Shame

[Colleen1]

We can feel guilt when we do something wrong but we can feel 'unnecessary' guilt and shame for other reasons. When I do something wrong the conviction of the Holy Spirit calls me to repentance in order to draw me 'closer' to God and deepen my relationship with Him. Unnecessary shame draws me away from God through the doubt of God’s love and forgiveness and self-worth I have through Him.

In her book, “Deceived By Shame Desired By God,” Cynthia Spell Humbert has stated: “Shame is a paralyzing emotion in which the afflicted person believes irreparable damage has been done to the deepest part of her soul. Shame may not necessarily originate from a behavior perceived as shameful. Rather, sufferers describe the feeling as an internal wound so painful and heavy that it makes them feel flawed for even existing.”

In my life shame has seemed to be a deep seated embarrassment and hurt. Shame has kept healing, freedom to be myself and have authentic healthy relationship with others and God at bay. Ironically, much of my shame has derived from being abused by others. This abuse has included messages that I wasn’t valuable and a lack of education concerning appropriate boundaries that would protect myself. It has persuaded me to keep issues in the dark that have needed to come to light and has perpetuated silent suffering. The good news is that we do not need to be oppressed by shame. God wants us to be free of it and rest in His arms as we heal our deepest wounds. As I go to Him in complete honesty, regardless of my feelings and experiences, I have found Him drawing me to Himself with a gentleness I’ve not experienced elsewhere.

Some of the passages that come to mind when I think about shame are:
Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I John 1:7
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

To me walking in the light has meant walking in truth. It has helped me release burdens I didn't need to carry or feel shame over. Feel free to share whether it be struggles or encouragement both are welcome. It’s great to have support as we contemplate this issue.

 

[Johnnz]

Shame is crippling. It is not healthy. It becomes part of our fallenness, but is also dealt with in our salvation. My approach to people was transformed one day when I read John 3:17. I knew the previous verse well but this one had not 'registered' with me.
John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. NIV

I saw that as a follower of Jesus I was not to be dispensing condemnation of people. Salvation is about proclaiming and experiencing the life of the kingdom of God. I began to reframe much of what I said. And it has worked for several decades of evangelism and pastoral ministry.

We can have false guilt - Satan is an accuser. Real guilt goes with confession, false guilt just hangs around. The law condemns; religious legalism cripples people, and, as Jesus stated, just adds to already existing burdens and makes people feel even worse - they are failing God as well as whatever other issues they struggle with.

There is also a defilement that comes with sexual abuse, an inner sense of being 'dirty'. That is an imposition of a spiritual reality from the abuser onto the victim, but it yields to specific prayer for cleansing from that.

There is far too much body image and sexual shame around too. That needs challenging, as it does not come from God, but society, including some church teachings.

A good subject to raise her.Thanks

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Shame is crippling. It is not healthy. It becomes part of our fallenness, but is also dealt with in our salvation. My approach to people was transformed one day when I read John 3:17. I knew the previous verse well but this one had not 'registered' with me.
John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. NIV

I saw that as a follower of Jesus I was not to be dispensing condemnation of people. Salvation is about proclaiming and experiencing the life of the kingdom of God. I began to reframe much of what I said. And it has worked for several decades of evangelism and pastoral ministry.

We can have false guilt - Satan is an accuser. Real guilt goes with confession, false guilt just hangs around. The law condemns; religious legalism cripples people, and, as Jesus stated, just adds to already existing burdens and makes people feel even worse - they are failing God as well as whatever other issues they struggle with.

There is also a defilement that comes with sexual abuse, an inner sense of being 'dirty'. That is an imposition of a spiritual reality from the abuser onto the victim, but it yields to specific prayer for cleansing from that.

There is far too much body image and sexual shame around too. That needs challenging, as it does not come from God, but society, including some church teachings.

A good subject to raise her.Thanks

John
NZ

Amen! ...You're very welcome. It's a tough subject for different reasons but one I think is important to discuss because it can needlessly cripple our lives and God wants sooo much more for us. He wants to be close to us. All the self harm that can come form shame needlessly hurts ourselves.. Things as small as spending too much on groceries to unhealthy eating to physical self-harming on a greater scale. Oh that all church could exemplify the depth of God's love and that we accept this love so it would penetrate to the depths of our souls. Thanks Jonhz for your message. John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. NIV
Great passage.

 

[Johnnz]

I love what Baxter Kruger has written.

