Should a Christian woman find a man on the net and my bad experiences

[hockeysistah234]

Many christians are now going online to find a relationship leading to marriage. Is it wrong to go on a search engine to find a mate?

Reason why I was asking is that I thought I would have found someone who loved the lord. He was involved in his local church ministry until he left that ministry, quit all his credentials because he was fed up with the local church and went the "House church" route, that is he does not want to be accountable to authority, but he wanted to go it alone.

Then this man lied to me by writing letters to his "girlfreind" while we were dating in 2002. In additon, he told this woman, who now is going to be his bride soon to foward an e-mail to me, not to hurt me, but in all actuality, he did.

This incident had gotten me to mistrust men. I believe God planted a dream of mines to get married again, but now, its like that dream is shattered now because of it.

Sorry to get off base here--

But should people rush to find a mate via the internet, or do the old fashioned way, that is pray and wait upon the lord. I am confused about this issue as many people choose the net and are rushing to get married.

 

[LifeInYou]

No one should rush to find a mate, whether they're on the look-out over the net, or they are doing it the old-fashion way. Personally, I don't see a problem with meeting someone over the net, but with this method, as well as all other 'meeting methods' one must use precaution. (Perhaps much more precaution over the net)

I hope you won't let your bad experience with that man spoil your hopes/desires to be married some day, and, those of us who do choose to meet people over the net must keep in mind that in the same way we sometimes experience relationships gone bad, the other people out there choosing to do it the old-fashioned way are experiencing relationships-gone-sour on occassion too. Basically, no dating method can be flawless if flawed people are involved.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

I personally don't think internet dating is right. I don't feel that you can really get to know somebody over the internet... because with e-mails and IMs you can't hear or see expressions.

Is it possible God could connect you to the one He intended for you via the internet? Sure, everything is possible with God... but that being said, I don't feel that's the method for me... it just seems, weird. I have a hard time trying to talk to people that I've never met before on the internet... I've got like one person on my buddy list whom I've never met in real life. Another friend of mine I met via the internet, and just found it was cool to talk to each other, and then since we lived in the same city, figured it'd be cool to hang out... and that was that.

But as for finding the "one" on the internet? I really don't think that's for me. My only advice would be to pray about it... maybe it's the method for you, I don't know.

 

[LifeInYou]

I don't feel that you can really get to know somebody over the internet...

Indeed, I don't think you can have a genuine relationship with somebody solely over the net either. But as far as the net being a means of meeting people...no beef here.

 

[Grommit]

But as far as the net being a means of meeting people...no beef here.

No beef here, too.

 

[Stanfi]

The way I have come to looking a this in my own life is to seek God will all my heart, and then let him work things out. Scripture says to "Seek the Lord with all your heart and all these things will be added unto you" (I know a lame parahprase, but you get the idea). So, I think we should take our desires to God. Then follow his leading. If he leads you to an interenet dating site, so be it. However, you must ask yourself why are you doing something. Is God leading you in that direction? or Are you doing it out of your own will? That is the question we can only answer for ourselves.

If has been my experience that when I seek out on my own it just leads to heartache and dissapointment, so I have decided to let God take care of it.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Is it wrong? Personally, I don't think so. However, I do think you have to be careful. Just like you have to be careful when meeting people in person.

I have met men over the internet. But only after talking to them for awhile. No, you don't get to know them totally on the net. But you can be deceived by someone in person as well.

 

[brettnolan]

Nothing wrong with meeting through the internet, but the relationship has to be more than electronic, I don't care how long the electronic part goes on. There's no susbstitute for face time.

On a personal note, there are several people on CF that I would like to meet and get to know more personally, but obviously for the relationship to grow, you'd want to spend time with them in natural settings.

 

[Suzannah]

Is it wrong?

No, not essentially in my opinion....I do think that prayer and fasting for God's will is important. I think its also important that some people may be called to a life that does not include a spouse. It is not always God's will for some people to be married. I think that sometimes our own wishes become so strong that they eclipse all other possibilities. Pray, pray and pray some more.

 

[heavenliejediofthebeach]

No beef here, too.

beef, its wuts for dinner LOL i had to say it

 

[JPPT1974]

Personally, I wouldn't look for these so-called "Christians" over the internet because they could just be using you to get whatever they want and then dump you and move on to the next boyfriend and/or girlfriend so be very, very, careful who you all soicalize with. It is ok to talk to friends on chats and/or message boards but don't get too close because they may be "nice and charming" on the outside but on the inside, they may be deceiving.

