She doesnt find me attractive

[waitingfor]

Hi everyone and God bless,

Before you read the following you must know that I come from an ethnic community that does not allow dating with any physical relationships. During courting, we can talk and meet but nothing physical before marriage.

I have been looking for a good religious a person to marry for many years. A year back I was introduced to this lady and after speaking to me she said no. She said I was more religious than her. I noticed a change in her religious levels and approached her again a few weeks ago and again after much thinking she said no. However recently she came back to me and wanted to discuss things again.

I really really like her and think she ticks all the main boxes. But she has been acting cautious and hesitant. So I asked her what the problem is. It turns out that she too has been searching for many years and hasn’t found a suitable person. She like me is restricted by our community circle and we are both looking for religious and intelligent people.

After probing I found out that she thinks I am the best of the ones who she has met but she doesn’t find me attractive (she doesn’t find any of the other men that she has spoken to attractive too!). She is willing to take things further on the belief that attraction will come after marriage.

I find this a very difficult situation because I have been told by many people that I am handsome. My male friends and even females that I have met have given me this complement. I have a position with high status in the community too.

What do you say I should do? Give it a go with her or will it end in disaster?

 

[Syckological]

In society, having CLOSE relatives tell you you're attractive, versus the outside real world telling you attractive, are two different things. Your family could say it, but others don't have to if they aren't bound by blood or a long-standing relationship.

Notice the picture in my signature. She is who I consider to be EXTREMELY attractive.

She is willing to take things further on the belief that attraction will come after marriage.

This is a good thing, but can also be a potential pitfall. When attraction works- you MUST be attracted to the person physically, it's hard-wired in everyone's brain. If you don't think the face if pretty, forget it. This does mean the odds are slightly in your favor. If the person you are courting didn't think you were the slightest bit attractive, she wouldn't be willing. Now, when someone is dating - me for example. When you prolong exposure to a person to someone who may not be physically attractive, but has qualities that MAKE the person attractive (Your beliefs, values etc) then the physical attraction comes afterward, however fast or slow it may be. Take it slow man, and congrats!

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Not knowing what sort of ethnic/cultural community and background you're coming from here... I really don't know if anyone can give you sound advice on your situation. It sounds like a question you should ask someone who knows your culture thoroughly and would know what might work best for a man in your situation.

But for the sake of trying to be helpful: it kind of depends on how much stake this woman puts into finding an "attractive" husband. Some women are perfectly happy being with someone who isn't blazingly gorgeous, and instead is nice, good-hearted, fun, kind, romantic, etc. Men tend to put much more stake on the visual/physical than women do. However, this woman has already rejected you twice based (per what you say) on your appearance. There's really no way I would ever want to be with someone who had already told me they didn't find me attractive. That's like asking to be punished... repeatedly. Attraction doesn't magically develop later in a relationship. It can GROW and deepen, but if there's nothing there at the onset, it's a dead-end road, in my humble opinion. Besides that, as a husband, you deserve to feel desire and admired.

I'm really curious about what "ethnic community" you come from. Can you share that with us?

 

[waitingfor]

Nerd Girl Supreme I am Indian. I tend to agree with your assessment.

Syckological oddly enough close relatives don't tell me I am attractive, its work mates and friends. One person at work even said I should be a model. I have had these compliments for years. I am the skinny nice faced type. I can see why some people (especially men) think I look good but many women wouldn't want a very skinny guy and would be put off.

I have two problems here:
1, I dont want to marry a girl who isnt attracted to me because its makes me feel unliked and intimacy would be hard.
2, I am not used to this situation!

The hard part is saying no to her. She is going to get hurt because she has no alternatives!

oh, she is super good looking and intelligent. I can imagine why she finds few people attractive. her pool of potential candidates is small.

 

[waitingfor]

This is a good thing, but can also be a potential pitfall. When attraction works- you MUST be attracted to the person physically, it's hard-wired in everyone's brain. If you don't think the face if pretty, forget it. This does mean the odds are slightly in your favor. If the person you are courting didn't think you were the slightest bit attractive, she wouldn't be willing. Now, when someone is dating - me for example. When you prolong exposure to a person to someone who may not be physically attractive, but has qualities that MAKE the person attractive (Your beliefs, values etc) then the physical attraction comes afterward, however fast or slow it may be. Take it slow man, and congrats!