"Looking back in the light of the trinitarian dream for real relationship with humanity, and in the light of Jesus’ suffering our rejection, we can see something of the way of the trinitarian love in the aftermath of Adam’s fall. The Lord’s response to Adam’s fall is as remarkable as it is beautiful. There is no pretending that nothing disastrous has happened, no looking the other way as if Adam’s infidelity was a mere glitch in an otherwise properly functioning relationship. Pretend all is well? Lash out in anger? He chose to accept the fall, without approving of it, and to accept Adam as a fallen creature. There is no denial or looking the other way on God’s part. There is no divine indifference or neutrality as if the Lord could care less what happens in his creation. And there is no divine outburst of retaliatory anger. There is certainly judgment, judgment which discerns that a great wrong has happened, and judgment that insists on putting things right, on establishing peace and order and concord in the in the relationship. For the eternal purpose of our adoption stands.

But in the Garden of Eden it is difficult to find such an offended God, or to see sin being weighed over against God’s eternal worth. We see the Lord, who, by our way of thinking, should have been highly offended, and who could have easily and with every right cursed Adam and destroyed him utterly—but he didn’t. We see the Lord putting aside all his rights to abstract justice and punishment, and we see him more concerned about his lost and terrified creature than he is about his honor. There are no dazzling lights, no hosts of angels, no triumphal entry of a King demanding proper recompense or vengeance for Adam’s offense. The Lord came in the cool of the of the day for fellowship with his beloved creature. He finds his friend hiding, ashamed and terrified. He recognizes what has happened, and without flinching moves toward Adam in tenderness and accommodating love."

Jesus came to show us this Father" "If you have seen me you have seen the Father." "I and the Father are one"

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Well, that addresses various misnomers about God the Father. It seems there can be this strain of thought that God is out to squash us. Yet, all through the Bible God is wanting relationship with us. This seems to be His desire as expressed through out the ages and His plan of salvation. Yet, as you've stated above in your first post the devil is an accuser and his desire is to separate us from the one that loves us the most. I know of no other who would offer their child as atonement for our sin. Sin that includes all the evils of man. Honestly speaking, I wouldn't want to offer my child as sacrifice for all the evils of others. This depth of forgiveness, God's love for mankind and his patience with me when I have sinned not only remind me of His love for me but also remind me of my need to forgive. (By this I'm not saying ignore the wrong doing and have relationship with dangerous people) I'm simply saying the depth of God's love inspires me to 'walk in light' = live in authenticity and integrity seeking what is important to Him. Again, Ephesians 3 comes to mind:
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
And not meaning to sound like a broken record I Jonh 1:7:
"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another..."
Striving for that authentic relationship with God and others is important to me. I guess you could compare it to eating an organic sun-ripened strawberry as opposed to a plastic one. There's no comparison.

​

 

[Colleen1]

One of the things that inspired this thread was my experiences this past week. I experienced some difficult people and was deeply hurt. Despite all the processing and growth it felt like I was being abused all over again. Even though these people weren't what we'd typically think of as abusers I would say their behavior was abusive. It was a definite abuse of power. This spurred deep seated shame and it needed to be addressed. I can process, grow, heal and forgive but my memories are part of how I evaluate the things in my life. I can draw on them to decide what decisions to make, how to protect myself, etc. Some times this can be a difficult emotional process but I think a necessary one.

 

[Johnnz]

Your post got me thinking.

There is a great deal of shame around. Shame comes from our brokenness and therefore is not meant to be part of our ongoing Christian life. Some sources of shame are:

Society. Body image and the culture of rewarding only the highest achievers (the winners) subjects many to a sense of inferiority, having 'not made it', not being 'good enough' and so on. Christians can get caught up in this too if they don't clearly distinguish between merely societal values (what the NT labels 'the flesh') and genuinely biblical ones rooted in our identity in Christ.

Legalism. A contract God ('if you do x then God will do y') is terribly destructive for many. People live with a constant sense of failing God (I don't pray, read the bible enough etc). We all to easily fall into a legalism, which results in a judgemental approach to people who struggle.

Many personal issues are complex and deeply rooted. They do not yield to mere formulas. People who try them and find they are not adequate then feel condemned or confused.

Shame should not be a regular accompaniment to our lives as children of God. It belongs to the darkness. The message of Jesus is to free us from all that condemnation, not to add to its power over us.

