Should I Break Up With Him? (Men's Advice Needed)

[rita727]

Thank you for reading.

Im unsure if my boyfriend likes his female friend (FF), or if it's only my jealousy.

He's known her for at least 6-12 months, but since they're from different countries they've never met face to face. Til school started. About 1 month after school started, we met each other and, later, became exclusive.

Here's what he's done:

1) He invited his FF to study alone with him at his apartment. I dont care if you study with her, but why alone... at your apartment? Why not in a public place, or with friends over? He did let me know about this after he told her to come over. After telling him it was unwise, he changed his mind on her. But, I dont know why how this jumped over his head in the first place.

2) He let her into his bedroom. Different day. He apologized later.

3) Sometimes he brings her into conversations at odd times, over and over. For example, let's say we're talking about school. He'll bring her up, his conversations with her and what was going on in her life. Ok, fine. When I brought the topic back to school, he'll re-talk about her. I find this odd.

4) When I asked him to add boundaries with her--since she acts shady around me and has told him that she likes him. In meeting her for "boundaries", he told her: "I feel we should stop hanging out this much, because when we hang out this much, I feel like you should be my girlfriend." WHO says that?! And WHY would you say that to her, when you've told me that you want to be with me?

When talking about boundaries, he's told me that he'll keep talking to her (ok), but that if she calls or talks to him, he'll answer.

We've seen each other's families. And he's proposed to me. But this all confuses me. Apart of me feels like he likes the attention--ALOT, but I'm unsure if my jealousy is valid here or not.

Advice? Words of wisdom?

Thanks a lot,
-Rita

 

[citizenthom]

Most guys in this situation would be slow to respond to your concerns. He has not: he has listened and been attentive. You ask him not to hang out with so much. He does so. You ask him to limit the situations in which he does hang out with her. He's done so. And you're still struggling with jealousy.

No offense sister, but this sounds like an issue with you and not with him. You need seriously to examine why you don't trust your boyfriend when he's doing everything you ask. AND THIS:

And he's proposed to me.

If you are having this much trouble trusting him despite a proposal, then do not marry him yet, for both your sakes.

 

[iambren]

Funny, but he sounds ok to me. I could see myself behaving the same way. Guys can be clueless and slow when it comes to relational/emotional issues. The tricky thing is you are HIS woman but he kinda likes this female stroking on the side, and he may not even be aware of it or honest with himself!

He needs you to guide him. His responses to you have been honorable, now you just need to find a way to keep her out of your territory. He's bonded to some degree--maybe you could take a week away together and talk it up (to her) big-time when you get back.

 

[renewed21]

Thank you for reading.

Here's what he's done:

1) He invited his FF to study alone with him at his apartment. I dont care if you study with her, but why alone... at your apartment? Why not in a public place, or with friends over? He did let me know about this after he told her to come over. After telling him it was unwise, he changed his mind on her. But, I dont know why how this jumped over his head in the first place.

In light of the fact that she told him that she likes him, he should know better and IMO, I think that he does.

2) He let her into his bedroom. Different day. He apologized later.

Always wrong

3) Sometimes he brings her into conversations at odd times, over and over. For example, let's say we're talking about school. He'll bring her up, his conversations with her and what was going on in her life. Ok, fine. When I brought the topic back to school, he'll re-talk about her. I find this odd.

This is not only odd, but indicative of how much he thinks about her.

4) When I asked him to add boundaries with her--since she acts shady around me and has told him that she likes him. In meeting her for "boundaries", he told her: "I feel we should stop hanging out this much, because when we hang out this much, I feel like you should be my girlfriend." WHO says that?! And WHY would you say that to her, when you've told me that you want to be with me?

This is very disrespectful to you, since exclusivity has been agreed upon and he proposed to you.

We've seen each other's families. And he's proposed to me. But this all confuses me. Apart of me feels like he likes the attention--ALOT, but I'm unsure if my jealousy is valid here or not.

Agreed. Jealousy no. Disrespected yes.

Advice? Words of wisdom?

Thanks a lot,
-Rita

He needs to stop playing around or agree to not be in a commited, serious relationship. Don't put up with this crap.

 

[dayhiker]

Any change this girl from another country wants to use your BF to get US citizenship?

