Should I date?

[Sinner and a saint]

I'm struggling with this question. Should I date/court/see someone? Part of me wants to, part of thinks it might be unwise.

I'm in high school. I have never had a serious girlfriend. Only crushes and stuff. In one way I feel like I might not be mature enough. But maybe I am. I can't get married yet, so does that mean I shouldn't date? Is it God's will for me to on way or another?

Everyone my age dates, it seems like. I've read Joshua Harris's book I kissed Dating Goodbye. Some of the stuff I agreed with, but it also didn't all seem plausible.

I don't want to date just to end up having my heart broken. I don't want to date lots of girls and have pieces of my heart missing when I get married. In what ways could I date that would be appropriate for a Christian teen?

This is just something I've been struggling with lately. I know that I mostly only post about dating and asking for advice. I hope this is the right forum for it.

Thanks

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Don't expect a high school relationship to last forever. They never do.

 

[yourstrulyjulie]

I disagree. I'm still with my only boyfriend, and we started dating in high school. If you're smart about it, you can date in high school.

 

[TheOliveSeed]

The reasons you gave aren't good motivations to start dating, I believe. Just because everyone dates doesn’t mean you should do it now too. And just because you’ve never had a serious girlfriend doesn’t mean you should now go out looking for one either. When you find someone you’re interested in, get to know her and be friends and then see where it takes you. But don't date because others are doing so or because you feel you should have had a serious girlfriend by now, which you shouldn't even be worried about as you're only in high school. Go at your own pace and build friendships first.

 

[Luther073082]

You are going to have to risk having your heart broken if you want to get married eventually. High School, college, adulthood you could get your heart broke no matter how old you are. The heartbreak is worth it in the end anyways.

As far as high school relationships. . . they sometimes work out and people do marry their high school sweathearts, so it can happen, but most high school relationships don't work out.

As far as maturity, only you can determine if you are old enough to date. I don't belive you need to be old enough to get married to date, but you have to be mature enough that you date for a purpose. In otherwords you limit yourself to dating people that could potentially be marriage partners.

So there is a level of maturity that you should have in terms of dating with a purpose. But I don't belive that you need to be mature enough to get married in order to date. First of all because dating can take some time and in that time that you are just dating you can grow in maturity so that when you are both mature enough for marriage and ready in all other respects, you have a person you can marry.

Secondly is that dating, if done in the right spirit can help grow you into being mature enough for marriage.

Also I want to say this. . . to be completly honest Christians in general make way too big of a deal about dating. It is quite honestly the most over written about and over talked about topic in all of Christianity. Here are the basic rules I would take biblically from dating, if you want I could look up scripture references and give explainations.

1. Only date people you can potentially marry. This means but is not limited to only dating other Christians who are committed to their faith.

2. Don't have sex in any form.

3. Always remember that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Never is this more true then in marriage, use dating as a way to prepare for marriage and learn to love the person you are dating as much as you love yourself.

4. This goes with #1 the purpose of dating is finding a marriage partner. This doesn't mean that you have to be ready to marry on day 1. But what this means is that while dating can be fun we arn't dating simpily for the fun of it. Especially as you become more serious in a relationship there needs to be a future plan. While its not a good idea to rush into marriage, especially at a young age, its also not a good idea to delay marriage for ages and ages.

Really though if there is one message I could have you take away from all of this is that you should just keep some basic rules in mind and don't overthink this stuff. I find it quite bothersome that Christians are so obcessed with this topic, its a little scary and quite frankly kinda creepy.

You don't need a book on this stuff other then your bible. The bible doesn't spend a lot of time on this stuff, so I don't understand why Christians obcess over it so much.

 

[Fatally.Yours]

I disagree. I'm still with my only boyfriend, and we started dating in high school. If you're smart about it, you can date in high school.

I've been with mine for over a year, but I reckon we were helped by the fact we didn't go to the same school. It's much more difficult when you do.

 

[citizenthom]

You have the right purpose for dating in mind. The problem is, you're likely to be alone in that. Date for fun, date casually, try to get a feel for how the female mind works; but don't expect anyone to be particularly serious about dating for marriage in high school. It's just not how high-schoolers are.

Also, get away from Joshua Harris. His ideas have done far more harm than good; and he has in fact recanted most of what he said in I Kissed Dating Goodbye in later books because it was such rubbish.

 

[Sinner and a saint]

Thanks for all the points of view. I guess maybe I will date but I'll be careful about it. I think you guys have helped give me some guidelines on how to date as a christian in today's world. But what kind of physical boundaries should I set? I've never kissed a girl. I want my first kiss to be at least moderately special.