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Although 'law' is important because it protects us and our values, it can rob us of 'heart'. It's why I love passages like Ephesians 3 which remind us of God's desire to heal our inner being and His passion for us to have 'heart'. Some times I find there's this trend that seems to think that too much thought is a bad thing as well. It's almost like there's this idea that we shouldn't think or feel too much because it's wrong or will harm our faith. Ironic when the Bible constantly says we should pay mind to what we feel and think. e.g. "be mindful and alert" & Psalm 139, etc. This isn't suggesting we shouldn't think or feel but rather the very opposite. If we pay attention to our feelings and thoughts we can behave in a healthier way. As Chip Ingram says, "we don't need to throw our brain in the trash can to be a christian". It was deep thought and questioning which led me back to God and a much much deeper relationship with Him. There shouldn't be this fear that if I think too much I'll lose my faith; this is selling God and the evidence for christianity short. Likewise, there shouldn't be this fear that if I feel too much, I'm not a good christian and by feeling my life will be out of control. This also sells God short. In expressing our inmost being, which is something God is already aware of, we are drawing close to God and having relationship with Him. When I dare to think and feel deeply,I'm truly starting to trust God. Living in truth leaves nothing to hide; it provides that open door into my life God is wanting to walk through. I'm thankful He desires this deep relationship with me for it's truly been a blessing.

 

[Colleen1]

...and yes, on a more personal note, I have experienced this sense of failing not only in my christian life but when I became ill. It seemed whatever made me valuable in society's eyes, was no longer in my life. This took some adjustment in thinking on my part. As well, ironically, this constant sense of failing in my christian life years back kept me from having a close relationship with God. When what He wanted me to do all along is come to Him and bare my soul, not pretend to think and feel differently than I really do. "Just As I Am".

 

[koshka]

hi Colleen,i feel shame for being so overweight and for failing so much and i can relate to what you say about the sense of failing in your Christian life keeping you back from having a close relationship with God. I want to ask you, how you got through this? Not sure whether I ought to have put this in a pm.

thanks,

Koshka

 

[Colleen1]

hi Colleen,i feel shame for being so overweight and for failing so much and i can relate to what you say about the sense of failing in your Christian life keeping you back from having a close relationship with God. I want to ask you, how you got through this? Not sure whether I ought to have put this in a pm.

thanks,

Koshka

That's fine. The question you've asked is what I'm trying to convey here. The fear and shame of it all was keeping me from admitting the mistakes I've made, the questions I soooo wanted to ask God and from what I truly was thinking and feeling. When really God wanted me to just go to Him with all of this. There was no need for me to stay away. And in being honest with God He helped me realize that there was much I shouldn't be feeling shame, guilt and fear over. Rather much of the shame belonged to my abusers and the fear didn't need to be there. The fear was a bit different in that, if I was in the center of God's will I didn't need to be afraid despite the horrible things happening around me. You see, in the absence of shame I developed a much closer relationship with God. In studying the Bible and yielding to God I got to see the true characteristics of God rather than the lies and misnomers. I then wanted to do His will and realized this world was not the end. Even though my body could be destroyed, my soul was no ones to take except the one I gave it to. I chose God. God gives us choice; it's not a forced relationship. By saying this I'm not saying don't protect yourself. I'm simply saying that if something else horrific happened it was easier for me to realize that it wasn't the end. There was more to life. My life doesn't have to be defined by the things that happen to me or the mistakes I make. Rather it's defined by who I am in the sight of God. If I'm alright with God then what do I have to fear. Nor by saying this am I promoting legalism. I'm promoting complete honesty before God and His deep love for us that draws us near to Him. If something draws us away from God, it is not of God. God desires relationship. It was also important for me to realize that no matter how much growth or healing I would have struggles. Even people like Moses, Paul and Peter had their struggles. That's part of this human nature we're dealing with. But God loves us and He's gracious.

 

[Johnnz]

This Hymn was penned by a Quaker, and reflects their emphasis. But it has blessed me many times as I have sung it and pondered its message. Here are some stanzas from it.

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways;

In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word,
Rise up and follow Thee.

O Sabbath rest by Galilee,
O calm of hills above,
Where Jesus knelt to share with Thee
The silence of eternity,
Interpreted by love!

With that deep hush subduing all
Our words and works that drown
The tender whisper of Thy call,
As noiseless let Thy blessing fall
As fell Thy manna down.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Rather interesting you should share this hymn. One of my favorite passages is I Kings 19:11-12:
The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

Some times the gentleness of God seems to be overlooked.