So you are saying that dating properly for long will change the brain wiring?

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Nerd Girl Supreme I am Indian. I tend to agree with your assessment.

Syckological oddly enough close relatives don't tell me I am attractive, its work mates and friends. One person at work even said I should be a model. I have had these compliments for years. I am the skinny nice faced type. I can see why some people (especially men) think I look good but many women wouldn't want a very skinny guy and would be put off.

I have two problems here:
1, I dont want to marry a girl who isnt attracted to me because its makes me feel unliked and intimacy would be hard.
2, I am not used to this situation!

The hard part is saying no to her. She is going to get hurt because she has no alternatives!

oh, she is super good looking and intelligent. I can imagine why she finds few people attractive. her pool of potential candidates is small.

Thanks for sharing some more info! Forgive my American way of thinking, but are you from India or a Native American (sometimes called "Indian")?

The American way of thinking (and this is what I think, too) is: do you want to be someone's 2nd choice? Or last choice? Do you want her to choose you ONLY because she can't find anyone else? I imagine that would be extremely humiliating and emasculating to a man. Don't you want a woman who looks at you with the same desire and longing with which you look at her?

I know some other cultures have different values on what to look for in a marriage match, so... I really can't tell you what to do from YOUR point of view. Sorry I can't be more helpful

So you are saying that dating properly for long will change the brain wiring?

NO, no, no, no... I've seen countless men do this. They think "well, she might change her mind SOME day" so they pursue a woman endlessly until she's exasperated and tells him to get lost.

 

[waitingfor]

Thanks for sharing some more info! Forgive my American way of thinking, but are you from India or a Native American (sometimes called "Indian")?

The American way of thinking (and this is what I think, too) is: do you want to be someone's 2nd choice? Or last choice? Do you want her to choose you ONLY because she can't find anyone else? I imagine that would be extremely humiliating and emasculating to a man. Don't you want a woman who looks at you with the same desire and longing with which you look at her?

I know some other cultures have different values on what to look for in a marriage match, so... I really can't tell you what to do from YOUR point of view. Sorry I can't be more helpful

NO, no, no, no... I've seen countless men do this. They think "well, she might change her mind SOME day" so they pursue a woman endlessly until she's exasperated and tells him to get lost.

From India but I have an American way of thinking too. I think your way of thinking is human nature.

You are absolutely right I do want her to think of me in the same way I think of her. Both of us are in a difficult situation where we cant find a spouse. I guess I just have to say no to her and hope that God finds us both someone. I really feel sorry for the poor girl because she has had a tough life and mine has been confortable. She has faced poverty and family difficulties and she seeks security with a good man. I can provide her that security and kindness but marrying her just wont be the right thing to do.

I reckon its best if I find her a spouse?

 

[cam44]

Nerd Girl Supreme I am Indian. I tend to agree with your assessment.

Syckological oddly enough close relatives don't tell me I am attractive, its work mates and friends. One person at work even said I should be a model. I have had these compliments for years. I am the skinny nice faced type. I can see why some people (especially men) think I look good but many women wouldn't want a very skinny guy and would be put off.

I have two problems here:
1, I dont want to marry a girl who isnt attracted to me because its makes me feel unliked and intimacy would be hard.
2, I am not used to this situation!

The hard part is saying no to her. She is going to get hurt because she has no alternatives!

oh, she is super good looking and intelligent. I can imagine why she finds few people attractive. her pool of potential candidates is small.

I dated a woman for a few years that had a couple physical 'issues' with me - and just like what you mentioned - from my experience it would certainly make intimacy a big issue -- and it could remain like that so it is a valid concern.
We were very serious and likely would have married if she didn't have these views - but in the end I was the one that ended it because it was something that I couldn't change in her mind and I didn't want her to 'settle' or to feel like I wasn't entirely what someone truly wanted ...
I think you should move on and find another that when they know you doesn't hesistate - someone that likes/WANTS you for all of you

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

From India but I have an American way of thinking too. I think your way of thinking is human nature.

You are absolutely right I do want her to think of me in the same way I think of her. Both of us are in a difficult situation where we cant find a spouse. I guess I just have to say no to her and hope that God finds us both someone. I really feel sorry for the poor girl because she has had a tough life and mine has been confortable. She has faced poverty and family difficulties and she seeks security with a good man. I can provide her that security and kindness but marrying her just wont be the right thing to do.

