She's just not that into me?

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Tamara, I really want to continue responding...especially to the point where you suggest all I need to do is write like William freakin' Shakespeare aka the greatest writer ever...but honestly, can we stop please? We can tit for tat forever. I don't want to anymore, I feel awful enough already. You win, victory by tsunami.

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Hey if you don't want me to pull the Shakespeare card, don't say men are inherently unable to express themselves in writing. Sorry, but I had to go there.

Seriously, though... It was not my intention to tear you down.

Just think about it, okay? I've given you some honest feedback. Take it or leave it. Your choice.

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Ahh, it only took ten pages for the sweeping "you'll be alone forever!" comments to come out. Thanks for the completely ungrounded judgment ! You don't know me. Don't pretend you can just from a few paragraphs on a forum. I'm not perfect, but I'm not nearly the buffoon you make me out to be, and you know what? Just because you do something in a certain way doesn't mean it's fair to expect everyone else to do it that way.

Also, she hasn't replied. I don't expect to get one. Guess I'm just a big bad guy for being as plain and straightforward as I could! Next time I'll be sure to play those head games everyone's so fond of.

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did i say alone forever? nope. I pointed out some flaws in the way you deal with women you need to work on if you do expect to have a lasting relationship with anyone. Because there aren't a lot of self respecting women who would put up with being treated like that.

Expecting women to conform to some ideal you have in mind is unrealistic. Projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto her and sending her an ultimatum based on that is beyond ridiculous. sounds harsh? yup.

when you can learn to accept a woman for who she is and to allow the relationship to progress at its own pace then you'll have a chance at something. But don't get defensive and act like those of us disagreeing with the way you've acted are the bad guys when you come in here asking for people's thoughts on the situation. I'm giving my thoughts entirely based on what i've seen from you in this thread and what you've shared with us about your interaction with this girl.

meh.

her loss

OP:
I'm thinking there could be a severe lack of chemistry there.

There is the possibility that she's afraid of appearing to be an easy lay, or has trust issues. Try what G101 said. If that fails, you may have a lack of chemistry and then it's best to end it.

Sorry if that sounded harsh. I see no reason to sugarcoat.

AlexeiKaramazov said:

maybe some Grand Theft Auto would be in order as well...we never got around to the hooker killing she wanted to do (no joke!). BTW the episode we watched was Treehouse of Horror IX...great for the Kang/Kodos Marge seduction scene

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Good plan.

You two should probably also play some Halo 3 together. Deathmatch, perhaps. Co-operative generally ends in frustration.

Well, I look at it this way. You are still young my man, and I am assuming your lady friend is as well. A lot of young people are looking to have fun. My guess is she was out for fun and to see what happened, and you started pushing the romantic interests issue before she was ready.

From what I have seen, you fell hard and fast for this girl. I think you are moving at a speed she is not comfortable with. You are driving in the fast lane and she is just taking in the sights in the slow lane.

Coach

Alexei, I'm thinking you should become a lawyer. I would pay good money to see you and Tamara go up against eachother in the courtroom!

Oh thank God. I thought you two were gonna kill each other (or report eachother) and this thread would be locked. But I'm glad things kinda have a "peaceful" end so I can contribute more.

Honestly, though, Tamara's viewpoints were very much spot on, I have to admit. I can comfortably label her as an adequate voice for the general female stance on the subject (I definitely agree that wives want to be friends with their husbands). Very great job, Tamara. But hear this!!! I too don't think you're a bad guy at ALL, Alexei. Not at all!! You were nice to send me a pm of encouragement back in the day when I was down, and that was much appreciated. But even nice, good, gentlemanly guys can make mistakes. If it's not mistakes, then it's paying for what the BAD guys in a woman's life have done. Either way, even nice guys won't be perfect in some women's eyes.

Unfortunately, nowadays, it's hard for us women to determine if a guy is being great to us for us women or being great to us for himself as a means of proving himself to her, but with no intention to keep treating her great even after he wins her. And unfortunately again, we can't determine that right away. Finding out a guy's true character is something that definitely takes time. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bluntly honest, (I encourage it actually), but it's a matter of tact and timing too. This girl probably didn't think of what you guys had as a relationship yet, but you thought differently, and that more than likely was the last straw that pushed her away.

But just use it as a lesson learned, and carry on. There's several lessons to learn here, but the primary one is that you can't put girls in a box. Just like I can't put guys in a box. My expecations of men got me in trouble too, and that only makes things worse. I truly hope you can take what we girls have said seriously for the next time around. And please, DON'T stop being a gentleman or doing romantic gestures. Just bring them out more gently and not so much "in your face." While it may seem like proof enough from your point of view that you like a girl because of what you do for her, nowadays, those actions can still say that you're trying to GET something from her.

