Shaken up...

[4everfalling]

I am scared to post this. Posting in this section might give you guys an idea of what Im trying to say but for some reason I can't even type it. It happened almost 2 months ago. I am so confused about it. I am drained. I don't know if what I am feeling is normal. Some days I feel like Im in shock.,..kind of like now. Others I feel like Im full of such rage for that guy. I cant eat I cant sleep...then Im starving and binge and throw up...I am panicked at night and I get scared when Im around certain things. It was a person I knew from church. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. Some days I feel liike my head made it all up. I feel safe when I can push it all deep down and forget. Some days I am angry at him. Others I feel so guilty. I feel responsible. I feel like it was my fault. I always feel overwhlmeed with confusing emotions and I don't understnad. I am alone. Im trying to tell mylsef what happened was ok. I try to write...I write my feelings down when im upset to try cope but I can't write about this. Its almost as if Im scared of what ill say...and everything I do say sounds off. I feel like this guy has shaken me up so badly. I am a complete mess. I feel used...I feel like I did something to deserve this. This was a close friend...before this he had always said he cared about me and would always be there for me...is this what friends do? I have been so full of anger...snapping at all the people close to me. I want nothing to do with anyone. I don't ever remember being full of such rage...then such depression...

 

[CarleneB]

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) if okay

I too was hurt although not by someone I knew well.

Have you tried counseling? Please try and work on get help now.

I was raped and abused at 14 and then drugged and molested in March.

The longer you wait to seek help, the harder it gets.

Please, if you can, report him.

And its not your fault. I feel sometimes it was my fault, but its always the abuser's fault.

I am praying for you.

--- Carlene

 

[Johnnz]

You need to talk. Otherwise those thoughts go around and around and drive you crazy. What you have written is often what abused women experience. Your life has been scrambled. There are so many unanswered questions. Your pain can be intense. And you really begin to doubt yourself. That is why you need to talk to a suitable person who understands and will really listen and believe you.

John
NZ

 

[4everfalling]

I wish I could erase this from my history. I need to be able to. Today has been horrible. I am wrapped in a blanket in my chair and have been pinching my skin to keep me feeling something real. I keep feeling like he is in the room and like im back there as it happened. I have panicked so much today and have been pacing across the basement almost constantly. I have had 4 showers already today and its not even dark yet. I feel like Im dreaming. Dear God I wish someone could please pull me out of this. It wont go away. I have been writing. I have been trying so hard to do something else. I went outside. I feel so dirty and like there is something wrong with me. What could have I done to deserve to be used like this. Ive got this really uncomfortbale feeling like im still not alone...like he is with me....No matter where I go in this house today I can't get away from him... ahhhh its not even dark yet....

 

[MelWright]

Honey, you really need to talk to someone about it. Someone near to you. Face to face, although its hard can be better. I know its difficult, I myself refused to talk and it got me nowhere. Theres a lot of people here just a pm away.....

 

[Johnnz]

Get someone to pray for you and to ask Jesus to bring about a real separation of body, soul and spirit from that guy. Spiritual influences do hang around but yield to prayer.

John
NZ

 

[brothersean]

Rebuke the bind of Satan that this suffering has caused on you in Jesus' Name, and it will be removed! In all things, through all trials and tribulations give praise to Eternal Jehovah and Jesus Christ His Son, Who is Our God in the Flesh, and you will truly know peace and deliverance from these sufferings and pains. Trust in Him, only in Him, give your pain to Him, your sadness and hurt and everything to Him. He will dry your eyes and you'll be dancing and singing to Jesus once again!

 

[4everfalling]

brothersean...

Am I hearing you correctly? I am supposed to praise God for this? Please, whatever..I have been thrown into hell and I am supposed to be thankful? Okay I know thats what the bible says but I am just not ready for that. I am so angry right now...at him, at people in general, at God. Why wasn't God there when I needed him? Why didn't God stop it from happeneing? Why didn't God intervene and prevent it from happening? Why can't God lift me out of this emotional hell I am experiencing now? You make it sound so easy. It just isn't easy like that...

I am sorry if I sound difficult....Tonight is just one of those nights where I am just a complete mess...

 

[LillyDoll419]

When someone violates you, it feels like they have taken out a little piece of your soul. I know. I was raped by many men from the age of 7 to about 13. The feelings you are going through are completely natural. The feelings of dirtiness, humiliation, betrayal,
You have every right to scream out.
You have every right to feel like a complete mess.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HURT FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED!
The last thing you should do though is bury it down deep in your heart where it can sit and rot.
Here are a few pieces of advice... if you are waiting for life to get back to normal, it wont. If you are waiting to feel the way you did before, that isn't going to happen. I know that doesn't sound too positive, but just hear me out...
What you need to concentrate on right now is building the new and stronger you. If you allow yourself to be beaten completely, and if you just give up on life, this sicko wins again! Even though you haven't said the words, you are reaching out for help on this site. Do you know how strong you are? It took me YEARS to ask for help!
People are going to tell you to concentrate on God...
People are going to tell you all you have to do is reach up to Christ and all will be healed...
They're wrong.
It's going to be much harder than that. If you follow that advice, you are going to start wondering what is wrong with you when everything doesn't get better all at once, which is wrong! Everyone heals at a different rate... don't let anyone push you, k? There are plenty of people here who are willing to talk to you, and even though it seems like God has abandoned you, He is still there, and if you work together with Him there will be a positive out of this, I promise. If you need to talk, feel free to pm me.