I reckon its best if I find her a spouse?

You have a very kind and thoughtful heart. It's so nice to see a man caring about a woman like that. I really can't tell you if she's "right or wrong" for you; that's something you need to decide between your own heart and God's wisdom. My personal opinion is that it's not a good idea, but you'll have to weigh that against your own convictions Thanks for letting me share my point of view!

 

[LinkH]

Being raised American, the idea of marrying someone who is not attracted to you feels like a bad idea to me. But maybe that's my culture talking.

In a lot of cultures, maybe even in yours, people may not expect that they have to feel the same level of physical attraction before marriage that Americans currently do. So much of what Hollywood teaches about love and marriage has to do with physical attractiveness, chemistry, and feelings that wear off after a few months. Maybe the divorce rate is so high because so many people marry because they feel this intense love and chemistry, but their commitment is only good as long as they are 'happy.' The hormones and chemicals in the brain return to normal levels, and they start thinking about divorce over the years until finally, one of them either decides to leave to make a new start or gets involved in an affair. That's the sad story for lots of couples, and it's not the right kind of thinking or actions that Christians should take.

I suppose in cultures that don't emphasize sexual attraction and chemistry as much as Americans, marriage is seen as a life-long commitment. Since it isn't based on chemistry, it may be less likely to end over chemistry or feelings.

For me personally, if I were single, I probably wouldn't want to marry someone I wasn't attracted to physically. But let's say I did go that route, I'd probably be looking for the following.

- Commitment to marriage. If she marries you without being attracted to you, but is willing to divorce and marry someone she is more attracted to, don't get involved. You can ask her her beliefs about divorce and remarriage. If she's really loose about it, and doesn't change her beliefs when presented with the word of God on the issue, then don't marry her and don't refer her to a single friend either.

- Sexual issues. Is she a virgin? If she's been promiscuous with guys she is attracted to, and she's not attracted to you, well, you could be in a difficult situation if you married her. You wouldn't want to marry a woman who'd had her fill of guys she's attracted to who is just settling with you to pay her living expenses for the rest of your life. I assume if you are both from a conservative religious community, there is a higher chance she is a virgin than the average single woman on the street in America. If she's a virgin and she is kind of innocent and naive, especially if she's young, maybe she can learn to be more sexually attracted to you over time. If she hasn't bonded hormonally with men through kissing, making out, etc., that may give you an advantage.

Also, like virginity this is a serious topic to discuss, but before you marry her, you might want to find out what her ideas are on fulfilling her spouse sexually. If her attitude is that she takes the issue seriously and she will do what she can to satisfy her husband's sexual needs, that's good. But if her attitude is when I feel like it (once or twice a year? You don't know) then it may not be a good idea. If she's not attracted to you, you can't rely on sexual attraction for a good sex life.

- Is she really not attracted to you? How did she look when she said she wasn't attracted to you? Was she uncomfortable or nervous? It doesn't prove anything. But it is possible that she is attracted to you and she either doesn't want to admit it to you, or she doesn't want to admit it to herself. If she tells you she thinks you are attractive-- what kind of woman says that in your culture, to someone she is interested in. Does that make her look low-class, vulnerable, like a woman chasing a man? Does it make her feel uncomfortable? Might she say that to you because she doesn't want to make you arrogant about it? Or it might put her in a vulnerable place in the relationship. What if you don't think she is attractive? If you have no commitment to each other, she might not have known how to talk about that.

I guess honesty could be an issue here. It could be you are attractive to her, but she is just figuring that out in her head, not trying to get her hopes up. Sometimes a woman doesn't even know how she thinks or feels. Men can be the same way. You can go through a process of deciding whether you like someone. If you think the other person will reject you or you are scared of marriage or commitment, you can think of a lot of excuses.

I don't think I'd shut the whole relationship down over one comment that she doesn't find you attractive. You are at least in some kind of range of 'tolerable' in her estimation for her to talk to you. And she may not be willing to admit to herself that she likes you or finds you attractive until you start pursuing her or showing a little bit of interest in her. You should ask a woman in your own religious and ethnic community what it might mean when a woman says she is not attracted to you. Would she say that if she were attracted to you, or could be if she got passed her fears of vulnerability and a big decision like marriage?

