Ben said:
if he was willing to WORK on who he was WITH...
It occurs to me that Ben may not have said this well. "Work on who you're with" --- does not mean "change them into what you want". In all the world, there is only ONE PERSON that you can, ever, change.
Yourself.
Anything another person is willing to change FOR you, is a blessing.
Yet marriage is work,
and love is a decision. Feelings come and go --- love is mastered by mind,
we DECIDE to love someone. This is why Jesus said, "You SHALL love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul; and you shall love your neighbor as you love (it is presumed that you already regard) yourself."
Love is a decision --- that's why it's called, "COMMITMENT". Husband, your wife will NEVER be perfect --- allow her the RIGHT to be imperfect. Wife, your husband will never be perfect --- allow him also.
Ben meant, "work on the RELATIONSHIP with
the one you're with."
Flame said:
a loving, gentle, kind spirit is THE most precious (and highly-valued in marriage!) gift you can give your spouse. Marriages don't break up solely because a person wasn't a virgin on their wedding day (they can because of problems that caused promiscuity, that have never been dealt with, of course). Marriages generally break up because of a lack of Godly love from one or both people.
bshaw96 said:
God tells us to love our spouses as Christ loved the church...
bliz said:
She deserves to have someone unreservedly love her - someone who will count it a privilege to know her and to be loved by her.
Avaya said:
She's 32 and you're 21? Have you prayed about whether that's a relationship God wants you to be in?
Lisarn said:
The question is.....do you really love her enough to let go of her past?
Waterbear said:
1) A common argument is that the person is 'made new' and all the damage to the current/potential relationship caused by the non-virginity is thus nullified. Lets say someone kills someone else, on repenting and being 'made new' the damage caused to the dead person remains. Lets say someone tears out his/her own eyes, on repenting and being 'made new' the damage caused to his/her own body remains. This is all tangible evidence that being 'made new' cannot apply to all worldly entities.
Then the argument becomes it applies to the spirit only, i.e. the spirit is made new. And non-virginity is entirely a spiritual problem. But non-virgnity is largely an awareness problem: if the person had no recollection of being a non-virgin, and nobody else in the world had any recollection to proof of that person being a non-virgin either, then how is it knowable that this person is even non-virgin? The awareness of being non-virgin resides in memories, which I would think pertain more to the corporeal world. If so, the memories alone are sufficient to show that being 'made new' does not nullify lack of virginity.
2) A lot of people are treating forgiveness as forgetting or not factoring in past behavior. Okay, if the guy repents every time after he beats his wife, the wife should forgive and forget each time and not hold his past against him. Similarly, if someone cheats on you in a relationship, you are obligated through forgiveness to act like it never happened and continue the relationship.
Another problem with this approach is that it can create holes in a person's history. If someone has any history he/she doesn't like anymore, should it be treated as if it never happened and you suppose that the history has no bearing on the person's current being?
3) Yet another argument is that it isn't very Christ like to refuse to date someone because he/she isn't virgin. Christ seeks a relationship with everyone, but you can only have one romantic relationship (in the least, one at a time). Thus analogies to Christ's relationship with someone and your relationship with your spouse fail in the sense that the maritial relationship is exclusive and consequently involves discretion. You're going to be rejecting a lot of people with regards to a martial relationship whom Christ would not reject, thus how is that that your criteria for picking a person is expected to be Christ-approved? Whatever criteria applied will be of a nature that from a Christian perspective the criteria is superifical and self-serving.
4) Romantic relationships shouldn't be treated as charities. Rejecting someone unappealing to you is in many ways nicer to the person than accepting someone with very unattractive characteristics. On being rejected, the person may find someone else who finds him/her less disagreeable in a romantic sense and consequently may experience more peace/intimacy in that relationship.
RTH said:
If you cannot get over this, it is a problem with you and not her. And if you cannot forgive her, then you really do not love her.
Ischus said:
My point is this: You have the ability to forgive and see her in a new light. This is what God does with every person who comes to Him. I know it's difficult to do, but you need to do it. You will never have a healthy relationship if you always see her through the eyes of judgment, rather than through the eyes of Grace.
You have received some good advice here, Jacque. If you are to be with her, if the "age-thing" can be overcome, and her "lack-of-virginity" can be "seen in a new light", then go forward with sureness. If not, then there is no crime in releasing her. I do desire virginity in my relationships, that is a consideration. It's not "unforgiveness", it's
just a preference. NEVER enter a relationship with the idea of "changing this or that" --- if you can't accept someone as they ARE, then don't accept them at all. (And as Waterbear said, "accepting someone as a MATE is far different than accepting them as a PERSON".)
May God bless you and guide your steps.