Should I Break Up With Him? (Men's Advice Needed)

[rita727]

Sounds like you need to try, especially if you ever expect to marry one.

Exactly what "boundary" have you asked him to set which he has not?

Hi CitizenThorn,
Forgive me for being overly general. THIS is what bothers me: He makes boundaries that are her-dependent; I'd like a boundary that is HIM-dependent, and boundaries that'll be instilled regardless if it's her, or another anyone else.

For instance, I noticed that male hairdressers make my boyfriend jealous. So, for him, I have women style my hair. Notice, this new boundary was based on me, not the hairdresser's availability.

Here's another example,True story: I was sitting alone and a male friend sat and talked to me during lunch. My boyfriend saw us. After the friend left, he told me that the friend and I eating alone, upset him. After that, I chose to eat with this friend with my other friends around also. Because I set up this boundary, my boyfriend's paranoia for this guy was a one-time event. Why? Because after seeing how upset he was, I changed my actions to avoid hurting his feelings again. THAT is what I want him to do for me.

IamBren said it well: my boyfriend is daft, somewhat. But what confuses me is that my boyfriend is turning 27: Not 17; Not 21. I should not have to hold his hand to steer him clear, or to help him make big-boy decisions by now. If he's mature enough to marry, he should also be mature enough to apply self-dependent boundaries, way before marriage. I've brought this thought up with him as well, by the way. His answer is the same: He says I can trust him, but as far as specific boundaries, he gives none.

According to him, he hates conflict and he hates "making her feel bad." To me, boundaries aren't about making someone feel bad, they're about making sure respect is respected. Make sense?

 

[rita727]

They're fine for people who aren't paranoid about being cheated on.

You avoided my question. WHICH thing was fine exactly?

In your situation, the best thing you can do is attempt to reach out to both of them. Let them know you want to build your own friendship with this girl as well, but not in a worry, but because you genuinely care about having a friendship.

Most of my friends are female and many of them my wife has adopted as friends herself. It's great to see her having her own friendships with my friends.

Niobium,

How many of your female friends was your wife skeptical of beforehand?

My boyfriend has other female friends. They're great. We talk and hang out. Just like you said your wife adopted MOST of your opposite sex friends, I've done the same with him. I've adopted MOST. Just not this particular one: She's shady. I'm nice to her out of respect. And that is all.

He's asked me to add her on Facebook. Forget that. A woman who allows herself into my boyfriend's bedroom is not my friend.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Niobium,

How many of your female friends was your wife skeptical of beforehand?

My boyfriend has other female friends. They're great. We talk and hang out. Just like you said your wife adopted MOST of your opposite sex friends, I've done the same with him. I've adopted MOST. Just not this particular one: She's shady. I'm nice to her out of respect. And that is all.

He's asked me to add her on Facebook. Forget that. A woman who allows herself into my boyfriend's bedroom is not my friend.

None, there are just a few I didn't talk to as much anymore over the years. The ones I'm closest to she is good friends with, including an ex-girlfriend of mine that I still talk to. They found a good friendship through a common interest. I find that funny seeing as the girl I was dating before my wife seemed to think that I was still in love with my ex... but then, she thought I was in love with everyone who wasn't her. I swore after that mess that I'd never date someone who was jealous ever again. Lucked out a month later when I met my wife.

I do think you're going overboard about the bedroom thing. One thing you've failed to mention is WHY he had her in the bedroom. I think people in general tend to flip out too easily over things like this when there is no real reason to be. Bedroom doesn't instantly mean sex. A bedroom is a place you sleep and keep things of value to yourself. Was he showing her something that was in the bedroom? Were they simply talking while he was showing her around? I've had plenty of females in my bedroom with pure intentions on both ends. The thing that matters in a situation like this is the reasoning behind it rather than the location.

American media has really skewed the thoughts of people. I mean, God forbid if he had a studio apartment and the bed was in the main sitting room. Just bringing someone home would instantly mean he wanted to sleep with them according to some people.