I am upset that my husband had a meeting in San Francisco and afterwards went out to have "drinks". He told me it would be no big deal and not to worry. I am upset about the fact that before he left that day, he said he would only have a few and be home around a certain time. I asked him to call me to be respectful. When all said and done, he did not call me till he was finished for the evening and stayed out later than he said. It upset me that he totally forgot about me when he was out with other people. He does not acknowledge any of it, and thinks I am making too much of it. Am I.
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Should I be Upset?
- Thread starter chriswil
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yeshuaskid
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Personally speaking, if he's done this before, then I would be upset. It's hard to remember that we don't share the same mindset as our husbands. It is frustrating! I've been in this type of psition before. It's not fun to feel like you've been forgotten. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't acknowledge any of it. He may truly not think it's a big deal. If it were me, I would sit down and talk to my husband and explain how I'm feeling. Most men, don't want want to hurt their wives and don't realize they are. The first line of defense is to pray. Ask God to guide your words and actions before you speak to your husband. Second, try (this is hard) to not accuse. Often, a husband (or wife, children, anyone) wil shut you off as soon as you sound accusatory. I'll be praying for you. God Bless...
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I guess if it were me, before I got too mad I would have to know a few things first, like.......
Who was he out having drinks with? If it was a planned, social-type situation with many of his co-workers then it might be understandable that he lost track of time. However, if he said he was alone or if he was with a female THAT would be a different story and it would be a big problem. My H is a sports-nut so another exception would be if he became engrossed in a ball game that went into overtime or something.
Also, it would depend on how late he was. If he said he'd call at 10:00 and ended up calling at 11:00 would be one thing (I might be mildly irritated but probably not completely outraged).....if he said he'd call at 10:00 and didn't call until the next morning, that would be another problem.
Unless you have a gut feeling or vibe that something more went on while he was there, then I would think the biggest issue is the fact that you felt unimportant and instead of him reassuring you, he became defensive and thus, insensitive in understanding what you really needed from him.
Who was he out having drinks with? If it was a planned, social-type situation with many of his co-workers then it might be understandable that he lost track of time. However, if he said he was alone or if he was with a female THAT would be a different story and it would be a big problem. My H is a sports-nut so another exception would be if he became engrossed in a ball game that went into overtime or something.
Also, it would depend on how late he was. If he said he'd call at 10:00 and ended up calling at 11:00 would be one thing (I might be mildly irritated but probably not completely outraged).....if he said he'd call at 10:00 and didn't call until the next morning, that would be another problem.
Unless you have a gut feeling or vibe that something more went on while he was there, then I would think the biggest issue is the fact that you felt unimportant and instead of him reassuring you, he became defensive and thus, insensitive in understanding what you really needed from him.
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yeshuaskid
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andiesmama
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I'm pretty laid back, if it were my husband I'd probably let it slide, if he wasn't too late calling. It's no fun being away from your spouse in a totally different time and more than likely he was out with his buddies & just lost track of time. Even if he didn't call you until morning, he probably didn't want to wake you up.
And I agree, men DO have a totally different mindset than us women! He may not realize how much you were worried or concerned and thought he had your best interests in mind if he waited on calling you.
If it was just a one-time thing, I'd just let him know you were worried because he didn't call you and LISTEN to his side of the story!!
And I agree, men DO have a totally different mindset than us women! He may not realize how much you were worried or concerned and thought he had your best interests in mind if he waited on calling you.
If it was just a one-time thing, I'd just let him know you were worried because he didn't call you and LISTEN to his side of the story!!
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Thanks for all the replies. It's not just the fact that he went after a business meeting and had a couple of drinks with his co-workers and stayed longer than he said. It's that we just moved here and I left all my kids and friends behind. He works and I stay home all day alone. It gets very lonely. He comes home for lunch pretty much and tries to be home at a reasonable time. I guess it was just the fact that he was doing his thing and he didn't think at all to call and check on me or let me know what was up knowing I was home all day and into the evening. Just a phone call. I just think of it as a little kid that took advandage.
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Just a few things to keep in mind...
You are hurting right now and so every slight feels a lot worse than it really is. He has people to go out and have a few drinks with - his colleagues - and you don't yet. That's hard.
A few drinks after a meeting is not always the social ocassion is sounds like. An awful lot of business gets done at those informal times, and an awful lot of sizing people up and feeling them out gets done at those times as well. They really are not optional, and they go on as long as the power brokers are present. Or it could have been a group of guys just having a good time...Yes, he could break away when he went to the restroom and call... Does he have a cell? Depending upon where he is, there isn't always celll service in buildings, and there are fewer and fewer pay phones around becasue everyone has cell phones.