My wife told me the first time she saw me, she thought I was just an average-looking white man. She'd been working with a really good-looking white man and she had a boyfriend, and she said she thought that about me probably because she wanted to be faithful with her boyfriend. The day I met her, I saw her sitting at the table in the office working and I remember wondering if God would give me a woman that beautiful to be my wife. I didn't see her for about another year or year and a half after that. Later, though, she did think I was good-looking, and I fit a list of characteristics she'd prayed for in a husband.

Btw, are you attracted to her?

 

[waitingfor]

LinkH you have given me some great advice. Although I agree with cam44, you have opened up the possibility that she might actually like me but isn't communicating that due to certain reasons. There is no way I am marrying someone who isn't attracted to me but here the girl might be keeping it in.

She does come from a conservative family where a girl cant show interest in a boy. I have been approached from such girls before regarding marriage so I didn't take this into consideration. This is a tricky one, I need to really speak to her and find out what the real issue is.

 

[waitingfor]

I need to find a friend of her's and speak to her. So that I can find out the truth.

God bless you all.

 

[LinkH]

LinkH you have given me some great advice. Although I agree with cam44, you have opened up the possibility that she might actually like me but isn't communicating that due to certain reasons. There is no way I am marrying someone who isn't attracted to me but here the girl might be keeping it in.

She does come from a conservative family where a girl cant show interest in a boy. I have been approached from such girls before regarding marriage so I didn't take this into consideration. This is a tricky one, I need to really speak to her and find out what the real issue is.

I wrote a diary when I was dating the woman who would become my wife. I was reading some of the things that she told me that I wrote down when the issue of whether we should be 'dating' when we spent so much time together as 'friends' came up. It was obvious in some ways from some of the things she said that she was interested in me as a future spouse and that she had feelings for me, but she wouldn't say so, and she would avoid the topic. She's from Southeast Asia. If a woman says she likes you and finds you attractive, that can make her feel really vulnerable and she may even feel 'cheap' saying that. I'd imagine it's even more the case in certain conservative cultures.

If she's talking about marrying you, there is probably some kind of attraction there, whether she will admit it to you or not. You probably can tell more from her body language. Look up Indicators of Interest on the Internet and YouTube. If she touches her hair when you come around, that's a kind of instinctive thing that women will do when they find a man attractive and they are interested in him. Maybe they are sort of checking their hair to see if it looks okay, or want to, and touch their hair. There are other body language clues you can look at. I didn't pay attention to that when my wife and I were just getting to know each other. I don't notice my wife touching her hair when I come around these days. I think some of these Indicators of Interest die down when you get very familiar with each other through a lot of exposure to one another.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much if she says there is no physical attraction. She may still be figuring that out herself, or maybe she can't admit it to you or herself.

Women often don't say what they want. Often women don't know what they want. What a woman wants and what a woman wants is often two different things. She may be too shy or too proud to share her feelings, or she may not have processed her feelings yet. If there is some spark there of interest in you, you might be able to help fan it into flame by showing a bit of interest in her. But before you stir up her feelings, why don't you pray and fast about the topic for a little while, and after the set period of time, ask the Lord to give you some direction. If you don't get anything specific, tell the Lord you are making a decision based on verses l like these:

James 1
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
(NKJV)

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
(NIV)

Proverbs 16:9
9 A man’s heart plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.
(NKJV)

Proverbs 18:22
22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord.


You just have to ask in faith to get wisdom to make your decision. That's a pretty good guarantee. Do what you can do to see if you are compatable when it comes to values and beliefs. You'll want to lead her and your family in serving the Lord and that is very important. Find out her preferences for number of children and all your lifestyle choices that will effect your marriage.

But pray and ask the Lord for wisdom. Ask in faith and receive the wisdom. If the Lord speaks to your heart, good. If you don't think you are 'hearing' anything in particular, prayerfully make a decision and tell the Lord why you are making it. Trust the Lord, acknowledge him in all your ways, do not lean on your own understanding, and then make a decision and trust him to direct your paths. Ask him if you start to go in the wrong direction, for Him to stop you or tell you to stop. I prayed that prayer, asking the Lord to stop me if it wasn't his will, when I wanted to get engaged. I was 90-something percent sure I wanted to marry my wife before that prayer. After I prayed that and just made a decision, trusting God, the doubt went away and me marrying the woman who would be my wife was a sure thing as far as my heart was concerned, though we faced obstacles, which the Lord sent us warnings about, beforehand.

