Shame

[Colleen1]

Shame is horrible. It can haunt a person badly.

Yes, shame can be a killer...literally. Shame can drive people to do all sorts of things. It's hard to carry shame and admit this to ourselves and others. We want to hide even though the shame is undeserved when one is abused. The thing is unless we honestly acknowledge we have shame, we will never get past it, grow and move on to a better place. This is difficult considering shame makes us want to hide the very things that need to be exposed. It can be tempting to suffer in silence and this is unfortunate.

An abused person has shame imposed upon them. Lies, threats, fear, disgust, feelings of defilement are you being sinned upon and thus shame becomes your companion.

But when an abused person can see soemthing of the new start Jesus gives (a new creation) then these words of Paul can begin to counteract your shame. Since God is on your side unreservedly your self worth can become aligned with His evaluation of you as a precious, dearly loved family member. Paul wrote:

Eph 3:16-21 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, [the very soil your life draws sustenance from] may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. NIV

John
NZ

Yes, I agree. Shame is imposed on survivors of abuse. Such a heavy burden we don't have to bear. I do like the Ephesians chapter 3 prayer. It's probably my favourite passage. Excellent stuff found in those words.

 

[Colleen1]

This morning I was listening to my favourite Psalm on Bible
Gateway audio and it really hit home as always. This passage
always seems to touch my heart whenever I read it. To be honest,
I have read it several times and have it posted in my home. I
felt it was something I should share and hope you all find it as
reassuring and as powerful as I do.

Psalm 139

New King James Version (NKJV)

God’s Perfect Knowledge of Man

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 139:11 Vulgate and Symmachus read cover.
2. Psalm 139:14 Following Masoretic Text and Targum; Septuagint, Syriac, and Vulgate read You are fearfully wonderful.
3. Psalm 139:20 Septuagint and Vulgate read They take your cities in vain.

***Here is the link to the audio if you would rather listen than read.

BibleGateway.com- Audio Bibles
​

 

[Colleen1]

 

[pink kitty]

We can feel guilt when we do something wrong but we can feel 'unnecessary' guilt and shame for other reasons. When I do something wrong the conviction of the Holy Spirit calls me to repentance in order to draw me 'closer' to God and deepen my relationship with Him. Unnecessary shame draws me away from God through the doubt of God’s love and forgiveness and self-worth I have through Him.

In her book, “Deceived By Shame Desired By God,” Cynthia Spell Humbert has stated: “Shame is a paralyzing emotion in which the afflicted person believes irreparable damage has been done to the deepest part of her soul. Shame may not necessarily originate from a behavior perceived as shameful. Rather, sufferers describe the feeling as an internal wound so painful and heavy that it makes them feel flawed for even existing.”

In my life shame has seemed to be a deep seated embarrassment and hurt. Shame has kept healing, freedom to be myself and have authentic healthy relationship with others and God at bay. Ironically, much of my shame has derived from being abused by others. This abuse has included messages that I wasn’t valuable and a lack of education concerning appropriate boundaries that would protect myself. It has persuaded me to keep issues in the dark that have needed to come to light and has perpetuated silent suffering. The good news is that we do not need to be oppressed by shame. God wants us to be free of it and rest in His arms as we heal our deepest wounds. As I go to Him in complete honesty, regardless of my feelings and experiences, I have found Him drawing me to Himself with a gentleness I’ve not experienced elsewhere.

Some of the passages that come to mind when I think about shame are:
Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I John 1:7
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

To me walking in the light has meant walking in truth. It has helped me release burdens I didn't need to carry or feel shame over. Feel free to share whether it be struggles or encouragement both are welcome. It’s great to have support as we contemplate this issue.

Thanks so much for this thread. I think I'll sit here for a while if that's ok.

 

[KimberlyAA]

Thanks for sharing those verses. They really make me feel happy inside. Whenever I feel sad or doubtful, the Bible always seems to make me feel better.

 

[Colleen1]

Thanks so much for this thread. I think I'll sit here for a while if that's ok.

Aww! You're welcome to come here and visit, sit, fellowship whenever you need to. Take care of yourself, you are valuable.

 

[Colleen1]

Thanks for sharing those verses. They really make me feel happy inside. Whenever I feel sad or doubtful, the Bible always seems to make me feel better.

Yes, the Bible is chalk full of gems we can hang on to. So many great stories of how God's plans unfold and passages that reveal the character of God and how much he loves us, rather that just the cliches we may have come across. I'm glad you're comfortable here. I hope you feel free to stop bey whenever you wish. God bless you. You're valuable.

 

[Colleen1]

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[Colleen1]

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[Colleen1]

Amen!

The Living Proof (From The Motion Picture The Help) - YouTube​

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Colleen,

Hi, I am new to your posting on shame. Not sure if this posting is still available or not as I see there hasn't been any postings for several weeks. However I suffer from shame on a daily basis. Many of the statements I have read sounds like me to a tee. I am trying to get past all of this shame and guilt and condemnation. Also I have little confidence in myself.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Colleen1]

Colleen,

Hi, I am new to your posting on shame. Not sure if this posting is still available or not as I see there hasn't been any postings for several weeks. However I suffer from shame on a daily basis. Many of the statements I have read sounds like me to a tee. I am trying to get past all of this shame and guilt and condemnation. Also I have little confidence in myself.