I think each of you don't have the situation quite right. He is probably somewhat innocent. Yet clueless as to how she might be using him. You probably are somewhat jealous. Clearly more communication is needed. use this as a growing experience. instead of you defining the boundaries, both of you work them out together so you both have ownership in them.

 

[gods prophetess]

praying for you be encouraged keep the faith

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Here's the situation in a nutshell: you're essentially driving him into her arms.

Think of it in terms of inception:Here are two people whom obviously have a very good friendship, which in itself is innocent and fine. She's obviously attracted to him, he's had some thoughts about her as a girlfriend. It's fine. We're human. What matters is the decisions he decides to make which to this point seems to be pretty respectable.

However, if this is something you constantly bring up with him or argue about, you're going to end up sending him into her arms out of your own jealousy.

In your situation, the best thing you can do is attempt to reach out to both of them. Let them know you want to build your own friendship with this girl as well, but not in a worry, but because you genuinely care about having a friendship.

Most of my friends are female and many of them my wife has adopted as friends herself. It's great to see her having her own friendships with my friends.

 

[The Nihilist]

You should break up with him. You should do it because you don't trust him. I think you're wrong and I don't think he's being inappropriate, but if you can't deal with how he interacts with his friends, you should split up.

 

[Puptart]

He has boundary issues and that wouldn't be cool with me. I'd probably break it off because he seems to be playing games in my opinion for a guy who has apparently proposed and I personally couldn't trust a guy like that. If this were some random relationship three weeks in or something, I might change my tune and say "Well things aren't serious commitment here yet", but if you're gonna get married to this guy? He has to stop throwing around mixed signals in my book.

Notice though that I do say "Because I couldn't trust him." The reason I'd break it off is basically because I don't feel the relationship would work going into the future since I need to be with someone who creates defined boundaries and sticks to them (and I am with a person like that) -- boundaries that I wouldn't have to tell him to make, but rather that he would make on his own because he respects me.

Edit: I totally didn't see the "men's advice" thing until later when the post popped up in my subscription list.. still, I'll just leave this here

 

[Johnnz]

Any change this girl from another country wants to use your BF to get US citizenship?

That was my first thought too, both freedom and a trophy. Maybe a nest egg too at some stage.

John
NZ

 

[rita727]

Any change this girl from another country wants to use your BF to get US citizenship?

I think each of you don't have the situation quite right. He is probably somewhat innocent. Yet clueless as to how she might be using him. You probably are somewhat jealous. Clearly more communication is needed. use this as a growing experience. instead of you defining the boundaries, both of you work them out together so you both have ownership in them.

That was my first thought too, both freedom and a trophy. Maybe a nest egg too at some stage.

John
NZ

I highly doubt it. I'm American. He's from an African country. So is she. So she couldnt get a nest egg from him or vise-versa.

 

[rita727]

You should break up with him. You should do it because you don't trust him. I think you're wrong and I don't think he's being inappropriate, but if you can't deal with how he interacts with his friends, you should split up.

HOW is he being appropriate at all?

I've shown the things that have happened, over time. And all that's OK?

I dont care that he has female friends....I just want boundaries. Clear boundaries.

 

[rita727]

He has boundary issues and that wouldn't be cool with me. I'd probably break it off because he seems to be playing games in my opinion for a guy who has apparently proposed and I personally couldn't trust a guy like that. If this were some random relationship three weeks in or something, I might change my tune and say "Well things aren't serious commitment here yet", but if you're gonna get married to this guy? He has to stop throwing around mixed signals in my book.

Notice though that I do say "Because I couldn't trust him." The reason I'd break it off is basically because I don't feel the relationship would work going into the future since I need to be with someone who creates defined boundaries and sticks to them (and I am with a person like that) -- boundaries that I wouldn't have to tell him to make, but rather that he would make on his own because he respects me.

Edit: I totally didn't see the "men's advice" thing until later when the post popped up in my subscription list.. still, I'll just leave this here

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Whenever I share my problem with women, they say the same thing: BOUNDARY ISSUES! Which is what I'm feeling also.

But that was also why I posted this thread for men. To see, what men would think from a MAN'S point of view. And from a man's point of view, all this is ok. I still don't see how.

As for the boyfriend, after we talked about miscellaneous things, and about the relationship. He said I could trust him. I want to. I really do. But my intuition, I dont know. I feel that he likes the attention, and the drama--over him--which makes me sick inside; I also feel that he does have some attraction for her. I know that as long as a person is BREATHING they will find someone else attractive. I do too. But the difference is I dont ACT on the attraction, because I respect the relationship.