What I find interesting is that he won't talk about it with you. That's what makes me wonder... even having said all the things I did.
You are hurting right now and so every slight feels a lot worse than it really is. He has people to go out and have a few drinks with - his colleagues - and you don't yet. That's hard.
A few drinks after a meeting is not always the social ocassion is sounds like. An awful lot of business gets done at those informal times, and an awful lot of sizing people up and feeling them out gets done at those times as well. They really are not optional, and they go on as long as the power brokers are present. Or it could have been a group of guys just having a good time...Yes, he could break away when he went to the restroom and call... Does he have a cell? Depending upon where he is, there isn't always celll service in buildings, and there are fewer and fewer pay phones around becasue everyone has cell phones.
What I find interesting is that he won't talk about it with you. That's what makes me wonder... even having said all the things I did.
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Who is he having drinks with? Women? Why couldn't you go have drinks with them? (although I would like to add I am against drinking )
)
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I
InTheFlame
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It sounds like the best thing you can do might be to get yourself out and finding friends. Is there any reason you can't look for a job (I'm not suggesting you're not, but you didn't mention it)? How about starting a team sport or taking up a hobby that will get you together with others, or doing an adult education type course? It sounds to me as though you're very dependent on your hubby at the moment, and while that's understandable it's not a good state of affairs. Right now you're needing your hubby's company more than he needs yours, and that's only going to lead to you feeling unloved and hurt, and more arguments.
*huggggggggggggggg* God bless, and I hope you work it out.
*huggggggggggggggg* God bless, and I hope you work it out.
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yeshuaskid
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Those of us who are married can understand how you feel as a newlywed. Before every non-married person starts screaming at me...I didn't say you all weren't sympathetic. But, being married gives us a different perspective on it all. I never understood why men did the things they did when I wasn't married! I can honestly say that I still don't know what goes on that head of theirs a lot of the time! One thing I've learned form marriage, though, is that my husband loves me. When we wre first married, if he wasn't home when he should have been...I would feel the same way as you. I was hurt and felt unrespected. I'm a stay-at-home mom so I understand how hard it must be for you to be at home all day, longing for your husband to be with you. I agree with 'InTheFlame' that you need to get out among your peers. If not, you are just going to suffer and probably end up being angrier. If I could make one suggestion to you, it would be this...Sit you husband down and discuss your feelings with him. Many times a husband really doesn't know they are hurting you. I've learned that expressing myself has allowed my husband to see my heart. A truly loving husband will not want to hurt his wife. Talk to him...Tell him how much you love him... Tell him your having a rough time dealing with all the changes in your life. Most importantly, pray! We'll pray, too.
God Bless...
God Bless...
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Andy Broadley
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Saw a cartoon postcard once which had a picture of a wife in dressing gown and hair curlers stood by the kitchen door waiting for her husband to come home from the pub (bar). On the wall behind her was a rack of 5 frying pans each slightly bigger and heavier than the last. The smallest had a sign above it which said 11pm, the second said 12am, up to the largest and heaviest which said 3am.
Yes your husband was out of order, and it seems you have made your feelings about it clear to him. Let it go at that.
But if it happens again..........
Yes your husband was out of order, and it seems you have made your feelings about it clear to him. Let it go at that.
But if it happens again..........
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Resist the urge to go out with your girlfriends, stay out all night and keep him worrying. It's not right...but it would be so very tempting.
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Serenity Now!
the poster formerly known as Rev2:10
I agree with Yeshua's kid.
I was in a very similar situation like yours. We moved 2 1/2 hours away from home within a week of being married. He worked all the time and I stayed at home. I was in the middle of so many changes all at once! I felt bewildered and lonely. I didn't have any family or support from friends nearby. I was excellent at blowing things out of control because I had time all day to think about whatever was bothering me.
Pray, and ask God to speak through you like one poster suggested. If you ever need to talk or have some extra prayers, PM me!
I was in a very similar situation like yours. We moved 2 1/2 hours away from home within a week of being married. He worked all the time and I stayed at home. I was in the middle of so many changes all at once! I felt bewildered and lonely. I didn't have any family or support from friends nearby. I was excellent at blowing things out of control because I had time all day to think about whatever was bothering me.
Pray, and ask God to speak through you like one poster suggested. If you ever need to talk or have some extra prayers, PM me!
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