I know man, it's totally not fair, but blame the bad men out there who use those same methods to woo women just to conquer them before throwing them away to woo some more women. My ex was gentlemanly too. Overly nice. Overly sweet. He embraced me when I was down, let me cry on his shoulder, etc etc, even when he wasn't my boyfriend. As much as I tried to fight him off, and as much as I DIDN'T show him affection (even though I was willing to be accompany him to places, much like this girl you had), I eventually told myself to trust him and gave in to him. Long story short, he turned into a jerk, got a crush on my sister without telling me, lied to my face, took me for granted, etc. And he was so NICE!! So you see, sometimes (and only SOMETIMES), you need to be even better than a gentleman who does nice things.

Gah, sorry for the ramble, but I figured I'd contribute something more to the thread. Don't feel too down. These things happen. And every failed experience in life is just a lesson to better know what to do in the future, right? You're not perfect. None of us are. But that doesn't mean we can't strive to be better in life. You'll do juuuust fine.

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Well I have an update...a surprising turn of events...

She has e-mailed me back.

Her response was pretty predictable, she was upset over the demands I made on her...and you know what I guess I just rolled over and apologized for everything! So maybe I was wrong, well definitely at least the tone was wrong. Then again perhaps it's the fact that she still responded at all that has proved something to me, that I'm worth bothering for her...I explained to her that I was sorry for what I'd said and that I was definitely overthinking things and would try to take things way less seriously. She seems to be still interested and as far as I know we're still going out Friday!

One more interesting note...I prayed last night that if I was meant to go any further with this girl that God would move her heart not to judge me so quickly like so many people in this thread have, to give me the benefit of the doubt just like I've given her. Looks like my prayer was answered, now I wonder what happens from here.

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WHOA!!! Awesome!! I hope I didn't come off as judgmental. I didn't think the email was the greatest idea but I know I've made a million mistakes like that so I could totally relate. I guess this means I owe you 10000 blessing

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Hmm well I'd like to go with her still to the concert on Friday, that's been planned for weeks. However after that, maybe I could just say we should take a couple weeks off from seeing each other? Tell her that if she still wants to see me, contact me after a couple weeks with plans for a date that she came up with. Even require her to come up with her own transportation. I don't know if that's asking too much or not, she doesn't have a car and really doesn't know anyone to ask about it that I know of.

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why that? lol..
you're pushing yourselves to not seen each other..? cmon!!!
well.. the concert is already planned? go!
then, u might say something.. =x

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Well I have an update...a surprising turn of events...

She has e-mailed me back.

Her response was pretty predictable, she was upset over the demands I made on her...and you know what I guess I just rolled over and apologized for everything! So maybe I was wrong, well definitely at least the tone was wrong. Then again perhaps it's the fact that she still responded at all that has proved something to me, that I'm worth bothering for her...I explained to her that I was sorry for what I'd said and that I was definitely overthinking things and would try to take things way less seriously. She seems to be still interested and as far as I know we're still going out Friday!

One more interesting note...I prayed last night that if I was meant to go any further with this girl that God would move her heart not to judge me so quickly like so many people in this thread have, to give me the benefit of the doubt just like I've given her. Looks like my prayer was answered, now I wonder what happens from here.

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Wow, that's really cool. I am surprised. But I'm happy for you.

Here's the thing about what I wrote yesterday...

I was acting on the assumption that you like this girl. So my goal was to get you to rethink your email and your opinions so that you didn't repeat the mistake with her or anyone else.

I really really didn't mean to tear you down. But everything I said still stands.

I wasn't being overly judgmental. I was being blunt and honest. And the only reason I did that is because you claimed to value those qualities.

So, IMO, you made a mistake. You let your emotions and your fears dictate that email to her. God has given you a second chance. Why don't you, instead of getting mad at me for giving you advice you needed (be honest, you wouldn't have apologized to her for your tone if we hadn't told you that it was rude), own your mistake, learn from it, and do better next time.

You have a chance of happiness.

AlexeiKaramazov said:

I won't say you were wrong in everything you said but I'd say you were guilty of the exact same thing I did in the e-mail...lack of tact. Shaming someone is not a good way of helping them, even if it can sometimes have results.

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Could be, could be. I won't deny I lack tact sometimes. But, I'm not trying to get you to go out with me. So.... circumstances are a little different.

And sometimes a person doesn't set out to shame anyone... but when a person refuses to acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged....it can happen.

AlexeiKaramazov said:

Admitting you were wrong about something can sometimes be cathartic, it is true. You might want to try it sometime.

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I do it all the time. But only when I'm wrong.

You're not going to get any more apology out of me than you've already gotten, Alex. (The rep points should've been enough). Quit hounding me or I'll go back to what I was doing yesterday.

Yey she's still around! (now let's hope that she gives her head a shake and has taken what you said into consideration)