 

[jenptcfan]

Personally, I wouldn't look for these so-called "Christians" over the internet because they could just be using you to get whatever they want and then dump you and move on to the next boyfriend and/or girlfriend so be very, very, careful who you all soicalize with. It is ok to talk to friends on chats and/or message boards but don't get too close because they may be "nice and charming" on the outside but on the inside, they may be deceiving.

This is true for people you meet anywhere though. Even people you meet at church. You don't really know someone until you've spent lots of time interacting with them and observing how they act in "real life" situations over a period of time.

 

[wildthing]

Personally, I wouldn't look for these so-called "Christians" over the internet because they could just be using you to get whatever they want and then dump you and move on to the next boyfriend and/or girlfriend so be very, very, careful who you all soicalize with. It is ok to talk to friends on chats and/or message boards but don't get too close because they may be "nice and charming" on the outside but on the inside, they may be deceiving.

This statement is true. I could tell you that I am Major in the Army but there is little chance that you will check it out. The most important thing about a relationship is "face time". You really need to see how they treat others, see how they treat the wait person, do they get upset over slow service. How do they treat other drivers. As nuts as this sounds, how the treat cats and dogs. I think the net is ok to meet people but to develop a relationship thats another issue.

 

[hockeysistah234]

Personally, I wouldn't look for these so-called "Christians" over the internet because they could just be using you to get whatever they want and then dump you and move on to the next boyfriend and/or girlfriend so be very, very, careful who you all soicalize with. It is ok to talk to friends on chats and/or message boards but don't get too close because they may be "nice and charming" on the outside but on the inside, they may be deceiving.

Yes, and that is the entire story. This gentleman was active in his local church body and we did meet in person a few times. He said that he "loved me" only to be used and yes he dumped me because he wanted to move on to the next woman, the woman who he is going to marry soon.

Also this man quit his church to go the "house church route," not being accountable to anyone or submitting to authority. At first, I was angry at this man and asking God, how could this person who say he is a christian would do this to me, play with my feelings and games like that.

He claimed that he was not going to hurt me, but you know, I was so stupid to see the signs and the red flags.

And yes, I thought everything was my fault because I did not think I was falling into deception with this man.

But I believe maybe God allowed this to happen because this man was not right for me and that if I would have married this man, he would have led me down the wrong path spritually and I do not want that and then again, I would find out about his true colors and he would have cheated on me.

I learned a valuable lesson because I needed to wait on God, which I did not do, but you know the old saying, "Love is Blind.."


I do want to get married and have a relationship(I'm 44 now and I do not know how much time I have ), and when I see accounts of people finding their wife/husband online and getting married, I ask, is God passing me by and there is someone outhere for me?

Sometimes I think that people do not go for people who are trying to live the life of a beliver and there are no decent gentleman who is willing to take a chance on me who do not have the best of everything, but trying to strive to make herself better and in the Lord.

 

[klewlis]

Your entire bad experience could have happened even if you met the man at church or on the street. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you met him online. People can be deceptive no matter where you meet them. I have had far worse experiences with men I met at college, church, etc than ANY I have had with people I have met online. Does that mean that it is wrong for me to meet people at church? Of course not! Regardless of where or how you meet someone you have to be cautious and smart, and take lots of time to get to know them.

I have met some of my oldest and dearest friends online, and trust me, you CAN develop a meaningful and honest relationship with people without ever meeting them in person. For those who say you can't get expression and tone online... well first of all, you're wrong--you can--but secondly, ever hear of a telephone? Even so, the 'real life' meetings fill out the knowledge of each other with body language, eye contact, etc.

 

[plum]

I agree with klewlis. A bad experience can happen in any medium of "dating and mating."
I also have met some of my oldest and closest friends through my years online (8 years now) and value that method very much, but not as much now that I have put a stronger focus on finding friends around me, near me, in my community. My first two boyfriends (the second being my first love and still a dear friend) were through chat rooms online. Crazy world... My best friend right now and I met on these forums and now we chill out and talk all the time.
If love develops, it develops on its own. Looking for love seems to cause many heartaches and lost hopes.