 

[LinkH]

Btw, some women want to be pursued. If you 'invest' a lot with her, showing seriousness about wanting to get married, she might slowly start to open up about her own feelings. But if you aren't that committed, and she tells you she thinks you are really good-looking and she would be honored to spend the rest of her life with you... then you don't propose marriage to her... she could end up feeling rather embarrassed if she ever saw you at community gatherings.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Hi everyone and God bless,

Before you read the following you must know that I come from an ethnic community that does not allow dating with any physical relationships. During courting, we can talk and meet but nothing physical before marriage.

I have been looking for a good religious a person to marry for many years. A year back I was introduced to this lady and after speaking to me she said no. She said I was more religious than her. I noticed a change in her religious levels and approached her again a few weeks ago and again after much thinking she said no. However recently she came back to me and wanted to discuss things again.

I really really like her and think she ticks all the main boxes. But she has been acting cautious and hesitant. So I asked her what the problem is. It turns out that she too has been searching for many years and hasn’t found a suitable person. She like me is restricted by our community circle and we are both looking for religious and intelligent people.

After probing I found out that she thinks I am the best of the ones who she has met but she doesn’t find me attractive (she doesn’t find any of the other men that she has spoken to attractive too!). She is willing to take things further on the belief that attraction will come after marriage.

I find this a very difficult situation because I have been told by many people that I am handsome. My male friends and even females that I have met have given me this complement. I have a position with high status in the community too.

What do you say I should do? Give it a go with her or will it end in disaster?

If she will give you a chance, she just may start to find you the level of attractiveness that she would find appealing . In other words, many times a person isnt that physically attractive to ANother, yet after they come to know each other far better, suddenly the physical situation changes. Ive seen this happen with women more so than men ; it seems the physical attractiveness is more pronounced with a man than a women overall.

So, im of the persuasion that you give it a go with the possibility of it going either way. At least you both will have tried it and theres no harm in trying providing theres no character issues or serious personality flaws .

What are you going to do at this point in time ?

 

[SilkRainn]

It looks like you would be in store for a sexless, ego killing marriage with a very fickle woman.

So shes ok dating you because she has no alternatives left. In other words, she sees you as her last resort of sorts.

She's not attracted to you. Sex would just be a duty for her. I can see it drying up pretty quickly. And what would happen to your ego going to bed with someone who doesn't like how you look?

You have only known her for a year and shes already broken it off with you twice. What's your rush to marry her? Do you think you could do better?

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

It looks like you would be in store for a sexless, ego killing marriage with a very fickle woman.

So shes ok dating you because she has no alternatives left. In other words, she sees you as her last resort of sorts.

She's not attracted to you. Sex would just be a duty for her. I can see it drying up pretty quickly. And what would happen to your ego going to bed with someone who doesn't like how you look?

You have only known her for a year and shes already broken it off with you twice. What's your rush to marry her? Do you think you could do better?

She could change her mind about the guys looks after shes come to know him very very well, but, if its been a year and she still thinks hes not nice looking...then that is cause for concern. Physical looks does contribute to the desire for sex in a marriage .. that., plus some other things. What the guy can try is somewhat radically altering his looks maybe with a different haircut with/without a mustache and beard depending on what she finds attractive...but honestly, if that doesnt do it then i think it would be smart to start dating other gals that meet your essential qualifications.

 

[christianguy1510]

FORGET about her. Don't waste your time. If she's that hung up on looks she's not the type of person you want to be around. Find someone that loves you for ALL of you. In fact, stop talking to her. Tell her you have more important things to do(even if you don't

 

[Hidden101]

I have not read all the comments, sorry. Probably should have. Anyway, my thought.

I really really like her and think she ticks all the main boxes. But she has been acting cautious and hesitant. So I asked her what the problem is. It turns out that she too has been searching for many years and hasn’t found a suitable person. She like me is restricted by our community circle and we are both looking for religious and intelligent people.

She sounds like a princess. A princess, in that she has this whole long list of boxes that are unrealistic, and all of them need ticking. Hence, why she has found no one attractive.

What you do now, is up to you. Would be good if you went beyond your community circle.