Sexual Responsibility

[Ana the Ist]

*Warning! Sexual topics will be discussed in this thread! If you cannot handle that...please back away from the thread now.*

Like most people, I think I'm right. I know many of you may disagree with the way I describe responsibilities within my marriage (which is how I think it should be for marriages in general) but please consider that I'm an atheist. I do what I think is right, I change what i think is right frequently based upon what works. There's really no need to tell me what the bible says regarding this topic...if you want to live by what you think the bible says, I'm not trying to change your mind. If anything, I'm sharing my viewpoint because I think think it could help others with various problems. Anyway, on to the thread....

When I talk about responsibilities in marriage, I'm talking about those things which contribute to the success of a marriage. Obviously, things that need to get done like chores (walking the dog, doing dishes, making food) fall into this category...but less understood are things which directly relate to the success of the relationship and the happiness of both involved. Examples of this would be financial decisions, communication, entertainment.... and sex. Before I get to the sex part...allow me to explain how it works in my marriage, which is how I believe it should work in general.

My wife and I share responsibilities equally. That doesn't mean I do half the dishes and she does the other half, nor does it mean I do this while she does that. It means when the dishes need done...it's both our responsibility to see them done. Sometimes I do them when she's busy doing other work, sometimes I do them when she's had a tough day, sometimes I do then when she's had a great day and doesn't want to do them. She does the same for me. There's no set rule on who does them or when.

Communication isn't something that I think a lot of men see as a responsibility. I think it's important to the success of any relationship to communicate needs and feelings as well as ordinary conversational stuff. If one party does all the communicating, and the other just listens (or pretends to listen) eventually that couple will run into problems. These problems may become extraordinarily difficult to resolve since that lack of communication lends itself to a lack of understanding. Like the dishes though, there's no rules about who does the communicating and when.

To continue the explanation of responsibility... I'll discuss how it relates to sex. I'll try to keep this as PG-13 as possible. One might say the goal of sex (apart from procreation) is pleasure. Pleasure for your partner and for yourself. If it becomes a one-way street...eventually problems can arise. When it comes to your own pleasure... both your partner and yourself are responsible. When it comes to your partner's pleasure...it's the same thing...both your partner and herself (or himself) are responsible.

This may seem a little obvious...but it isn't due to some of the basics of anatomy and sexual hang-ups or proclivities. I've known many guys with the attitude of "I'm going to get mine, you better get yours" which is lazy and inconsiderate. Likewise I've known several women who feel that since their partner is going to achieve [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] anyway...as long as they show up for sex they've "done their part."....this is also lazy and inconsiderate.

What's key here is the communicating I brought up earlier. If a woman is unwilling to communicate or is embarrassed to communicate what feels good and what doesn't...she shouldn't be surprised if she ends up feeling unsatisfied. Many men would wear a pancake on their head and sing the national anthem during sex if their partner told them it was the only way they could achieve [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. While it's the men's responsibility to perform as desired...finding out what is desired of them shouldn't be like pulling teeth.

Likewise, if a guy finds himself getting bored with sex and thinking of going outside his marriage to find what he wants....he's cheating his wife and himself. If he can't request what makes him feel good...either for fear of rejection or the reaction she will have at that request...he's always going to end up in relationships where he tires of his partner's performance and it will be largely his fault.

There are other aspects, like initiating and romance...but I feel this is a good place for the discussion to start.

Thoughts?

 

[jannikitty]

I have been married half a century (2/3 of my life) and you are certainly right in that the key to a good sexual relationship is good communication. Just adding that a good marriage is basically what it is..a good contractual partnership entered into with commitment from both parties. That is what it should be. We Christians call that partnership a union, a union which I believe is based upon understanding. And understanding comes with communication not only in sexual matters but in all else connected with a marriage. All the more needed when children are involved!

 

[Ana the Ist]

I have been married half a century (2/3 of my life) and you are certainly right in that the key to a good sexual relationship is good communication. Just adding that a good marriage is basically what it is..a good contractual partnership entered into with commitment from both parties. That is what it should be. We Christians call that partnership a union, a union which I believe is based upon understanding. And understanding comes with communication not only in sexual matters but in all else connected with a marriage. All the more needed when children are involved!

Great point...and thank you!!!

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with both of you---if a person isn't willing to communicate their needs (or hear their partner in what they need or hope for)....that's avoiding a necessary aspect of a relationship (and things are not going to go well).

 

[Ana the Ist]

I agree with both of you---if a person isn't willing to communicate their needs (or hear their partner in what they need or hope for)....that's avoiding a necessary aspect of a relationship (and things are not going to go well).

Absolutely. Without communication... whatever topic in the relationship that's not being discussed will almost inevitably suffer. Part of facilitating that communication, I think, is recognizing your responsibility towards your partner. If someone is in a sexless relationship, and they get to that one day every 3-4 months where their partner "gives in" and has sex with them....there's a tendency for that person to think "yay! now's my chance...I'm going to enjoy this as much as possible" without ever really thinking that the reason they don't have sex more often is they've stopped thinking about their partner's needs almost entirely and just focus on themselves. They might think "well, my wife/husband just doesn't like having sex" which while it's entirely possible...I believe it only accounts for a tiny percentage of the population.

