

I guess the reason why I describe my life as being a mess is mostly because of the embarrassment that I had while I was in high school. I know it sounds really odd, but it still bothers me. And concerning that, I'm trying to move on and put it in the past.

There's also the issue of my future employer. As I said earlier, my scholarship requires me to work with a specific employer after I graduate. The thing is, I was working as an intern and - because I'm shy - I made several awkward moments in front of my future boss. I can tell he doesn't like me at all. And I don't make too good of grades in college right now. To sum it up, I'm afraid I might lose my "guaranteed" job that I'm set up for right now after I graduate. And because I don't make the best grades, I'm afraid I might not find another job for my college degree. I haven't checked to see if I could get another job, but the idea of it bothers me a lot.

That's most it when I describe my life as a mess. I suppose I'm worried that I won't be able to provide for my future family. And thank you for addressing the concern I had about my embarrassment in high school. Most of the embarrassment came from the fact that other people thought lowly of me because I was shy and couldn't do very much. But you've helped me realize that those concerns are in the past and that I can try to change myself for the better.

 

[Messy]

My life's a mess now too, but I'm going for help now and let the Lord heal me. Think it's best to date when you feel better otherwise you may attract people that have a lot of issues themselves.

 

[Paulie079]

It really sounds like insecurity has an influence on a lot of different parts of your life. If you can, I would try to find some time to sit down and figure out what the root of that is, or sit down and verbally process with someone else to figure out the root of it and how you can address that. I think that would have a significant impact on these other parts of your life.

But as far as the job goes, I would be careful to make too many assumptions about how other people (in this case your boss) feel about you. But I would not stress a ton about your job situation. The thing is, you're way ahead of a lot of people just by the fact that you have a job right out of college. It took me four months to find a steady job after graduating. So that's a huge plus for you. Also, employers aren't going to be looking at your college transcripts during the hiring process. They're going to see that you have a degree and experience, and that's what will matter most to them. So while it's good to pursue good grades, it's not essential for getting most jobs. And past that, God is going to be faithful to provide you with what you need at the right time. There's a point where you have to trust Him with that as well, and not worry so much about the future that it causes you to stress. That's really what the Bible means when it says not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself (Matthew 6:25-34).

The fact that you're even concerned about providing for a future family shows me that you have the right mindset to get married someday. A lot of guys our age aren't thinking along those lines at all. I do think you have to ground a lot of these worries and anxieties into trust and faith that God is going to continue to mold and shape you into a godly man and eventual husband and father. If you will address some of these points of insecurity in your life and own up to the responsibilities that He's given you (and it sounds like you are), you will make for a great husband and father someday.

 

[Scott1979]

I think you should work on fixing your life and then look into dating and possible marriage. You seem to know what your problems are and you just need to work on fixing them.

 

[dayhiker]

Since you are going to complete college even if not with the best grades, still realize that this isn't an easy thing to do. So be proud of your accomplishment.
Then plan to learn now to be a friend. Sometimes this is figured out and it sounds like you have learned more than you think about being a friend. So find someone else that needs a friend and work on that. I'd say figure out the friend thing and then you can think about marriage.

 

[redblue22]

.
what does being gay have to do with your work? And what does that have to do with being shy and insecure?

Really, what are you feeling unsafe about?

.

 

[graciesings]

I recommend you move away from these people, start again, and try to organize your life according to the word of the Lord. As you make new friends in a new town and forget the past, you'll be more ready to date and you'll become more secure.

Also, what people think of you isn't really important. It's important that you are civil to them and treat them right, but whether or not they hate you isn't a problem. Use the Bible as your standard. Use your goals as your standard. Don't use other people's opinions as your standard, other people change and weren't always good standards to start with. I get the feeling you're focusing too much on what people think of you, and it's slowing you down!

 

[redblue22]

Wait a minute. Hold the horses. You're an engineer? I do hope you aren't expecting some multivariate answer to all this.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

CE, I think you think too much.
Why would it matter if you marry or don't marry? If you want to marry, go for it as long as it's in God's glory.
As for the job, I suggest that you pray for more confidence and work on it. You know that old saying, "Fake it till you make it?" Practice smiling for a minute or two in the mirror in the morning. Listen to happy songs. Go out and mingle on the dance floor.

Being social is something that we all have to work on. Most of my friends think I'm the confident one although I'm an introvert. You just have to work on it.

Sever that past away from you. Cut ties with people who are not worth it. Stand up for yourself because you deserve better.

 

[CivilEngineer]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I've went to my local church and found a group of friends who have invited me to join them for bible study, and they've asked if I could join them in a few activities that they might get involved with. I feel very welcomed and understood there.

I hope to use this opportunity to change myself. From reading all of your responses, I think the best decision for me is to wait until I'm back on my own feet before I look for someone to know better.

Thanks again.

 

[Neve]

In my experience, "I'm an engineer" by itself is a great pick-up line for the ladies. (Use it only if you are an engineer.)