Should he change OR should I change?

[AudreyHepburn]

Good morning!

I have a question! This may sound petty but I'm curious what others think. I will just use an example to try and get at what I am trying to ask!

Lets say My husband and I are walking in the park where it's a little rocky and I accidently trip and go to fall but catch myself, okay?

Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone.

BUT I wish he was more, "Oh, honey are you okay? Let me help you."

Now, my question is, is it okay to want him to change in this way OR is it wrong for me to expect him to be a certain way? When I pray, should I pray that I change or that he changes?

I hope you know what I'm trying to ask. Thank you in advance!

 

[Johnnz]

Discuss that with him. Many men, ( that inclded me) needed to learn more about caring and sensitivity.

John
NZ

 

[tall73]

Talking to him first seems the obvious road. But if that yields little results then since you can only change yourself I would say that is the road to take.

Through prayer and example he may change. But you have no direct control over that.

Hence Peter's advice to wives with unbelieving spouses (not saying you have an unbelieving spouse, but it is an example of spiritual change) focuses on the wife's change of herself, with the hope that it would make an impression on the husband.

Remember to give thanks for what you do like about your husband as well. It perhaps is an overused thought, but true nonetheless that we tend to focus on the 10 percent our spouse doesn't do for us rather than the 90 they do.

And the other part of that is if you look for that 10 percent in others and compare you wind up resenting your spouse. Or you leave them and wind up with someone who has the 10 percent your husband lacked, but maybe only 30 percent of what you want.

Godliness with contentment is great gain.

 

[Athene]

Now, my question is, is it okay to want him to change in this way OR is it wrong for me to expect him to be a certain way? When I pray, should I pray that I change or that he changes?

I hope you know what I'm trying to ask. Thank you in advance!

Yes and no, you can't your husband to change his personality - but you can expect him to change the way he talks to you if it hurts you. You need to talk to him about this, and everytime he talks to you in a way that hurts you. He may not know that you're bothered by this

 

[AbidingInHim]

I agree with Athene

It is kinda pointlessto speculate who should change, bacause even if he could change only God has the power there ,decided that he should change doesn't do you any good, the only thing you can change is yourself

maybe Christ is using your husband to work in you more patience, more forgiveness, more love.....

Ask God how He wants you to change, specultion about your h changing is just taking away from focusing on what you have control over

God Bless

 

[clycleader]

Definately let him know that it felt hurtful when he says something that hurt your feelings. Maybe suggest something that you would like to hear instead.
Sometimes I know I get sarcastic and say something funny like "Oh, I'm fine thanks for asking?" or something like that. It makes my point, but avoids an argument. Humor sometiems helps me a lot.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Good morning!

I have a question! This may sound petty but I'm curious what others think. I will just use an example to try and get at what I am trying to ask!

Lets say My husband and I are walking in the park where it's a little rocky and I accidently trip and go to fall but catch myself, okay?

Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone.

BUT I wish he was more, "Oh, honey are you okay? Let me help you."

Now, my question is, is it okay to want him to change in this way OR is it wrong for me to expect him to be a certain way? When I pray, should I pray that I change or that he changes?

I hope you know what I'm trying to ask. Thank you in advance!

I wouldn't expect him to change because he's probably been that way for a long long time. If you want him to change, reward him for being considerate instead of rude in such situations. Go to him and lay down the ground rules. You might be able to condition him into being a gentleman.

 

[Johnnz]

If talking doesn't get anywhere you have a bigger issue to face. Some men have become 'shut off' from their feelings and sensitivity for whatever reason. They exist in their own worlds, which can be cold, logocal, fact based. Most things are for them - interests, the way things are done, sex etc.

If that is the case he needs to be challenged by other Christian men (pastor, counsellor etc). But, most likely he will not see a need to change, so you end up in the same place.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[TrustingmyLord]

I think you should pray that God will give you patience and help you to let these things go. I have often prayed that God will help me be the wife he wants me to be, and then, as my husband sees the changes God has made in my attitude, his attitude begins to change. You could also pray for him to be more understanding, but really, you need to pray for you. YOU are the only one that YOU can change. Let God work on you, then by your actions and gentle behavior, you will be a wonderful witness to your husband.