I agree. I wouldnt want to hold a man's hand to through Boundary Making 101. He should do it himself. Out of respect. This hurts to think about.

 

[Puptart]

But that was also why I posted this thread for men. To see, what men would think from a MAN'S point of view. And from a man's point of view, all this is ok. I still don't see how.

This problem is partially because men and women think very differently, so it all comes down to making compromises.. the thing is, why would you want to spend your life compromising your basic needs?

People can't help who and what they are. Some people are naturally trusting and lax boundaries aren't an issue.. some people can suck up their emotions even if they are not entirely fine. Other people need very specific things in order to just.. be sane (this would be me, for one)

What this means is simply not every two people are compatible, plain and simple. If, as a man, you are with a woman who needs by nature (because remember we can't change who and what we are) proper boundaries with regard to opposite-sex friends, you only have two choices: Implement boundaries.. or the relationship isn't going to work.

If you're the girl who really needs to see these boundaries in place, and you're with a guy who is unwilling to understand and respect that because he just wants to do whatever he wants to do and really not have to take anyone else into account ("She should just accept it" mentality, which may be the man's nature).. what do you think the future is going to look like if you force that relationship to continue?

There is Option #3 of course: Both sides make concessions.. you bite your tongue about being upset about some of the contact with FF, and he restricts some of his contact with FF even if he doesn't want to.. know what that gives you?

Two very miserable people.

Know what else is true? There is someone out there in the world who you would not need to make these compromises with. I know because I've found one and there has got to be more than one out there I figure.

Just something to think about.

Oh.. there is one more option, actually. And that's everyone sits down, talks it out, and everyone just happens to magically understand the other person's position and mutually agree on a direction forward that somehow is favorable to both parties. In my opinion, the odds of people just "getting" someone else's nature and being able to change their worldview and actions accordingly are slim... I'm still more in favor of seeking a more compatible match, but I'm a bit cynical so that's to be expected

 

[rita727]

This problem is partially because men and women think very differently, so it all comes down to making compromises.. the thing is, why would you want to spend your life compromising your basic needs?

People can't help who and what they are. Some people are naturally trusting and lax boundaries aren't an issue.. some people can suck up their emotions even if they are not entirely fine. Other people need very specific things in order to just.. be sane (this would be me, for one)

What this means is simply not every two people are compatible, plain and simple. If, as a man, you are with a woman who needs by nature (because remember we can't change who and what we are) proper boundaries with regard to opposite-sex friends, you only have two choices: Implement boundaries.. or the relationship isn't going to work.

If you're the girl who really needs to see these boundaries in place, and you're with a guy who is unwilling to understand and respect that because he just wants to do whatever he wants to do and really not have to take anyone else into account ("She should just accept it" mentality, which may be the man's nature).. what do you think the future is going to look like if you force that relationship to continue?

There is Option #3 of course: Both sides make concessions.. you bite your tongue about being upset about some of the contact with FF, and he restricts some of his contact with FF even if he doesn't want to.. know what that gives you?

Two very miserable people.

Know what else is true? There is someone out there in the world who you would not need to make these compromises with. I know because I've found one and there has got to be more than one out there I figure.

Just something to think about.

Oh.. there is one more option, actually. And that's everyone sits down, talks it out, and everyone just happens to magically understand the other person's position and mutually agree on a direction forward that somehow is favorable to both parties. In my opinion, the odds of people just "getting" someone else's nature and being able to change their worldview and actions accordingly are slim... I'm still more in favor of seeking a more compatible match, but I'm a bit cynical so that's to be expected

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot say it enough

Your post speaks much truth to me.

I'm also cynical by nature, like you. I'm also someone who likes things outlined black-and-white. This particular situation is quite weird actually. As you put it, he's more "she should accept what I do, regardless" type attitude. But, honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot---I KNOW he'd be HIGHLY upset. Smh.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I agree that it sounds like there are some boundary issues.

If you are uncomfortable with something, he needs to consider that, and that doesn't make you clingy or distrustful or smothering. We all have our own needs. It's completely reasonable that you need him to be able to make and maintain boundaries with his female friends. You're just asking for boundaries, you aren't trying to control him, and you definitely aren't driving him into her arms.