I am so sorry that this man hurt you the way he did. That is a pain that will take time to heal; of course you know this. I pray that God will protect your ehart and build you up as the beautiful woman of God that He knows you to be.

 

[hockeysistah234]

Your entire bad experience could have happened even if you met the man at church or on the street. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you met him online. People can be deceptive no matter where you meet them. I have had far worse experiences with men I met at college, church, etc than ANY I have had with people I have met online. Does that mean that it is wrong for me to meet people at church? Of course not! Regardless of where or how you meet someone you have to be cautious and smart, and take lots of time to get to know them.

I have met some of my oldest and dearest friends online, and trust me, you CAN develop a meaningful and honest relationship with people without ever meeting them in person. For those who say you can't get expression and tone online... well first of all, you're wrong--you can--but secondly, ever hear of a telephone? Even so, the 'real life' meetings fill out the knowledge of each other with body language, eye contact, etc.

I have to disagree with you respecfully because you cannot tell the person online of their tone because you don't know how they are at home, if they are married or single. And that--and here is another thing, I am at the point I do not trust anyone in what they say and do anymore because people will say anything to hook you in, but when you see these persons in real life, these people are not the people you think they are. I'm not trying to generalize people and if I am, forgive me, but I'm tired of phony people, including those who they are something they are not.


Right now, I am working on trusting people and hoping that I be more cautious because just because a person who say they are a "Christian" (and yes, christian is a buzz word to lure you in--i had too many people say they are a christian and then they are involved in porn)

And I am not trying to judge people, but these are the things which I experienced while online on secular sites (Yahoo) which are under the guise of christian.

 

[songz777]

Nope I dont think its wrong but I really believe that the internet is just a means of introduction...you really need to meet and get to know each other on a reg basis..
I would want to see her weekly and get to know my future wives ... bad times..and whats she like at her worst lol. We can easlily form a ooh goohey romantic non face to face relationship on the net thats not reality.
Yes you should pray and wait upon the Lord .. but He may say USE the tools available and I will guide you use them to meet your future love...Bless youi JOHN

 

[LadyDJ]

The internet has allowed me to meet and get to know the person who is quite likely the best friend I've ever had. Yes, I've met her in person and she was and is all she told me she is and we often talk several times a month via the phone. Overall, I'd have to say I've been pretty lucky in making as good a friend as I have in her. Another plus for me is that I can, while online, escape my shyness...

On the downside, I got burned pretty bad (ok, charred) by a guy and the whole relationship thing, this guy (as well as a few other issues) pretty much convinced me to give up on the whole relationship thing for a while...possibly a good long while.

I think as long as you use some common sense, don't take unnecessary risks and take everything with a grain of salt (as the phrase goes)....the net can be a great way to meet people and if anything is meant to come from those meetings, then they will happen in their own time...

 

[klewlis]

I have to disagree with you respecfully because you cannot tell the person online of their tone because you don't know how they are at home, if they are married or single.

But you *can* know--that's what I'm saying. You would be truly amazed at how easy it is to check up on people and find out if they're telling the truth or not. I'd like to use my friend JC as an example:

We met in a chat room in November 1996. We chatted tons, exchanged emails, and generally got to know each other. I decided it would be fun to see what I could find out about him, and from just his email address I searched the internet and found his home address, phone number, where he went to school, what he was taking, and a bunch of other info... and it only took a few minutes. Everything that I found matched up with what he had told me.

As we spent more time and got to know each other better, we began to talk on the phone about once a month. From this we learned each other's voice expressions and tones, laughs, and the subtleties of voice patterns and emotions. It added a whole dimension to our understanding of each other, so that when we chatted online, we began to be able to match the word patterns on the screen to the voice patterns we knew--and in this way we slowly learned how to read each other's tones through only words. To this day we rarely misinterpret each other, even though all we have is words on a screen. It's funny because often when he types something I can hear in my head exactly how it would sound when he speaks it, because I know him so well--just like if you get a letter from a friend you've known forever and you can hear them speaking.

In 2002 we met face to face for the first time. We spent 4 days together the first time and there were very few surprises... he was exactly the person I expected him to be. We have since spent other time together and it has been very comfortable and good, with no concerns. Our face to face time has enhanced our friendship, but has not changed it because we knew each other so well prior to meeting. It is now 7.5 years since I met him and he is one of my dearest and most faithful friends.

And he is just one example... there are others too.

So it IS possible!