 

[4everfalling]

When someone violates you, it feels like they have taken out a little piece of your soul. I know. I was raped by many men from the age of 7 to about 13.

I am so sorry...I wish you weren't able to relate to what I am going through. I know how it feels like hell. I wish that wouldn't have happened to you...

The feelings you are going through are completely natural. The feelings of dirtiness, humiliation, betrayal,
You have every right to scream out.
You have every right to feel like a complete mess.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HURT FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED!
The last thing you should do though is bury it down deep in your heart where it can sit and rot.
Here are a few pieces of advice... if you are waiting for life to get back to normal, it wont. If you are waiting to feel the way you did before, that isn't going to happen. I know that doesn't sound too positive, but just hear me out...
What you need to concentrate on right now is building the new and stronger you. If you allow yourself to be beaten completely, and if you just give up on life, this sicko wins again! Even though you haven't said the words, you are reaching out for help on this site. Do you know how strong you are? It took me YEARS to ask for help!

I am not strong. I dont' feel strong. I feel like I have been completely beaten down...especially emotionally. I feel drained. I feel confused adn all mixed up. I just feel crappy in general. I feel like i deserve to be punished. I feel like Im here for people to use me. I feel like if Im not being hurt there is something wrong. I feel so hopeless right now. At this point I just feel like people can do what they want...there going to anyways. I feel so beaten down from all this...It's all my fault. Everywhere I go I can't get away. The last couple days the thoughts and images have just been in my head constantly. I have been feeling so sick...I just feel like crying...

People are going to tell you to concentrate on God...
People are going to tell you all you have to do is reach up to Christ and all will be healed...
They're wrong.

I want nothing to do with God right now...

It's going to be much harder than that. If you follow that advice, you are going to start wondering what is wrong with you when everything doesn't get better all at once, which is wrong! Everyone heals at a different rate... don't let anyone push you, k? There are plenty of people here who are willing to talk to you, and even though it seems like God has abandoned you, He is still there, and if you work together with Him there will be a positive out of this, I promise. If you need to talk, feel free to pm me.

thanks...Im glad you seem to get it some...im sorry i dont have much else to say right now...

I will get back to this later...thanks for taking the time to care enough to respond though. I feel better knowing im not alone...

 

[LillyDoll419]

I feel like i deserve to be punished.

What on earth did you do wrong? Trusting someone is NOT wrong. Making friends and being social is NOT wrong. What that guy did to you IS wrong! You didn't do one thing wrong, and though it may take you a while to realize it, you are pure and innocent and not responsible for what happened to you. It happened to you! You didn't go out and do anything to hurt anyone. That's what HE DID!

It's all my fault.

I felt the same way though for a long time. I kept thinking... I could've fought back harder. I could've screamed, but I kept quiet. I could've sought help sooner, but more kids got hurt because of my silence. I didn't want to eat... didn't want to drink... didn't want to pray... didn't want to live... I actually started cutting myself as a way of self-punishment. Now I have physical reminders up and down my arms and legs of how silly that idea was. One thing I've learned about some guys is they don't care who they hurt, as long as they get their way. Not all guys are like that, mind you... I'm married to an exception.

I want nothing to do with God right now...

You'll probably get people who wanna be jerks about this one and tell you basically that you are snubbing God... well, I don't think God is so petty as to be angry if we feel like being left alone for a little while, do you?

The last thing you should do is give up. That will in essense be you giving your okay for others to hurt you. If you don't feel like you can be strong right now, then you need to surround yourself with strong people. Friends... family...
Maybe join a self-defense class. I know what you're thinking... "I'm to weak for that kinda thing! It'll never help!" But the whole class is based on you being WEAKER than your opponent, and using intelligence to your advantage.
Maybe start carrying a whistle, electric taser, pocket knife, can of mase... something you can grab onto in your pocket or purse that'll make you feel more in control of the situation. I myself still fold my keys around my knuckles everytime I walk to my car, be it light or dark. That is something I do that keeps me sane.
Life might feel like a nightmare right now, but you need to grip onto reality and take a good strong hold, or you won't be able to start fixing it, right?
Last but not least... YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL AS CRAPPY AS YOU LIKE! Don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise, k?