If he can't understand what you need or thinks that you need to just suck it up, then that's a problem.

 

[Puptart]

I'm also cynical by nature, like you. I'm also someone who likes things outlined black-and-white. This particular situation is quite weird actually. As you put it, he's more "she should accept what I do, regardless" type attitude. But, honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot---I KNOW he'd be HIGHLY upset. Smh.

My mother in law gave me some good advice when my husband and I got married.. there was some family drama surrounding the time of our wedding and she said simply "When two people get married, everyone else needs to take at least one step back," meaning priority is always directed to the spouse or spouse-to-be, everyone else (even close family, close friends) come after. It was strong words coming from someone so close in the family.. because she was essentially saying "Not even I'm more important than you," which was very selfless of her, and it was also very good advice.

This is why I have trouble with the "She should just get over it" attitude.. it's not that simple once you bring marriage into play. That friend, be her female OR male (because let's face it, if this were a male friend who was simply bringing negative things into your fiance's life, we'd be having a similar conversation about boundaries) needs to come second in the priority list, if not a lot further down the list than second, because he has made a very big commitment to you in the form of a marriage proposal.

Why men cannot understand this.. is beyond me.

Oh and the whole "You're pushing him away" stuff is a real thorn in my side Come on guys, grow up, that's child's play.. "If you push me, I'm going to rebel against you and do the opposite!" -- Really? That's what you want to fall back on?

Anyway.. Whatever you choose to do going into the future, at the very list I think it might just be time the two of you sat down and had a very long talk about all of this to try and figure out where you stand.

 

[citizenthom]

But that was also why I posted this thread for men. To see, what men would think from a MAN'S point of view. And from a man's point of view, all this is ok. I still don't see how.

Sounds like you need to try, especially if you ever expect to marry one.

Exactly what "boundary" have you asked him to set which he has not?

 

[The Nihilist]

HOW is he being appropriate at all?

I've shown the things that have happened, over time. And all that's OK?

I dont care that he has female friends....I just want boundaries. Clear boundaries.

They're fine for people who aren't paranoid about being cheated on. Like I said, you obviously don't trust him, so dump him.

 

[rita727]

I agree that it sounds like there are some boundary issues.

If you are uncomfortable with something, he needs to consider that, and that doesn't make you clingy or distrustful or smothering. We all have our own needs. It's completely reasonable that you need him to be able to make and maintain boundaries with his female friends. You're just asking for boundaries, you aren't trying to control him, and you definitely aren't driving him into her arms.

If he can't understand what you need or thinks that you need to just suck it up, then that's a problem.

K9, I agree. It is a problem.

My mother in law gave me some good advice when my husband and I got married.. there was some family drama surrounding the time of our wedding and she said simply "When two people get married, everyone else needs to take at least one step back," meaning priority is always directed to the spouse or spouse-to-be, everyone else (even close family, close friends) come after. It was strong words coming from someone so close in the family.. because she was essentially saying "Not even I'm more important than you," which was very selfless of her, and it was also very good advice.

This is why I have trouble with the "She should just get over it" attitude.. it's not that simple once you bring marriage into play. That friend, be her female OR male (because let's face it, if this were a male friend who was simply bringing negative things into your fiance's life, we'd be having a similar conversation about boundaries) needs to come second in the priority list, if not a lot further down the list than second, because he has made a very big commitment to you in the form of a marriage proposal.

Why men cannot understand this.. is beyond me.

Oh and the whole "You're pushing him away" stuff is a real thorn in my side Come on guys, grow up, that's child's play.. "If you push me, I'm going to rebel against you and do the opposite!" -- Really? That's what you want to fall back on?

Anyway.. Whatever you choose to do going into the future, at the very list I think it might just be time the two of you sat down and had a very long talk about all of this to try and figure out where you stand.

Puptart, I agree with what you're MIL said, and that's actually very kind advice that she gave you.

To be very, very frank with you, I am TIRED of bringing her up. We've talked about this chick so many times, it is stupid. I feel like a broken record. And THIS is not a good sign either.

We've talked about her. His words are always the same:
-She's my friend.
-I know her and her family.
-Rita, I agree that her behavior is odd for a friend.
-I agree that she is not worth this drama between me and you.
-I know she makes you uncomfortable.
-If she talks to me, I will still talk to her.