If you leave, you will never be able to come back.
It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. (Hebrews 6:4-6)
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (Hebrews 10:26-31)
I say, and I warn you sternly, this is no game you are playing. If you turn from Christ, you will not be able to turn back to him.
Christianity is not some pleasure cruise to heaven. You can either endure the trials, no matter how hard they get, or fall away to certain destruction.
"I feel awful for wanting these thoughts and feelings, like I am evil at heart."
I can sympathize with you, I know what it is like to have these thoughts and feelings, yet they confirm what I already know about myself, and I can say the same is true to you. You don't feel evil at heart because you have these thought and feelings, you ARE evil at heart, regardless of how you feel.
Please, turn away from these thoughts and attitudes, it is nothing but a pitty party that will end in utter ruin. This is not some game, not a time to be "angry" at God or yourself, but a time to seek mercy. Please, for the sake of your own soul, press onwards.
Would you rather deal with probabilities or absolutes?
If you turn now, there is no hope. If you seek mercy, it may be found. Don't be a fool and commit eternal suicide.
I am going to send you some sermons to listen to and I pray that they might open your eyes. Please, I beg you, don't let other people decide what to do for you.
Remember, Christ said to count the costs. The very fact that you made this thread gives almost certain proof that you have never been converted, never truly born again; for all of God's children will endure to the end. I am unable to say what you state is for sure, but I beg you,
"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in youunless, of course, you fail the test?" (2 Corinthians 13:5)
Here is what Christ said about being His disciple in Luke 14:25-35
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sistersyes, even his own lifehe cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'
"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
You aren't saved because you have "accepted" Christ into your heart. You aren't saved because you said a prayer, walked an isle, signed a card, asked Jesus into your heart. If you are saved, it is because God has given you grace and allowed you to repent and have faith in His son.
I suggest you cast your feelings aside and see what the word of God says. Don't gamble with your eternal soul.
Read Jeremiah 17: 5/7/9/10/14
This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."
O LORD, the hope of Israel,
all who forsake you will be put to shame.
Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust
because they have forsaken the LORD,
the spring of living water.
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.
One last verse I leave with you to consider,Jeramiah 32:40. It is a new covenant promise to all those who are born again.
"I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me."
Meditate on this verse, does this describe you? By the title of this thread, and the fact that you are asking others if you should stay with Christianity would suggest that it doesn't. However, I am unable to make that judgment for you.
If this verse does describe you truly, than it is good evidence that you are saved.
If it does not describe you, then please do not try to convince yourself that this dose not apply to you. Don't deceive yourself. You cannot be saved at one moment and have hopes of heaven then do something terrible and lose salvation.
Please, I beg you, examine yourself. If you are lost, admit it frankly and seek mercy. Don't sit there and try to look for evidence that you are saved, you will only fool yourself to your disappointment. However, if you turn now, there might yet be hope.
Don't gamble with your eternal soul, this is not some game. You can choose to disregard this message to your own loss or you can heed it. Please, don't turn away from the only salvation possible.
I know what you are going through, the thoughts are simply unbearable at times and are a constant drone. I have spent nights on the floor writhing in agony because of them but you must resist.
