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sexually confused

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dare to believe

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Hi i've made my way to this site looking for help and others who are or have been in this type of situation.
i have been married for 12yrs and have 3 girls, ever since i was little (7yrs) i have been attracted to females. i have always known it was wrong so i have been able to keep it away but during stages in my life the desire to be with a woman has been stronger and as i'm getting older and my marriage is rocky my mind goes a hundred miles an hour thinking and looking at females with bad sexual desires. i hate it coz i know this is not me and not what i want in my life. I love my husband and my kids and i don't want to lose what we have. i know the enemy uses this to steer me away from God. i pray day and night i read my bible daily and go to church weekly. i try my best to be a righteous person and live by example to others. this is tormenting me now and i'm afraid that i may do something i will regret forever.
I can't talk to my husband about this, i haven't got any christian friends that i could talk to either please someone i need some strength/advice to keep going. GOD HELP ME!
 
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FaithPrevails

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Hi dare to believe. Welcome to CF. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much and want you to know I am lifting you up in prayer. You will find that there are very loving/supportive members here in Recovery - I'm glad you've found your way to us.
 
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Johnnz

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Some possibilities you might consider.

a) is you sex life with your husband deeply satisfying to you as a a woman. and related to this,
b) is he tender, affectionate, caring for you as a person
c) you are a very sexual person
d) you had some confusing/painful experiences, sexual or otherwise, earlier in your life?
e) do you have activities/outlets that are enjoyable and satisfying for you

John
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Criada

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((((((hug))))))
I have been married 19 years with 4 children, but other than that, I could have written your post. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, it is very hard, and it doesn't seem to go away. But, as well as the pain, there is the blessing of having children, and the knowledge that you are doing what you believe to be right. That is important, and something you can be proud of, sweetie.

If you need someone to talk to, please let me know (you'll need 15 posts to PM, but if you let me know here, I can send you my email address.
Praying for you, sweetie. God loves you, very, very much
 
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dare to believe

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Thank you Faith prevails, Johnnz and Criada for your replies.
Sorry i haven't been able to reply earlier my kids are on school holidays and we are constantly busy.
Johnnz to answer your questions:
my sex life is almost non existent, my husband is totally cold with me there is absolutely no affection between us this has been getting worse over the years as i have had to be cold to him coz the times i just wanted affection (just a cuddle,a kiss etc) he would go straight for sex. So i can't approach him for basic affection as i don't want to have to say no to him.
i am not a sexual person as i have had bad experiences growing up 3 times sexually abused by trusted men in my life(from the age of 7). My father was a violent alcoholic with porn all over the house etc, so at a very young age i was introduced to sex.
I've played soccer on and off to escape and have time for myself but i found that there were alot of lesbians playing this sport. that didn't help so i quit and after 6 years i went back to play but indoor soccer and i made a team with my cousins at least i won't get involved with others this way.
A few days ago i needed to vent desperately and found the courage to talk to my best friend(non christian) i must admit i feel a lot better and i haven't been thinking too much about that stuff.
Criada i know it won't go away as i have been dealing with it all my life the only thing i thank God that i haven't fallen yet, but i am still sinning in my thoughts which do get very dangerous at times. i would love to talk to you further as you know exactly what i'm going through. Thanks everyone for all your prayers i pray the Lord blesses you abundantly for being prayer warriors for us in need.
PRAYER CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!
 
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Johnnz

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You have a very human need for love and affection. A cold husband doesn't provide that. Sexual abuse has long term affects, including sexualising a person. Your abuse probably has affected your relationship with men. Trust will be a big issue.

So, some sexual fantasising is not at all surprising. That it can involve females is not at all unusual for someone with your background. An aroused but unsatisfied sexuality can try and find its own expression somewhere, somehow.

John
NZ
 
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lordworshipper

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I think that the problem with her husband isn't really his nor her fault. She doesn't want sex, he does, and she just wants affection, but that in turn makes him want sex. If I understood that correctly? It's not that he doesn't like her, or that she doesn't like him, its a matter of her lack of sexual desire for him and his sexual desire getting between them and causing them issues. I hope I didn't misunderstand what you're saying Dare to Believe *hugs* I hope things improve, but if not, I can tell you that I know someone who was in your predicament.

My friend, she is a lesbian, she wanted to be christian but she couldn't make her sexual attraction go away. She was attracted to women, and not men. She tried and tried. She wanted to live a straight life, she wanted to be straight, but try as she might, she couldn't. She did eventually give in, and since she regrets fighting it, and thinks she should've gave in alot sooner. She also eventually was able to reconsile her faith with her sexuality.

Don't be afraid to talk if you ever need to, whether to me or anyone else who is accepting of you. We all struggle at some point in our lives at something. I pray that you sort things out, but remember that God made you the way you are, so you should always love yourself.
 
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PilgrimToChrist

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I don't think it is important to make your sexual attractions go away. That's almost impossible to control and people drive themselves crazy trying to do that. It's much easier to control our actions. The primary reason I rejected the Christian faith as a pre-teen/early teen was because of my sexuality. I felt hated for what I am. But it's not about what I am, what gender I'm attracted to, but rather what I do about those attractions.

When I became a Christian after several years, at first I was pro-gay. After all, I was in the middle of a long-term relationship with a woman. Then, after we broke up, I really stopped actively defending it, <staff edit> Now I'm opposed to it, but I still certainly have those desires so I wouldn't term myself ex-gay (and it would just make me feel like "But I'm a Cheerleader"). I just try to direct those energies elsewhere, into things more productive.

"Giving in" to sexual desires ~ of whatever persuasion ~ is not the right answer. I can't choose my religion based on what I want to do, I have to decide what I am going to do based on my religion. If religion is to be true, it cannot be my decision what is true and what is false.
 
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dare to believe

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Thanks everyone for your prayers and advice, since this post i ended up opening up to my closest friend who is non christian. it helped me alot to release my feelings as they have been bottled up for a long time.
The desires/urges went away for a few months but as always they creep back up as much as i try to ignore it or pray fervently i find myself back in this position almost ready to give in.
sometimes i think just to get it out of my system but worry to lose my husband if he ever found out, i need to be accountable for my actions!

Any advice?
 
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writergirl4god

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Hi Daretobelieve! Please hang in there. I'm sure satan would love for you to believe that if you just give in to sin you'll be able to 'get it out of your system' and then feel better - but that's not true. Giving in to a sinful desire doesn't make it go away, it only intensifies it and compounds the problem. And being unfaithful to your husband will add more problems to your life as well. (Maybe even divorce.) You're right about needing accountability - do you have any Christian friends who would be willing to do that?

I'm going to take some time right now to pray for you.

Love in Christ,
Jess
 
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louie44

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When you get these thoughts, where do you think they come from?
Don't you know that the harder you try to get closer to God, the harder
satan is going to try to lure you away. So the next time you get these
thoughts, think of where they are coming from.
Goog luck & may God bless you. I'll pray for you too.
Louie44
 
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