You could talk to him about this, yes. And it might not even be a bad idea... BUT, if you go talking to him about every little thing he does like that, you might end up nitpicking over everything. Granted, your example was a smaller one, but I think you know what I mean.

 

[RoseofLima]

I think in marriage we should both always be open to changing.

Since you are only in control of yourself- I would say change what you can change, accept what you cannot change- and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

The very best place to start would be to effectively communicate in an ongoing way about it-- like when he says things which hurt you feelings say "It hurts my feelings when you say x because it makes me feel (fill in blank). I would like it much better if you would say y, that would make me feel (fill in blank)."

Guys are not mind readers, and cannot know what we feel or how we feel unless we tell them. However it is our responsibility to tell them clearly and in a non-confrontational way.

 

[BigNorsk]

Well, if he said what you said he said in the way you said he said it, it would indicate he was trying to help you, he warned you of a potential hazard. His tone of voice was probably a bit hard to read because he was under stress from seeing you stumble.

If you are going to take a positive thing like a walk in the park with your husband and turn it into a negative because at some point he didn't say what you thought he should the way you thought he should, you are probably going to either get divorced or have an unhappy marriage.

See there are at least two good things you could have focused on, he spent time with you walking in the park, he was concerned for your wellbeing and warned you of potential hazards.

Yet you focused on how he didn't say a certain thing a certain way when under stress, and I don't know if it was because you were embarrassed or what, but you now took a wonderful time with your husband and turned it into a negative. Stole that whole wonderful time from yourself you did.

If you change yourself you can be happily married, if he changes you will probably still be unhappy. Why not chose happiness and change yourself?

Marv

 

[clycleader]

HUMM, You know, Marv, I never looked at it that way. It's great to have different perspectives on situations. I would have seen things as she had. I don't know if I would have reacted the same. I may have asked how he meant his comment. But, I totally didn't see what you brought up. Interesting. It does make sense too. My husband is protective and very gentlemanly and could react in the way you described feeling. Thanks.

 

[oliveplants]

Well I think everyone has a good point!
There are way more than 2 sides to any given situation.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

To OP ...

Well, after reading your original post. This is my question.

How often do you fall down?


OK. Seriously. You marry someone and can not expect them to change into your mental ideal, or do what your dad would do, or whatever.

On the other hand, I would suggest saying, "Ouch, that comment hurt." Whenever he says mean stuff. He may not realize it is sounding thoughtless, and if you do not retaliate or become cold, but he can see that you are vulnerable and desire something else... maybe that would help?
Anyway, that is what I read in a book, so you could try it and see what he does.

 

[LynnMcG]

Good morning!

I have a question! This may sound petty but I'm curious what others think. I will just use an example to try and get at what I am trying to ask!

Lets say My husband and I are walking in the park where it's a little rocky and I accidently trip and go to fall but catch myself, okay?

Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone.

BUT I wish he was more, "Oh, honey are you okay? Let me help you."

Now, my question is, is it okay to want him to change in this way OR is it wrong for me to expect him to be a certain way? When I pray, should I pray that I change or that he changes?

I hope you know what I'm trying to ask. Thank you in advance!

This is an ongoing joke with my DH and I. Here's how it works in our house.

I get hurt. DH says something insightful like, "Be careful!" Then I reply with something like "wow, wish I'd thought of that BEFORE I burned myself!"

We difuse things like this with humor in our house. How stupid does it sound to say something like, be careful, AFTER someone's been hurt? In our case, my DH didn't realize how it sounded to me. So once I explained it he got it. Not that he's stopped doing this. But now, I just roll my eyes at him and move on.

I don't think it's worth you being upset over. Tell him how it makes you feel and move on.

 

[RedTulipMom]

Our husbands arent mind readers no matter how much we wish they were. Tell him how you feel about the comment and what you wish he would say..he probably has no clue your thinking this way. Most men would be happy to hear from their wives their true feelings. many men have to be TAUGHT to be more sensitive and compassionate and are HAPPILY taught. I doubt your hubby is a jerk, so just be open with him and you'll be surprised how much he is probably WILLING to change and be more compassionate towards ya!