While men don't typically withhold sex from a relationship....they tend to try to solve their desires by going outside the marriage and cheating or watching pornography. Please don't think I'm trying to excuse such behavior, I don't think it's acceptable in any committed relationship...not just marriage. A wife or girlfriend may think, "he's just a cheater...he doesn't care about or love me." because every time he wants sex, she gives it to him. It could be that he always has to initiate sex, she makes no effort to seduce/romance him, or perhaps she only likes to do it a particular way...so thats the only way she'll do it. The point being that she enjoys sex because of the effort he puts into it...she feels wanted. It shouldn't come as a surprise, but guys really enjoy feeling sexually desirable as well. When a woman puts in the least amount of effort...it comes off as if she really isn't attracted to the guy...so he may go seek that attention elsewhere.

Again, I'm not condoning or justifying cheating...it's wrong when anyone does it. If all we do though, is call the guy a scumbag...we don't really examine how things got to that point and frankly, calling names won't help anyone understand behavior and learn how to avoid those outcomes in the future.

 

[Hetta]

Thoughts?

From what I have been told by women that I trust, not all men would stand on their heads to give a woman an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I read an article one time, in fact, by MRAs which said that a woman's [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is superfluous, so who cares about it. What fun it must be to be married to that/those guys.

It does take two motivated, interested people who want to keep sex fresh and pleasurable. However, I don't think that necessarily spouses cheat because they're bored in the marriage bed. Some cheaters just cheat. And again, I've heard that from both men and women who bent over backwards (sometimes literally) to please their partner.

We split everything between us in our household. We are equal partners in everything. I wouldn't be married to someone who thought he was my boss - whether in the kitchen or the bedroom. That would turn me off in a heartbeat. And if I was a doormat, that would turn him off. So, being well suited is a good start, but communication is the key.

 

[pfcreed]

Please if you get to the bottom of this please break it down for me in the most simplest of terms so I can work on it in my own marriage.

I think men and women in a marriages have communication problems but I dont think its because they aren't communicating but rather how they are communicating. For instance, If I feel sex is a problem my solution is to simply have more sex, If I think we dont kiss enough, my solution is to simply kiss more. So when my wife tells me were lacking romance and were not kissing in my "man brain" I'm wondering OK why doesn't she just kiss me more. When in hindsight I really think what she means is "why am I not the type of woman that you want to kiss?" and thats a whole lot of complication because shes the only woman I want to kiss.

I have an ideal, but I don't know if its just me or men in general. I think for most women sex is a generalized term for everything sexual and romantic, Maybe they have a wholestic view of the concept. It used to be that way for me when I was younger and love was more infatuation then love, however; now sex is very compartmentalized. there's the act of sex, there's foreplay--- what ever that might be and there's kissing and touching. I need to learn how to mold everything back together.

If my wife wasnt telling me what felt good I would try it all, do everything and observe. If I get the reaction I was looking for I would repeat.

My wife makes me feel like shes attracted to me by being attracted to herself. Thats when I feel most liked by my wife when she likes herself enough to wear something daring, act a little daring etc etc. Of course I need to feed into her own attraction in order to receive that back.

Feels like rocket science sometimes, but there are happy couples so someone must of figured it out.

Do you think men are socially conditioned to compartmentalize sex because of the vast abundance of sexuality society puts in our face from the time were boys. Do you think women feel they only need to be present for sex because of the same reason.

 

[mkgal1]

I had a thought about "communication issues" (in general). That term gets tossed around a lot, but sometimes the issue isn't a lack of skill in communicating---but, more, a lack of initiative.....or a desire for other things rather than resolution to the issue.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Please if you get to the bottom of this please break it down for me in the most simplest of terms so I can work on it in my own marriage.

I think men and women in a marriages have communication problems but I dont think its because they aren't communicating but rather how they are communicating. For instance, If I feel sex is a problem my solution is to simply have more sex, If I think we dont kiss enough, my solution is to simply kiss more. So when my wife tells me were lacking romance and were not kissing in my "man brain" I'm wondering OK why doesn't she just kiss me more. When in hindsight I really think what she means is "why am I not the type of woman that you want to kiss?" and thats a whole lot of complication because shes the only woman I want to kiss.

Beyond just sex, most women have a need to be desired. It could be as simple as she wants to feel that you think about her via "that look" you may give her, random pda, or even getting a bit frisky. Though I'm still new to marriage it seems that a big thing is to convey the desire.

I have an ideal, but I don't know if its just me or men in general. I think for most women sex is a generalized term for everything sexual and romantic, Maybe they have a wholestic view of the concept. It used to be that way for me when I was younger and love was more infatuation then love, however; now sex is very compartmentalized. there's the act of sex, there's foreplay--- what ever that might be and there's kissing and touching. I need to learn how to mold everything back together.

You might be on the verge of over thinking this. Yes, these can be in their own "boxes", and yes sex for you is probably different than for her.

Feels like rocket science sometimes, but there are happy couples so someone must of figured it out.

Nope, it's harder. But I myself just engage in various shenanigans and we must have fun with it. I could tell you what a few of the secrets are, but the thing is that it varies for each couple. I suppose one I could share is that foreplay can happen many hours before the main event and is mental. Be ita string of playful text during the day, something said before leaving for work, or even a cheesy pickup line.

Do you think men are socially conditioned to compartmentalize sex because of the vast abundance of sexuality society puts in our face from the time were boys. Do you think women feel they only need to be present for sex because of the same reason.

I think we are used to compartmentalizing almost everything as a way of problem solving. The difference in how we see sex vs how many women do is part of it imo.

As far as women just being present, that's a whole nother thread.