 

[citizenthom]

That's the most subjective question of all. All I can say concretely is, avoid activity and situations that might lead to sexual behavior. That's going to be highly specific to you and whomever you're dating. Most people can kiss, even kiss deeply, without worrying about tumbling into bed. "Making out" (long kissing sessions combined with cuddling/petting) is where the fuzzy area starts for most people.

Physical touch is important for forming human connections, but some people of both genders really struggle with drawing boundaries. Know your limits, know your partner's, and as a man, take the lead in setting the "line" and STICKING TO IT no matter what.

 

[mahlalie]

I dated my high school sweetheart for years after high school was over before she dumped me. I came to the conclusion that most people don't know who they are, who they want to be, or what they want to do in life at that age. They end up deciding that in the middle of your relationship, and you may or may not be compatible.

 

[Luther073082]

You have the right purpose for dating in mind. The problem is, you're likely to be alone in that. Date for fun, date casually, try to get a feel for how the female mind works; but don't expect anyone to be particularly serious about dating for marriage in high school. It's just not how high-schoolers are.

Also, get away from Joshua Harris. His ideas have done far more harm than good; and he has in fact recanted most of what he said in I Kissed Dating Goodbye in later books because it was such rubbish.

Do you have a link or source for that? Not that I don't belive you but I'm against most of that stuff too and it would be excellent to prove to people that even the author now think's its rubbish.

 

[citizenthom]

Do you have a link or source for that? Not that I don't belive you but I'm against most of that stuff too and it would be excellent to prove to people that even the author now think's its rubbish.

My wife tells me he does so in his second book, Boy Meets Girl.

 

[Luther073082]

My wife tells me he does so in his second book, Boy Meets Girl.

I read on Wikipedia that he said he didn't want people to take the book legalistically but it didn't say anything about recanting the whole book.

Meh, personally I'm just so freaking tired over the protestant obcession with dating.

Honestly I can walk into any Christian book store and find more different books on dating and sex then can books/documents that where written by authors in the first 1900 years of the church history combined. (Bibles excluded)

And honestly thats just out and out sad. The Christian faith has such a rich history that aught to be important to us. Go into a Christian book store, find something written by Melanthon, Calvin, Westly, Augustine, Luther, Irenaus, Walther. You can't bloody do it, and if you can find one bleeding book by one of them you will have to look forever to find it. But go into any Christian bookstore and you can find 10 different books on dating in 2 freaking minutes.

Its ridiculous and quite sad that I can find more writings from the church's history in a freaking barnes and nobles then I can a Christian book store.

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Thanks for all the points of view. I guess maybe I will date but I'll be careful about it. I think you guys have helped give me some guidelines on how to date as a christian in today's world. But what kind of physical boundaries should I set? I've never kissed a girl. I want my first kiss to be at least moderately special.

Set the boundaries at where you're comfortable. Don't do more than you're comfortable with because you feel pressured, but equally don't do less than you're comfortable with because you feel pressured from people on the other side. And don't be afraid to tell the girl what you want.

 

[josephbonello]

i think date only if your mature enough in christ and only for the ultimate purpose of marraige

 

[Sister of Faith]

Better to cocentrate on your study, intrests, the good things your are good at.
I don't thing that dating will add anything to your personality, and you may find after sometime that you have made a mistake!

 

[explodingboy]

You have the right purpose for dating in mind. The problem is, you're likely to be alone in that. Date for fun, date casually, try to get a feel for how the female mind works;

Wait a min... you have the right purpose for dating in mind.. so forget that and just do what everyone else does instead..

but don't expect anyone to be particularly serious about dating for marriage in high school. It's just not how high-schoolers are.

So you stick to your guns, and you'll end up finding like minded souls.

 

[citizenthom]

Wait a min... you have the right purpose for dating in mind.. so forget that and just do what everyone else does instead..

More along the lines of: dating like that is OK, but don't be surprised or hurt if you have a hard time finding girls who will date on those terms.

 

[DeaneRenata]

Lol hon I am definably going to date only because I am lonely lol I was on here seeing if I could flirt with you boys but it looks like I am not allowed into the guys forum...

 

[Xenocide]

I don't want to date just to end up having my heart broken. I don't want to date lots of girls and have pieces of my heart missing when I get married. In what ways could I date that would be appropriate for a Christian teen?

Why not, it will be the sweetest sorrow you'll ever know

Honestly what it is about being a christian that makes people concoct imaginary consequences for doing the things they want? Oh wait I know...