Moriah Ruth

Hi there, I'm glad you stopped by. Yes, this thread is open and you are welcome to post here. Yes, it is a struggle I think everyone can face at some point in their lives and if someone has been abused in any way then it can be doubly difficult. I feel for you. I think recognizing it is a great start and little by little we manage to let go of it. What's helped me is understanding the true nature of God and His love for me.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Hi Colleen,

"What's helped me is understanding the true nature of God and His love for me."

I struggle with this on a daily basis. Understanding the nature of God and His love for me. I have a distorted image of who God is and I see Him as my earthly father who is mean and nasty and has no forgiveness. I don't trust people and I question them when they say they will be my friend or when they say they love me. Also I have trust issues with God.

Moriah Ruth

 

[Johnnz]

I am surmising your father has distorted the image of God for you. What else is there that you can see as 'good'?

John
NZ

 

[Colleen1]

Hi Colleen,

"What's helped me is understanding the true nature of God and His love for me."

I struggle with this on a daily basis. Understanding the nature of God and His love for me. I have a distorted image of who God is and I see Him as my earthly father who is mean and nasty and has no forgiveness. I don't trust people and I question them when they say they will be my friend or when they say they love me. Also I have trust issues with God.

Moriah Ruth

I struggled with the whole 'father / God' issue too and it took some time but I got over it and I know there is hope for us. It helped me to read certain passages in the Bible and to study some on this issue and other people from the Bible who struggled..yet God loved them so very much. David is a great example...and Job is too. There are so many good examples in the Bible of people who were not perfect but God loved them so. One of my favourite all time verses is:

Psalm 34:5

New International Version (NIV)

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

These passages are also great in regards to feelings and love:


Ephesians 3:14-21

New International Version (NIV)

A Prayer for the Ephesians

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.


Psalm 139:1-18

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you........

 

[Colleen1]

^^^Those passages have helped me. I hope I'm not sounding preachy. It's not my intention at all. Now I consider God my Father and I pray as Christ taught us..."Our Father..." I just say 'Father'. I feel safe with God...there is hope. I've had a lot to get past and having come out the other side a few times...I know if I plug along and process stuff to heal it gets better even if it's little by little.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

Thank you Colleen for your encouragement.

John NZ,

"I am surmising your father has distorted the image of God for you."

Yes, you are correct. I heard from my parents how God hated me because I did bad things. And when I did bad things I would get beaten and other things done to me. I was told how bad I was and that God doesn't love bad people. Also I was told how stupid I was.

To see God as my Heavenly Father, I see Him as my earthly father which would of course distort my thinking of who God really is. I question rather God loves me and if I sin I feel that God should punish me like my parents punished me.

I know I have heard few Christians say, "Well if you have a hard time seeing God as your Heavenly Father, than look at Jesus as your brother". However this is an issue for me also because I was sexually abused by my brother.

So yes, my midset of God and Jesus is distorted. And for me to see what God has done for me as "good" is sometimes hard to see at times. More so when it comes to His love for me. However I have seen God move in my life and provide for me when needed. So this part is good.

But to see God as a loving God, a loving Father, it is a struggle at times.

I hope this helps you better understand John.

Moriah Ruth

 

[lilewe]

I've had a real struggle with shame, so much so it very nearly killed me, driving me to thoughts of ending my life. It was definately something the enemy was using to try to destroy me - He is the thief that comes to steal, kill and destroy and I listened to his lies. Lies I was worthless, hopeless, and a complete defect and all sorts of bad stuff. He also told me God had rejected me, hated me and wanted me to do it as well. It was hell and I felt like I was going to go under sometimes and was being ripped apart, but God is faithful, as his word says that he won't let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. 1 Cor 10:13. Shame drove me to do some silly and desperate things though - a number of half hearted attempts at ending my life, which were more a call for help than anything I think. In the end it only made me feel even more shame and hatred toward myself. I was trapped in a sort of vicious cycle that I just couldn't seem to break out of. Shame drove me to thinking I needed to punish myself, hate myself and yes even kill myself, but at the same time, I had a deep sense that killing yourself was wrong, as a christian. I had shame to that I was even having those thoughts as well, and of the place I was in so around and around it went. Anyway I am still here after several years of this struggle. I do believe I am getting stronger and more grounded in what is truth, but do still have a long way to go as well and a lot to still grasp. Part of the struggle has been coming to terms with a situation that was abusive in nature, though quite subtle, but of which I found devastating on top of other difficult experiences from my childhood I think. I also had shame from mental health issues, and many of my own wrong choices in life, which caused these problems. I guess it all just seemed to heap up on top of each other. Well hope I haven't gone on to much. Will leave it there. I want to return and have a better look at all the previous posts, which I have really only skimmed over. Lots of good comments, verses and media to look at. Thanks

 

[lilewe]

Sorry I butted in after your post Moriah Ruth. I think we must have been typing at the same time. I can relate to your struggle with seeing God as loving, as a Father.

 

[Moriah Ruth 777]

No worries Lilewe.. me not worried.