 

[Colleen1]

hi Colleen,i feel shame for being so overweight and for failing so much and i can relate to what you say about the sense of failing in your Christian life keeping you back from having a close relationship with God. I want to ask you, how you got through this? Not sure whether I ought to have put this in a pm.

thanks,

Koshka

I think as long as we have human nature we will have our struggles but we can manage better and put many things behind us. Some more specific things I've done to apply these biblical concepts in my life are things like asking myself why I respond a certain way. e.g. if I want to eat something I shouldn't or don't eat when I should, I ask myself why. It's usually because I'm upset. Then I ask myself why I'm upset and it usually amounts to being anxious because I feel insecure because of shame. Doubting myself or worth. Depending on the issues, the process / reasoning can be a bit different but for me it usually amounts to shame being at the basis of it all. I do things like studying specific scriptures, reassuring music, etc. I've even written an affirmation using scripture. I think it's important we keep reminding ourselves that God is good, He created us in His image, He wants relationship with us, He's our Father and He's the best Father in the world.
Psalm 139:13-14:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

 

[Johnnz]

Many struggle within over some issue. We are broken beings, sometimes very vulnerable to accepting something negative about ourselves. The potential for the Christian community to be one for healing is immense. Broken people dare not expose their weaknesses unless they know they can do that safely.

In Ephesians Paul wrote about being rooted and grounded in love. He used the word 'love' a lot in Ephesians. Real caring, accepting, listening, non judgemental, supportive love helps broken people to regain their lives, to become more and more whole, to live freely again. Churched legalism results in the opposite, imposing yet another burden upon already burdened people, adding yet more shame for not 'having faith', being insufficiently 'disciplined and strong willed', or just plain disobedient. The shame of having failed God can crush some people.

I love these words when Jesus announced His ministry:
Matt 12:20 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. And
Luke 4:17-19 The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." NIV

A bruised reed was all that was left after reeds were beaten to leave only the fibre, the smouldering wick was a small, oil filled lamp that scarcely stayed alight in the wind at night. How wonderful to know that Messiah, the restorer of Eden and more, will come to us like that to walk alongside, sharing the heaviness of our burdens. And that's who we become too as we are Christlike with others - "let me be as Christ to you" as that lovely song expresses.

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Many struggle within over some issue. We are broken beings, sometimes very vulnerable to accepting something negative about ourselves. The potential for the Christian community to be one for healing is immense. Broken people dare not expose their weaknesses unless they know they can do that safely.

In Ephesians Paul wrote about being rooted and grounded in love. He used the word 'love' a lot in Ephesians. Real caring, accepting, listening, non judgemental, supportive love helps broken people to regain their lives, to become more and more whole, to live freely again. Churched legalism results in the opposite, imposing yet another burden upon already burdened people, adding yet more shame for not 'having faith', being insufficiently 'disciplined and strong willed', or just plain disobedient. The shame of having failed God can crush some people.

I love these words when Jesus announced His ministry:
Matt 12:20 A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. And
Luke 4:17-19 The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." NIV

A bruised reed was all that was left after reeds were beaten to leave only the fibre, the smouldering wick was a small, oil filled lamp that scarcely stayed alight in the wind at night. How wonderful to know that Messiah, the restorer of Eden and more, will come to us like that to walk alongside, sharing the heaviness of our burdens. And that's who we become too as we are Christlike with others - "let me be as Christ to you" as that lovely song expresses.

John
NZ

Yes, being vulnerable is a risk. Also some of society see it as being week or broken and this does not help. But the truth is unless we are willing to be truthful we will never heal. This is a very brave thing to do. Being open on the internet isnt easy either. Hopefully, posters know they are welcome to send private messages. Whatever people are comfortable with. Good to reach out but this can be tough.

This is very nice Johnnz, thanks.

A bruised reed was all that was left after reeds were beaten to leave only the fibre, the smouldering wick was a small, oil filled lamp that scarcely stayed alight in the wind at night. How wonderful to know that Messiah, the restorer of Eden and more, will come to us like that to walk alongside, sharing the heaviness of our burdens. And that's who we become too as we are Christlike with others - "let me be as Christ to you" as that lovely song expresses.

 

[Colleen1]

There was a time during my life I left the church and some people not only asked why I left but what brought me back. To make a long story short, I felt pursued by God. He loved me even before I ever loved myself.

 

[Colleen1]

Today is a good day! God is a good Father.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Whb-XSOog8k&feature=player_detailpage​

 

[Colleen1]

Broken Girl by Matthew West - YouTube​

 

[Colleen1]

Only Grace - Matthew West - YouTube​