 

[BigNorsk]

Some of it is probably how men are raised. Take for instance the football coach model. You are out on the field, some guy on the other side makes a good move, hits you big time in one of those sensitive spots and you are just about completely out of it. At that moment, the coach usually doesn't say, "Oh poor baby, are you alright, let me kiss it and make it better." He says something (I have to paraphrase a little) like this, "You idiot, didn't I teach you how to do that? Don't you ever learn anything? Get over there until you learn better. Johnson take his place."

Now not many guys end up thinking from that that the coach hates them and doesn't care (there are a few). Men tend to kind of learn from others and a lot of them kind of carry the football coach example into their marriages. So when they sound like a football coach, it's actually an example of how they care and want you to do well. They don't "hollar" at people they couldn't care less about. So the wife notices he treats others differently and is all polite and everything to them, yet he is rather short with her and she thinks he doesn't love her and is rude and everything and actually he is pouring his attention and care into her and their family. He is actually treating her "special" and is modeling his behavior after what was often a very respected person who had a great impact on his life.

Now there are other ways to express things. Lord knows most early women's sports coaches found out for some reason that treating a group of young ladies the way they had been treating the guys at football practice didn't work very well. The girls tended to think that the fact that you were hollaring at them reflected that you hated them or something and they tend to quit. So many coaches have learned to modify how they show their caring to their women's teams. Same way that a lot of guys have learned to modify how they show they care to their wives. Not all guys learn, some never get a chance, their wife just up and quits on them.

So communicate, realizing that he is actually showing he cares. Many men do learn to modify their behavior too if his wife continues to communicate with him. The communication gets pretty tough if the wife has already decided he is a jerk. But even if he modifies it, the wife should remember that we tend to get pretty hardwired to react certain ways, and when under stress, it is very possible, even likely that the "old man" will come out. She just needs to remember that it isn't because he hates her, quite the opposite.

The surest thing is to understand what is going on and change how you think about it. That doesn't mean you can't communicate how your built in reaction to his talking that way is to feel hurt and like he doesn't love you. By all means do so. Together, the couple can work through this, what really dooms a marriage is someone keeping it inside and smoldering in resentment.

Marv

 

[holyroler2]

Good morning!




Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone.




Hopefully the time will come when this makes you giggle. Quick story. Anytime something happened, my dh would say I told you. Boy, I would try to decide which to do kill him, torture then kill him, then how to torture him. Anyway, I was venting to my daughter & her husband about this and he said; he feels bad because he didn't protect you. He wants you to know he wanted nothing to happen to you so he is reminding you he warned you of danger. He is helpless to protect you at all times. So with my story my dhstill lives and when he say I told you I answer with I love you too!

Consider that your husband feels guilty that you may have been injured and he didn't protect you.

Good news, if I am way off base it's ok. 'Cause I'm not mad & my dh knows I love him

 

[DIANAC]

Hi,

Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone

I suspect that he cares about you and wants to prevent accidents. If he was oblivious about you he would not have noticed your walking adventure especially that you did not fall. However, you should tell him, "Honey, thanks for caring. However, I would like it so much more if you first inquire about my well being and admonish me later".
In marriage both husband and wife change, but neither of them should expect to change the spouse. He loves me the way I am with all my imperfections - that's grace. He suggests a better way to do things - that's guidance. Even if I do not change and continue doing my stupid things - he forgives me, overlooks the offenses - that's mercy. He never gives up hope - that's longsuffering. Same goes for me.
Be well,
Diana

 

[Utah Knight]

Good morning!

I have a question! This may sound petty but I'm curious what others think. I will just use an example to try and get at what I am trying to ask!

Lets say My husband and I are walking in the park where it's a little rocky and I accidently trip and go to fall but catch myself, okay?

Now, he's not real mean but he does say something like, "I told you to be careful" and has almost an irritated tone.

BUT I wish he was more, "Oh, honey are you okay? Let me help you."

Now, my question is, is it okay to want him to change in this way OR is it wrong for me to expect him to be a certain way? When I pray, should I pray that I change or that he changes?

I hope you know what I'm trying to ask. Thank you in advance!

I would ask if my wife was ok but thats me. There are many different personalities and marriage is accepting all things about your spouse the good and the bad.